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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh has died - the MN Aunties are helping me keep on

989 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 29/03/2017 17:10

New thread, not very imaginative title sorry! I can't remember how to link - having a blank moment.

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19
magimedi · 07/04/2017 21:51

Just popping by - Pesky, you sound a tad better.

How is the sleep going?

My love, as ever.

(((xxx)))

JuanPotatoTwo · 07/04/2017 22:41

Oh unborn :(. I'm glad you've found a place where you feel closer to your son, I hope it brings you much comfort.

Drama I must say that I think Augustus Von Finkelbottom has a certain something to it. Bit of a mouthful though when shouting after him ...

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JuanPotatoTwo · 07/04/2017 22:42

Oh sorry magi meant to say hi. Sleep still shot but at least I can be lazy tomorrow. What's this I hear about Andy having shingles?!

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bookbook · 07/04/2017 23:21

Evening Juan - hope that the nice day carries into a good sleep tonight for you.
xx

Chasingsquirrels · 08/04/2017 00:32

Thanks all. Yes - a good day. I'd have preferred to be doing it in 30 years, 88 seems a good age to go does it not? But such is life, and death.
I've just posted about the funeral on my thread here so I won't repeat myself.
If I live to be 88 I'm only half way there, my time with John has been such a short part of my entire life, and yet it's changed me so much, almost entirely positively.

That puppy is bloody gorgeous, there is no way I can show ds2 those pictures, a dog would just not be practical (no, it really wouldn't, NO!).

Cake glad things are looking up for you.
Juan sounds like a good day.

And hugs to everyone, I'm so not a huggy person - but I've hugged a lot of people today!

TheConstantCakeEater · 08/04/2017 06:57

Just popping over to read.

Big hugs to all of you who have suffered a loss. Juan your day sounds very good.

We're going to the garden centre, sprucing up the garden and then I have 2 hours of party hell to attend...ah well! One day I will look back fondly.

daisychain01 · 08/04/2017 07:42

Flowers Juan, you sounds brighter. It is helpful having some nice weather and as you're such a tennis fan, I bet you're hoping this spell of settled weather will eek out for Wimbledon!

Love to all (squirrels) I dropped by your thread to wish you well.

Flowers Unborn we have a beautiful graveyard attached to our village church with gravestones going back to 17th century. The dates and few words of narrative tell amazing stories of love and loss in families through the ages, not morbid at all to feel surrounded by your loved one x

bookbook · 08/04/2017 10:52

Morning Juan - I hope you had a settled, calm night with some sleep thrown in.
Just idling around a bit waiting to go and look around an auction ( I love doing this - rarely buy anything!) .
Hope the sun cheers you today , it is lovely here
Thoughts and prayers xx

Chasingsquirrels · 08/04/2017 11:11

Lovely here too, although a bit chilly out still. I've just been sitting in the conservatory, exH has just picked our boys up.
I'm very very sad.

bookbook · 08/04/2017 17:02

popping my head around the door - hope all is well xx

JuanPotatoTwo · 08/04/2017 20:41

Evening Aunties. Squirrels I'll join you on the sad bench. How long are your boys away for? book what sort of auction was it and did you buy anything? Cake hope you survived the party - today might have been just the day to live up to your MN name!

Beautiful day weather wise but I've been so up and down. Fine one minute, crying fit to break my heart the next.

On Mark's coffin we had an arrangement of yellow roses, and since the funeral they've been in the kitchen. I decided that when the roses died I'd pull them out of the oasis and dig them into the garden borders. So preparatory to that I moved the arrangement outside today and It just made me so indescribably sad. And then I moved his gardening gloves from the kitchen into the garage. Also heart wrenching.

Then I pulled myself together and took ds3 (the three big dc were all out) for a lovely walk along the river ending up in a pub so we had a good afternoon. But now I feel sad again. I was invited out to a BBQ tonight but didn't think I'd be up for socialising in big groups and I didn't want to pull any other guests down so I declined.

Mark's old friend P seems to have a very calming effect on me, and he's been in touch with me via text or phone every day. With the dc also. I feel as if I might be becoming a bit too dependant (or is that dependent?) on him as immediately I feel panic or sadness setting in I want to text him. I don't but I want to. I need to remember he's grieving too and I do try to offer support back.

Another thing which occurred to me today was that when people hear you're a widow (hate that word) and they say how sorry they are, I don't know what to say! Do I say "thank you" as in "thank you for being sorry", or do I say "it's ok" when it isn't really?! Squirrels which response are you going with mostly?

