I shouldn't marry him should I?

[Tryhardfailbetter]

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

I married one of these.

I'm now divorcing.

Don't. Do. It.

He may be depressed - get him to the GP to make sure. Depression (I was on antidepressants for years) does not make you violent.

And yes, they can 'change' very quickly. My ex went from Prince Charming to his 'real' abusive narcissistic self literally in a matter of minutes when I was 4 months pregnant. One minute he was the nice, lovely man I'd fallen for, and a minute later he started mentally and emotionally abusing me. And never stopped. And nobody believed me because he's 'such a nice guy! .

I would advise having some time apart, putting the wedding plans on the backburner for now, and have him seek help. If he refuses, then I wouldn't go back to him. If he won't help himself, then there's nothing you can do, except remove yourself from danger.

Because the alternative is admitting that yet again I've failed happypoobum

I was literally almost insane with loneliness and unhappiness when we got together. I'd nearly been broken by a previous relationship.

I thought I had no future. Our relationship has given me a future and I finally thought I could finally have the things other people have.

I'll make him leave because I know I have too, but I'm not entertaining any ideas of how I'll be better afterwards etc because it's all bollocks. I've struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, self harm. This is going to break me and I'm not going to lie to myself that it won't.

I fucking hate him for doing this to me.

No, you don't 'get him to the GP' or supervise 'help' for him. He is an ADULT. And if he's not smashing up stuff anywhere else but at home, then he knows damn well what he's doing.

You need to save yourself here, OP.

Another relationship is the least of your problems. You need to do some serious work on yourself and why you are a rescuer.

In a word, no.

He's escalating - you've already said that you cannot have an argument without him hitting or banging things and him telling you that you are responsible for 'making' him do things. How long do you think it will take before he starts hitting you?

He needs to move out. If he's genuinely interested in trying to change then he needs to find somewhere else to live, postpone the wedding and go for anger management classes.

I suspect though that changing will be far too much effort for someone who seems to be increasingly comfortable with being violent during arguments.

I'd wager that he is lovely, sweet and gentle all the while you are knocking yourself out looking after him, doing all the housework, wedding planning, life admin... But as soon as you start to involve him, ask his opinion, request a bit of help with it all, he 'disconnects'. And now that he has diconnected by throwing your stuff and breaking it, you will never ask him again for help.

Job done, in his eyes. Sit back, nice life!

Woman, know your place and don't ask the 'man' for anything. Be grateful that he is there.

Fffs. Get rid.

Please don't marry him. Punching walls and throwing furniture is just the strt.
My ex punched a wall the first proper argument we had. I thought I probably had antagonised him a bit, chatted to that guy for a bit too long. He only did it because he was passionate.
Give it 18 months and we had two holes in our sitting room wall and one in the bedroom, right above the headboard, where he'd punched that instead of me. That was just what you could see, all kinds of others items had been smashed and wrecked. I thought I needed to stop doing what it was that was making him angry, whatever it was that day, at least he didn't hit me, he'd never hit me.
Two months later, he grabbed my hair and pulled me backwards. Yea, but he didn't hit me. He probably meant to grab my top.
One month after that, he bruised my arms when he grabbed me. Yea, but he didn't hit me. He just wanted me to listen and I did walk away.

About one month after that, he did hit me. Punched me in the chest, completely winded me. Okay but I argued with him and I was really drunk and he probably just lashed out and he'd had a few to drink and I'm sure he didn't mean to.
One week later, he smacked me in the face.

That's not even the half of it sadly but it gives you an idea. It escalates. You have the chance to stop that. Please take it

How have YOU failed exactly? Listen to yourself!

ptumbi I hear what you're saying but that's not really the pattern.

It's more that he does take an interest/do things around house etc, but then he slips back into not doing it. Then I have to get really angry for him to start doing it again. Then it slips back into the pattern before.

Only now he's started breaking my bloody stuff. Oh Christ. It's so bloody classic. I'm ashamed of how stupid I've been even while I'm typing this stuff.

Don't seek help for him, that's his job.

Seek help for yourself - GP, counselling etc.

You are not stupid and nor are the countless women who find themselves in the same situation with countless men across the world. You are not stupid at all.
It's the hardest thing in the world to admit what's going on and actually do something about it. You don't deserve any of this.

Because I'm failing to make my relationship work Treadsoftly

All I ever wanted was a home and a family of my own. Literally all I've ever wanted. I feel absolutely sick.

You shouldn't have to get angry.

A lovely man would want to help and support you.

Both people in the relationship have to make it work.

I've had counselling Happyinthehills I've had ADs. I've had the works.

I had to stop counselling six months ago because it didn't tie in with my work patterns. As I recall I spent most of my time singing DPs praises to my counsellor

You're not failing.

Marrying and having DC with an abusive man would be a really bad idea: if he handles work/wedding stress like this he is very unlikely to handle the pressures of DC well, and his abuse is likely to get worse.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

You can do this

Don't lose hope that there is someone there for you

My DM met the love of her life at 73, online dating - there's still a lot of time for you

He takes an interest? Then 'slips back'? He is NOT taking an interest - he is appeasing you, for a few days. Throwing you a few crumbs to make you think he is a great guy. But the days he 'takes an interest' will get fewer and fewer, and then, someday, he will throw something else, to make the point that he is 'stressed', and you shouldn't be asking him stuff and 'getting in his face' even if you aren't. . And to STFU.

Again, job done.

Want to live like this - looking after a 'man' who is just going to sit back and let you, and if you even think about asking for help, he'll show his true colours? And it'll be your fault???

I am failing Dozer

There will be no DC for me now anyway and it's all I've ever wanted.

I don't deserve this. I'm a decent person. All my work involves helping vulnerable people, I'd do anything for my friends, I've done so much to help dp.

It all means nothing.

As PPs have said your DM is not your friend in this.

There's no one for me ScarletFever I don't get the things I want.

I thought I was getting them now, but I've just been blind and irredeemably stupid.

Why is it your responsibilty to make the relationship work? Why is it your failure?

It's his failure to be a decent human being, one that you want to be with.

Why is it always the woman's job to just suck it up and work at relationships? (Answer - it fucking isn't!)

Leaving bad relationships is not failing. It's brave, and good self care.

Really, really sorry you'd like DC and that this is looking unlikely.

you don't know for sure what the future might bring. But this man clearly does not offer a good future: he manages everyday relationship issues by being abusive.

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is good.

I told DM when we were wedding dress shopping that his temper was getting worse.

She wants gc though and she knows I'm nearly past it. She even suggested I just use him for his sperm. Ironically his swimmers don't swim properly anyway. I don't even have that!

I doubt you've been stupid. It's normal to see the best in our loved ones, I bet every single MNer has exes in her history she thinks 'wtf' about. God knows I have an army of them. Personally I think it's a victory, not a failure, when women decide that a crap man isn't better then no man. Loads and loads of women are single either through choice or circumstance, it's completely normal and barely draws remark from others, assuming 'others' aren't your wedding obsessed mum.