Husband using prostitutes

[shockedandshaken]

Hello - I've name-changed for this for obvious reasons. This morning I found out that my husband has been using prostitutes. I've found evidence through an online account going back several years. I suspect now that this is something that he's always done. I'm shocked and feel sick - I can't even feel angry yet. I can't believe I'm writing this thread. I've read so many on here and felt desperately sorry for the posters, and now it's my turn. He won't be back from work until this evening. I'm not sure what to do. I've got a school event to get through this afternoon. I've taken as much evidence as I can find and have emailed it to myself and copied it to a couple of devices so that he can't deny anything. I'll take my DD to my Mum's before he's back. I've told a friend IRL. Trying to think of how I want the conversation to go with him but it feels so surreal. Any advice?

Can I just say that when I asked my ExH to leave, I immediately booked an appointment with my GP. Not just for the STI screen but to say 'I can speak calmly today because I am in shock but if in a few weeks or months I come to you in bits, I want you to know this.' I found it helpful to have done that when I did go back a few months later struggling to cope, and I didn't have to relate a sorry back story. and

Hi, just wanted to reiterate what others have said about your strength. I know how you are feeling, I found out last summer that my husband had been using prostitutes for about 6 months, not as prolific but devastating none the less. I moved myself and my 9 month old son out of the house as I couldn't bear to be around him. I went through every emotion, mostly anger and hurt.

We went to couples counselling and he's been going to individual counselling and is showing full transparency in relation to bank, emails, phone etc so 9 months on I have decided to give him a chance. I doubt that decision on a daily basis but our son is very young and I do still have love for him. I just wanted to say I know what you are going through and there is no pain quite like it. A strong support network is vital and it sounds like you've got that. Huge hugs to you xxx

Thanks all - I've really not felt very strong at all this week. I think I crashed on Wednesday night (lots of crying on the floor!) and I was very up and down yesterday. I'm feeling much clearer today though.

H has given me the log-in to his AdultWork account - I looked through it but it raises more questions than it answers really and I'm not going to torture myself with it any more. I know more than enough already.

He's started counselling and thinks it's really going to help him, which is good, but I've made it very clear that he needs to be doing this for himself and our DD, not with a view to winning me back (which i suspect is his main motive).

I'm clearing off for the weekend to stay with some friends and he can spend some time with DD, which she needs. Still waiting for the STI test results so I'm hoping being away will take my mind off it. I've got everything together and questions prepared for my solicitor consultation on Monday. What an exhausting week it has been. But I've survived, and DD has been fine, and that's all that really matters.

I think your wise not to torture yourself with AW. Who needs the grim details?!

I would like to give you a warning though, as like every other man in his shoes he's come out with "I never went through with it".

My own (well XH!) experience of AW is that initial contact was on the site but actual confirmation moved to mobile. So he'd say "can you do outcall at 17:09 on Tue? Ben* 07xxx xxxxxx"

Then nothing more.
Now I know he went through with it - for a start, my neighbour saw the woman's security 'minder' sat in the car outside for an hour Seriously! Could you have sex knowing the bouncer was on the drive?! I'd feel bad not offering a cup of tea for a start

Also there were 2 reviews. I shit you not!

But just on the AW info alone, if wanting to believe, I could have done.

So just keep in mind that AW is not the full picture.

Sorry

I would also say OP that with regard to trying to cross reference his payments for using escorts, many insist on being paid in cash so (if you decide to look for confirmation) you might be looking for cashpoint withdrawals.

As you say, you've got evidence, he's admitted it (has he fully admitted it?) and it's without doubt the case that he's done it. For you to do it to find out more 'for yourself' I think would be the wrong thing, but you could use the information to back up your claims from a legal point of view which I'm sure would be useful but maybe have your solicitors appointment and see what evidence they feel you would need so you're not poring over stuff that might not even need to do.

No doubt your energy will be variable at the moment so you need to save what you have got for the really important things and leave aside anything that's not really necessary.

There's not really anything on AW that would be needed legally.
We have no fair divorce so it won't impact the outcome.
Even if you wanted to cite adultery instead of UB, booking prostitutes wouldn't be evidenced of actual PIV sex.

Is he admitting it now, or not?

Ellisandra - yes, ditto to everything you've said. He's saying that his bookings don't show as confirmed but then it sends out his mobile number with the request and I can see from emails on there that they've called him. And yes, two delightful reviews (which he says are fake). I mean, honestly!

Polly - he's only admitted to webcam sex, which is the bit there's solid AW evidence for so he can't deny it. There are over 300 transactions! From dates I can see he was doing it while I was there at times, but somehow it's worse that he was doing it while I was working away and our DD must have been asleep in bed. That really got to me.

So, that's more than enough for unreasonable behaviour isn't it? I guess I can't 100% prove adultery if he keeps denying it but I'll see what my solicitor thinks. I only have his statements going back to September and there are no major cash withdrawals that can't be accounted for. It's still possible he has a credit card I'm not aware of. And this has been going on for years. If I can avoid having to investigate his sordid behaviour any more, it would be infinitely preferable.

