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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband using prostitutes

214 replies

shockedandshaken · 24/03/2017 12:56

Hello - I've name-changed for this for obvious reasons. This morning I found out that my husband has been using prostitutes. I've found evidence through an online account going back several years. I suspect now that this is something that he's always done. I'm shocked and feel sick - I can't even feel angry yet. I can't believe I'm writing this thread. I've read so many on here and felt desperately sorry for the posters, and now it's my turn. He won't be back from work until this evening. I'm not sure what to do. I've got a school event to get through this afternoon. I've taken as much evidence as I can find and have emailed it to myself and copied it to a couple of devices so that he can't deny anything. I'll take my DD to my Mum's before he's back. I've told a friend IRL. Trying to think of how I want the conversation to go with him but it feels so surreal. Any advice?

OP posts:
SuiteHarmony · 31/03/2017 23:41

Sorry to hear this. There is no 'his side'. Not everyone will offer the right support when you need it. Remain strong. Don't doubt yourself.

Chaotica · 01/04/2017 00:01

There is no 'his side'. Or, rather, there is but it involves betraying the woman he promised to be faithful to and having sex with women for money behind your back. So his side is shit. I hope your friend can see this pretty quickly.

To the credit of XP's friends, even his dad and his business partner contacted me to say what a complete piece of shit they thought he was when they found out what he'd been up to (which was pretty similar to your DH). Anyone who doesn't respond to you the same way isn't worth bothering about it.

(FWIW XP does sometimes bleat on about 'what a difficult time he was having' Confused. I guess these men so sad they got caught they get all sorry for themselves. Angry )

You're going to wobble -- it's inevitable and you've been doing so well. But please remember that we're all around to prop you up when you do. Cake Wine

pog100 · 01/04/2017 00:04

What the hell is his side? That's ridiculous in the extreme, what's the matter with her?

SuiteHarmony · 01/04/2017 00:12

Op, be prepared that you will lose friends. I haven't seen my sons' godfathers in three years because they prefer to be ostriches remain friends with my ex than maintain any sort of relationship with me.

DadWasHere · 01/04/2017 00:32

I suspect that in his mindit might be the fact that he loves you that has driven his choice to use prostitutes rather than have an affair where emotion is involved.

Well, I suppose. But all that would happen, I think, is translate “You do things that make me feel you dont love me.” into “You do things that scream to me your a bastard.” Love is a quite bizarre thing, people can offer up their 'self genuine' love in conflicted and broken ways. Stalkers are, in their own heads, fully in love with those they stalk. Women 'fall in love' with convicted murders of other women and line up to marry them, even before they are released. There are whole psychologies of love.

Could a man have sex with prostitutes and still love his wife? Sure, but really its up to a wife to decide if she will accept that 'love' framed in a wider perspective of what else he does. I suppose a person first has to decide if love is actually there... but the value of it can be totally poisoned by what else the partner does.

Destinysdaughter · 01/04/2017 00:39

Jesus that's awful and must be really upsetting for you. What a betrayal. Guess he's trying to mitigate things and trying to put his point of view out there to garner sympathy ( because he doesn't have a leg to stand on). I know its hard but you must tell pp exactly what he's been up to so he can't put a spin on it. Feel for you OP, you don't need this shit from 'friends' right now.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/04/2017 09:48

"His side"

Hmmm, is this where he starts trying to blame you for the fact he visited prostitutes since before you were even married?

Be prepared for that OP. As horrible as it sounds, it's a distinct possibility that he may try to do this.

ohfourfoxache · 01/04/2017 10:17

His side?

His fucking side? Shock

Bloody ridiculous. There is absolutely no justification for what he's done. None whatsoever.

Is there anyone else you can spend time with instead? Someone who isn't a mysognistic apologist fuckwit?

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 01/04/2017 11:19

Being let down by a friend like that is a horrible feeling, and on top of the betrayal you've just suffered must have stung like hell. My sympathies OP.

People can be quite spineless in these situations in my experience, and hate to 'get in the middle of the drama'. Brace yourself for more of that.

Mumsnetters are looking in from the outside, so it's easy for us to speak truthfully, without holding back. I hope some of your real life friends and family also have the courage to state the blindingly obvious:

This man is a serial cheater scumbag who will never change, who continues to insult you now by refusing to admit the truth despite undeniable evidence, and who does not deserve you. You are amazingly strong. There is no 'his side'.

Flowers
Naicehamshop · 01/04/2017 13:44

His side??? Shock

What bloody side is that??!

Does your friend know what your dh actually did? If she did, and she is still talking like this, then there's no hope for her. She is an insensitive fool.

HelenaDove · 01/04/2017 14:36

She sounds like a right handmaiden.

carabos · 01/04/2017 14:56

Has she said what "his side" is?

SandyY2K · 01/04/2017 15:19

She's trying to see his side

What exactly would his side be? A desire to have sex with prostitutes for the duration of your marriage!

Maybe you should see about finding somewhere else to stay.

