Incompetence as an act of aggression

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

You really need to find your anger and hear his voice as white noise only.

Just weighing in as another voice of support - how dare this fucker 'go on strike' (from what, exactly? Doesn't sound as though he's working himself to death for you), just to add to your stress?

He's running scared, I guess. Wants you to see what you'll be missing...i.e., nothing. Get him gone and get on with your lovely new life.

He's just text me to collect his tablets from pharmacy. I'm guessing he hasn't been taking them. I refuse to get them and then he won't get them and we'll all have to deal with his swinging moods.

Op have you got any real life support? Friends, colleagues, parents of DC friends? Is there woman's aid cwhere you live (think you said not UK).

He is not your responsibility. Do not get his drugs, even if you do get them he probably won't take them. If he wants to be an awkward fucker he will find anyway to do make things difficult, whether you get his drugs is irrelevant. You need to get him out of your life and fast.

There will always be some reason to delay leaving him, but you need to be strong and just do it!

He sounds awful OP. It sounds like a plan to use your annual leave to get things done next week. If there is even a hint of violence when you tell him to leave, get the police round.

Don't worry about your feelings for now. Put them aside - be a robot and just do what you need to do to get rid of him. Once he's safely out, you can let your feelings catch up. You absolutely can do this. It's difficult for a short while - the actual getting rid part - but then life is so much brighter and easier afterwards.

If he hasn't been taking his tablets up until now then why would his moods get any worse?

And what the hell is he doing with himself all day that he can't get his arse out to pick up his own tablets? (although I guess if you're working at the hospital that has his prescription then it becomes more difficult). Does he have the car or do you? If he's still got it then why doesn't he just pick them up himself, he's got ALL BLOODY DAY!

I haven't any support. Not practical anyway.
He is using the non collection of prescriptions to control me, he can't control me in any big way so it's death by a thousand cuts.

so it's death by a thousand cuts.

Then draw your own sword and put this miserable creature out of its misery. It's obvious he contributes nothing, you do it all yourself anyway, so you have nothing to lose except an overgrown useless child. You will have LESS to do and worry about, and you won't have the resentment and microaggression you have now.

I have long term mental health issues and I do understand how debilitating they can be. But just as with physical health problems, people must take responsibility for their conditions and do everything they can to manage them where possible. Collecting and taking medication is the very least one could do.

What about reporting him to the police regarding his drug taking. Would that be enough to get him off the tenancy.

I had a husband exactly like your partner and can tick all the boxes that you mention. You are being bullied by a deeply selfish person who will never ever change.

I know you are apprehensive but don't ever underestimate your capability. You are doing an incredible job working full-time and running your household. You have already proved that you can run your home on your own. It will actually be easier on your own.

You don't have to leave immediately but start making plans now and start to believe utterly that this relationship is over. Yourself and your children will flourish without him.

Once you save up the money for the arrears tell him that your relationship is over and he needs to leave. If his behaviour becomes threatening ring the police and ask for their assistance.

Personally I would start to insist on taking the car in the mornings. If possible get your DS a basic phone so you can ring him to get him up on time to get himself off to school.

Ring Women's Aid and ask for their advice. Where I live people who work can apply for crisis loans, you don't have to be unemployed. Maybe Women's Aid can give you advice on this and other options that are available to women leaving an abusive relationship. When I left my abusive ex Women's Aid were incredible, even if just to have someone to talk to who believed me and supported me.

I left my EXH with 2 small babies a very long time ago. From the minute we moved into our tiny (and I mean tiny) flat we were so happy not having to live with him. I was broke and things were very hard but it at least it was just us and bit by bit things got better. I still remember the feeling of elation just knowing that I didn't have to live with him ever again.

20 odd years later and he still hasn't changed one bit, in fact he has got more despicable. My adult children only see him on rare occasions when he deigns to ring them and even then they don't hang about. The have him pegged and have no respect for him whatsoever.

You are a young woman, get your life back and start having a laugh.

Nothing will change until you get rid of him. He's abusing you and the children and you're enabling him every time you make excuses why you can't chuck him out. I know that sounds horribly harsh but it's true. Your kids deserve more than a man who does drugs, contributes nothing to the household, doesn't work and treats their mother like dirt.

Chuck him out. If he gets violent, ring the police. Abusive behaviour towards on, on record, should be enough to get him off the tenancy. You can also apply for the equivalent of an occupation order and stop him from coming near you and the children if he becomes violent or aggressive.

I know it's hard to change your life, but you won't be happy while this leech is still in your home. His housing, financial problems and health is not your responsibility. He's not helping you or your children by living there - in fact, his presence is detrimental to their emotional welfare. Get rid of him before he does any more damage.

Can I tell you how bad your situation is OP? I do not mean to make things harder for you but you need to understand how this situation strikes someone who is just reading about it.

Every so often, there are threads on the Relationships board that show people to be living in abusive situations that are so horrible to read about that they truly sicken me and make me lose faith in human nature, and so I retreat from Mumsnet for a bit, or play around on the lighter pages, like Baby Names.

Then I tell myself come on, Daemon, you feel this sick just reading about it, what more the poor souls who have to live it, and what more their poor children?

Your thread was one of the ones that I read and was so sickened by a few weeks ago that I had to take a break from the Relationships board. That is how bad your situation is to an outsider, it really does not bear reading about.

