Husband using prostitutes

[shockedandshaken]

Hello - I've name-changed for this for obvious reasons. This morning I found out that my husband has been using prostitutes. I've found evidence through an online account going back several years. I suspect now that this is something that he's always done. I'm shocked and feel sick - I can't even feel angry yet. I can't believe I'm writing this thread. I've read so many on here and felt desperately sorry for the posters, and now it's my turn. He won't be back from work until this evening. I'm not sure what to do. I've got a school event to get through this afternoon. I've taken as much evidence as I can find and have emailed it to myself and copied it to a couple of devices so that he can't deny anything. I'll take my DD to my Mum's before he's back. I've told a friend IRL. Trying to think of how I want the conversation to go with him but it feels so surreal. Any advice?

Well done on getting it sorted. Hope you get results soon

shocked Contact the CMS as soon as poss

Wishing you strength and offering a hand hold, OP.

I know it's scant consolation and in no way detracts from the magnitude of what he has done to you, but any sex workers are likely to have a high standard of safety and insist on protection, which does mean your risk of having an STI are lower than you might think. So glad you have had that appointment and a full range of testing. I can't imagine how tough that must have been for you. But don't dare feel ashamed of having to go there. You are not the dirty one in this story!

You sound amazingly strong and it seems like you have good support in place for this rough time.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you OP.

Thanks - though obviously it wasn't pleasant I have to say everyone who dealt with me at the clinic was great. They were a perfect mix of sympathetic, efficient, and reassuring. So, if anyone is ever faced with needing tests please don't worry it's not too awful!

And I keep telling myself it's not my shame, I've been open with my friends - there's no way I could keep this to myself.

Goodness me I really feel for you. Been there and now out the other side but it took a few years.
Make sure you look at ATM withdrawals. Anything from 50 upwards. No doubt he will say he was just taking cash for the week!
He is not being truthful. In fact take not one bit of notice of what he says. He's already lived a lie most of his marriage so he won't change now.
My h lied and minimised and excused his behaviour and it took me ages to uncover everything.
Thing is I don't know why I had this compulsive need to find out. I already knew enough and his continued lying made me I'll.
So the point is why should you go through all that?
Looking back I wish I'd thrown him out and taken the power away from him. He deserved shit.
Is it possible to be NC for a while? Sort your head out and find out everything you need to know. Then you can make an informed decision. I know what it's like it's like being in the eye of a storm.
You are the priority so look after you.

Shocked you're doing so well - you're spot on, this is not your shame. I hope he gets everything he deserves- including the utter disgust of others.

I'm going through a messy divorce. Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk more. If you can afford it chuck him out and change the locks. Don't leave the house. Make him.

Thanks everyone - I didn't sleep much last night. I'm not feeling so anxious now but there's so much running through my head.

I've had conflicting advice about the legality of changing the locks - our house is jointly owned so from what I've read, I think he has the right to enter the property unless I get an Occupation Order stating that either myself or DD is at risk. We're really not so I don't want to go down that road. However, a lawyer friend of a friend has said under the circumstances it would be entirely reasonable and perfectly within my rights. And a couple of friends who've been through messy divorces have strongly advised it. I would really like to agree things more amicably if at all possible.

For the time being H has left and is renting a room locally. He's got it on a rolling basis but it's not somewhere that he can really take DD and I want to keep their contact as normal as possible so he needs to come to the house. Again, because of needing contact with her NC between us isn't really an option.

There's no way I can afford to keep the house by myself unfortunately. My plan, such as it is, is to survive this week, absorb the shock, keep things ticking along for DD, and then sit down and talk about the next step next week. In the meantime, I've grabbed evidence, gathered financial info/statements/pension stuff/mortgage docs - am I missing anything?

I've no advice, just sorry your going through such a horrible time

The only thing is I'm not sure what there is to talk about as I presume you mean with him.
Men like this are highly manipulative as he has manipulated your reality for so long.
What can he say? Sorry doesn't even begin to help.
No doubt he will say it was in one compartment and you were in another but he loves you really.
I've listened to this bullshit and would rage at the bollocks of it all.
Do you really want to put yourself through this?
I would in hindsight have kept away from his mind fuckery so be warned.
He will of course eventually turn nasty or even blame you. Incredulous but true.
I know its so hard with little ones but he really isn't the man you should be talking to.

NC may not be an option but keeping it simple and just communication about dd would be best. I would change your number and buy new cheap phone to contact him on.
sounds to me like reconciliation is where you are heading. You need to read chumplady.
Leave a cheater gain a life.

If I had my time again I would change the locks. What if he comes back and refuses to leave like my h did?

