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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh has died - the MN Aunties are helping me keep on

989 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 29/03/2017 17:10

New thread, not very imaginative title sorry! I can't remember how to link - having a blank moment.

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DramaAlpaca · 14/04/2017 20:05

Pleased to hear the reunion dinner & P's speech went well.

book I am in awe at your gardening skills. I could do with you here! We have a very large garden, but sadly we don't have the time to make the most of it or maintain it properly so it's mainly lawn with a scattering of apple trees.

UnbornMortificado · 14/04/2017 20:10

I'm pleased the reunion dinner went well Juan it sounds like Mark was thought very highly of.

bookbook · 14/04/2017 20:24

popping head around the door.
Will be here if you need a shoulder tonight xx
I am sure there are things you love to do Juan that will help in the time ahead, once you have come to terms with all the changes in your life Flowers
Drama - I love eating what I have grown , and on the same day as I picked it. I don't do it as well as I could, but I love doing other things too.

TheConstantCakeEater · 14/04/2017 20:30

Hi, yes mine is 21st too but phone rather than in person.

I'm a rubbish gardener too - hate it with a passion, but we did a bit of work last weekend which is lucky really because at least now it looks tidy and pretty-ish.

Glad that P's speech went down well and that M is remembered fondly. He sounds like such a character that I'm sure he'll be fondly remembered by all.

Will be around for another hour or so before snatching some zzz. We're off to Day out with thomas tomorrow the blessing of boys

JuanPotatoTwo · 14/04/2017 23:17

Hello all. Nice to see everyone. You know when you were young (I was once!) and you lived in shared accommodation/uni halls and you never knew who was going to be in when you got home? But someone usually was? I feel like that when I check in here and see who's around, and who's been up to what. It's a very reassuring feeling - so thank you for that.

book your garden and allotment sound wonderful - you must have so must energy to keep on top of all that. Willow that is a lovely post - you're very right in that Mark had absolute faith in me. Just wish I did too! Drama your garden sounds nice too, I'm picturing a sort of orchard. Hello Somerville - meant to ask you yesterday if you're in some exotic far flung location? Squirrels I'm glad you enjoyed your break - I can well imagine the feeling of coming back to an empty quiet house though.

This morning I went next door to our neighbours for a cup of tea. I haven't seen much of them really since Mark's funeral so we were talking about that a bit, and they were telling me how much they miss him. Then this afternoon a friend and I went to John Lewis - we thought it would be heaving but it was surprisingly quiet. We spent a couple of hours up there browsing, and drinking tea. I bought some new bedding which I now have on the bed - it's lovely but I feel sort of, well I don't know how I feel really. I keep imagining Mark walking in and seeing it and saying something like "Oh, changing things already are you". Which he would never say anyway, even if he wasn't dead! Ridiculous the way your mind works.

If we had gone to the reunion dinner last night, we were going to stay in a hotel that we stayed at for one night just after Christmas. On that occasion, we were supposed to stay for two nights, but on the afternoon of the second day Mark felt ill, and we ended up leaving early, and I drove us straight from there (Sheffield) to Hammersmith. The receptionist was a lovely young girl, who was so concerned and helpful, and she rang me a couple of days later to find out how Mark was. I ended up emailing her manager to praise her. Anyway, some friends of ours did stay at this same hotel last night, and they told her about Mark, and she was apparently very upset. Don't know whether to feel touched she remembered him, or sad that she's upset!

I had another friend drop round an easter cake she'd made for us tonight. I am so lucky to have such caring people in my life. I feel bad that despite everyone's efforts I still feel so sad and despairing. I don't think I show it though - I hope not because I don't want people to start avoiding me :( I do show it to my closest friends - I can't help but show it.

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JuanPotatoTwo · 14/04/2017 23:19

That was a lot longer than I realised - sorry!

