Husband using prostitutes

[shockedandshaken]

Hello - I've name-changed for this for obvious reasons. This morning I found out that my husband has been using prostitutes. I've found evidence through an online account going back several years. I suspect now that this is something that he's always done. I'm shocked and feel sick - I can't even feel angry yet. I can't believe I'm writing this thread. I've read so many on here and felt desperately sorry for the posters, and now it's my turn. He won't be back from work until this evening. I'm not sure what to do. I've got a school event to get through this afternoon. I've taken as much evidence as I can find and have emailed it to myself and copied it to a couple of devices so that he can't deny anything. I'll take my DD to my Mum's before he's back. I've told a friend IRL. Trying to think of how I want the conversation to go with him but it feels so surreal. Any advice?

User is clearly a deluded saddo, who actually believes the prostitute he's paying to spend time with is his, and only his, "girlfriend". It's so tragic I almost felt sorry for him, before waking up to the reality that he's so pathetic he can't comprehend what an equal, respectful, loving relationship is.

Hope you're ok OP, please ignore the ukpunting trolling.

Do you think the hookers have this much trouble getting rid of User as well? Poor girls.
Maybe that's why he thinks he's in a relationship with one.

Shocked; not meaning to be frivolous in your thread; I'm really sorry this has happened to you, don't know what else to say.

@merville:

You have indeed wasted a lot of time on trying to clumsily cobble together a feminist manifesto from disparate fragments where a simple answer would have done. My question was:

"Do you see any irony/inconsistency/contradiction in women going on and on about being able to do what they want with their bodies but being miserable when their men hook up with other ladies who are willing to share theirs?"

and you could have just answered "No". I think it is a confused and illogical stance but hey, we are talking about feminism so hardly surprising...

@shocked:

This thread is an echo chamber of frustrated feminists and I tried to present a different perspective. The decision is yours but the consequences will affect more people for a long time. None of the "ditch him" cheerleaders will be around to support you if you take the wrong choice. What I am saying is that it is possible to recover from infidelity and - in some cases - it may be worth trying. Only you will know what the right thing to do is and I wish you luck

Stop peddling your misogynistic fantasy user and go elsewhere. Nothing you have to say is of any use to the OP.

Sorry your thread got derailed op. Hope you're ok. Have you managed to work things out with your h regarding the house and your dd?

It was a bit odd seeing this thread pop back up again - in a way it feels like a lifetime ago. I feel like I've climbed so many mountains since I first posted.

H and I are separated and he is renting nearby so DD and I are in the house. He's having plenty of contact so in fact little has changed for her. These arrangements are temporary while we sort out finances but it's working well on the whole and DD hasn't really batted an eyelid.

The thing that's struck me most about user's perspective is how he puts all the responsibility for the consequences firmly on the wife's shoulders. This is exactly what H has done. So, it's me splitting up our family by not taking him back rather than his infidelity. I wish he would just "own" it - I could at least summon up an ounce of respect for him then.

He sounds like a really weak man OP. He can't take responsibility for his sex drive so just has to see prostitutes behind his wife's back. He can't take responsibility for breaking up the marriage so obviously it's all your fault. Well done for sending him packing.

Shocked - he's a headcase, ignore him.

And what your husband has tried to do it standard script (plus he may be a bit sociopathic/narcissistic).

What occurred to me when reading the tripe about how married men will use prostitutes the more available, affordable etc. was the absolute dismissal of choice and of personal integrity; as if those don't exist.

Even when men don't have to go looking for prostituted woman and it's put on a plate for them (as they still have to in the UK do via dedicated websites, dedicated sections of general websites, massage parlours, strip joints that offer services out of sight or where strippers will give customers no.'s to meet outside) ... I know men - decent men - who wouldn't consider it; my former work colleague who had a knock on his motel door from a masseur/prostitute in Bahrain when he went there for a weekend break from working in Saudi; apparently standard practice re. male guests in the hotels/motels there ... my uncle who went to Cuba and was offered prostituted girls by hotel clerks, taxi drivers, approached leaving & entering hotels etc. He

These men don't exist for someone like User because of how he's wired and because he presumes every man is wired like him.

Ultimately your husband has a 'problem' - perhaps it is a type of addiction or compulsion but that doesn't mean he still isn't immoral and causing his partner damage; he is not partner material.

Sorry your thread got derailed OP and glad to hear things are going better for you.

I've got to say - user's comments are the comments of someone who hasn't even the a basic knowledge of social history or in fact of non-Western cultures. Prostitutes have been around since the dawn of civilisation. As have cheating husbands. The advent of feminism hasn't caused prostitution or infidelity to proliferate. There is no inconsistency. What has changed in the last century (in the West) is that wives have the choice of being able to say that they won't put up with it, without being completely ruined in every conceivable way. Look at more traditional societies, where feminism hasn't really taken hold. Saudi Arabia; Morocco; large parts of India. Are men universally faithful to their wives? Is prostitution an alien concept? No, of course they aren't and of course it bloody isn't.

I know that you are angry at women because they reject you, and you don't think they should have the choice to reject you, and you long for the good old days when women would have known their place. But don't let misogyny completely cloud your ability to think rationally.

Thanks for your constructive comments :-)

Two more questions ladies:

1. Imagine your husband has a fling with your sister. Is it all his fault (honest men just don't do it, end of) or does she carry some blame?

1. Imagine your married girlfriend has a fling on the side. Do you condemn her out of hand (honest women just don't do it, end of) or does your view depend on what went on in her marriage (did she feel overworked/depressed/emotional/misunderstood/under-appreciated, did he not support her, share the chores, spend enough time with the kids etc)?

user

1. I'd be disgusted in both of them but it's different to the average affair / sex because both involved are important to the betrayed person. In fact I'd probably be more disgusted at my sister than my husband.

1. I'd still condemn it in that it shouldn't have happened but of course I may be more sympathetic if her H was abusive, she had severe MH problems etc. But then I'd be the same with a male friend. But it's the lying/manipulation that would make me lose respect of my friend more than the affair itself.

@NANT:
Your common sense views are restoring my trust in huwomanity!

Would any of the sistas on the thread be willing answer my questions?