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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Incompetence as an act of aggression

221 replies

Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 16:24

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

OP posts:

Jux · 22/03/2017 00:15

Tell him that you've got a few short weeks ahead so can't buy his fags. He's got £200 with which he can buy them, or he could switch to rollies for the time.

Then use yhe fag money to pay your arrears, then get him off the tenancy, then you're all set.

Kick. Him. Out.

Original poster

Thebraveandtheconstant · 22/03/2017 09:14

I get what people are saying re fags, but have you ever lived with someone giving up nicotine. Believe me the small dent it would make in the arrears is not worth the stress, I would have my hand forced and end up fucking things up for my self

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 22/03/2017 09:32

He doesn't need to give up just pay for it himself with the money he has.

Original poster

Thebraveandtheconstant · 22/03/2017 09:40

unfortunately, by the time payment day comes around it's all owed out to his scumbag mates. This is not a normal thinking individual. He gives me half the payment. Any way, tobacco is cheap enough here and I don't want to derail thread :)

OP posts:

KindDogsTail · 22/03/2017 12:16

Yes, I agree, let him get on with smoking etc so he stays in a lulled state so you can get on with your plans.

Original poster

Thebraveandtheconstant · 22/03/2017 12:37

that's what I'm thinking. I have taken on some overtime to clear debts / provide a cushion. Feel apprehensive at the hard work ahead. But living like this is killing me. I have NOTHING in common with him, he is older than me, ammotivated , pure boring. I am early thirties I want to have a life, laugh.

OP posts:

KindDogsTail · 22/03/2017 12:53

That sounds like a good idea, and you have time to plan carefully while you do it. As another poster mentioned, just detaching will help.

BeMorePanda · 22/03/2017 13:10

Can you tell me more about how you left, Bemorepanda?
I stayed, he left. My flat.

I simply detached - got to the end, and got there in my head. He went to visit his Mum across town and called me to bitch about something (actually to tell me I needed to work on my attitude!!!) and I said "This relationship is over. You need to move out when you drop the kids off". End of. I refused to discuss anything on the basis that it would simply be all about his rage. I got very cold and disconnected. Detachment can be so WONDERFUL and empowering!!!

I'd been trying to discuss things for years and got no where, so there was nothing to discuss (unless he was prepared to be completely open and honest which he wasn't). There is nothing to argue about - nothing at all. I was no longer prepared to be a vent point for his rage and fucked up personality. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

He brought the DC home, stropped around getting some of his stuff together and went to his Mums. No longer my problem. Hooray!

He continued to be unpleasant, and I just ignored him, refused to speak to him (as he would try and abuse me). Restricted communications to emails. Initially I tried to be reasonable/nice, and let him access the flat to see the kids (on the days he collected them from school) and he took this as an opportunity to abuse me, so I took his keys away, and told him he couldn't come into the flat. Once he learnt to be more kind and reasonable, I got a bit softer and easier. He now hasn't been abusive for about 2 years. But I expect it will happen again at some point. When it does, I will cut him off from me (not DC but me) entirely again.

You are going to find things improve dramatically in yourself as soon as you get this dead weight of a person out of your home.

knackeredinyorkshire · 22/03/2017 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeMorePanda · 22/03/2017 13:14

Does he have family? He can stay with them.
As he's not working they don't even have to be close by. Also if he can't stay with family, he can stay with scumbag mates.

It's really not your problem where he stays - it's his (don't let him make it your problem).

BeMorePanda · 22/03/2017 13:16

I take it you aren't married OP?

As you are the earner, and have the flat (same as me) these things are much easier if you aren't married (at least in UK they are).

DistanceCall · 22/03/2017 21:00

Trouble is neither if us have any family, we have been together since we were kids. We are each others only family.

He's not your family, OP. He's your enemy, and your children's (whom he regards as instruments to get to you). And it sounds like he has been for a long time.

CharlotteCollins · 22/03/2017 21:27

And you will feel less lonely, not more, without his negativity in your house.

Original poster

Thebraveandtheconstant · 27/04/2017 04:07

Well, it's been a while now since I posted. I think I am coming close to breaking point. I am playing with the idea of telling him to leave next week. I am utterly exhausted, will have worked over 135 hours in the Ten days prior to Monday next and he has gone 'on strike'. He will not do anything above feeding the children and dressing the smallest for nursery. Because I had the audacity to point out to him that he had spent around 1500 on him self in the past four or five weeks. I am putting in extra hours to make up the deficit as he no longer gives me any money toward the running of the home/kids .
My older teens are temporarily holding the fort with regards to putting g the smaller ones to bed etc.

Trying so hard together the strength to do this have a week's annual leave next week so steeling myself

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 27/04/2017 04:42

Op didn't want to read and run. Please follow all the excellent advise on this thread and get this arse hole out of your life. Things will be so much easier once he is. Honestly.

user1486956786 · 27/04/2017 04:46

You will read about a lot of dickhead partners on MN but please know, it isn't normal, it isn't meant to be this way. There is no right or wrong way on how to run a household and relationship but the key is it's done in a way that both parties are happy with. I really think he will only get worse and worse and eventually won't get out of bed at all. You deserve so much better than this, you need to believe it, and act on it.

iMatter · 27/04/2017 05:28

I really think he wants you to "fail".

It's not your job or the children that is pushing you to a breakdown. It's him. 100%.

Wishing you lots of strength to get rid of him.

NewIdeasToday · 27/04/2017 05:51

You sound like a strong and intelligent woman. You really don't need this man in your life. I hope you find the strength to kick him out. You really deserve more happiness from life than this. And so do your children.

Original poster

Thebraveandtheconstant · 27/04/2017 05:52

He says he has given up smoking cannabis the last ten days...
I have been on this merry go round before many times. He is just making a half arsed attempt as an excuse to not give me any money. You see he is 'settling his debts'once and for all. But now he doesn't owe so much money out he has no reason to give it up in his mind, but he needs some one to blame. It's my fault now when he has to go get a bag because I don't believe in him. Same old story

OP posts:

Startoftheyear2017 · 27/04/2017 05:59

Be strong 💐

notanurse2017 · 27/04/2017 06:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fishface77 · 27/04/2017 06:24

I've watched your thread from the beginning op. You can do this.
Living with him must actually be like a slow death. Terrible terrible piece of shit.
to you.

picklemepopcorn · 27/04/2017 06:26

How long till you clear the arrears?
Is it worth taking on a small loan in order to get there quicker, as you will save faster with him gone?

TupperwareTat · 27/04/2017 06:40

You can do this, think of your wonderful new life

WhisperingLoudly · 27/04/2017 07:04

Wishes by you strength. You will be so much better off without him

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