BusyHomemaker · 02/04/2017 13:19

Sorry OP but this womam is not your friend.

Are you able to surround yourself with strong people who have your back? You're being amazingly strong and it's concerning that this 'friend' could be dragging you down.

Original poster
shockedandshaken · 02/04/2017 15:39

Thank you everyone- I've been reading and your exasperation has really helped me feel like I'm not the mad one here. Her reaction did sting - that's a perfect way to describe how it felt. I spent some time yesterday with another friend who just listened and supported me and that's what I needed. That and another long walk. (This is doing wonders for my step count!) I stayed at non-supportive friend's last night as planned and we agreed to just not discuss it any more - I don't have the energy to fight on any more fronts. Heading home now. She hasn't been able to say what his side is (because there isn't one, obviously), but she sees the webcam stuff he's admitted to as "just porn". She believes he didn't sleep with prostitutes because she "just can't see it" and wouldn't look at any of the evidence. Apparently I just need to sit down and let him defend himself. It's not fair that I'm checking up on things without him!

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/04/2017 16:32

I think you're right about not discussing things with this friend anymore. She may well begin acting as a go-between and involve herself which could make matters very complicated and unpleasant. I think she's very silly to try to justify things. I think she's doing it because she doesn't want you too to split up, but that's not her place to try to make you feel a certain way about what's going on. If YOU think the webcam stuff is a betrayal, then that's how YOU feel. If SHE is happy for her husband to do that, that's how SHE feels. But she can't place her opinions and belief systems on you - that's not how it works.

So I would try to avoid her if you can. I don't think she's supportive and I don't think she's going to help you. Don't be surprised if she becomes two-faced or takes his side completely. Who else have you got in RL who will rally round and support you through this?

carabos · 02/04/2017 18:39

She's in denial-that's what "just can't see it" means. She doesn't want it to be so, because to her, if your apparently nice, normal DH can behave like this, then so can anybody- including any men she may be in a relationship with...

ohfourfoxache · 02/04/2017 18:48

TBH what she thinks doesn't matter, and whether she's in denial or not is irrelevant.

You have the evidence, it is not her place to "choose whether or not to believe it".

You are the one in this position, and ultimately you are the one who can make decisions about your relationship. What she says, what we say - it doesn't matter.

Fwiw I believe you're doing the right thing. If I was in your position I would feel the same way. I don't believe that what he has done is forgivable.

I also believe that she is not a friend to you - I'm sorry Sad

NewPuppyMum · 02/04/2017 18:57

I'm so sorry, s. I hope you can build a truer and happier future for yourself and your DD.

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 02/04/2017 19:22

So she "can't see" him visiting prositutes, but she can see him making hundreds of bookings to visit prostitutes and never going through with any of them? Because that makes all the sense...

It's fascinating the convuluted crap people will choose to believe when the truth is inconvient to them.

To be frank, this friend sound pretty spineless. She hasn't got the common sense or the courage to support you right now.

Quietly acknowledge her shortcomings, and avoid this topic with her from now on.

Surround yourself with strong, straight talking, emotionally intelligent people who aren't afraid to call it like it is and face uncomfortable truths.

HelenaDove · 02/04/2017 19:41

Your friend is a "cool wife" OP Shes one of those who thinks it will make the men like her better.

Naicehamshop · 02/04/2017 19:53

Your "friend" is not just stupid, op, she's actually unkind and unbelievably insensitive. You don't need friends like that - don't enter into any more discussions with her.

Original poster
shockedandshaken · 03/04/2017 11:19

ohfour - my thoughts entirely. The point is that none of this was acceptable to me, and my H was under no illusion that any of it would be. Even setting the disputed physical meetings aside, he said his first thought after a webcam session was that I would divorce him immediately if I ever found out. But he did it again and again. It's a massive betrayal.

Ironically, we're all meant to be going on holiday with this friend and her family in a couple of weeks! Hmm

All my other friends have been amazing - I wouldn't have got through the last 10 days without them. And my Mum has been a rock, especially considering how much this is hurting her too.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/04/2017 11:23

Cancel the holiday- take the dc somewhere by yourself instead.

You really don't need this toxic shit from someone who is supposed to have your back Thanks

user1492579407 · 01/06/2017 14:53

Hi i have come across this thread and my heart goes out to you it was around this time I too found out that my husband of 20 years is addicted to porn and whilst travelling around uk for course during some weekends in the year he has been visiting prostitutes over the past 3 years that I know of. No one can understand the hurt this leads to especially if you are married and have children. We are now going through a divorce because I am 52 the trust is broken and I dont want to spend the rest of my life wondering what he is doing and whether he is being truthful. My husband is the last person you would expect to do this he is quiet, polite, very anxious type and avoided sex with me although I tried everything to instigate it, he told me he had no need but on the occasions when we did there was no intimacy which I believe can be an indication. My husband has just had a sexual health test and it is clear does anyone know if this means I am definitely clear, he did wear a condom but I am wondering whether men can pass diseases on that dont affect them but they can still pass onto women, I have his NHS results text and is clear

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