tryhard,
re your comment:-
"I was literally almost insane with loneliness and unhappiness when we got together. I'd nearly been broken by a previous relationship.
I thought I had no future. Our relationship has given me a future and I finally thought I could finally have the things other people have.
I'll make him leave because I know I have too, but I'm not entertaining any ideas of how I'll be better afterwards etc because it's all bollocks. I've struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, self harm".
What are the roots of the depression, anxiety and self harm. I think you need to start thinking about when and where this all really started and pound to a penny this started in your own childhood.
I think you need to also consider what you learnt about relationships when growing up; what sort of an example did your own parents show you?.
You were targeted (I use that word deliberately) by this man because you were emotionally vulnerable and he could sense that a mile off. He saw something in you he can and indeed has exploited. Ex bfs likely treated you the same or similarly.
I also see that you are a very caring person and that without surprise your work involves helping vulnerable people. Also known as “Fixers” or “White Knights,” they come from diverse backgrounds, but they all have the desire or need to save others. These well-meaning people generally pursue careers in the helping professions, such as doctors, nurses, psychologists, teachers, or social workers.
You were taught from a young age to become co-dependent and a rescuer to others and I would think one or both of your parents taught you these characteristics.
You are playing the role of Rescuer if you:
Often help others without them asking you.
Don’t take the time to find out how you can help others, but instead help them in the way you believe they need helping.
Hope your rescuing actions will get others to admire you.
Struggle to focus on or complete your own work because you are too drained from running errands for others.
Don’t ask others for feedback when helping them.
Hate it when people reject your assistance and feel ecstatic when they accept it.
Feel totally powerless and worthless when you cannot help someone.
Cannot tolerate conflict and jump in to try and make matters right for others.
Help others primarily because it feels like the best way for you to gain positive attention.
Love your own self for a change. It is all too clear to me that you do not. Its not your fault he is abusive, it really is not. That is why I asked you about his own family of origin (and your response was very telling).
You can unlearn all the crap and dysfunction you have absorbed along the way but it will take a lot of work to do so. You can do this and you should do that for your own self.
BACP are very good and do not charge the earth; they should be able to fit in around your work patterns too.