Anyone awake.. he's just left us

[Lf803]

Hey ladies... so after going out for 2 beers then arriving home at 1.30 and laughing to his mate that he couldn't get in he's just packed some bags left his wedding ring and gone!

whatisgoingon1

I'm totally disgusted by his behaviour. He says everyone is doing it and it's socially acceptable now. He wants to have sex when he has taken it and it makes me feel disgusting. It's not loving sex it's rough and controlling. My own husband only wanted to have sex with me when he was off his face. He said I'm boring if I refused.

Try not to hear anything he says, because it is complete rubbish, especially when you add some chemical distortion to his already dark personality.

You sound a complete sweetheart and I'm sure that you will feel so much better, very soon. Let him say what he likes. He will want validation from all around him that this split isn't his responsibility - that he isn't unviable as a husband and dad and has left you all - but rather that you, personally, have made the marriage untenable. (By doing what? Everything he says? Not going out? Being there for everyone? Having your (plural) kids?? ... just pure nonsense.)

It will be particularly important to him that people who might be presumed to be inclined to be on your side - such as your mum - will instead say that yes, he is right - that he isn't bad - that it's all your fault.

TBH let the daft bugger say whatever he wants and needs to. The main thing is, it doesn't matter what he says, and you are going to be free of him. The main thing is setting up your independence, away from him. Hopefully he'll go on a long trip to Thailand or some such. You could even encourage him to go away for a while. Get your mum to suggest it. To say he deserves a break and really should get away and clear his head, and of course she understands him (yeah).

Just be glad, so glad, that he's gone. Hope he really has. Don't let him back. You don't need him. You'll be fine. Really you will. xxxx

And you only don't have lots of girly friends to come round because of him. They'll soon reappear, now he's gone. xxxx

He told your mum that this morning? I hope your mum told him what a cunt he is. He's a real nasty piece of work. He's done a number on you to automatically accept all this shit and take the blame for it too, but stop it now. I know it seems massive now but you can have your headspace back and be free of all this.

It's not right and it's not fair on you or your children to live with someone like this. I can't imagine the general atmosphere is good with him stomping around in a post drug fuelled state, lamenting you and his kids. He can't be that good of a father if he's pissing the family money away on coke and lamenting you getting pregnant.

Think about all this. Let it all sink in. Take baby steps if you need to, but prepare yourself mentally. Be strong, get mad. Stop blaming yourself and start realising he's a prick and give him the freedom he thinks he wants. You'll be well shut. Think of your kids growing up and seeing you treated like this. Thinking it's normal and ending up being treated like that themselves on day.

Do you have any family to support you?

He is not worth your tears or your pain. He has actually done you a massive favour as you will be much better off without him. Living with a selfish spiteful and nasty individual is much worse than being on your own with your children without the drama and stress. He has made it very plain that he doesn't love you nor even treat you with the respect that every person deserves. This is his issue not yours, you are not the person lacking in empathy or love, he is. As others have said keep your key in the lock, do. It let him back in even if he tries and call the police if he kicks off, oh and it really doesn't matter what other people think, relationships break down every day. Concentrate on your children and look after yourself.

Thank you all for being so lovely. I feel like I have alot of new friends.

We are all here for you lovely. Sending you all the strength possible. Good luck. Xxxx

You are so well rid of him. Don't let him back whatever you do. You will get everything sorted, and be able to live in peace with your children.

You're worth so much more.

He is vile OP!

You really should have kicked him to the curb long ago! Although I can understand it's hard with children especially if they are too young to realise what a dick he is yet, and I do mean YET. They will realise what a abusive coke head he is eventually which is really sad for them but you need to give up them a secure safe home they can cling to when daddy's off his face. To do that you need to be strong and start living your life with the absolute bare minimum of contact with coke head husband. Make your home a safe haven and don't allow him in. He can arrange contact at a contact centre or with trusted relatives.

You need to know none of this is your fault. He is just vile and the drugs have only magnified his shit qualities.

Eventually you will see he has done you a massive favour. You will move on and find a happier place without him! You are worth so much more than what he was giving you.

If I was your Mum I would have given him a monster tongue lashing and told him never to show his face again. He's not the person you got together with but this is who he is now. He's a lowlife cunt. Please draw a line and don't accept any more this disgusting behaviour.

I agree with nearly all the posts here, except for the ones saying that could take him back if he went into rehab.

Hopefully he will someday go into rehab, but I personally wouldn't give someone like that another chance.

As someone else said the buds are on the trees and the days are getting longer, a good time for a rebirth, OP.

Don't feel disappointed for your dc.
Feel proud that you are removing them from a toxic person and situation.

If it's that bad now what will happen next time he decides to go on a bender?

Now is your perfect opportunity to build yourself up and be a strong person and mum.
You will not regret it.
I can't say the same if you stay.

You only get one chance at life to make it how you choose. Don't let him drag you down anymore x

Lf803,

I'm so sorry this abusive man has hurt you. Hurt you with his abusive behaviour while you were married, and now in the way he is leaving.

On the bright side, you no longer have to put up with his negative, controlling drug fuelled carrying on.

I hope you get a chance for a nap today! My eyes are on stalks as well, today!

Lf - I think our paths have crossed on other threads. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Your husband sounds so very much like mine. Must be the 'coke head' in them. I won't be surprised if he's come back grovelling today.

I left mine over 3 weeks ago now and every day is a battle to rationalise how unhappy he has made me and our children against years of dreaming about the life he promises us. It's emotional abuse.

Nothing will change.

I'm finding counselling to be a God send so I'd recommend doing that asap. As well as calling women's aid who are amazing.

Have a read up about NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is my husband. You may find it is yours too....the hardest thing to accept is that it can't be fixed.

