I shouldn't marry him should I?

[Tryhardfailbetter]

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

I just don't understand it because he is NOT this sort of person

You cannot unring a bell.

He bloody well is not "sweet and gentle"

Sweet and gentle don't lash out in rages and break things

Sweet and gentle doesn't blame you for "making him do it"

Sweet and gentle talks things through instead of losing his temper

this sweet, gentle man is showing you who he really is. someone who gets violent and blames it on you. yesterday it was the coffee table, when you're feeling much more trapped in your marriage it will probably be you. the sweet, gentle part is a front, his mask that he puts on for the world. fortunately he's letting it slip before your wedding so you can get out relatively unscathed.

do it now. kick him out. the consequences are much smaller now. they grow bigger with every passing day.

There won't be any children for me and definitely not if we split up. We both have fertility issues and I'm running out of time anyway.

That will be it for me if we split. I've never had a relationship that didn't end up here. I really thought I'd gotten it right this time.

Dm says it's my fault because I do too much for them. I feel like my partners end up resenting me and I don't know why. I've only ever tried to make his life better. I know that sounds pathetic

I don't think this has anything to do with depression. Depressives aren't normally overtly angry or violent.

He is using disconnected in the context of his aggression and that would worry me, a lot.

Do you love him? Can you imagine life without him? Has he ever hurt you?
Throwing stuff about during an argument isn't out of the ordinary but if he is hurting you, then that is a different matter.

Attila His parents divorced when he was five. His dm is a useless mother who kicked him out when he was seventeen. His df is just as absent and useless. He had a truly shitty upbringing.

You know you must end this toxic relationship. I'm bad tempered too but I would never 'get in someone's face' or do anything physical except maybe thump a cushion which is harmless.
One day it'll be more than a coffee table leg which is broken. At the moment it is only your heart and pride because of all the time and effort you've invested in this but you must, must, must get out now.

Let yourself heal and learn to be self-sufficient, one day a new and better man may come along and if he doesn't at least you'll have a better life than this. Good luck.

How many of us ignored the signs that our man was abusive before getting married, kidding ourselves that he wasn't really like that, he could change, if only all the conditions were right he would be sweet all the time, we wind him up etc etc
If I could have had someone open my eyes before taking the step of marriage I would kiss them.
If you marry him he will have rights over your home. If you want him out in future you will have to take him to court.
If you have children with him you will be managing their contact with a violent aggressive father until they are adults. It will damage them and wear you down.
Please open your eyes. This Is Who He Is.

He didn't say he was disconnected about the violence. It was about the wedding and other things. For example we need things for flat and he says he can spend a lot of time thinking about how we need a new fridge, but then not take any practical steps to make it happen. He couldn't really explain it to be honest.

He needs to leave. I'm doing him no favours letting him stay. I'm just enabling him.

Forget about the wedding.

There will always be something that's causing stress in your life.

Even if it is that you 'make him do it' (which is bollocks) then the obvious conclusion is that you two are not a good fit for each other. If he can't control his temper when faced with someone who irritates him, he needs someone who will never irritate him regardless of how stressful or complex life gets. That's not you.

But really, it's not that you make him do it, it's that his response to being annoyed is to lash out in violence. And it's getting worse.

You have no children, you aren't married, this is the perfect time to call it a day. Cancel the wedding. (Any money lost will be less than a divorce will cost.) Either move out or ask him to move out.

Walk away while it's just the stuff you value he's smashing, rather than your body.

it's a mistake to try to mother people. if you keep things on an even keel no-one feels indebted / resentful / infantilised.

Sounds like you are the rescuer/compulsive caregiver type and he is the victim.
He never had proper care from his mum so he can't accept it from you. He wants more and more from you but it's never enough, because you can't fill the gap left by his neglectful parents. He will resent and hate you because whatever you do it's not enough, while you run yourself ragged trying to fill the void he has.
It's a fairly common dynamic tbh.

I married a man like this and went on to have 2 DC with him. It didn't end well. I excused a lot of things because of his depression. Wish I had sought advice on MN back then.
Get him out and don't look back.

Ask him to leave OP. this kind of thing doesn't get better, especially when he's basically telling you he doesn't feel like it's his responsibility to take any practical steps to resolve issues!

My ex was the sweetest, most kind person in the world to other people. He was abusive behind closed doors. He started with storming out when angry, then throwing things, then it was punching doors. It didn't really take long to become shoving me out of the way to pushing me to the floor to full on hits / kicks.
And it was years later that I realised how terrifyingly in control he must have been because he held his temper perfectly when people out in the world annoyed him. He chose to do those things to me, as your partner is doing to you.
He hates his job, but does he shout / throw things around other people? No? Then he's in control of his actions and making a choice to be like this in your home.

Try I think you know the answer to the question, and many posters have agreed that he should go.

I'm sure you have sunk a huge amount of time, money and emotion into this man, but as people have said, it will only get worse.

Please do everything you can to remove this man from your life. If you have to live apart, while you both sort your lives out, so be it, but I think you may find there are FAR better men out there.

You ask what you should do - number 1 on that list is look after yourself.

IF he is depressed HE will need to engage with treatment so he should sort that out. You can't make him do it.

As PP have said you should separate from him and look after yourself.

Maybe, just maybe, he does want to make things better. If so HE can seek treatment for any MH issues and for his obvious anger issues. Then you could, as a couple, plan your future together, including a wedding that you can both look forward to.

I never feel like he wants more and more Gallavich He's never really demanding, critical etc. If anything he's usually the most loving and affectionate man I've ever been with.

But I do feel like he resents me now. He says he doesn't, but I'm not stupid and I can tell.

I feel like a total idiot right now. I love him so much. I just can't believe we've ended up here.

He begged me last night not to call wedding off, but how can I not? I have a horrible feeling other people will tell me not too as well. Not least my dm who is secretly thrilled her daughter is about to be released from eternal spinsterhood.

Please get your hands on a copy of Co-dependent No More op. Think it will open your eyes.

ACloudCoosHi* I have zero hope of finding a better man if we split. It just never happens for me and it will take me years to get over this.

I feel like giving up entirely. I don't fucking deserve this. I'm so pathetic.

If you marry him you'll raise the stakes and it'll be vastly harder to end this abusive relationship. Literally no man in known history has meaningfully changed after their wedding day, despite women's apparent faith that a wedding ring fixes relationship problems.

You keep saying he is not like this but that's obviously untrue - why do you keep lying to yourself?

He may have been nice in the past but maybe that was the false him and now the mask has slipped - he can't keep up the pretence any more, or he thinks he doesn't have to. Now you are seeing the real him. This man who is aggressive and violent is the real him.

He has to leave or you risk becoming another statistic.

I totally agree with everything attila and expat have said. Actions speak louder than words. Him saying he wants to marry you means sweet FA when he's breaking your things and getting up in your face. None of this is your fault and do not blame his mental health.

By the way calling off a wedding is fine. Our good friend did it, not because of abuse but because he realised he wasn't fully committed. He got nothing but support and understanding. What kind of person would want another person to get married when they no longer wanted to? Your mother will change her tune when you explain your reasons. Even if you don't want to share your reasons, if she doesn't put your happiness before her desire for a big day then you can disregard her input. She's not your friend.

An abusive man is better than no man? That's simply rubbish, utter nonsense.

Your mother would rather you marry an abusive shit than not marry? More nonsense.