Incompetence as an act of aggression

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

One thing I can tell you is that he won't end up on the streets. Passive agressive manipulators like him always land on their feet.

Also I work with people who sleep on th streets and none of them have problems as minor as smoking weed and a but of gambling.

He wil be fine. Yes he will have a bit of dramatics but yOu can tell the hospital that you are not togther. You're not married are you ? So they need to contact his next of kin.

You don't need to persuade him he's wrong. Just tell him it's over and you need him to move out .

He doesn't need to think he's wrong, only YOU need to think he's wrong. He's responsible for himself.

OP, I think you know that you're done with this pathetic loser. I know it looks so daunting now, all those things you're going to have to organise etc... but this has to be done now doesn't it. You don't have to stay with him, he's controlled you and abused you into thinking that it's probably just easier to stay as the alternative is some sort of insurmountable problem. It's not!!!

Don't enable him. To be a lazy twat, to be a victim, to be a general arsehole.

You are wearing yourself out OP, and for what?

OP, he truly is a parasite, a living, breathing parasite. Don't put your DC's through one more week of living with this excuse of a man. You need to see the bigger picture, once he's gone, your health, clarity and happiness will come back to you, I promise. And to your family. If needs must, rent privately. Leave. He'll soon lose the house, and be out. If it's the difference between staying and being stuck in the vortex or leaving, just go.

Parashite?

Yes, strategic incompetence as a method of control. He sounds awful.

It will take a while to detach emotionally. If you can get legal advice, and put things in place so that you can present separation as done deal (non-negotiable) then it will be easier.

Second I g legal advice!

No need to get angry. You want to end the relationship; you want him to leave. Be calm and be assertive. The strange numbness that settles on you in this sort of relationship can be useful. Be as bland as possible; agree with anything he says: " yes, you're probably right. Still, I'd like you to leave."

I wish I knew your rights if he refuses to go, but hopefully someone will be along soon who does.

I have a few instances logged with the police from years ago. Also Psych hospital social worker was in contact because of his aggression toward female staff members. Not concerned enough to remove the nessecity for me to take him home it seems.
Jopefullyctjis will help my case.

When I said be angry, I didn't mean 'start shouting at him' I meant a channeled anger that you use whenever you might be losing strength or forgetting exactly why you're getting him to leave. An acknowledgment of exactly how badly he's treated you and how you don't deserve it and don't have to live with it. Getting angry can carry you through the first stages of something like this, ime

So Im back home, kids aren't in bed. He sitting on the sofa fuming quietly as though he is the wounded party. He has spent equivalent of one hundred pounds on weed. Or debts for same. I have told him that this is not acceptable, and they he sickens me that he can't prioritise getting dcs to school.
I can't do any more tonight because kids still up. I am torn between bidi ng my time and getting my ducks in a row or just going for it tomorrow. I don't have funds for a private rental if he refuses to go.

I am uneasy saying this, but if asking him to leave would provoke him to violence, how violent to you reckon he would get? Bruise violent or stabby violent? Could you go in prepared with your phone on two 9s and when he kicks off, have him removed?

I think, take a little time off work, speak to the domestic violence team at the police and make it clear you want him out, and that you need their support to do so.

I actually dont think he will be violent, but I wouldn't discount it entirely, I will just call the police if he does...its more like he simmers and keeps me controlled with the possibility

Let him simmer, but do ask the police to support you through this.

his behaviour is utterly unacceptable

You have the right to decide that you are not living with him any more

He clearly cannot care for the children and has demonstrated this

And they have a right to stay in their home.

Therefore, he must leave.

I would echo pps regarding the your worries about him not coping if you chuck him out. And I'll add my explanation. A good mate had a cocklodger very firmly lodged. She worried he wouldn't cope without her. If she threatened to leave him she'd get the histrionics. Eventually she saw sense and binned him off. She was utterly outraged when he moved in with a new partner within the month. As she said ' I only let him stay as I thought he wouldn't cope with the separation. I would have binned the fucker years ago if I'd known it would be so easy.'

he's funny and affable by nature this is typical in my opinion. Also maybe a sensitive/poetic/artistic/minstrel act; and perhaps there might be something cute and boyish about him/them that make women want to be the one who looks after him/them.

Yeah my mum is a dick though and filled my head with the idea, that there was only two types of men in the world, boring unattractive nice guys, and exciting men who treat you like crap. Thankfully I realised pretty early this was shite

kindDogs you're just described my mates cocklodger to a tee. A matey, affable wandering minstrel.

No wonder he was so fucking chilled. Too damn right I'd be relaxed if i did fuck all but sleep till noon, skin up and play guitar all day.

He was very good looking, but has ended up with the face he feserves

*Deserves

Worknamejimellis I actually lolled at that.

I would start by waking your older ones in the morning and taking the car. The teens do not have to be told to go to school or get up they have to.
If he is spending that much on weed I would leave change my bank details. What is he putting in? He is not a sahd except physically.
You can do this. I was married to one and I had to coach him with everything. I left him and felt liberated!!