Sorry you're going through this. What's wrong with these men!!

Thank you again everyone I can't say it enough.

I am by no way making excuses for him but he only does coke on a weekend ( not that that makes a blind bit of difference) do you think that still makes him an addict?
I've heard from him but only to back up his behaviour. That he's not happy that's why he behaves like it and that I need to be amicable and he had the cheek to say to me that everything will work out for the better like he's now doing me a favour. I think he's trying to justify his actions to himself. He's such a head fuck!

I would think from his behaviour it is a lot more often than just weekends....and the addict question does it really matter?
It impacts on you and your children.....therefore it's a problem in a family...I can't think of much worse around my children than a coke head ...never met one that wasn't an arsehole....
I don't really think every weekend is the norm that's bollocks

Please be glad he's gone .....your children's life has massively improved... And yours trust me ....and if anyone asks tell them you kicked him out because he's a coke head..... Trust me he will not be seen as cool.... Do not keep this secret....it's not your problem

Why is he having that conversation with your DM? Surely she should be telling to go to fuck

Op you should agree with him, he has done you a massive favour! He is abusive and you deserve so much more than you're currently getting.

If he is using coke just at weekends, he may not, yet, be addicted to it, but before long he will need more cocaine to get the same buzz, become dependent on that high to "have a good time" (prick), and the start using it on a Monday morning, as the come down after a cocaine bender is miserable. Before long, he's using it every day. No one becomes an addict overnight.

Oh, and it's not socially acceptable, and "everyone" isn't using it. Most of us manage to have a good time without the use of narcotics and mind altering drugs.

Finally, most people who use drugs are fucking boring, which is why they have to use it. Fact.

He did do you a favour when he left. You are well rid. You'll make friends when he isn't scaring them all away.

I don't know the technical definition of an addict, but I know a bullying two-faced manipulator when I see one. I learnt the hard way.
Have you changed the locks?

My mum mum got angry and txt him telling him he was a bully, I think she's held it in so long watching from afar and I guess she snapped. He then txt her back blaming me and it went from there. I think she was trying to make him see but he won't see because he thinks he's right.

I've told him time again that someone will tell his dcs in the playground that their dads a coke head ( the old my dad knows your dad situation) but he doesn't care!

I haven't changed the locks but I've told him I have. He called me ridiculous then put in brackets (sorry was that abusive!)

I am not looking forward to tonight when the babie are in bed! I must NOT text him and it's going to be hard.

If not doing coke makes me boring then sign me up to borings anonymous! It's a filthy dirty drug I can't stand it.

All addicts care about is their addiction, it comes above all else.

Its like an affair but with a substance instead of a person, he is obsessed with it and is rewriting his history with you to justify his use of cocaine. In his head it cant possibly be that he is an out of control addict (and yes, he is an addict) because he isnt a junkie ffs! No, it must be that you drove him to use it, that must be it.

He is probably suffering from the delusion that junkies are street living beggars who steal to fund a habit, who dont work or have normal lives. When the truth is that there are more addicts living "nice" lives, just about managing to get away with it, until everything comes crashing down.

Sadly its often not until they hit rock bottom, having lost jobs, homes, families etc that they realise. This is step one of reaching rock bottom, rejecting family in favour of the drug.

There are the three C's that you need to remember. You didnt Cause this, you cannot Control this and you cannot Cure this. All of that is on him and you must protect you and your children by staying away from him.

Can I gently suggest you don't contact him or accept any of his calls for now. You need to give yourself sometime to heal a bit and get over the initial shock. I don't think speaking to him at all is going to do you any favours at the moment.

You don't need anymore explanations or excuses. If he wants to speak to the kids then he can go through his mother/your mother/friend whatever but you need to protect yourself at the moment.

Another thought.....

Everything he says about it being your fault, about you driving him to it etc. is crap. He needs it to all be your fault because otherwise its his and he cannot countenance that.

If he was truly unhappy then he could have talked to you, sorted out an amicable split that worked for everyone especially the kids. What he did was go out and stick his head in a bucket of cocaine. What he did was blame you for the total change in personality instead of accepting that when you fill your body with drugs, it changes you fundementally and turns you into a nasty person. What he did was make it all someone elses fault.

It isnt. Its all on him, every last bit of it is on him. Keep that knowledge in your heart when he is trying to hurt you with his bullshit justifications.

You will look back on this time one day and realise he jas done you a favour. Because you and your kids deserve so much better. He sounds like a complete waste of space!
Stay syrong and resist the urge to contact him, he really isn't worth it

Out of interest who controls the finances? I was just wondering if he has got into debt with the coke. My ex kept his coke habit secret for ages, ended up in thousands in debt, left me, told me he was at his parents (he had moved in with a woman from work) he made my life hell. Telling people I was stopping him from seeing the kids, he never turned up to see them! Next thing he starts helping me out and being nice telling me how much he regretted leaving. Like an idiot I took him back, I still didn't know about the other woman, didn't take him long to go back to the mood swings, with holding affection etc. I was also on citalopram, he used to tell me I was crazy.

Please ignore him, don't respond to him, please look up narcissism in relationships and gas lighting and see if anything relates to you.

It's been two years since I got rid of my ex. I have been off anti depressants for a year.

Even if it is a weekend thing (bollocks) why do you want your kids around him?

It will get better op, it hurts like hell but you will get there. Thinking of you.

Foxysoxy1

You don't have to be gentle. I really don't want to talk to him at the moment.

I know it will come though I will be wondering who he's with and what he's doing. I know I will want to text just for any sort of communication with him and I know I must not do it. I know I shouldn't care but I do. It makes me feel sick.

I'm sure he will text tomorrow to want to see the children, what should I do?