Dh has died - the MN Aunties are helping me keep on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

New thread, not very imaginative title sorry! I can't remember how to link - having a blank moment.

It's been a long day here (just tired and hormonal). Going to be online for a bit if you'd like to talk rubbish.

I've given up for the day now. PJs and MN on the sofa.

Just been a normal day here - allotment , washing, cooking and now sitting down to do some crotchet, so I will also be around.
Look on the positive side - you have had a good day, and just remember, you can be sad too.
You will have lots of these days, sad and content here and there. Hold on to the good bits .
xx

You are all so kind :( I just feel wretched, I miss Mark so much. I have so much to be thankful for, and so many wonderful people who really care, but I feel alone. He was such a good man, really I know everyone says that about their loved ones, but he really was.

He was brave and kind and determined and honourable and brimful of integrity and a devoted dad and a brilliant husband and a loyal friend - I could go on. I'm not rewriting history - I haven't forgotten how messy he was, or how he could be a grumpy old man or how he could be stubborn. But he was a much much better person than I am with much more to offer and its just all so unfair.

I'm sorry - that ^ was all a bit like a toddler having a tantrum wasn't it?!

I'm around this evening too.

Juan what you say about Mark is lovely. Remember that he would have said just the same sort of things about you. And you are a wonderful person too, with loads to offer, and four very special DC who are part of both of you.

But yes it is bloody unfair, and it's horrible and sad

nope - it was just you articulating what it is to lose half of yourself .
No-one else knows you as well as Mark did. You didn't have to 'explain ' things. You had years of knowing each other inside out, and that is what you are grieving for ((hugs)) a shoulder , and a handhold

Gentle handhold. I'm sure he would be saying the same if things were the other way around - just not fair that you have to be going through it at all.

Sleeping any better?

I'll join you on your tantrum Juan.

John had his faults too - mainly sticking his head in the sand when things happened that he didn't want to face, and mainly that wasn't a problem - although it was the root cause of some of the issues he faced in his life.
But he was also a lovely, basically very kind, very gentle man.

SIL messaged me earlier to say that the 1st race at our local racecourse at one of next month's meets has been named in his honour.
John was raised by a mother who liked a bet on the horses and he did too.
I know who has arranged it, and swing it on the website took my breath away a bit.
I'm not interested in the races, but have been more than a few times with John.

Drama, hello. I don't feel as if I have much to offer really - he was much more everything than me. But I do know that he loved me, and that that love was what has made me into the person I am today. Not anywhere near perfect, but a much nicer human being for having had him in my life.

book, that's so true. He knew me better than I knew/know myself. I knew from the very early days of our relationship that, not only could I love this man, I could trust him, and that trust just continued to grow. He never once let me down, ever. He had so much belief and faith in me, a much higher opinion of my abilities than I ever had. I do genuinely feel so privileged to have had this amazing man in my life. But I wasn't ready to let him go. He wasn't ready to let go. It shouldn't have happened when it did :( Just can't stop thinking about his last week when we thought it was flu - there were so many points in that week when we could have done things slightly differently. And I know that if we had, he would still be here now. However, I also know that there is no point whatsoever in thinking that way and torturing myself. Mostly I don't, but tonight - well I don't know what's got into me tonight :(

Sorry Cake and Squirrels, cross posted. Not sleeping better no - but doc appointment arranged.

What a tribute to John to have a race named after him, that must make you feel proud and sad Squirrels. Very moving to hear so many wonderful things about our lost loved ones but, without denigrating anyone's efforts or intentions, all we want is to have them back :(

I wish I had the words too make it even a tiny better for you both

oh Juan and Chasing - I'm not sure that anything any of us says is truly going to help. But be assured you are in my thoughts and prayers to give you strength to get through this xx

Mark had trust & faith in the wonderful person that you are. That will never go. You have to carry on with the legacy of that love & faith bolstering you all the way.

You can do it, Pesky, you really can.

There ain't many who have have you had and I can't imagine what is it like to lose it but you have to hold on to it because that is what is going to get you through.

For what little it is worth you are in my thoughts every day & my love goes to as ever.

(((xxx)))

But it does help, really it does. Your words can't give us back Mark or John but they show that you care and that you're out there, holding strangers in your thoughts. That means so much. I hope you don't mind me speaking for you also Squirrels.

Oh magi sorry x-posted. Been doing that all evening. That's a lovely post thank you. And I know I've been thoroughly miserable tonight and feeling inconsolable but I promise that I really and truly appreciate everyone thinking of us. My threads in here since Mark died have helped so much.

well, I for one will keep on with thoughts and prayers and hand holds , for all the while you need us

I'm here for as long as you want/need. I won't pretend to be wise but I'm good at handholding and make a lovely cuppa

Thank you both. And Unborn you're very wise for a young one! Now - get kettle on

night Juan - I will wish/hope you get a good nights sleep

Sorry to hear sleep is no better. Hope GP can help on 21st.

Will see if I can go light a candle in the next few days.

Morning .
Well, it started to drizzle, and now the sun is out. Gardening and allotment sort of day.
Thinking of you as I potter around

Thank you Cake - 21st is your appointment day too isn't it?

Morning book what do you have in your allotment? I hate gardening! I've tried so many times down the years to get into it but I've failed. Fortunately our garden here is small and low maintenance although we had it made over in September and Mark was just starting to get into it.

The reunion dinner went well I'm told- P's speech very well received and many people remembering Mark with fondness. Sadness at his passing too.

Have good days everyone.

Hi Juan -
Nice to hear the feedback from the reunion.
Gardening is not everyones cup of tea, but the joy I find in it is enormous. Just wandering around and seeing plants pop out of the ground in spring. Going around the raspberries with a bowl to pick them just before you eat them , seeing the blossom on the trees . I could go on! its a big allotment, and a fairly big garden if I'm honest. At home I have summer raspberries, pear tree, apple tree and a greenhouse
in which I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, aubergines, peppers., salads, basil, coriander. At the allotment I have just about everything from more raspberries (autumn and summer) blackcurrants, red currants, white currants, gooseberries, loganberries, tayberries, Victoria plum and greengage . Two big strawberry beds.Then lots of veg - at the moment I am picking asparagus, purple sprouting broccoli. savoy cabbage, cauliflower, leeks and spinach. Can you guess I love cooking ( and eating ..... )

I hope you have a good day too , thinking of you x

Juan & Chassing
Mark and John had absolute faith in you both, its obvious from the way you talk about them and your relationships. You just need to remind yourself that if they did then you can have the same faith in yourself too.

Whatever it takes, however long, you will both get through today, tomorrow, next month and the years ahead with the knowledge that they are holding your hand and reassuring you of their faith in you.

( and kicking you up the bum when necessary when you dont believe in yourself )

Hi all,

What a lovely post Willow.

Sounds like a good garden and allotment book. My mum and dad have a big garden with what used to be an allotment at the end, but they have grassed a lot of it over the last few years - they are now in their early 70's. They also have an orchard. On a nice summer day there is nowhere better to be.

Home a couple of hours ago, had a good break with just a bit of a wobble on Wednesday. Very hard coming home though. Boys here tonight then to their dad in the morning and back Sunday evening. Then back to school on Wednesday. Not sure on plans for the next few days, or weeks.

Glad you were updated on the reunion dinner, Juan. Sounds like you have some thoughtful friends around you.