You work, you have your own money, with a bit of juggling, you can find a caregiver for your children who will care for them, while you work. There is no reason at all that you are allowing this man to do this to you and to your children -- do I understand correctly that you have not 1 or 2 or even 3 but 5 children with this man? That is 5 human beings whose self-esteem, sense of worth and confidence in themselves and in their future relationships is being damaged by watching this dreadful model of a relationship play out.

I know you are exhausted, and it is easier just to give in, but please make this the final straw. Please get out for your children. Please don't come back one month from now to report something else that he has done to make your life harder. Please make this the last time this happens. I am sorry for the endless missive, but I really wish good luck and much strength to you and your children.

Fucking hell OP. Please just throw him out. Even if your older children end up picking up skme of the slack for a while, they'll all be happier and better off than they are now.

I agree with daemon, this is a really sickening thread to read.

Thank you. I know how bad it is. The only reason I haven't posted over Easter is that I brought the kids to see relatives, therefore we didn't have to deal with his shit for a couple of weeks. The beauty of writing this thread is that when I see it written out in black and white it reinforces the reality of the situation.

You mentioned near the start of the thread that you've been together many years and neither of you have family or a support network.

You can create a new network. You can do this via single parent groups, support groups e.g. for parents of children with autism, maybe mumsnetters if you find others living where you do.

And you're not responsible for him or his loneliness if you split up. He is an adult. He can do that himself.

OP, you will be so much happier if you leave him. I know that's easier said than done, but it's true.

Last year, I had a thread running about my ex, and how I discovered he kept two children from me - he pretended they didn't exist, then tried to say they weren't his, before admitting he was a deadbeat who hadn't seen them in years. We had other problems, but as soon as I found out he'd lied, I finished the relationship straight away, three months before we were due to get married.

My point is, although ending the relationship was hard and scary (I had to give up my job and move six hours back to my parents' because I couldn't afford to stay in our town alone), a year down the line I am in a MUCH better place. Ending our relationship was the best thing I've ever done. Straight away, it was like a weight had lifted and my life has only gotten better - I have a new job, a wonderful partner and I've lost a stone. I'm so much happier now than I ever was with my ex.

Please don't stay with him through fear of the unknown. You don't need him, nor are you responsible for his wellbeing after you break him. He's an adult and perfectly capable of standing on his own two feet, he just doesn't need to at the moment, because you're letting him walk all over you and treat you like dirt, while he lives in your home for £50 a week and you buy his cigarettes.

You deserve SO much better

*break up with him, although breaking him might be extremely tempting

OP I came on this thread as the title intrigued me - i have just become divorced from an X who was EA although I didnt realise this until he had an affair and left - I suddenly became non existent despite being married for 20 years and throughout my divorce which has been extremely acrimonious my claim was that he was out to destroy me emotionally and financially. I didnt know incompetence was a form of abuse - My X is a high level professional but in the home whenever i needed his help and this wasn't often - he was "useless" so i ended up doing it myself - he hid behind his business and the need to work. There was never enough money unless he "needed" to buy something. When he thought his OW was returning to her DH i had the "suicidal ploy" and ended up getting the police looking for him. At this time i did not know about OW but i was told many times on here there would be one. I thought he was the exception - I thought his values and morals were good. I now see he is a complete fake and the only way he can feel better about himself is by seeing me "destroyed". i have had depression for 20 years - a result of "numbing" myself. i have 15 year old twins - i see the same "incompetence" in them when I ask them to do the basic of chores and when i keep reminding i am nagging - if i leave it to them they "forget". I thought I was being a good mum by doing it all - that when the time came they would do their bit - i was wrong- since they've had no choice they have become far more responsible and when they don't see their DF the atmosphere in the home is good. There has been no impact on my day to day routine by X no longer being here - i see how little he did - but I have been financially screwed over by the courts and his manipulation of facts. You are lucky OP you are working, you have been doing it all anyway and you have 2 DCs who are learning how we all need to work together thanks to the shite of their DF. Remove him from the equation and you will flourish - i did not realise how much of an impact he had on my wellbeing until he was no longer here - the PA behaviour is a silent killer. My kids are now experiencing the manipulation first hand although they are "scared" of upsetting him - to the outside world he is the prefect dad and i am the deranged bitter X wife - but you know what I know the truth and so do you and so does everyone else reading your thread. Where do all these useless fuckers come from - my view - the mothers did too much for them - doted on them made them feel special - and then they expect the same from their wives! Do the right thing by your kids - and one thing that struck me - you say he says he loves you - sorry but he doesn't - he doesnt love anyone not even himself - he doesnt know how to love because if he did there is no way he would be treating his kids and the mother of his kids as he is. OP you have the strength to do this and you will be fine

OP I remember your post because your DH sounds a lot like my DH- aggressively incompetent sums it up, right down to the cannabis smoking. Mine is pathologically forgetful, indulges in risk taking behavior, unreliable, messy and chaotic, terrible with money, obsessed with computer games etc. Well. His sister is in therapy and has been told she may have undiagnosed ADHD. His mother also probably has it. I looked up the symptoms and it was like our fights were summarized right there on the page. I read about being married to someone with undiagnosed ADHD and our whole relationship was laid out in front of me. He's got an appointment for an assessment in a few weeks but I'd bet all my money that he has it. I don't know if any of this rings true to you?

www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder.htm

www.additudemag.com/adhd-divorce-rate-marriage-help/

Both myself and my husband had undiagnosed ADHD until recently, and I can't imagine how horrendous it would be for someone without it to have to live with us. My sympathies. I hope he gets diagnosed and some treatment in place, it has made a tremendous difference to our marriage.