Incompetence as an act of aggression

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

My partner can't even play guitar

And I work full time, two with asd and Timmy the tumour (long story)
You can do this..., you will feel a thousand times better.
They can help with lunches, dinners etc.

I leave at Six am, kids don't need to be up till later, totally the teens should and do get themselves up but primary x2 and 3 year old needparenti g in the morning no?

You nee him out now! Not only does he do sweet FA he is actually doing harm to the kids by not sending them to school and running up huge debts on drugs, what kind of influence is that for yours dc's. Time to go mr, your free ride is over!!

If you are worried you won't be able to get him out can you have the police and locksmith on stand by, next time he goes to his mates have the locks changed and the police present? Tell them with his mental health history and abusive behaviour you are scared what he will do. Also it documents the abuse and keeps you on the right side of everything RE tenancy, positions etc.

You need this cretin out your life!

thebrave reading your thread reminds me of xh so much I feel sick. And angry on your behalf.

Sounds like you know it has to end. That's good, he's not going to change. Manipulating passive aggressive shit bags get worse with age, and he's mincing his brain with weed on top of that. Waster.

My advice would be to break it down into little manageable steps. Slowly but surely and safely.
You can do it. Look at what you're managing already. And without him uour energy will double believe me.

*your

If your driving do you need to leave then? At six? Could you not leave later and cut him out of breakfast?

Sadly i would still need to leave early as have 7.30 start.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP, but you can leave him. He is draining the life from you and setting a terrible example for your children.

One day down the line you will look back and be so relieved that you left him. Things will improve massively I can assure you.

It sounds like you are a really strong person who does so much, looking after so many children and having a stressful job. You can do this entirely by yourself, and you'll have more energy and feel so much happier!

He however will sit around rotting away for the rest of his life.

You have so much to fight for, get shut and continue to make a life for you and your children OP!

Do you know a reliable person who is a neighbour, say a retired older woman, who would be very pleased to earn some money to come in at 5.45 to look after them, get them ready, give them breakfast and take them to school?

Hope you get this all sorted soon. It's a bit of an eye opener for me as my DH does similar about bin bags etc and I've often wondered if it was deliberate. I wouldn't be able to tolerate the level of shitty-ness he is treating you and your family though. It's more than a piss take.

for you. Get an au pair and LTB. You sound like an absolute . Keep strong and maybe have a bit of on the way.

Good to see you start the planning OP.

You absolutely can do this. And life will be so much easier once he's not there fucking everything up.

And this is the reason I divorced my ExH .... His level of incompetence reached heights I thought couldn't be possible. He made my life so hard...

After we split up I had more time, more money and my sanity!

Get yourself a bank account in your name only, transfer your wages and outgoings to that account (i.e. Utilities and rent), talk to your housing association/council about tenancy and abuse. Find a good childminder for 7am - 9am and school pick ups or talk to the school about breakfast clubs and after school clubs.

Thankfully the drug debts aren't yours and will have no bearing on your 'proper' finances. Hopefully the gambling debts are in his name alone.

Take control of your finances, he goes and visits friends every night to smoke? Maybe they have a spare room for him???

His poor life choices should not be a reason to stay with him - he made his bed (well literally I guess he probably didn't) he should find somewhere else to lie in it!

Get some advice about his 'rights' as a tenant before you
do anything, Op. Make sure you know where stand legally
first so you don't show your hand too early and give him
time to dig in.
I think you're an amazingly strong woman, OP and you'll
look back on this time and see it for yourself one day.

Op I have only read your posts. This struck me:

If anyone knew in real life I'd die.

My lovely friend, she is with an arsehole. Two dc together. She has no idea of his income. His financial situation. Debts/Savings. Nothing.

He refuses to let her use his tools to any diy and uses this as a pa tool - he's so busy, putting up a picture hook is too much for him. She is scared to buy her own tools or borrow mine because he would be angry.

Childcare is her responsibility. If she works, she must pay for that privilege.

But he's got a rugged smile, and if I was naive I could call him charming.

I assume I see but the tip of the iceberg.

My point is, people in real life do know. And the same day that she tells me she is leaving, there will be a bed in my home to help her, and food in my cupboards to feed her and her children.

We don't interfere in our friend's relationship, but when she chooses it's the time to go, we will be here.

I can't even see what he gets from the relationship. We haven't had a sexual relationship for over a year. He won't do anything with the kids or as a family . He sleeps on the sofa. I'm absolutely certain he could find another victim/ relationship. Seemingly he could have a much better existence if he left. But maybe not fund his lifestyle

I guess I thought he would just leave eventually as I had physically and emotionally with drawn from the relationship

He has it cushy with you

OP, the whole relationship sounds very dysfunctional, as if you are both waiting for the other to end it. It seems to be a particularly male trait to behave so badly that the female partner is forced to end it (classic PA behaviour).

Have you thought about co-dependency ? It might be worth a quick google to see if you recognise any of your/his behaviours?

Anyway a few details, I have my own bank account to which I receive my salary, child benefit and tax credit equivalent. He receives an absurdly generous jobseekers payment ( compared to UK). He gives me half toward the housekeeping but I buy him cigarettes during the week, so he probably contributes around fifty quid a week for food, living costs car etc. He goes around like all hobo, in ratty old clothes despite having nearly 200 quid to himself.

I know a bit about codependecy. I feel it's more like Stockholm syndrome at the moment.

If you were paying for a sitter/child minder and they acted like your DP you wouldn't hesitate to get rid of them.

I am assuming you work in a hospital if so talk to your manager - perhaps you can ask for adjusted hours so you can get them to school yourself in the short term. Communication is key In my experience - your manager and colleagues would prefer you to be there for some of the time rather than none. They must have made exceptions for other single mums.
Alternatively speak to your GP and get signed off with stress as you are clearly suffering with it. Use the time to get rid of the dead-weight in your home and make alternative arrangements for childcare/job hours.
I suspect your DP has a personality disorder and certainly sounds like a complete manipulator as well as having no insight into the effects of his "parenting" on the children's welfare.
Good luck

Ya know I think he could have a personality disorder alright. Since my dad died he's got even worse. Like he knows there is no-one to help me so he won't make any effort to behave like an adult and it's like a big fuck you to me as there is no one to help me out of it