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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone awake.. he's just left us

190 replies

Lf803 · 18/03/2017 03:12

Hey ladies... so after going out for 2 beers then arriving home at 1.30 and laughing to his mate that he couldn't get in he's just packed some bags left his wedding ring and gone!

OP posts:
firsttimemummy24 · 19/03/2017 09:14

Morning :)!

You are coping amazingly, he may not see it now but he will realise one day how stupid he was too loose you a d break up his family. From what you've written this is the best thing he could have possibly done for you all you can be happy now, it may not seem like it now but in time you will love ok back and be so grateful he left!

Xxx

firsttimemummy24 · 19/03/2017 09:15

Stupid phones auto correct look back *

Inertia · 19/03/2017 09:35

Please, please don't waste your time on hoping that he misses you. He only misses the coke, and he will only hurt when it has led him to rock bottom. You deserve to expend your energy on more rewarding things.

Even though things seem impossibly hard now, the worst thing that could happen is that he could come back. He is an abusive drug addict - he has destroyed your confidence and self-esteem, but your children now have a fighting chance.

Now is the time to gather evidence of his earnings. He is self-employed, he will almost certainly fiddle his accounts to try to avoid paying child maintenance. Try to find as much financial evidence as you can, and think about how your bank accounts work. Do you have money in accounts he can't access? He will almost certainly withdraw all the cash he can from joint accounts - you may need advice from your bank.

It's probably worth speaking with someone like a health visitor to note your concerns about how his excessive drug use could impact contact with the children, they might be able to advise you.

You might want to add additional locks for security.

You are awesome. You have supportive family around you.You and your children have a bright future without this junkie dragging you down.

kittybiscuits · 19/03/2017 09:50

You will probably feel like complete shit for at least a week or two. You will feel tempted to let him back and end the misery. But if you do that you will just be waiting for all the future times he treats you so disgustingly and all the future hurt and damage he will cause to you. You're doing brilliantly. You deserve this chance for a better future and to rebuild (build?) your confidence x

Lf803 · 19/03/2017 10:19

His sister just informed me he stayed out all night and has only just got back to his mums! Prick!

I'm getting sick of families opinions that I must let him see the children. I'll decide in my own time what I'm going to do thank you very much! Wtf is wrong with them!

Today is shite!!!!

OP posts:
Marcipex · 19/03/2017 10:31

There is some good advice in previous posts Lf.

Today, start being happy without him. Choose a film, treat yourself to your favourite snacks, bake some bread, plant some seeds with the children.
Show yourself how happy you can be in your new life.

Lf803 · 19/03/2017 10:37

Currently having a Disney binge with my babies! I think tea and an entire packet of biscuits is in order! Sad

OP posts:
MewlingQuim · 19/03/2017 10:41

I expect his mum will end up sick of him if he expects to act like that under her roof, she will have enough and chuck him out sooner or later.

Don't let him come back to you. You will be so much better off without that twat in your life.

I expect he will want little to do with the DC Sad his coke habit will always come first.

Stay strong Star

MrsDoylesTeabags · 19/03/2017 10:42

You're doing really well OP keep up the good work.
Everyone one I know who uses or used coke is a complete fucked up mess (see how he make everything all about him?). I know it doesn't feel like it now but hes done you a great favour by leaving, do let him come back.
Your life is going to be so much better without this waste of space hanging around and messing with your head

SandyY2K · 19/03/2017 11:51

Whilst he has every right to see his children, I would certainly be using his Coke habit, as a reason for him to have limited contact with them or supervised only access.

I wouldn't wave a person who takes drugs around my children and the fact that the person in question is their father, makes it worse.

He can decide whether he wants to take drugs or see his children, but he would be subject to regular drug tests before I allowed it visitation. It does not matter that he's only on drugs at the weekends.

I would stop taking calls from his family members as well.

Respond telling them you're busy and to send you a text message. That way you have evidence of what they say and I recommend doing the same with your DH.

Try and focus on you and your DC and push him aside if you can for a little bit.

It looks like he's taken advantage of your good nature for too long. He's used your condition to reduce your self esteem, instead of being supportive like a good husband would.

Take it day by day and most of all, believe in yourself.

Because you don't deserve the awful treatment he's dished out.

kittybiscuits · 19/03/2017 12:39

I'm sure his sister has good intentions but I don't think it's helpful for you to know about his all-night behaviour. His family will not want to be responsible for him and will ultimately want him back at home with you and the DCs, because they have his best interests at heart and not yours.

