Incompetence as an act of aggression

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

Ok, I need to make a plan. Thing is all the dcs will have is me. What if I am not enough? My health has been poor, but probably down to stress. How do you kick some one out? He won't go quietly and will probably do some histrionic self harming behaviours and end up on the streets. He will make a fool Of The dcs. I feel so I'll thinking about it all. What a pig

When he was in the psych hospital they bullied me in to taking him back. I told them it wasn't safe as he was making dcs at risk from emotional abuse but they said I had no choice.

It's amazing how clearly I can see that his incompetence is his last form of attack on me

Ok listen

Your life will be easier without him

I know it doesn't seem like it because it's all you know, but most of your stress is directly caused by him, and the rest will be indirect.

Can your 13 year old manage to get herself and 3 year old up and ready for school in time for a child minder to come by? Mine couldn't but I know some could. Similarly, once HE is gone, You will have the car to just drop them both off at a child minder.

They will have him too, it will just me mummy and daddy no longer live together; don't let anyone else bully you then; you are more than capable of getting rid; he's bringing nothing to the table OP, you can end a relationship when ever you want, you are not married to him either so a split should be easy.

Listen, you need to sort out in your head what is YOUR responsibility and what is HIS.

So your kids, your job, your home, your mental health, safety of kids - YOUR responsibility

His mental health, his relationship with kids, his behaviour, his home - HIS responsibility.

I know you're used to doing it for him but it's really not your probelm. The Psych ward bullied you into having him because they're grossly underfunded, that doesn't make him your legal responsibility. If he acts out in front of the children, bring them away from him and call the police. If he makes himself homeless - so be it. His problem. If he wants to self harm and take drugs, he's an adult and that's his decision, not your problem.

I KNOW how much this feels like your responsibility but you need to drop the reins, they aren't yoiur reins.

He is actually punishing you, love

I don't know if he will be an asshole about the kids? I will have to prepare for there being no help at all.

It feels massive but really I am already doing it all arent I? Feels like I am sleepwalking through life. And if I'm not treading on eggshells I will be less stressed? Without responsibility for him

Do you think the children would prefer it if he wasn't living at home?

I think that most Of The children would prefer if he wasnt there, as atmosphere would be better, although he is their dad so of course they love him. I should add that 15 years-old has behavioural difficulty, is in autistic spectrum so may be hard to manage alone? But partner dies fuck all for him, their relationship is poor.

Anyfucker, why would he punish Me though? I have worked tirelessly for the benefit of our family.

Some people just want to wreck everything. He sounds like one of them..

He punishes you because he is a cunt, pure and simple.

I wonder if he thinks that if he fucks things up enough, my confidence will be so low that I will stay? And he can live how he wants here? Doing fuck all? Like even when I work nights, he doesn't get out of bed, just let's the older kids mind the little ones until I give up and get up

I think you are correct

If anyone knew in real life I'd die.

I'm in real life, I know, you're not dead. (I know what you meant, but the point is you won't die. You might discover surprising sources of compassion and assistance.)

why would he punish Me though?

It doesn't matter why. Maybe he doesn't like that you make him look bad. Maybe he's jealous that you've been able to succeed and he hasn't. Listen, it sounds as though he has many problems, and perhaps he will sort them one day. You seem to have done your best to tolerate itno idea if you've tried to help himbut the point, as stated upthread, is they're ultimately his problems.

You clearly can't go on as things are.

I'm just reading this op and thinking you just be really strong to do what you do every day and keep going. You've definitely got the strength to leave him. You've given him enough of your life and he's had a good run of it but he needs to stand on his own feet. You're not responsible for him

Good God, OP, however hard it is to end things with this bellend, how can it possibly be harder than the life you're barely living now? I can't get over him taking the car for a ten minute walk while you commute two hours every day. I know it's easy for me to say but you've got to give yourself a shake and stop enabling all this shite, best done by dumping this worthless millstone.

I don't let him off with it, I'm constantly telling him I will leave if things don't change.

He IS getting let off with it because things don't change and you aren't following through. You must screw your courage to the sticking point and see it through. And you will be amazed at how much easier it is when you don't have a stupid violent fucker weighing you down.

Thank you so much everyone. I was convinced I would be flamed. I deserve to be flamed. It's like I've disaocciated from how bad it is

As women, we are discouraged from getting angry and often chastised if we show anger, but anger is going to be an incredibly useful tool for you op. It will give you the strength and momentum to keep going and di what you need to to kick his lazy arse out! If you find yourself wavering, remember how he's treated you and get ANGRY 😡

It is really, really bad

He obviously sees your threats as empty. Put him right.

You don't deserve to be flamed now but if you stay in that situation you will do!

When will you stop enabling him? My mum spent nearly 20 years with someone like him. She died in her early 40s miserable, leaving me, a tween and a toddler, and a big fucking mess because she didn't have the courage to leave.

You will be doing your children and yourself the biggest favour in the world by getting out of there.

My 14 year old has ASD - I do it alone and I do it all and it is STILL easier than doing it with an incompetant baboon as a partner