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bookbook · 14/04/2017 23:24

Juan - there is absolutely no reason to feel bad. You are carrying on as best you can.
And I think you need to not hide being sad .
I hope you get some rest

Thoughts and prayers xx

JuanPotatoTwo · 14/04/2017 23:29

Thank you book. I really am trying the best I can, and I have actually done better than I expected. I do have a tendency to hibernate in times of trouble and stress, but haven't done that now. Probably because I can't now, the dc need me - and I need me too.

I hope you get some rest too x

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bookbook · 14/04/2017 23:32

I don't have problems with sleep much at all, thankfully.
be kind to yourself.
Night, sleep well hopefully x

Somerville · 14/04/2017 23:36

It's so good you have some close friends you can share that sadness with. (I squirm at what I put some of my friends through - the amount of tears shed on their shoulders became almost embarrassing.) And also totally natural to be cautious about who you can share the sadness with - it makes one feel so vulnerable, I know.

Not anywhere exotic, but fairly far-flung - in a cabin high up in the Rocky Mountains right now.

DramaAlpaca · 14/04/2017 23:49

Juan you are doing what you have to, getting on with it, and you are doing really well.

I like your analogy about this being like a shared house or uni halls, and someone always being around Smile

As for my garden, I suppose we do have a bit of an orchard. We have several apple trees, including a couple of native Irish apples, and a cooker. We also have two Victoria plums, but never get much fruit off them as the birds get there first despite all our efforts. I think we might have a greengage too. We like to leave the grass long at the back of the garden in the summer as a bit of a wildlife haven, and we call it our meadow. It's a good excuse not to mow the grass, as the back garden is on a steep slope & it's a bugger to mow.

DS1 rolled in about half an hour ago. Thanks to his work patterns I haven't seen him for a couple of days and in the meantime he's shaved and had his hair cut. I did a complete double take when I saw him Grin

daisychain01 · 15/04/2017 06:04

Juan, honestly, you mustnt apologise about any feelings you have, we are all of us a bundle of emotions that change all the time. And you have every right to those feelings, dont you.

By the way sorry I haven't dropped by the halls of residence, I was propping up the student bar Grin Gin anyway back now four sheets to the wind ha ha. Only kidding, I'm actually a complete lightweight on the drinkies front, one glass and I'm slumped in the corner, gurning. Had a nice Bank Holiday round at my DSis and got completely worn out by two extremely energetic nephews. We all had to sit in a line in the garden while they gave us a demo of them on the outside trampoline. I was hoping they would wear down like a couple of Duracell batteries, um no chance there! Came home for a rest!

That was a very touch story about the receptionist and I think you are wonderful putting in a good word for her to her manager. It sounds like she is a very thoughtful person anyway, it wasn't just her doing her job well, it was her being caring, so I am sure it will mean she is valued even more. You cannot put a price on lovely people in life!

I read an interesting article about how grief is not only an emotional rollercoaster journey (ha! Don't we know that ) but also it involves physiological changes where the synapses in the brain have to reorganise themselves to adjust to that 'new normal'. And of course our emotions are fighting against it because we actually don't want that new normal goddam it we want things back the way they were Sad So if you think "why am I so knackered all the time?", cut yourself some slack because it's all the stuff you're having to cope with.

Enough of my ramblings .....

TheConstantCakeEater · 15/04/2017 06:48

Such a lovely description of us lot of Aunties - I'm glad we're of some comfort.

I'm sure none of your friends think you should be doing/acting any different to how you are and I know they'll be happy for you to lean on them until such time where you're feeling better. You would be doing the same for them if the situation was reversed.

Each little anecdote you tell of Mark, makes him sound more and more wonderful I'm sure he had some flaws, he's a man afterall Grin Take it as a compliment to him and your family that so many knew and remembered him.

