I shouldn't marry him should I?

[Tryhardfailbetter]

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

There's a rhetorical question, AF. It's just 'too much' for the poor fella. Again, just hope next time he gets angry there's something else of yours for him to break besides your face.

Whether or not he is an "evil abuser" is a moot point in some respects, as even if he was a lovely guy it is plain that they want different things out of the relationship.

He will agree to get married provided it is not a big deal and no effort is required from him. Likewise, I'm sure he'll agree to have kids provided he doesn't have to do much with them or take any responsibility.

If he dealt with his anger issues he'd maybe be a good partner for someone who wanted to gad about and not really be tied down too much, but it is obvious that OP wants a lot more than that.

It's a lot easier said than done then to just leave. You need to have a very serious long chat about how you can't yourself marrying someone with this temper. He has till may to change or weddings off. And stick to it

Nope, you should leave abusers, I want to say that in case my earlier post is being misinterpreted as encouraging a softening on that point. My ex was not an evil monster, he has many great qualities and also problems which are not at all his fault, but he still was abusive at one time, and he is still an ex. There is a reason for that.

Of course you can't marry him. No brainer of the day, that one.

If he was truly mortified by his violent outbursts, he'd have sought help forever ago. He's not, though and, instead, he has you running around, trying to make it all better.

You can't make it better. You cannot fix him. And you can't guarantee that he won't move on from furniture to you.

If I got Iike this around my partner, I'd get help and I'd move out until I was sure I could control myself. He hasn't sought help and he hasn't moved out to be sure he doesn't hurt you.

Assuming you don't ask him to leave now (because your posts are all about how he feels, how he is troubled, with your own needs barely mentioned) then how about you change things a bit.

You say he is undemanding. How about you stop doing 90% of the housework? How about he does 90% for a while? To prove that he really doesn't want you for a house-elf and sees how much effort is involved.

How about you stop planning the wedding?

How about you tell him to leave the house for the night if he starts on you? Obviously you will have to be ready to call the police if he refuses to leave your property.

Can you imagine demanding these basic things that the rest of us take for granted?

tryharder

re your comment:-
"I know his behaviour is disgraceful and he does too when he's calmed down".

Again you are speaking for him here; you do not know this at all. He has really shown you no remorse whatsoever. If he was truly remorseful he would leave your property today and not be at all with you any longer.

Abuse is also not about a lack of communication (so long and or in depth chats are really not needed); its about power and control. He wants absolute over you and he breaks your things to get that. He already has you doing a merry dance around him.

He's hit doors before now and has now broken your coffee table. What will he break next; its a fine line between your possessions and you.

Someone, namely your parents (and probably your mother), taught you to become both a rescuer and codependent and both you and this man are still acting out the dance of the codependents.

Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized.With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness.

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but really harbour feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking an active role in their dance experience. They are convinced that they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness.

All of the posters talking about "anger management issues" - OPs partner seems to be able to manage his anger just fine, as he appears to be such a 'sweet', nice guy as OP has said, to everybody else, it's only her that he has shown his anger to.

His anger and violent behaviour is all about control, it's not about being depressed or having anxiety.

And whether or not he is an abusive man is definitely not a "moot" point as a PP has said - it is the most important point and the only one that is really worth discussing. All the rest is a big red herring.

OP please get yourself out of this relationship - having just watched one of my loved ones go through a relationship like yours (and mercifully get out of it eventually) - my heart is breaking reading your posts.

Actually I think there's a lot of truth in what Olympiathequeen is saying. I don't think he can cope with everything at the minute. Not that I'm excusing him. I know his behaviour is disgraceful and he does too when he's calmed down.

Aah well, that's ok then. Not to worry. Poor little bean, needing help to get through all that nasty violence and stuff.

OP - you have 2 choices.

1 - leave this relationship, look into fostering/adoption/IVF/sperm donor and be a single parent (and that is a proper family, much better than a standard 2-parent where one is abusive to the other).

2 - stay with him and have kids. Bring kids into this dysfunctional 'family' where they witness violence and anger, unless of course you are cowed and meek and do everything and never ask for anything. One in which you are teaching your daughter how she should behave with her husband. And teaching your son how to abuse women.

