Dh has died - the MN Aunties are helping me keep on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

New thread, not very imaginative title sorry! I can't remember how to link - having a blank moment.

"After he died" is something you don't want to ever have to think about in connection with a loved one. I think it's wonderful you speak of carrying your love for each other deep inside. You sound so wise and as if you're approaching this with a positive attitude. I wish I could give him back to you, I really do. Life seems so unfair sometimes.

Oh so very unfair.
And I your Mark for you.
Night x

Oh mirren I'm so sorry for your loss too. Can quite see this is a difficult time of year coming up for you. 50 is no age. Have you family and/or friends to support you?

Hi Juan, just wanted to check in with you. I don't always know what to say and I apologise if anything I say seems inappropriate. I've never had to walk in your shoes and unless someone wonderful comes along, perhaps I may never have to.
To have such an amazing connection as you did with Mark is truly special.
I never used to understand the expression 'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved'. As I get a little older and wiser, it makes so much sense and you are living the pain of it. Hope tonight brings you sweet and restful dreams

I know it's different for everyone, but my experience is very much that there isn't only continued heartbreak left to feel Juan. Don't get me wrong, I miss DH1 everyday and losing him still hurts. A lot. But somehow over time that pain has become smaller, so it takes up less space and there is room beside it for lots of other emotions - mostly much more positive. Just like there is now space in my mind to linger on all the memories of DH1, and still make new ones, and value them all the same.

Lovely posts
Just wanted to pop back before going to bed.
Thoughts and prayers for you Juan xx

married don't worry about not knowing what to say - I don't either! It's enough that you and others care enough to want to say anything.

That's encouraging Somerville. Thank you. Your post makes me think of that feeling you have when you're expecting a second or subsequent child, and you think you won't have enough love to go round, or won't possibly be able to love them as much as the first. You have and you do.

Night book.

Can't sleep again. Or rather, frightened to let myself sleep. Does anyone have any reading recommendations? Finding it hard to concentrate at the minute so it would have to be something not too taxing. I've just realised that I haven't once put the tv or radio on since Mark died, nor read a paper. I have no idea what's happening in the world. That's so bad.

I so hope you are not still awake, but if you are perhaps try reading one of the classics, something you've read before so no surprises. Or perhaps a classic movie would do. Don't watch the news whatever you do, none of it will make you feel better.

I hope you can get rest.

Morning 2017 thank you - the classics is a great idea. I'll have a look through my Jane Austen collection. Didn't sleep a wink last night so will see ds3 off to school and try to get a couple of hours.

Morning Juan -so sorry you didn't mange to sleep.
I can perhaps make a few book recommendations ( I was a book seller for 30 years :) ) Just let me know what are your favourite books/authors and I can have a think.
But firstly can you pick up an absolute favourite book - maybe one not too complicated . so you don't need tor really read the words, but you follow the story - a bit like a comfort blanket ( Pride and Prejudice is one of mine!)
so firstly -maybe a gentle read ,
84 Charing Cross Road by Helen Hanff
The Cat Who Came in from the Cold by Deric Longden
The Diary of A Provincial Lady by E M Delafield

I'd second 84 Charing Cross Road - a charming read & very gentle.

Hope you get some sleep today - have you spoken to your GP about it??

Your post makes me think of that feeling you have when you're expecting a second or subsequent child, and you think you won't have enough love to go round, or won't possibly be able to love them as much as the first. You have and you do.

That's the process my emotions have gone through. Over dating the man who became DH2 but other things too - enjoying life and work again, having fun with my kids and my friends, and even looking back with joy at my memories of 18 years with DH1. All of that sometimes caused feelings of disloyalty and 'stepping further away' from DH1, and it is still a work in progress, TBH, especially when I over analyse it - but it is very much my experience that I can still love and deeply miss the first love of my life alongside choosing to be happy as well.

Anyway... books! My solace in the midst of loneliness, and grief-induced insomnia. I reread a lot to start with, as I didn't want nasty surprises. Lots of old favourites that weren't too challenging, like Dorothy L Sayers and Georgette Heyer, and Elizabeth Peters. Over time I expanded into recommendations from friends. Tell us what kind of thing you like and I'm sure you'll get a load of suggestions.

Hi Juan, thank you for that and I hope you've managed to catch up on much-needed sleep today.

I totally agree re books - whilst going through a grim divorce, death of my parents and now this part of my life - Georgette Heyer in particular, and Dorothy L. Sayers, Ngaio Marsh plus more recently Nora Roberts/JD Robb, Trisha Ashley take me into a familiar, very supportive world of old friends for a time. Music too I find helpful, Beach Boys to Beethoven.

Our current story: My husband, fit never fat, never smoked, rarely drinks, diagnosed last May with bladder cancer as primary, mets in lungs for which he had 6 cycles of well-tolerated chemo and, sadly missed somehow in CT scan report, mets in pelvic bone. This latter has caused abject agonising pain for months. He had radiotherapy at the Rosemere, Preston, yesterday and has slept most of today which can only do him good.

