I shouldn't marry him should I?

[Tryhardfailbetter]

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

No you shouldn't marry him. Arguments about the wedding are completely normal. Throwing furniture, etc is not. I think at the very least you need to have some time apart and postpone the wedding. I know it must seem very hard to do, but it will be so much harder a few years down the line once the violence has escalated more, and there are potentially children involved.

I've already had help. I've been for counselling etc. I don't lose my temper like I used to when we argue now. I quickly realised it wasn't OK and I stopped.

What else can I do regarding his depression? Should I make him go to go?

He says he wants to marry me. He's just not into the wedding as much as I am. He'd have been happy to elope.

Perhaps the pressure is too much, but fucks sake. I'm not asking for the world and I try so sodding hard to give us both a nice life. Was it too much to want a nice wedding day in return?

My beautiful invites just came this morning too. Oh the irony.

'I've helped him get on a waiting list for counselling already. He needs to find another job, but he's really bad at doing application forms etc. I know it won't happen until I do it (I applied for his last two jobs for him) and why the hell should I? Nobody is helping me find a new bloody job!'

EXACTLY!

Stop enabling him and enable yourself.

Ah I'm so sorry. I can't go into details but all I can say is I know of someone where something similar happened in the months before they married, she said to me if I marry him now knowing this I only have myself to blame when things go wrong. They did marry and are still together BUT anger (not violence) is a daily presence in their lives. So on that basis I'd say do what jmh740 says. Good luck.

You can't do anything. He's an adult. If he wanted the change his behaviour, he would but he doesn't.

And what expat said.

Does this 'depression' manifest itself in violent behaviour and where else in his life? He's not depressed, he's violent

LTB before he has you trapped with a marriage and pregnancy

He could very well be depressed yes, but it doesn't give him an excuse to be aggressive

'What else can I do regarding his depression? Should I make him go to go?'

Nothing! He's an adult, he needs to own it.

It will escalate. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy and continue with the wedding plans. Have a period of separation and take stock.

I've been there and my advice would be to get out now.

You are not compatible. The DV is a separate matter. However you are not compatible.

I'm exiting nowhere. This is my flat (housing association) and he moved in with me. The only person exiting will be him.

I just don't understand it because he is NOT this sort of person. He's so sweet and gentle. I don't know where it has come from.

I thought I'd finally found a good person and now it's all falling down around me.

There is a danger it will get worse after you get married, he then "has" you for good and his behaviour will escalate. It happens often, believe me. You're right - you should not marry him. He is abusive.

Marriage is hard, kids are hard, parents getting old and needing care is hard. The next 40 years will throw all kinds of shit at you.

This is supposed to be the fun time. If he can't cope with planning a wedding and your relationship is crumbling now how you going to manage when the real shit hits the fan.

Get out now. They don't change. They get worse. They boil the frog. They take you over. They damage the kids you have. They don't change. They don't change. They don't change.

He's not sweet and gentle if you're doing all the housework and life organising though is he? Words are cheap. His actions show he thinks you're beneath him and need to run around after him, even when he's not throwing furniture.

He's controlling you. Get out.

This is domestic violence; I note as well he broke what is regarded as your coffee table and he is getting up in your face. He is also giving you one of the usual speeches that inherently violent men come out with i.e. you made him do it. No you did not.

Call the wedding off and separate entirely from him now; this is a situation that is not going to at all improve particularly after marriage.

I presume that this man can control himself properly at work and around his and or your family so this is not itself an anger management issue. If batterers were unable to control their anger, they would be abusive with everyone, including their bosses, friends and neighbors. This is rarely the case. Part of the performance of domestic abuse is everyone outside of the home believes their facade of being a nice person. You don’t really know who they are because they don’t want you to know them.

If batterers were unable to control their anger, they would not be strategic in their physical abuse. If they do not want their partner/victim to go out in public, they will beat them in the face, where they have difficulty covering the bruising. If batterers want to maintain their image in their community, they will cause bruises that their partner/victim can cover with clothing.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 will also talk this through with you.

Abusers tend to start their, er, routines once you're married or pregnant. Because it's more difficult for you to get out. DP has indeed started his.

Bin him, now. The HA may well help you get rid, a lot of them won't put up with violent men and women. Yes, it's awful for you, but a lot less awful than waking up with his hands round your neck in six months. Or not waking up.

'I just don't understand it because he is NOT this sort of person. He's so sweet and gentle. I don't know where it has come from. '

Yes, he is. This is the type of person he is. If abusers were monsters from the get-go, no one would go out with them. He's following an almost classic script. Sweet and gentle, then move in, then plan to marry and the violence steps up. Here's how it goes: it will get worse after marriage and during pregnancy and children.

He will see any sort of work connected with life as your job because 'he works'.

You are already second-guessing yourself (the violence is your fault. You used to 'get up in his face' so you had counselling to stop it, but he does it to you), so his gaslighting is working.

Wake up! He needs to leave.

Do the Freedom Programme. Download 'Living with The Dominator' and 'Why Does He Do That?'

Unless he's got an identical who switches places with him, he is this type of person, OP.

It might seem horrible cancelling a wedding in which you have invested so much and have looked forward to and dreamt of, but it is honestly not worth going through with it for years of hell afterwards.

Oh and the stress of planning a wedding is NOTHING compared to a difficult pregnancy, birth, an ill child.

Is he going to have you scrubbing the floors two days post c section? Griping at you about housework because 'you're home all day' when you haven't slept because your baby is poorly?

The signs are all there.

And what Attila said, with bells on. He is only behaving this way with you.

How is it going to improve? It's not is it.

I think you have got in a cycle of arguing and losing tempers and he is not going to be able to rein it back in.

'I just don't understand it because he is NOT this sort of person. He's so sweet and gentle. I don't know where it has come from. '

I'd have a bloody good look at his parents; what do you know about this man's background and relationship history?.

He is inherently not sweet and gentle at all, particularly when he broke your coffee table. Note as well "his" things remained undamaged at that time. Abusers as well can be nice sometimes (this is how they hook unsuspecting people into their lives) but their "nice/nasty" cycle is a continuous one.

Men like this take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. I would certainly second Expat's recommendations re the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid along with the books.