Sorry x-post with Ellis - I was thinking AW was probably used that way for just that reason and to keep a veil of legality! So I'd probably have to stick with UB.

so even in the face of overwhelming evidence, he's still denying/downplaying it? Therefore trying to minimise your feelings on it. That'd be the nail in the coffin for me. He's not sorry. He's sorry he got caught.

You are so strong though OP. Amazing woman.

So how is this counselling going to help him when he's not even telling you the truth?

This sort of shit with my XH was actually more degrading to me personally than the cheating. I felt - OK, cheating, its horrible and its disrespectful to me but it's not a judgement on me. But lying? Well, now you're treating me like I am utterly thick. No. Fuck off!

Fake reviews???!!!
Just... why!

FWIW, my XH made multiple bookings and had only 2 reviews, so I don't think reviews are common. One just said "a true gent - nice to meet you x" TBH, I assumed it was for the benefit of other sex workers - a way of saying "this one was clean, paid up, and didn't rape me".
There's just no reason for a fake review.

Also... we're all of his "just looking never went through with it" booking with different women? Because if there are repeated booking "attempts" to the same woman, of course he's lying - they'd have blocked him.

I did notice (because my XH was v short notice) there was a fair amount of "sorry Hun, I was working - missed this, but I'm working Tue-Fri next week? xx"
So not every booking did lead to sex.

But... bollocks has he spent years (YEARS!) making contact without going through with it AND without getting blocked

My XH never admitted it. But as I said - the neighbours saw the woman enter my home and leave an hour later with minder waiting outside! The denials are laughable, from the distance of time. No laughing matter for you now though

I just had a look at his reviews again (been a while!)

"I really enjoy with you babes hope see you again xxx"

now that was a fake review cos I guarantee the sex with my sexually inept selfish technique-less husband was not enjoyable at all

But the point of looking again was to check - very rare to have a confirmation. It was all requests with his phone number - it's clearly perfectly common to switch the comms off the website after initial contact. Logical really.

to you - I know I'm all clinical and black humour on this, I'm well out the other side. You will be too x

Thanks Ellis - god the pattern sounds identical! He booked with several girls over the years (funny how the locations changed when we moved) but there are a couple he went back to repeatedly - one in particular seems to have been a favourite!

there's no way he wouldn't have been blocked by that one, if he was a repeated time waster.

I do feel a bit stupid applying that logic though - like, why am I bothering to apply logic to his lying crap?!!

He thinks you came down in the last shower

I came on here to post about discovering my husbands affair, but your post caught my eye, such a sad and shitty time for you.

Glad you have your mum and good friends. I'm 3 weeks since the discovery and still have major wobbly moments.

Keep strong, you're doing so well.

Tell him, you have no time for him and will refuse any talks until he stops bare face lying and insulting your intelligence.

Only talk about dd. Everything he tries to talk about anything else, hold your hand up, and say 'I refuse to acknowledge anything you say, until you can grow up and admit what I already know to be the truth'

Sorry you are going through this.

What a spineless shitty coward of a man

You sound wonderful, OP - he totally doesn't deserve you.

Hope he enjoys his seedy lifestyle - it's all he's got left now.

I agree there's no way he could book so many times and not full through, and not be blacklisted for time wasting.

Also, if there are records of transactions over the years, is he seriously suggesting he kept booking and not following through? Every single time? Maybe first 2 or 3 times he might have bottled it, but if you didn't follow through on it say 9 times, why would you book a 10th, 11th, 12th time? It defies all logic and sense. Which means it's not true. I just think it's terrible that he still won't admit it.

Good luck for Monday SandS, you're doing so well

This has just happened to a friend of mine. She has now left her marriage. It does make me wonder whether this is more common than we think.

You need him to stop lying to you. Maybe he cant as its so ingrained and he will be shit scared.
No way they are fake reviews. They are real and means he has been visiting prostitutes. My discovery went back 10 years with no reviews.
Also why do you think it involves major cash? £50 is the norm. Also he might have used cards in brothels. I know.

i really do feel for you, it's such a horrible thing to find out. My husband was going to bdsm fetish sex clubs and had a whole secret life behind my back.
I can't even bear to look at him and feel our entire 20 year marriage has been an utter sham.
I burnt every single picture of him in the house and he's gone now.
Unfortunately it;s almost impossible to trust again. Please gather ALl the evidence before you divorce him - you MUST have evidence to prove it and get the best deal for you.
I know you are shaken but do nothing until it is all printed off and hidden somewhere outide the house.
I have a theory they want to be caught or they would hide it better.

Mermaid OP doesn't need any proof and it won't impact any "deal".

Frankly, it could be the OP who was using prostitutes and lying and the settlement would be the same. Our divorce system doesn't penalise.

I need a bit of a hand hold tonight. Friend I'm staying with is a mutual friend of me and H and clearly H has been talking to her. She's trying to see his side, and as much as I understand she's in an awkward situation I'm struggling with that when it's so overwhelming. I probably shouldn't have come here but had hoped we could avoid it (sort of) and it would be a distraction. Ironically her DH is much more supportive towards me. I know I'm doing the right thing but to have someone else who I love and trust question it has rocked me.

Trying to see his side? Jesus, the cheek of the man.
Stay strong op, he is just trying to bullshit and manipulate you.