I shouldn't marry him should I?

[Tryhardfailbetter]

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

Oh, OP, you sound so nice.

Perhaps these sudden tempers are his way of getting control back?

This man doesn't love you. He hates you. Once you realise that, everything else falls into place.

Oh, and as for 'life is not that black and white' - when it comes to violence it absolutely is. What would you do if a visitor to your home broken your precious possessions in a rage? Would you assume it was that person's clumsy way of showing their love and respect for you?

You're in a strong position with the flat being in your name. Will make things easier.

He is blaming you for his behaviour: big red flag.

I don't think he hates me. I don't really know what he thinks at the moment though.

He blames me when he's angry, which makes me more furious. He admits he's in the wrong when he calms down though.

He has no claim on the flat. He's not even on the bills. He might get a nasty shock if he ends up having to privately rent in London.

I very much doubt he hates you either. FWIW I monstered my ex and wish now I hadn't, it didn't do me any good and made me toxic and fearful myself for a long time.

The point is not that these people are monsters (except in rare and horrible cases), the point is it is possible for a person to be not evil, not hateful, not cackling away about all the ways in which they're going to "enjoy" abusing you, not all bad and still be abusive and not a good person to be with. All of which is exactly what you know and accept and are going to act on. I'm sorry, it really sucks.

You've summed it up really well there LilaoftheGreenwood

I'm assuming monstered is an autocorrect, but it's a very apt one.

It wasn't an autocorrect, but I see now I look it up I'm using it wrong! It's supposed to mean critical verbal attack, I meant more in the sense of I made this person out to myself to be a monster so that I could feel better. You got what I meant anyway!

Ah I see. I thought you meant you'd mothered him and turned him into a monster. That's what I feel I've done with my bf.

I still can't believe he broke the table tbh. I'm still in shock.

If you've spent part of your life so far helping vulnerable people op, it's hardly a fucked up waste of a life. It's a better use than most people make of theirs

Perhaps Daranger01 but it's gotten me absolutely nowhere and I just feel I help people and get nothing for myself. I tried to help dp and look where that's ended up.

Pity party there. Sorry.

I understand it's not easy to walk away from a dream, but you can see that it is really a nightmare unfortunately. You still have a long life left - children can be in your life without you biologically having them. Friends that have co-parented with abusive, depressed men like this have found it very tough as their exes reactions to normal parenting troubles were so odd. Being a lone parent or co parenting with an abusive ex is another sort of nightmare.

Sometimes by concentrating on helping others it stops you from sorting yourself out. It's a way of putting your head in the sand. If you can work out why you are so busy trying to fruitlessly help those who don't want to be helped you might find someone who would make a better life partner.

Personally I grew up with a Father who wasn't capable of showing me much love although deep down he does love me. I spent my childhood trying to make myself lovable to him, I tried impressing him, all pointless. I eventually realised this and thought fuck it, I don't care, I then adopted the same philosophy to my relationships and my DP is wonderful and loves the bones of me. I sometimes wonder if I had continued to give a shit what my Father thought I would have dragged that into my relationships? Who knows.

You didn't pick an evil man, you just picked one that isn't right for you and you rub each other up the wrong way. I felt like that with the ex that I nearly married, looking back I was trying to fit an octagon into the round hole and it didn't quite want to go. I think I nagged and shouted at him (because he never organised anything) more than I do my current husband, because we weren't quite on the same page, but not far off and I really wanted us to be. It doesn't excuse his behaviour at all though.

You might feel stupid and humiliated, like you've done it again, but you're wrong. It was 15 years ago for me, and I look back on that period as part of my life when I did something right, despite it hurting like hell and the fact that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Nobody will look down on you (Christ if they do get rid of them too!). It's just a bit public, that's all, but people will care.

*all he does is go to work and occasionally hoover and wash up

You say that he's not at all bossy and you don't have to toe the line. And yet somehow you have ended up doing all the wifework, 90% of the housework and cooking. You fill in his job applications. You organise all of the wedding which he says he wants.

And you say he doesn't pay towards the rent or the bills.

From here it looks like he's controlling you pretty well. I'm wondering if he's Mr Manupulative or Mr Passive aggressive .

What Kr1stina said (waves). He needs to be told to leave. He's got you on a lead so powerful you can't even see it. You need to get away from him because he's obviously done quite the number on you.

I'd have called the police on him after he went mental and smashed up my furniture. He's violent and blaming you for it. That's the definition of domestic abuse.

When will you tell him to leave? Is he likely to lose his temper? Who could be there with you? Will you pack his bags ready in advance? Change the locks?

Tryhradfailbetter When you're someone who needs a little bit of fixing it can be quite tempting to get into a relationship with someone who needs a bit of fixing too. You think they'll understand you, and that you fix each other and become better people together. But that rarely works in the long run. Sooner or later someone gets resentful about being expected to change, or someone gets resentful about the other one not being willing to change, and then it all starts falling apart.

It's clear from your description that you partner wants the kind of relationship that he doesn't have to put a lot into. He's happy to live with you, but only if he's not expected to contribute much domestically. He's happy to marry you, but only if it doesn't involve him having to do much.

Meanwhile you are trying to mold him into the kind of domesticated partner who can give you the family life that you crave. He is chaffing at this and it has revealed an angry abusive side to him. Now you are chastising yourself that if only you had behaved differently, if only you'd been better at fixing him, if only you'd tried to mold him in a different way this could have all worked out.

But he is a person, not a project. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and nor can you change someone who doesn't want to be changed. You have to find someone you can love for who they are, not for what you think you can make the become.

Run...now...quickly. Change the locks if you can.

Get help for your temper but don't accept blame for his.

This will, as everyone is saying, get worse.

I wish people would stop making assumptions and actually listen to you Tryharder. I don't think he is an evil abuser who needs to be thrown out. He is a human being with as many vulnerabilities as you do.

It sounds to me as though he has bottled up so many of his bad experiences and being with you has done two things. One is for you to have also had anger issues (which you've learned to control and which he hasn't yet) and to have given him a green light to also engage in aggressive arguing. You've seen it doesn't work he seems to be running downhill and unable to stop. Two is that he has opened up a can of emotional worms which he just isn't mentally equipped to deal with. He needs to get help alone and also at a later date with you if it is successful.

Definitely cancel the wedding it will take pressure off him and you and it's not the right thing now and maybe never,

I don't think he is an evil abuser who needs to be thrown out.

He gets up in her face when he's angry. He destroys her property. He is escalating the violence during rows. He blames her for 'making' him behave in this way. He's managed to offload 90% of all the lifework on her. He pays nothing.

But yeah, he's definitely worth keeping around so next time, when he's run out of her property to destroy, he'll go for her face.

She has already stated that she realised her behaviour was negative and sought out counselling and stopped it.

He, on the other hand, is escalating it.

Advising someone to stay in a violent relationship is always irresponsible.

Actually I think there's a lot of truth in what Olympiathequeen is saying. I don't think he can cope with everything at the minute. Not that I'm excusing him. I know his behaviour is disgraceful and he does too when he's calmed down.

NotDavidTennant
That's exactly how I feel actually. You've pretty much read my mind.

Some really helpful posts on here. Thank you

Just to repeat though...he pays half the bills and pays more than me towards shopping etc. Not sure why people are thinking he doesn't.

'Actually I think there's a lot of truth in what Olympiathequeen is saying.'

Of course you do! You're a classic part of a domestically abusive relationship. This script is classic, even the roles the two of you are playing. You'll carry on. I just hope next time he finds another piece of your property to destroy instead of your face.

You are going to let him stay, aren't you ?