(I'm in the West just outside London - if you ever fancy a day trip somewhere, let me know)

Chasingsquirrels · 15/04/2017 07:01

I totally agree with cutting yourself some slack Juan.
When I've thought in the past that I'm "putting on" my friends too much - and I've had a couple of periods of that when exH left and another period of my life - I think about whether I would want to be there for them if the situation was reversed. And the answer to that is a resounding yes of course I would. So I feel bad about it, but know that they are my friends and I accept that.
Wishing everyone one the best day they can have x

daisychain01 · 15/04/2017 08:42

Chasingsquirrels and Juan, it is an honour to be here for you both and most lovely for us Aunties to be put upon. Long may that continue.

bookbook · 15/04/2017 09:14

Morning all.
I never was at uni , (I am old enough to have done all my qualifications whilst working, on day release ) but it is a great analogy.
The sun has come out, so the great outdoors calls me, but I will be thinking of you.
Have a day gentle on yourself xx

UnbornMortificado · 15/04/2017 17:57

Afternoon everyone, quite nice weather today

Sending positive thoughts to anyone who might need them.

magimedi · 15/04/2017 19:45

Just popping by to see how you are, PeskyJuan!

Quiet day here - lots of cooking as have 7 coming for lunch tomorrow.

In other news - I may have to miss the first week of Wimbledon in order to see PFGD!!

Juan will know what a sacrifice that would be.

Grin
Chasingsquirrels · 15/04/2017 20:01

Evening all, just saying hello.
How are you doing this weekend Juan?

JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2017 20:05

Evening all (channeling Dixon of Dock Green there!).

So I've tried to be busy today. Walked into town today with youngest Ds and did a few jobs before walking home again. Did some gardening - was out there hating it, having no real idea what I was doing, but saying to myself "imagine you're like book., you love this really". Sadly it didn't work snd I managed all of 20 minutes! I'll keep trying ...

Took ds1 to a BBQ at 4ish and stopped off at TK Maxx on way home but was overcome by one of those "the last time I was here Mark was alive" moments so left pretty sharpish. I found a picture earlier that I took of him on his birthday in November / he looked so happy - Dd had bought us tickets to the theatre. Picture made me howl :( . Dd said she cried at the wedding in Dubai today when the bride's dad gave his speech. This is so hard.

Magi missing first week of Wimbledon is a heroic sacrifice on your part - but it will be worth it for your PFGD :). What's on the menu at yours tomorrow?

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AnnaLogg · 15/04/2017 20:47

Evening Juan and all (that made me chuckle when another poster said it earlier in the thread)

Went to see Beauty & the Beast today and can't believe Emma Watson earned £10million for doing so little. She just sort of turned up and looked slim Smile Not jealous, oh no, not me!

JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2017 21:11

Hello Anna - I like your name!

I meant to say welcome back to daisy earlier, sounds like you earned your place at the bar!

I grabbed one of Mark's antiseptic wipe things earlier to wipe my eyes where my make up had run - very bad idea as anyone with an iota of common sense would have known . The skin around my eyes is stinging like mad now and I've slapped some sudocrem on. Doesn't seem to helping. Plus I look stupid. Any ideas Aunties?

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TheConstantCakeEater · 15/04/2017 21:25

Youch! Maybe just wipe off with a warm flannel.

We've just hidden some eggs for the morning. Not cooking anything special or doing anything special. Will be missing my family far away. Haven't seen my sister in 8 years and mum and dad for nearly 2. Planning on Skyping them.

Hope that you and the children aren't too sad tomorrow. Guessing there's lots of memories around special times such as Christmas and Easter. ((hugs))

AnnaLogg · 15/04/2017 21:28

just give time for Sudocream to work its magic. I had it all round my lips and nose the other day because the skin was chapped after a bad cold. I know what you mean about looking stupid - I looked like Father Christmas with his white beard!

I've just named changed to Anna Logg because it's the name of Anna Raeburn's blog. I used to love listening to her on Talk Radio decades ago so was delighted to find her blog.

JuanPotatoTwo · 15/04/2017 21:39

Oh Cake, I'm sorry you'll be missing your family. Hope skyping them brings you some comfort.

I'm still sporting the Adam Ant Gone Wrong look Anna. Will persevere for a while! Who were you before your name change - obviously will understand if you'd rather not say.

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