MadeForThis · 19/03/2017 13:01

I would try to get him to admit to his coke habit by text. Trick him into confirming it.

He hardly is interested in seeing his kids if he is out all night doing coke.

Lf803 · 19/03/2017 13:06

He's told his sister that he knows he's fucked because I will make him get tested before he can see the children. (His words) Not..I'm going to get clean I want to see them?! Basically he has chosen drugs over them. I don't know why I am so shocked but I just threw up!

I have texts where he admits he wants to take drugs he enjoys it!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 19/03/2017 13:07

There's no need to even think about contact until he respectfully approaches you to make arrangements for the benefit of the DCs. I would imagine it will be party time for him for a while now - you won't want your DCs anywhere near his coke binge.

JeffJarrett · 19/03/2017 13:22

Hi OP Smile Just popping my head in to say you're doing great. There will be loads of ups and downs and it will take many months to get to a stage where you don't give a shit about him. You'll wobble and doubt yourself and wish you had him back, but it won't last and you'll feel so much better every day.

Once you're on the other side you'll look back and wonder what the fuck you were thinking.

His family will stick up for him as they're cut from the same cloth and blood is thicker than water. Ignore them, they're morons.

You do seem like a lovely person and you absolutely deserve better than this. You and your DC will be so much happier without him. Hang in there and keep posting, there is a wealth of experience on here. So many of us have been where you are now and came out of it stronger and happier.

Lf803 · 19/03/2017 14:16

Thank you

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 19/03/2017 14:38

Whats your housing situation?

Are you on a shared tenancy/mortgage?

Lf803 · 19/03/2017 16:04

Shared tenancy- only moved into a bigger house in December.

OP posts:
ofudginghell · 19/03/2017 18:38

Good if he's realised his habit is not acceptable with his children.
I would tell his sister to stop messaging you updates.
You need a clear head and to focus on you and your dc not worrying what he's doing.
It's not fair on you or them.

Step back and let him willow in his own shit.
Not your circus,not your monkies as we say here on mn BiscuitBiscuitFlowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/03/2017 18:45

You need to approach your landlord about taking on the tenancy yourself so he cant just rock up expecting to walk back in, which legally he can do right now.

Also, he has to pay maintenance. He wont like it, and sadly being self employed means he can hide his income far easier than if he was in a job but if you can get hold of any paperwork proving his income thus far then that will help. Email him one chance to pay off his own bat, based on the CMS calculator, and then get straight onto CMS when he refuses.

Do you work? You are entitled to claim benefits on your own and if you claim tax credits then get on to them straight away with your new single income as your payments will increase and depending on the amount, you may be able to claim housing benefit and council tax benefit too. www.entitledto.co.uk will help you calculate everything.

I know it seems a lot to do but the last thing you need whilst dealing with his stupid behaviour is to be worrying about money or being unable to pay the rent.

Neverknowing · 19/03/2017 19:22

Don't understand why his family would want him to see the kids without getting clean. Clearly they're aiding his habit!!
You're doing so well. You're in control and you decide when he sees the children Smile

Lf803 · 19/03/2017 19:48

Thank you for all your advice.

His mum doesn't know about his drugs or the extent! His sister has told him she's ashamed of him and he needs help. His dad is to scared to say anything.

I've just seen a photo of him out last night on social media. So clearly off his face and one of his mates comments underneath it was Ket crew!!!! nice

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 19/03/2017 20:03

These are all good things. If he tries to see your DC before you're ready you have this as proof and if you need to call the police this will help. I know it sucks but you're doing so well Smile

jemimarose · 19/03/2017 20:06

Hi there, just caught up on your posts, you are sounding so together and determined. Hope you enjoyed the Disney fest, just finishing up homework here ready for tomorrow. Stay strong, you know you are completely in the right and putting your children first. Glad to know his family are aware of the situation.

My in laws, parents and bro In law and sister in laws completely put the blame on me - they have absolute no idea the hell their son put me through, or if they did choose to ignore it and ignore me.

Tomorrow is a day free of mistakes, a clean slate - make it positive!

Lf803 · 19/03/2017 20:37

I must admit I do feel different this time round he's been threatening to leave for so long but always comes back.
Don't get me wrong I feel sick it's hurting I keep crying but I feel calm. I don't want to feel like he makes me feel anymore and I know I've been in denial about how acceptable his habit is and it's not acceptable.

OP posts:
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