I shouldn't marry him should I?

[Tryhardfailbetter]

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

I will be cancelling the wedding, there's absolutely no way I can go through with it now. I know that.

Atila I felt the counselling I had was really good regarding my parents. It's made me a lot stronger in my relationship with me and I feel they respect me a lot more now. The issues with dp simply weren't there then though. It's only since December that this has started. Actually since we got engaged come to think of it. Another horrifying thought!

It has already occurred to me that he doesn't really want to get married. I asked him that last night once things has calmed down, but he insists that he does.

People are saying it has nothing to do with the wedding, but I'm not so sure. I feel like he can't cope with the realities of our adult life together. As people have said it is a terrible sign. If he can't cope now when all he does is go to work and occasionally hoover and wash up, then how would he cope with a baby?

I've fooled myself totally with regards to this relationship. I've tried to force it and now it's blown up in my face.

Damage limitation now, Love. You are doing the right thing.

You know you can't marry him it's no mistake he chose and destroyed the one thing you really love it's part of dehumanising you, next you won't be Allowed any friends n then he'll start saying it's because he loves you so much then you'll start wondering if you made all this up he's a nice person really

The question for you is why are you staying

He never stops me doing anything paddleornopaddle He's not controlling in the slightest in our day to day life.

I'm still with him because I love him a lot and I wanted to make our relationship work. I don't need confrontational why are you with him, he's an abusive arsehole comments to be honest. Real life is not that black and white. I've wanted to believe I'd finally found happiness. That's not a crime.

Please stop TTC. And tell your friends and family about his behaviour.

So you own the property? Great! So he has to leave if you ask him. Do that, perhaps initially in the guise of "wanting space" temporarily, to reduce risks to you.

A "real family" is whatever you make it.

Yes, if he can't cope with adult stuff without becoming abusive like this, it doesn't bode well.

It strikes me that the vast majority of relationship issues on this board could be solved by heeding what our partners do rather than what they say. Even if he has no interest in the wedding he knows it makes you very happy so why would he not want to take advantage of an easy way to show he loves you?

Just curious, how long have you been together?

I didn't say that though did I. This that you are describing here is abuse theres no getting away from it, we can all chose how we behave no matter what our background I'll just say to you, that I've been where you are, come from a place similar to you in regards to the family life you describe. You do have a choice a husband and a baby won't fill the void only you can do that. Theres no crime in wanting to be happy non what's so ever but you won't be if you marry someone violent

Dozer We can't conceive without help anyway. We found out we both have fertility issues.

I don't own the flat. It's HA but in my name.

Tempus We've been together three years. I suppose he doesn't get involved with wedding because he feels dissociated from it He said it's because I've changed my mind so much about what I want (which I have to be fair) and he really didn't want a big fuss made anyway.

But then he says he knows it's not fair that he's taken that attitude and he's really sorry. I feel like I've gone wrong with wedding planning and somehow messed it up. I just wanted a nice day for us.

tryhard,

re your comment:-
"I'm still with him because I love him a lot and I wanted to make our relationship work"

You are codependent and are perhaps confusing love with co-dependency. I do wonder if you know what a mutually loving relationship is because I do think that you have no idea at all. After all no-one's ever bothered to show you what that is like so your own template is further damaged. Its certainly not the relationship you are currently in.

It takes two to make a relationship work and you've been really carrying this as well as him on your own so the "sunken costs fallacy" springs to mind as well.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be

Very sorry you are in this place, OP, and absolutely understand how hard this will be for you. But as you know yourself, nowhere as hard as being stuck in this situation for life.

If he is like this with the stress of a wedding, what do you think he would be like longterm:

if you have a baby who screams all night?

if you have any difficulties during the pregnancy (I was hospitalised in both of mine and both dc born pre-term)?

if the baby is born disabled or with learning difficulties?

when the baby gets old enough to be disruptive or rebellious?

Or if you don't have a child together, what do you think he will be like:

when he starts to feel old age approaching?

when one of you has a serious illness (as most people do, sooner or later)?

tryhard,

re your comment:-
"But then he says he knows it's not fair that he's taken that attitude and he's really sorry".

They all say sorry; its part of their script. He is really not sorry in the slightest, after all his stuff is not damaged. I would think he is really showing you no real remorse at all. Words are cheap OP, look at his actions both past and present.

"I feel like I've gone wrong with wedding planning and somehow messed it up. I just wanted a nice day for us".

Again you are blaming your own self here for something he did of his own free will. You likely blame yourself all the time for the failings of others, this is part of wanting to be a rescuer as well. He wanted to hurt you via destroying your coffee table; those are not the actions of a loving man. His behaviours towards you are all to do with him, the wedding planning has nothing whatsoever to do with this.

I think you might struggle to remove him from you life. It's pretty cushty for him, you need a plan before you have the conversation with him and a safe place to go.

If this is really the only problem and he really is a goid respectful man the rest of time, cancel the wedding, get him to move out and tell him to have counselling and anger management. It helped you to control your temper so he may be able to do it. If he does this then maybe think about giving him another chance but don't marry him, watch out for red flags and dump him at the very first sign. Be wary that he just doesn't learn to hide it better.
Or just draw a line under it and move on rather than drag out the removal of the sticking plaster.

counselling will help him for future relationships even if it's too late for yours.

It's my flat, so he will be the one moving out.

Atila I do blame myself for others behaviour and I'm blaming myself now. I feel like I've driven him to this by my own behaviour. Perhaps I am really controlling and perhaps I do feel like he should be greatful to me for everything I've done for him. I know that's not right either.

But all I wanted was a happy home. I've not done anything out of anything other than good intentions.

I'm driving myself crazy here.

It wasn't really counselling that helped me with my temper either. I just realised very quickly that I didn't want to treat him like that and stopped. Whereas he's carried on. He says I taught him that it's a thing you can do? So pretty much saying I planted the seed in his head.

He says that when we argue. When he calms down he says he realises it's not acceptable and it's his fault not mine.

I think you are better of just forgetting him op. It's not a healthy dynamic and he's not really going to change is he?

And is he only happy the rest of the time because you fall into line normally? Does he react like this every time you slightly challenge him?

He says
He says
He says...

What does he do? apart from fuck all housework, take no interest in the wedding, and destroy your belongings in rage

Not at all dowhatnow He's not sulky or controlling in the least. I never have to fall in line.

But when we argue now he's really quick to lose his temper. Barely five minutes in and he'll be banging doors, slamming things etc.

It's hard to explain the dynamic. I'm the leader in nearly everything (because he's usually far too laid back) Perhaps these sudden tempers are his way of getting control back? I only take control though because he never does though ffs!

God Tempus you're so right.

It's just reminded me of my last relationship when a good friend told me all I ever said was "he says this, he says that"

Christ

It's so easy to get suckered in by these men. They say all the right things, pay compliments, little "thoughtful" gifts, seem proud to be seen with you, cute texts, you're so beautiful, lots of I love yous, doing household jobs that reinforce "manly" status. But anything that requires actual effort or small sacrifice from themselves (e.g cooking, housework, admin, getting involved in plans etc) and they don't want to know.

Lightbulb moment ?

It's hard when things aren't how you thought they were

The truth really does hurt

But it will hurt less than a fist the next time he loses his temper

He is content with smashing furniture at the moment. What happens when this isn't enough and he turns his attention to you?

Don't be his punching bag. You're better than that

Keep the housing association tenancy in your name and cancel (or postpone) the wedding. He does not sound like the right man for you.