Picture from our river walk today :)

Dh has died - the MN Aunties are helping me keep on
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UnbornMortificado · 08/04/2017 20:47

Beautiful photo.

No advice on what to say, I think sometimes saying sorry is just ingrained in people. No one expects you to be ok.

I work

bookbook · 08/04/2017 20:49

It was just an old fashioned country auction Juan - everything from rusty tools, to wonky bookshelves. But auction going is something we have done for years - fine art ones too. But nothing 'grabbed' today, so it was just a nice jaunt and poke around :)
It will be up and down for a long time I suspect for you. But the walk will have done wonders I think - some sun on your back, and fresh air.
Can you reply -"it is what it is, " and leave it at that? Or something similarly non emotional.

UnbornMortificado · 08/04/2017 20:50

Ahem sorry.

I work in palliative I still sometimes don't know what to say to families, but don't say your ok when your not. People might feel uncomfortable and not know what to say but it's not your job to make them feel better.

JuanPotatoTwo · 08/04/2017 21:19

That's good advice from both of you, thank you.

Poking around at an old fashioned country auction sounds like such a civilized way to spend the day!

Unborn I admire you working in palliative care, you must be a certain kind of special to do that I think.

Squirrels I read your account of the funeral and your words. They were very moving, and how brave of you to speak them.

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Chasingsquirrels · 08/04/2017 22:18

I've mostly just cried today.
I've either gone with "thank you", which really just covers things, or "me too", which pretty much stops the conversation.
Although when asked how I am, mostly the answer is okay - because mostly I have been. When that's not the case it isn't the answer I give, but mostly I'm not okay when I'm on my own - so no one is asking anyway.
Well done on walk, kids keep you going. I'm glad when mine are here, for some normality, and welcome ghe break when they aren't, so that I can let go.

TheConstantCakeEater · 09/04/2017 07:21

Morning

I did survive the 29 screaming kids! and went for a 5K walk after.

Just sending some hugs and hope that today will be a bit calmer for you. I'm sure Mark's friend doesn't mind you being in contact. I'm sure he's pleased he can help.

bookbook · 09/04/2017 12:01

Morning Juan
It is gorgeous here, so had a very busy time at my allotment this morning ,( face now somewhat beetroot like!) . Off to look around a NGS garden this afternoon, so I think I may go and find my sunhat. Who would believe it in April ?
Take care , thoughts and prayers xxx

JuanPotatoTwo · 09/04/2017 18:12

Hello everyone. Cake - 29 children?! Hats most definitely off to you :). book what's NGS - whatever it is, hope you had a good day there.

Have been out for another walk along the river today - that's three days in a row! All different sections of it though. Was with a friend and we ended up in a lovely cafe. Only got upset once while I was out, but have made up for it since getting home :(. I can't imagine ever being properly happy again.

I was listening and watching to the funeral speeches again earlier. Ds2's speech is such a choker. I hadn't appreciated on the day how many times he was overwhelmed when delivering it. It's heart wrenching seeing him overcome but determined to get through it.

Going to get a cup of tea and some Maltesers now to cheer myself up! X

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bookbook · 09/04/2017 18:36

you do that Juan - Tea and Maltesers - a good match :)
NGS = National Garden Scheme - private gardens open for a day for charity. Didn't actually end up going - I was rather bushed after the morning , so knew I wouldn't enjoy walking around in the heat so much.
((hugs))

JuanPotatoTwo · 09/04/2017 19:01

Oh of course! I think I knew that. I'm sorry you didn't get to go - it certainly was a lot hotter than you would expect for April.

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magimedi · 09/04/2017 19:37

Sweetie, you will be happy again - I promise you.

It will be a different happiness that will always be tempered by your loss.

But it will happen for you - it will take time, probably lots of time, but it will be there one day.

I have spent the day feeling a tad fragile - spent yesterday with one of my oldest friends in Brighton. Much chat, much food & possibly a leetle too much Wine.

Self inflicted injury. Grin

My love to you, as ever.

(((xxx)))

UnbornMortificado · 09/04/2017 19:59

Sticking my head round the door.

Juan you will be happy again I promise you, it will just be a different happiness version.

I hope that makes sense Flowers

TheConstantCakeEater · 09/04/2017 20:25

Sending you a big hug.

(I know - at least I wasn't the host of the party!)

bookbook · 09/04/2017 20:26

It is still very new and raw, so don't worry yourself you will always feel like this .
It would help to sleep too xxx

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