With Option 1 - you have your mental and physical health, and even if you never have your own kids, it's better than option 2. With Option 2, you have what you have always dreamed of, a perfect family. But wrecked mental health, possibly wrecked physical health, no joy, just work. No respect.

If you stay, he will hit you.

Today the table, tomorrow it could be you that's flying across the room.

If you think breaking it off now is hard, how much harder do you think it is going to be when you have to go through a divorce? when he has eroded your sense of self and self-worth that you truly 'know' that him hitting you is Your Fault? when you are even more vulnerable because there is a baby/child in the mix? when you are badly hurt?

Or when you are dead?

Come on, wake up and smell the coffee: he has shown you who he is. Pay attention ffs.

And if you think you have a problem with being bad tempered and 'getting in his face' during arguments, then seek some anger management help for yourself.

You cannot sort HIS problem out, only your own.

OP how long has this been going on for and how often is he losing his temper and hitting things?

Ok - taking a balanced view then, taking you at your word that he's not an evil abuser, he has issues and that he's struggling in some way. This does not negate the fact that you are on the receiving end of his escalating 'reactions', having your stuff broken and not knowing how much further or when this could escalate (i.e. bodily violence - he's already physically and emotionally violent). Is this the life you want? Really? And ok, you may love him now, but how far will that love stretch? Will the love still be there when you're subjected to his verbal abuse again and again? When your home is wrecked, and you have holes in your walls and doors and no nice things because they've all been thrown and broken in these fits of rage that the poor lamb can't control? Will you still love him and be clambering to put his violence down to stress or childhood issues or whatever when you go shopping and see something you like and think, 'well I won't buy it because it'll only get broken'. When you have a child and watch that child subjected to what you're struggling to live with as an adult choosing to do so.

It's like the circle of abuse - when a child is abused somehow by a parent and grows up to be an abuser. Yes it's terribly sad that that person had an awful childhood, but would you sit down with the wife or child he's just pummelled and even dare to make excuses for him, or extend any compassion towards him, or suggest that they need to help him somehow? Of course you wouldn't, you'd be calling the behaviour for what it is and encouraging and pleading with them and assisting them to get the fuck out!

Please apply this to yourself. Call off the wedding, get him out of your house and out of your life. Of course it will be difficult and heartbreaking and you'll grieve for the life you were hoping you'd have, but really, that life is a fantasy. The reality, at this moment, is that he's raging at you, being verbally abusive, breaking your possessions. A wedding isn't going to cure that, and at the moment there are zero guarantees that it's going to get any better - in fact the evidence points to the contrary.

Have you seen this thread?

Here's another way of looking at it:

How much shit to accept in a cup of tea? Only correct answer is none, obviously.

The same goes for violence in a relationship.

I hope you are still reading this and that these many horrified reactions help to keep you safe

He says this, he says that
Actions speak louder than words

Why do people so often use depression, anger issues and difficult childhoods to excuse dangerous and violent behaviour?!?

There is no excuse for it ever. I've never read about a murderer who got let off because he had depression or a difficult childhood.

Trying to be sympathetic to any abusers issues only makes it less likely that an abuse victim will find the courage of conviction to leave and I'm not just talking about the OP but any woman in a similar type of relationship who might happen to read this thread.

Everyone has a past, everyone has vulnerabilities, and a lot of people have or have had depression, but not everyone goes around smashing up furniture, shouting in their partner's face, and worse.

MH issues/difficult childhoods may be an explanation for violent behaviour but never an excuse.

And whatever the reason for his behaviour, what you have to ask yourself is whether you want to live your life in fear of what he is likely to do next.

You know this pending marriage is a no go. You don't need to prove it. You are not required to submit a disertation to get out. It is not selfish or being a bitch to have some consideration and make decisions that promote and nurture yourself, let alone seek out basic self-preservation.

You know this relationship will not go the distance.
Skip the divorce and just don't get married in the first place.

There are other options to fulfill your mothering instincts. Options that do not bust up your possessions or scare you or put you (and any future children/pets) in danger. Put yourself at the top of the list now, it is imperative that you do so.

After reading the second paragraph and no further. No you shouldn't marry him. Life is too short to be dealing with that type of temper

The other issue is your HA flat in London. You marry and it may well affect your tenancy. At present he has not right to stay there.

I read the first paragraph about him breaking your coffee table leg didn't read any more because that alone is enough to get rid
You deserve better