Incompetence as an act of aggression

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

The salary is only just getting OK, I could scrape by but in five years from now will be excellent.

I don't think he has anything that will redeem him. He is loyal I guess. He says he loves me , I don't tell him the same as It is not true, I wish him no harm and we do get in, as long as he has no responsibilities to live up to.

LTB.

So you do it all, and when you're not there your 13yo DD steps in. Unfair and poor examples to set for her: you in tolerating it as well as him.

And start taking the car!

FFS, bin him. He's fucking up your kid's education.

And take the fucking car!

If he wasn't around, would you be able to still go to work and support yourself with the children? Could you adjust your hours so you can do the school run and put the 3 year old in a nursery? Are grandparents available to babysit in the day? Can you afford a nursery? You will get tax credits for some of the cost, and a certain amount of hours free.

It sounds like all your partner is useful for is childcare. Is he kind to you otherwise? Is it still worth him being around? I seriously cannot fathom someone being depressed enough to not make their own dinner, but well enough to do the school run. I've been hospitalised due to being so depressed I was psychotic and not trusted to not hurt myself, and I really cannot empathise with someone not being bothered to make themselves and children food due to "mental illness". Even depressed people still want to be nice, and don't want to be a burden. It really does sound like laziness, especially if the consultant agrees.

I'd be tempted to kick him out, or at least tell him he can only stay if he gets a job. I understand "getting a job" is hard in some parts of the country, but he can sign up with a job agency and they'll give him short-term work waitering and driving things, in the time being whilst he searched for proper work.

Don't put up with it, please.

Does he truly do nothing other than get the children to and from school?

I don't know what you should do about your marriage, but I do think you should stop taking the bus wasting two hours of your day commuting.

Make him walk or cycle the school run, it will be good for all of them.

LTB and get a live in au pair.

Why don't you think you deserve to be happy? A psychologist said he was manipulative, he doesn't contribute to the family at all and you don't want to be with him. I honestly don't understand why you are with him when you don't want to be and don't need to be.

Still don't understand why you want to stay with him; you have your family, your children; and so what if you have been with him for years; he sounds a liability and is not supporting you, in fact, he's 100% a cock lodger; give yourself permission to be happy OP, it is allowed!

At least start taking the car. Zero chance I'd be getting up at 5.30am because people in the house were too lazy to walk 10 minutes.

"I know I should leave. Trouble is neither if us have any family, we have been together since we were kids. We are each others only family"

None of those reasons are in any way good enough reasons for him to remain in your day to day lives. That also sounds like the sunken costs fallacy to boot.

What are you teaching your children about relationships here; that yes we must all enable the cocklodger as you have done to your great cost.

Would he be the resident parent if you split. You may need to be cautious as you could lose residency of your children to him.

Let your children see you chose happiness. Set your( very hard working) self free.

So what if he is loyal; I can see the attraction for him to be in this relationsihp because he gets the opportunity then to manipulate you left right and center. Did you not believe his cons. psychiatrist at the time?.

So he is loyal you say. What does that say about your relationship bar?.
And if you want loyalty a dog would be a better companion.

I Suppose I'm just so drained that I can't summon the energy to leave/get rid. His family are all non functioning and I think that he will end up on the streets if I do. We had massive debts . I'm ashamed to admit this but due to his gambling. He also is rather fond of a spliff. I would have a drink once or twice a year, FFS that's it. I won't tolerate him smoking weed so he skulks off to his friends house most evenings-guess what? I have to do bed times alone. I'm so ashamed. If anyone knew in real life I'd die.
Re grandparents helping. My family are abroad. And they won't help. They like him because he's funny and affable by nature , and I am scapegoated as difficult by my mother and golden child sister. My Dad used to have my back but he passed away a few years ago.

We are not married and he does not hav3 parental rights, this is the law , where I live. Not UK but not far from it.

Thebrave - you might be less drained if you weren't up at 5.30am every morning !
Take your car back at least.

He was violent to me two or three times early in the relationship, not for ten years plus because I left him and was serious. I got a council house in my name and somehow I let him be put on the tenancy as joint tenant. I am a fucking idiot.

It feels good and yet awful to put this down in words. It sounds so awful, but I'm just so ground down by it. Most days are just mundane. Him failing to live up to his responsibilities and me carrying the can. I don't let him off with it, I'm constantly telling him I will leave if things don't change.

Do you yourself have rescuer and or saviour tendencies?.

Where he goes is ultimately not your responsibility; your responsibility lies primarily now with your own self and your children. He is counting on you being drained so as you do not get rid of him. Thus he can carry on being deliberately incompetent, gamble, drink to excess and smoke weed. BTW he on some levels is just as conniving as your own mother and golden child sister.

I would seek legal advice asap regarding this matter.

Enabling as you have done does not and never works; it has simply given you a false sense of control.

"I don't let him off with it, I'm constantly telling him I will leave if things don't change".

He does not take you seriously because you've never properly followed through with your threat so it is meaningless and has now lost all its power. He knows that you do not mean it and you're still there with him now.

Come on now. You're making HUGE mistakes here.

Tomorrow morning, go in the car. It's ridiculous that you're travelling by public transport for that long every day. You're the breadwinner and you start work very early and have to travel a long distance (comparatively) - you need the car.

Buy your DD an alarm clock. Buy them all alarm clocks! Get rid of that manipulative nasty bastard. Why didn't you get rid when the psychiatrist told you what he was like?

Ignore your parents and their golden child. Treat their opinions as irrelevant and tell them nothing about your life.

You will be able to get a babysitter for 5.30 am - 8.30 am. They do exist. Go onto the Sitters website - there's a contact number and you can phone them to talk about what you want.

Turn your life around, OP!

And get his name off the tenancy!

I have read some threads here in the past and I know things are shite. It's like I'm paralysed. I feel sorry for him, but at the same time I know it's his fault he's a cocklodger for sure,