Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Incompetence as an act of aggression

221 replies

Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 16:24

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 18:26

Moanyoldcow, Thankyou. You have written out my biggest fear. I'm so sorry that happened to you

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 18:33

So I have two choices. Put him out or leave my self.
Our house is a mess, it needs serious work. It is on a small council estate, very quiet but grubby looking area. Dcs embarrassed a bit. Rent is more than UK council rent but still around half market rent.
Coukd leave him in the house and private rent in nice area which I would love but wouldn't be keen on the instability of it.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 20/03/2017 18:34

I know I sound harsh but I lived this. I lived with an ineffectual (step-)parent whilst my mum was bled dry. It's been nearly 20 years. My relationship with both sisters is only just recovering from the trauma and they are both in/suffering the after-effects of shitty relationships which were modelled at home because they were left with him.

I'm still angry with my mum for it. I adored her but will always be angry about it.

Freshprincess · 20/03/2017 18:37

It took me a long long time to realise the incompetence was on purpose.

He never emptied the bin because he 'didn't know how to'
He never took DS to cubs because he didn't know what time it starts or where the uniform was
He couldn't take DCs to swimming because dcs wouldn't behave in the changing rooms and it stressed him out.
He never took leave for school holidays because he didn't know when the holidays were
Etc etc etc.

When I pulled him up on anything he would rage, threaten to leave, tell me how awful I am, how terribly I treated him. I feel like a total fool for going along with it for so long.

Now he's gone my life is so less stressful. Yes I have to do everything on my own, but I now Spend zero time asking him to do something, explaining how to do, reminding, reminding again, pancking that it won't be done, then doing it myself and pretend

Moanyoldcow · 20/03/2017 18:40

I wouldn't give up a secure tenancy. Get him out, get the place fixed up a bit with your kids over the weekend - they'll love it. It will be a fresh start. When you're used to it all, your salary is up, and you are all used to the dynamic then you can move to a place you love.

Good luck. I'm relatively new to MN but it's so supportive and if I need help I know where I'll be coming. Everyone here is in your corner.

macnab · 20/03/2017 18:50

He sounds like my father OP, I'm in my 40s and have been NC with him for a very long time but I still have the emotional scars. He let my mum do absolutely everything, then expected to be treated like a god in the rare occasion he did something (it was never anything boring or practical though) Ranted & raved if his behaviour was ever called into question. Threatened suicide regularly (my earliest memory of him threatening to slit his wrists was me at 4 years)

My poor mum put up with him for decades. I don't blame her really, certainly times were different then and leaving would have been almost impossible in our circumstances. But she did leave, when my siblings & I were grown up. She wishes she could have done it many years earlier. So do all her children.
Please put yourself and your children first, get out and get on with your life. He sounds like nothing but a parasite. Good luck OP

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 18:58

Well apparently he didn't even bother to send dcs to school today. What a crock.

OP posts:
BoringUsername17 · 20/03/2017 19:04

Get rid, OP.My STBXH was like this, that's (partly) why I dumped him. Ironically I worried that he wouldn't be able to manage without me. He met someone else (another mug!) within weeks of me ditching him and he is like a dog with two dicks at the moment.
I wish I'd got rid years ago.

nonameinspiration · 20/03/2017 19:05

Oh my god plan and leave!

Dozer · 20/03/2017 19:05

Get some legal advice asap about the tenancy and your options.

You have put up with his shit for far too long already, to your and the DCs' detriment.

You say you don't want others to find out what he's like - booze, abuse, weed, gambling. I bet your DC already know, and they are who matter most.

Be a better parent by LTB.

nonameinspiration · 20/03/2017 19:06

And re the histrionics. My dad tried all that shit and he's now 96..... that was in 1988

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 19:06

Oh my god... I pray for him to meet someone else, to have an affair and leave me for her. If fucking only.

OP posts:
TheOnlyColditz · 20/03/2017 19:07

Keep the house, throw him out.

Unless that's not going to be doable. Then leave.

TheOnlyColditz · 20/03/2017 19:12

Brave, I too used to wish exp would have an affair and leave. Lide is better without him and your subconscious knows this. That's why you want him to have an affair - to release the sense of obligation to 'try'.

kittybiscuits · 20/03/2017 19:13

He will need a good firm boot up the arse to get rid of him but you will never look back. Do not gift him affordable housing. Keep it for yourself and the DCs and sort it out, one bit at a time. I felt paralysed just like you. I don't know why. My ex had no redeeming futures, yet I was terrified of doing it alone - though I already was. There is a better life for you and your DCs than this.

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 19:19

It's MY house, he manipulated me into putting him as joint tenant, but council said he will have to voluntarily come in and take if his name, but if he's abusive ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 19:20

I wish I could get angry, but I'm just so numb

OP posts:
nonameinspiration · 20/03/2017 19:21

Is moving closer to your family an option?

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 19:23

Nope not a chance. Even on short visits they start golden chilling my nieces and scapegoating my dcs. Tolerable for short bursts only.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 19:23

*childing

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 19:24

Also couldn't afford to live where they do

OP posts:
nonameinspiration · 20/03/2017 19:26

Sorry I scrolled back through thread. What are childcare options? Property swap? Tax credits?

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 19:29

childcare options are minder or creche, will have to re jig hours probably

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 20/03/2017 19:31

The main thing now Thebrave is not to second guess yourself or let him manipulate you.

Whether it is deliberate, or unconsciously so, this is abusive to you.

If you were alone could you hire some help?

Original poster
Thebraveandtheconstant · 20/03/2017 19:43

I guess I could hire some help. I could maybe take some emergency annual leave to deal with the fall out, organise care. It's just so hard to throw him out when he doesn't think that he his doing anything wrong? And if I Am angry he reacts by being angrier

OP posts: