I shouldn't marry him should I?

[Tryhardfailbetter]

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

I would tell my friend that she would be very unwise to marry under these circumstances.

I would tell her to cancel the wedding and to make him move out until/if he sorts himself out.

I would tell her she deserves to be happier than this.

Feeling disconnected is typical of depression and anxiety. I think the wedding plans on top of a dreadful job and long hours is just too much for him.

Also by you both 'allowing' bad temper and aggressive behaviour to enter a relationship you've both let the bad genie out of the bottle and it's so hard to get it back.

He needs to get urgent help for his anger and make a real focussed effort to get a new job.

It's very important you both understand and learn other ways to resolve conflict and have a clearer idea of what a relationship involves.

Yanbu. You need to postpone the wedding until this is sorted out.

Although I think my dm would be horrified if I told her about the table incident to be fair.

I know she worries about me, but she just wants me to finally have my happy ever after.

we were two broken people who found each other

Nah. Nothing as romantic as that, OP. He's just another inadequate, petulant, punchy little cock-end who likes having an unhappy woman to boss around. The world's full of them.

Do yourself a massive favour and kick him out.

I'd agree about the wedding plans stressing him if he'd actually helped me with anything. I've done it all single handed. That's why I was so angry yesterday.

Be your own friend.

You should be so proud of yourself for being so strong. Everything looks bleak but you aren't prepared to take a crap relationship because you are too scared to be on your own. That takes strength. Yes it will be hard but things can improve, although that seems difficult to believe right now.
You have self respect and won't allow yourself to be badly treated. You've got help and have managed to control your temper. That bodes well for your next relationship. Be proud of yourself.

He doesn't boss me around though. He's the least bossy person ever in day to day life.
That's why his escalating temper has blindsided me so much.

TryHarder

re your comment:-
"I'm already aware through the counselling I've had that my issues totally have their roots in my childhood. I've gone over my childhood until I am blue in the face to be honest"

That is why I asked you about your childhood, all this started back then. I can well imagine how dysfunctional that was and your mother is only thinking of her own self here. Do you think that the counselling you have received to date has got to the very heart of the matter (probably not particularly if you spend many sessions just singing his praises) and for you to start the process of healing your own self?. It seems to me that the counselling you have had was not what you still do need.

Re your comment:-
"All I ever wanted was a home and a family of my own. Literally all I've ever wanted. I feel absolutely sick".

That first bit is extremely telling, no-one ever gave you that did they?. The adults in your life let you down; no wonder you yearn for this.

You still think deep down that you do not deserve better hence this man being attracted to you; he sensed that and any desperation for a "home and proper family life" in you a mile off.

I sincerely hope you can get this individual out of your life asap and certainly before you have any more of your possessions, let alone your own self, further broken.

My feeling that he is one of those male partners who want to be looked after and they would be like an accessory when it suits them of course. Once you start asking them to invest some time into the house they start showing off their temper. He may want to get married but he is lazy to help you with organising it. You'll be the one doing everything and he will be sulking as he would rather not to. Perhaps he doesn't understand what marriage means. He didn't have a family really.

Hold on to the intelligent advice you would give your friend in this situation, OP. Cancelling a wedding is no fun (many years ago, I was the friend who had to do it on behalf of a bride who realised it would be disastrous to go ahead with a wedding she really didn't want), but this is not your 'happy ever after'. This is dangerous already, and escalating.

Stop trying to figure him out. It's a complete waste of your precious time. He's not your psychology homework; he's a violent arsehole.

I'm really feeling for you reading this, i know exactly where you are and I think you're bloody well allowed to be upset and be saying the things you have! I was 36 and remember the feeling of woe that I wouldn't have a family, that I wanted HIS baby. In reality I'd have been stuck with 20+ yrs of contact with Mr Wrong, and seeing the hassle my husband has gone through to keep contact with his son, I'm so glad I could cut contact with my ex and just walk away. I too had a wedding to cancel, the invites had gone out and everything. It was a humiliating time, but every single person was wonderful to me, I gained some lovely friends from that horrible time. And no, I never thought I'd ever bother trying again at relationships, that there was no point, I was hopeless etc, but after two or three years a friend introduced me to my now husband, he'd also been cheated on and was thoroughly fed up, and you know what, thirteen years on its fine. Turned out I couldn't have children, it was too late for tests when I met my husband, and while it makes me a bit sad, there are a lot of positives in my life that balance it out. If I'd really wanted a family, even without my husband there were sperm banks or adoption. This man is not the sole route to a baby (actually he's probably the worst route).

So do what you have to do, lick your wounds for as long as you need to. Wallow, lean on your friends. You deserve better than being screamed at and having your things thrown about and broken. I'd suggest going on the relationship board too, there are often people in this boat, even if you feel like the only person it's ever happened to. Hugs to you, you can get through this, it's just going to take some time.x

You haven't failed if you end this relationship - you have suceeded.
Suceeded in respecting yourself and looking after yourself.
Ending a relationship with someone who is acting badly toward you and showing red flags for abuse (though many would already this already abusive) is SUCCESS not failure.

Excuse my language but fk your friends, mum etc. who are glad you're finally not a spinster - fk them .. oh the horror! Of someone, esp. a woman, being on their own. More people than ever before are single long-term, having never married or being single after a marriage/relationship breakdown. I know men & women like this and if they are happy and enjoy their lives; who gives a fk. There is more to life & happiness than being in a couple.

And that is if being single longterm is what you choose - why would you not meet someone again? You're being fatalistic about that but there is no reason to be. I'll wager you're only late 30's, but it's 'all over' is it? Tell that to the women I know who met new partners in their 40's, 50's and beyond.

The children issue; there's fertility treatment, there's adoption, fostering, surrogacy ... there is no reason you couldn't have your own children up to 45 or later with a different future partner (whose swimmers are ok) and fertility treatment if necessary.

This is not your failure, it is his. And if you end the relationship it's due to you being sensible, self-preserving, self-respecting and knowing your deserve better in life, whether that's single or with a partner.

He managed to keep a lid on it all and behave nicely till he wormed his way into your property.

He does not behave like this around other people in the outside world, this is all saved for you instead. He does not have an anger management problem, such men hate women and all of them starting with his mother. You probably remind him of her in some ways.

Domestic abuse is not about an abusers inability to contain their anger but rather their deliberate use of anger to control their victim. If we choose to enrol an abuser onto an anger management course we simply give them additional controlling skills.

Sorry "many would say this is already abusive"

Ps, I wonder if the wedding, deep down, is causing all his anger, if he really doesn't want it but can't say? My ex cheated, he said he didn't know how to stop the wedding and tell me. There was one time my parents were splitting up and I wondered if we should postpone our wedding for a while, and he begged me not to - yet he was two months into his affair at that point. I think some men, however tough they seem on the exterior, are coward and can't say what they want. I think the not getting involved with the wedding is another indication of this (not many men are as interested as the bride, but to distance themselves is a flag to me - my ex did it too!)

Its nothing to do with the wedding; he is an inherently violent individual who is now showing the OP who he really is. Domestic abuse is not about an abusers inability to contain their anger but rather their deliberate use of anger to control their victim.

Please ignore all the SHIT ADVICE about staying with him or helping him!!

Get him the fuck out of your home,tell everyone what he's done and cancel the wedding and go NC!!

He will get worse,I was in an abusive marriage,I was only 16 when we started dating and 18 when we married there were warning signs before the marriage but nowhere near as bad as what you've experienced!

Belive me being hit by the man you love and who is supposed to love you is not the worst thing that can Happen being RAPED all the time is that and be murdered by the Bastard.

I got away before my ex managed to kill me but not before the years of Rape,that's 9 years of my life I can never get back!

Don't allow yourself to become a victim,end it all now before it gets worse,because believe me it will!

*Sorry for the self pity eddielizard

I guess I should be more positive while my whole life collapses around me.*

look, i sympathise, i really do. but sarcasm and self pity aren't your friends here.

you clearly have fantastic support from your mum and your friends. of course they want you to be happy. what they don't want is for you to pretend to be happy with a tosser who in reality makes your life a misery.

be honest with them, accept their support and get yourself some help.

lots of people are really trying to help you on this thread too. start listening.

You should not stay with this man. there are plenty of men out there who can control their tempers. If he cannot stop breaking coffee tables when he doesn't even have 3 small toddlers under his feet and night after night of unbroken sleep and massive childcare bills then he will not be able to cope when the burdens on the family are bigger with children.

If you aren't sure you could always just postpone the wedding say for 12 months on the basis you see how you feel (it is how you feel that matters) and if his behaviour has totally changed by then. Do a list of the main things he will need to change if he wants to stay living with you and if he wants to marry you.

End it. You didn't cause his escalating violence and you cannot fix it.

If you marry him you already know deep down it will get worse, not better. Don't do it to yourself. If you walk away now, the only failure is him and I would consider the outcome from your POV to be a success. Not saddling yourself with a violent man.

Thing is he could be having a break down.

Officially postpone the wedding tell him to move out and take responsibility for sorting out his MH.

His childhood issues will not be easily resolved and you need to understand each other better and both move into new roles of being equal responsible adults. In times of stress you have both shifted back to your childhood ones.

It's really difficult to change he has to want to do it for himself.

Sounds like you need to put the wedding on hold.

Just because all your previous relationships were a bit shit doesn't mean this one is good for you, even if you do feel it is slightly better most of the time.

I met my DH after separating from my abusive exH. When I went for counselling to deal with my past marriage the counsellor pulled me up pretty sharply when I was glowingly describing my new relationship in terms of comparisons with exH as in "he doesn't do this, he never does that" etc. TBH through luck rather than judgement my now DH is a good egg anyway but I was just so relieved to be away from my ex that I wasn't looking at my new relationship objectively. Likewise I'd stayed with my exH because he didn't physically hit me like my father used to.

You really need to judge this man on a stand alone basis and yes...he's violent and no good for you. Sweet and kind wouldn't be only when you're not challenging him to pull his weight. Sweet and kind would be doing more than his fair share of the housework and cooking let alone not destroying your belongings. I hope you do find the strength to separate from him before he destroys you.