Somerville - you're describing beautifully the 'Adjustment' phase I tried to outline earlier. It's also known as Normalising.

Juan if you like psychological/crime thrillers I have a heap you can have. Understand they could be a bit hard going at the moment.

I've never lost a spouse but I had a massive bereavement 2 years ago. Somer has explained it much better then I ever could but:
I miss DH1 everyday and losing him still hurts. A lot. But somehow over time that pain has become smaller, so it takes up less space and there is room beside it for lots of other emotions

that resonates a lot. I remember the early days and thinking I could never ever be happy again. The pain is indescribable and still is but it does get easier to deal with in time.

Evening Aunties - I hope you don't mind being called aunties!

book you were a book seller? Clue was in the name I guess! What a lovely job. I hardly ever watch tv but just after Christmas I saw 84 Charing Cross Road - it made me cry. I've read Diary of a Provincial Lady and the others she wrote - love them. I also have all of Georgette Heyers' books, including the detective novels she wrote - last night when not sleeping I re-read The Unknown Ajax!

I'll read pretty much anything and everything really - crime, psychological thrillers, classics, read quite a few of the Virago Press books - naturally, I now can't remember any names or titles. I love some of the Dorothy L Sayers books - others I found difficult. Couldn't get in to The Nine Tailors at all. Have Mapp and Lucia series on my kindle but not read yet - that might be a good one to attempt?

Somerville the "stepping further away" thing I'm struggling with enormously. I hate this feeling that I'm leaving him behind. He was such a huge part of my life and I can't get over the idea that I'm betraying him simply by getting through another day. My SiL and I have been having long conversations about this - we both feel guilt and reluctance and sadness that each minute of each hour is pushing Mark back and taking us forward. I'm really pleased that you have found a way past this and can take pleasure and consolation in both past memories, and new ones that you're creating in this next phase of your life.

Selena thank you for sharing - I'm sorry that your husband is so ill and in pain - I hope his sleep today did, indeed, help a little. I'm sorry for you too and all that you're having to go through. It's agonising watching loved ones suffer, very hard to keep up some semblance of normality - at least I found it so. I used to wish sometimes that I could be the ill one - selfishly I felt it would be easier to deal with :(.

Unborn thank you for sharing your experience. I'm happy for all of you who've suffered that you have found your suffering easing as time goes on. Of course, I'd be happier if you'd never suffered in the first place but it seems life can't be that easy or fair. I took your advice about the sleeping aids Unborn - they did seem to help initially, but not so much now. magi I will see the Gp, I promise. I've given myself this week to do not very much, but next week I'll get back on it.

Oh I meant to say - I hope no one minds - I've posted a query in Legal about Mark's will and probate etc. Would anyone be able to offer any advice I wonder. Perhaps it would be easier if I copied and pasted it here too. Don't want to seem grasping.

Easiest of you link to that thread, I'd say, Juan. Then if any of us can be of use we can find it easily, but you have all the advice together on one thread rather than spread some here and some there.

But not grasping either way of course.

Arggh wills and probate. John's estate is going to be a nightmare, and no way I'll get it through before the probate changes - assuming they happen.
I posted briefly on my thread about that.
I'm no probate expert at all, but I'll be looking at your thread if you post a link.

Juan's probate thread

Juan - I have done a bit of a reply on the other thread, not sure it will be of help, but hope so.
Books ! I loved selling them - ( my original user name before hacker gate was agoodbook - as most of my customers always asked for 'a good book' - so many of us love Georgette Heyer :) - I grew up with them , have them all. I love The Unknown Ajax, but other big favourites are The Reluctant Widow and Frederica . Love Ngaio Marsh too :)
I adore history , and crime , so will add a couple of recommendations.
Nicely written early 20's - Maisie Dobbs by Jaqueline Winspear ( a whole raft if you like this, the first one)
Early Mediaeval Crime -Mistress of the Art of Death by Arianna Franklin

Hi Juan just had time to sit down and come check in with you after a hectic day.

I hope you managed a bit of sleep. I loved Stephen King and Dean Koontz but not sure if they're a bit dark for the moment? How about some Terry P? Total fantasy might be good.

I would be delighted to be someone's aunty as I don't have and nieces or nephews.

I think your analogy of having a 2nd child is probably spot on about how the new version of reality will be. Sending you a big hug

In times of acute stress, I have 3 books on the go. One for bed, one for during the day and the other when out and about in my handbag - nowadays the app on my phone or e-Reader(s). I find it's a way to make my brain work. (Debatable if it ever has, but ...)

I'm sure that's why I can keep going back to re-read, as I probably missed so much out! My very favourite of all GH is The Grand Sophy, but can happily read any. Again and again. Oh, and Dick Francis too.

Hurray, on a scale of 0 -10, my husband says the pain today is an 8, yesterday after the RT 11. I agree, Juan, I do wish it was me, they just don't deserve this, do they?

Just popping in to say hello & that I'm still thinking of you x