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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Incompetence as an act of aggression

221 replies

Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 16:24

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

OP posts:
LivelyLima · 21/03/2017 11:25

I think you need to "tool up" legally, as per all the advice. I think it sounds a horrendous arrangement, I wouldn't call it a relationship. He sounds like a lazy, unpleasant little sod.

Arkengarthdale · 21/03/2017 11:25

We're here to help you out of it Flowers

BoringUsername17 · 21/03/2017 13:25

OP you might have a point that it's got worse since your dad died, like he thinks there is no longer another man who will stand up for you.
I think this has happened to me since my dad died, although stbx was always a twat he has stepped it up a gear.

BeMorePanda · 21/03/2017 13:49

You have a lot to do OP - I think you really need to get to a place where you focus on sorting yourself and your DC's lives out, and let STBXDP, who is a fully grown adult with an income, take care of himself and his own life and issues.

Yes splitting up is going to mean his life changes and he needs to sort stuff out for himself =- but this is a perfectly normal thing for a grown person to have to do.

You have enough on your plate - he will not be your problem or responsibility and the sooner the better.

Don't let him dilute your self and lives any more!!!!

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 21/03/2017 14:11

it's not even like my Dad was any threat to him? He was soft as butter but he would have got me out of here if I had been ready to go. I have just been back to the council, they said that they would be inclined to take his name of tenancy if I cant get into voluntarily do so, but can't change tenancy whilst we are in arrears. It's not a huge amount but will take me a few weeks to clear. Unsurprisingly caused by him.

OP posts:
BeMorePanda · 21/03/2017 14:16

well that is excellent news!!

MoreProseccoNow · 21/03/2017 14:40

Hopefully the end is in sight for you, OP 💐.

HecateAntaia · 21/03/2017 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LivelyLima · 21/03/2017 15:13

I have just been back to the council, they said that they would be inclined to take his name of tenancy if I cant get into voluntarily do so, but can't change tenancy whilst we are in arrears

Fantastic news!!!!!!!! I'd borrow or steal to get out of arrears and get him out. Lazy, manipulative taker that he sounds.

Greatdomestic · 21/03/2017 15:34

Hi OP. I rarely comment on relationship threads.

However as previous posters have said, get your ducks in a row and extricate yourself from this "relationship". It would appear that it brings little to your life and is sucking the joy from your life.

It is easy for a stranger on the internet to say, but life really is too short for this shit. You and your kids deserve better. You are basically operating as a lone parent anyway. However, prepare for his manipulation to ramp up and do what you need to, to protect you and your kids from it.

Good luck.

Speakeasy22 · 21/03/2017 16:20

Good luck OP. Had similar situation. I wish I'd found Mumsnet then cos there is such good advice and support. It really will be better without him. You may feel alone and embarrassed now but you'll realise that when people learn what's been going on they will only be supportive. So many people live with difficult situations I think there's a lot of understanding out there that you may not realise now.

kittybiscuits · 21/03/2017 16:36

I read a text written by my ex bragging to his mates (when we were preparing to sell the house) that he had done more DIY over the weekend than he'd done for the past 20 years. Please don't kid yourself that these lazy arseholes don't know what they're doing. It's an art form to them, being lazy cocklodgers!

whatisgoingon1 · 21/03/2017 16:45

OP you need legal advice on how to get a house occupation order (or equivalent to that to your country).

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 21/03/2017 21:05

and what about avoiding all responsibility ? Making me make all the decisions that affect the family so if it all goes belly up I'm the bad one.

OP posts:
rosabug · 21/03/2017 21:13

He's passive aggressive, it's a recognised personality disorder and when it's bad, it's abusive. It's unlikely he can change as this behaviour is deeply embedded. One of the things they do that drives their partner's crazy is 'forgetting' and being 'hopeless'. Does he also say one thing but do another?? It's said that with the passive aggressive you have to judge them by what they do, not what they say. So start reading his contribution to your life it terms of what he has and hasn't actually done.

KindDogsTail · 21/03/2017 21:16

and what about avoiding all responsibility ? Making me make all the decisions that affect the family so if it all goes belly up I'm the bad one
That is typical.

MoreProseccoNow · 21/03/2017 21:17

Classic PA behaviour! He's behaving badly to force you to make the decision, so he can look like the victim. It's manipulative crap! Try not to engage with it, focus on your exit strategy.

kittybiscuits · 21/03/2017 21:32

I can't do linkies, but I recommend a book by Norma Femenia called The Silent Marriage - How Passive Aggression Steals Your Happiness.

CharlotteCollins · 21/03/2017 22:41

Don't buy cigarettes for him any more: that's a bit more to put towards the arrears.

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 21/03/2017 23:50

Yeah I wouldn't but it would be even more hellish a situation whilst I try and organise things..

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 21/03/2017 23:51

Why.... he has the money to buy them. Just be passive aggressive back and 'forget'

BeMorePanda · 22/03/2017 00:01

Reading your posts is giving me flashbacks!

Over 4 years free from all of XP's passive aggressive, sulky, incompetent, eggshell, gas lighting, moody aggressive bullshit.

I can't imagine now why I put up with it for so long.

I can tell you OP, your life will improve dramatically once you separate.

BeMorePanda · 22/03/2017 00:04

Remind yourself OP you don't have to fight, argue or verbally engage with him. There often isn't any point in this once behaviour especially once you've detached.

You can avoid a lot of drama by just not engaging.

He's a friend man with an income. Time for him to fund his own addiction.

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 22/03/2017 00:04

Can you tell me more about how you left, Bemorepanda?

OP posts: