Dh has died - the MN Aunties are helping me keep on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

New thread, not very imaginative title sorry! I can't remember how to link - having a blank moment.

Oh quiet day here today. Off to make pancakes for breakfast, garden centre for some supplies and then doing some planting of carrot seedlings and sowing some lettuce seeds etc. Much as I dislike gardening, it's good for the kids to see food growing. They're so removed from it all these days.

morning
lovely and bright here, but breezy, and due to be proper windy later.
I am the opposite to you Drama - wake up early, and like to get chores done early too.:)
Pottering around - about to move things in/out of greenhouse, and then off to do my allotment.

Nice here atm and, sshhh.... rain is forecast for later on!

You do sound busy Cake, and a lovely mum all the things you are doing with your kids. Did the ibuprofen and rest yesterday do the trick?

Hope the pregnancies are going well Unborn & Somer.

Selena posted on another thread that they had a good break away, hugs for the coming week.

Juan, it's horrible. I'm getting more unhappy not less as time goes on, although I appreciate it is still pretty early days in the scheme of things. I just miss John so much, increasingly so. And yes I am more tired than I usually would be. Am my period has just started - oh joy, but at least that means my emotions will settle down a bit.

magi have fun at the motors, and hope it rains overnight for you. Swimming is something I should think about, I wonder if there is anyone who'd be a regular swimming partner once a week...

book sounds like you will be having a good day, Happy Birthday to your DD.

Did you have a lie in after your late night Drama?

Right, boys home shortly - so I better get on.

Thanks, that's a lovely thing to say. We try really hard to give our children a lot of our time and experiences...they've seen Picassos and Monet and Matise and Van Gogh and castles and stately homes and museums and just stuff. We also do a lot of baking and some awesome parties. Most importantly we tell them we love them as my parents never said it and were very busy with work to provide. Guess we try and do better/different than our own parents.

After all that we put sunflower seeds in - weather not warm enough for lettuce yet.

I feel a lot better so will try and jog again tomorrow evening. Just wiped after a very busy week and awful cycles. in sympathy with the hormones.

Don't know what to say regards the loss getting more profound. Have you contemplated a young widows group or some counselling?

Afternoon.
A quick sit with a coffee now I have prepped everything up,
Thank you Chasing - I will pass on the birthday wishes .:)
It is blowing a gale here...all the trees and shrubs are lashing around, its warm and sunny at the same time.
Chasing - is it perhaps that you have been coping on adrenaline? - and that is now crashing down to the horrible cold reality. You can only keep going on adrenaline for so long . (hugs)

Yes I have over done it. Only working 1 day this week and have a book I'd like to read and some mindfulness colouring to do too!

Have a nice evening. Yes, stormy here too...

Hello all. Beautiful sunny day here today, but I'm indoors watching the tennis. I'll do some pottering around later. I did have a lie in, woke up about 11 and got up at 12 . Must go to bed earlier tonight or I'll wreck my sleep schedule and will struggle to get up for work on Tuesday.

Cake the way you are bringing up your DC sounds lovely. I am totally with you on trying to do things differently/better than your own parents, and I can tell you from experience that it works in terms of having a great relationship with your DC as they grow up.

Chasing I'm so sorry you are struggling, it must be so tough. My heart goes out to you

Enjoy the party book.

I'll pop back later for another chat.

Hello everyone. Have for the most part had a nice day today with my friend - we walked along the river, went for a long lunch and then a look around the shops. But I've come home and now feel sad :( Friend went home to her lovely husband, and I wanted to come home to mine too and tell him about my day.

I know exactly how you feel Squirrels about missing John more, not less, as time goes on. I feel for me that it's sinking in that this is not a temporary state and I will never ever see Mark again. I think some small, distant, optimistic and unacknowledged part of my brain may have been hanging on in vain, and merrily telling itself that "it'll all be ok in the end, you'll see him soon". And now a sadder, more realistic part is kicking in to let me know that actually, no, this is it, and this is always the way it will be from now on. Weekends seem such coupley days now somehow - or perhaps I just notice couples more now that I'm not part of one.

Before I met Mark I had no self confidence at all, none. Mark told me almost every single day how much he loved me, and told me almost as often how beautiful he thought I was, how I underestimated myself in almost every respect, how I was a good person etc. I never believed him, (I wanted to but couldn't, just thought he was biased) but I did at least believe that he truly thought those things. It's shocked me how quickly I've reverted to that person who has no self confidence and no belief in herself. I feel almost traitorous that I'm acting as though 26 years of his incredible support of me and belief in me hasn't happened. I just feel so tired and hopeless this evening, and sad and alone. I want my old life back :(

I'm sorry - I know that last post was very moany and "me me me" :(

quick dip -
you are allowed to be me, me , me - it has knocked the feet from under you, and the stability out of your life, so its not surprising this is how you are
((hugs))
I know Sundays and Mondays are bad for you xxx

I just can't think of anything that isn't trite to write, but perhaps you could create a mantra for yourself, something along the lines of - 'Today I am being the best I can be, and that's OK.'

Say it out loud, very loud when possible, write it down so you can see it. Eventually it will indeed be so. again.