Marriage certificate. You'llmeef that for divorce.
Passports
Birth certificate.
Wage slips.
Asset details. Cars, other properties.
A week won't be long enough.
Just go with how you feel.
Talk and decide what you want to do WHEN YOU are ready.

He eventually admitted that this has been going on since before we were married.

You know this is grounds for an annulment. He married you and never had any intention of being faithful.

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through.

Men like this should never get married. They just want to look respectable to the general public.

He could have chosen not to get married and have all the prostitutes in the world.

YY Sandy Plus they want someone to cook and clean for them and pick their pants up off the floor.

If I had my time again I would change the locks. What if he comes back and refuses to leave like my h did?

^ this is where I am at now and am starting to lose momentum. Feel like I now need to 'dump' him all over again now and go NC. Exhausting.

Please keep going. Or you'll be back to square one and living a farce.

If he can contact you he's e got a foot in the door to worm his way back in to your life and your bed and gaslight you to accept his despicable behaviour.

herwegoagain123 - did you get him to leave again in the end?

Helena I'm certainly not missing the dirty pants on the floor!

I stayed at a friend's last night and it was really good to get away from the house. I'm starting to think about the next steps without immediately panicking. I'm going to start looking for a good solicitor to at least talk through my options so that when I talk to H I'll have a better idea of where I stand.

Sandy - annulment sounds so appealing. It does feel like he committed fraud in marrying me when he knew he was behaving like this. It would be such a relief to have it all wiped away.

herwegoagain123 - when I say I need to talk to H it's about what happens next, working out contact with DD etc. We're just muddling along this week - I need things to be clear cut going forward.

Martina - I'm wary of this, which is why I need to work out clear contact arrangements soon. I think it's helped that I've been open with my friends and family about what he's done, as a pp said earlier it means slipping back would be that much harder. My best friend has also promised to slap me if I start to waver at any point! I know I can never see him as my husband again though - this is just so far beyond the pale. It's working out how to negotiate the least painful path for DD that's going to be difficult. It breaks my heart that she's going to lose her home and have so much upheaval.

You've done the right thing by telling people straight away. It feels like this can't actually be your life doesn't it!?

Stay strong. I find seeing him face to face particular hard not to wobble as everything seems so 'normal' with him. Like it's a bad dream. Advice I've been given is to only communicate electronically and keep to a minimum. Ie you say when he can see Dd and you state how much money he'll pay and when. I didn't do this and feel.like I've left myself wide open. I now need to psych myself up again to cut him off as can feel myself regressing and getting sucked in to his lies. Doesn't help that he's saying he never went through with it and was just pissing about.

Definitely strike while the iron is hot.

Thanks Martina - our H's sound very similar! It must be awful having to gear yourself up to effectively end it all over again. It's all just exhausting!

I've booked a consultation with a solicitor for Monday so I'll see what she advises and take it from there.

Go for it. I've done the same so I know where I stand legally/ financially/ re custody and I'm in a strong position. Hope you'll find the same.

I'm 6 weeks down the line and exhausted doesn't come close. Wish I hadn't been abroad when I made my discovery as had to effectively bury it for the sake of the children til I got home as I couldn't get a flight back for him...by which point that immediate shock, despair and anger had lessened and he'd bad the best part of a week in my ear 24/7 telling me how I'd got it all wrong and would never have gone through with it bla bla.

Keep the momentum going while you're clear in your head.

Sandy - annulment sounds so appealing. It does feel like he committed fraud in marrying me when he knew he was behaving like this. It would be such a relief to have it all wiped away.

See a solicitor, but I have heard that annulment assumes the two were never married and as such there are no marital assets.. So each party leaves the relationship with what they individually contributed. I imagine that isn't easy to dissect after years of marriage.

If your husband doesn't contest an annulment. I. E. Admits he was committing adultery and never intended to be faithful, it won't take as long as it can do.

Good legal advice is what you need.

You're doing really well and I'm so pleased that you have a strong support network.

A few years ago i found out my ex had been seeing prostitutes and stupidly accepted his lies about "just emailing them" etc. Few years later and found he cheated again - I actually believe that the OW is/was an escort as i saw his email to her saying he just wanted to talk for 30 minutes and along she came. She seems pretty well off for someone without a job and didn't seem overly surprised when I told her of her new man's previous behaviour.

Anyway..in hindsight I wish I'd been completely cool and factual with him (we have a child so have to see him). He is incredibly manipulative and I can practically see him reading the situation and delivering the most effective response - if I show weakness he'll try to hug me, anger and he'll be verbally aggressive. Being unemotional and factual leaves him stumped. Also I've realised that engaging in the negativity just feeds the negativity and makes me anxious.

You can deal with this shit - and come through it stronger and happier. I know it seems impossible now, but wait and see.

Jesus Christ you're a strong woman. He never deserved you.