Oh Juan

First of all, you are allowed to be as moany and 'me me me' as you like on here. This is your thread after all, and none of us mind you letting it all out on here. This is what the thread is for and why we are all here.

Also, it's Sunday leading into Monday, and those seem to be the worst days for you, don't they?

I'm no expert but it looks like you are moving on to a different stage of grief now, with it sinking in that this is real and your new normal. But you won't always feel as sad. It's truly horrible that you are having to go through this, but it won't always be as bad as it is now.

Try to hold on to the fact that you are that person Mark knew, be glad that you found each other, that he loved you and supported you and you him. From what you've said he was an amazing man and you were so lucky to have had your life together. What he said about you was right, because that's how he saw you.

And you've had the strength to deal with the aftermath of his death, and the confidence to go out and get yourself a job. And things will get better and you'll be happy again.

You are doing really well. You are allowed to be sad, of course you are, but you really are doing well.

Many hugs x

You're all so kind and wise. I hate this drippy moany version of myself. And yes, I hate Sundays/Mondays. I'm going to have to learn to deal with them somehow aren't I? :( 9 weeks tomorrow.

Hey, please don't listen to that negative voice. You sound like most anybody would be in your situation and this is your thread to get your feelings out, so the best place for it.

I too think that M knew the potential he had in you and the fact that you supported him through a long term illness shows your strength of character.

You will get there.

(my phone is always on if I'm awake and always with me - feel free to text)

Thinking of you tonight and tomorrow. 9 weeks to get used to something that has changed after 26 years is no time at all (((hug)))

This is your thread.

You are allowed to be as moany as you want.

This is your space to give off about anything you want.

And Mark was right when he said you were beautiful - I've met you & I have high standards & you looked amazing.

I remember meeting you at a certain London station & you were just so lovely, so comfortable with yourself.

The French have a phrase: "Elle est bien dans sa peau" (She is happy in her skin). You so obviously were.

You looked so good that I think (actually know) that Pot would pick you over me*

Courage, mon brave - you are an amazing woman & there will be life for you, there will be good times again, they won't be the same good times & every time you feel happy there wil be a bittersweet missing of Mark - but there will be happiness.

Mark would want that for you - he would want you to pick up the pieces & carry on. He would want you to be happy.

I can write that last sentence with 100% assurance because you have given me (& everyone else) such a wonderful picture of your love for each other.

My love - for what it is worth- goes to you tonight.

(((xxx))

*Only 20 days left of me saying nice things to you like that. Bring on the tennis season. {tennis}

- fat fingers got the wrong brackets!

XXXXXXXXXX from Muddled!!

It is raining here!!

I have put a straight sided mug out in the garden so I can have an approximation of how much falls over night - lots, please!

Hallelujah magi, hope your garden gets a much needed soaking.

Best time for rain to fall - overnight. Hope you get a good soaking.

So sad to read your post Juan.
And medi that made me cry.

Love to all

Just dipping back in before heading for bed.
Juan extra ((hugs))
lovely, true, wise words magi -
glad to hear abut the rain too- ours is due in the morning ( btw - sometimes I feel as we are the same person - 'Courage, mon brave' are the words I used to send off my DD's to all their exams, many moons ago.. )
Sleep well all
Thoughts and Prayers xx

book - I think we would get on very well - same hymn sheet etc etc.....

Morning ladies. Hope that you all got some restful sleep.

Selena thinking of you and DH this week, sure you said you have a follow up appointment.

At the moment the sun is out, but not meant to last is it? Rained through the night here too. My parents have been under water restrictions for months now and watch the skies very closely. 95% of the garden has died away.

Going to do a bit of cleaning to get all sorted for school/work tomorrow and looking forward do DD back from her dad's.

Good morning lovely people. Happy Monday and hope everyone slept well. Thankfully I had a better night - juan you very thoughtfully asked about me waking up so early stupid o'clock I'm not sure why but since the clocks changed I've been all over the place! last night I took a child portion of phenergan which is an antihistamine doubling up as a mild sedative. It does the trick for me re getting a full night's sleep as I find sleeping tablets are too strong and make me feel awful for a day after.

Lovely comforting words from magi juan don't feel bad about off loading your thoughts, sadness or otherwise. Funnily enough somerville and I were discussing the Circle of Grief model ('dump out, comfort in') on a different thread.

The idea is that the person at the centre of grief who is most affected (which is you, and Squirrels) gets to offload any pain or sadness outwards to the people to the outer circles (which could be your Friends and Family, and us here on this thread.). We are outside giving you support and comfort inwards and you are not meant to worry. It's like having a massive MNetter's hug to keep you safe.

Let's face it, we will all have to take our turn at being in the centre of the circle and being on an outer circle, but for now you can be where you are and should never feel bad about feeling profound shock and grief at losing Mark. It is 100% natural and understandable.

Its very worrying how little rain we've had, isnt it.

Its just grey, cold and generally miserable here with little chance of proper rain. Overnight there was about a thimble-ful hmm not much use. Thinking I will go out and do a rain dance.

Of course as soon as Wimbledon is in sight, the heavens will open for 2 weeks.