Anyone awake.. he's just left us

[Lf803]

Hey ladies... so after going out for 2 beers then arriving home at 1.30 and laughing to his mate that he couldn't get in he's just packed some bags left his wedding ring and gone!

[SandyY2K]

He's actually behaving beyond nasty, it's abusive behaviour.

My only response would be "when are you filing for the divorce"

In the meanwhile, make an appointment with a solicitor and found out how things would look for you in the event of a divorce.

Keep those text messages as evidence and refrain from any conversation not related to the DC or to a separation /divorce.

You wouldn't want your DD in this kind of relationship. Lead by example and you'll be more relaxed without him as a husband.

For the sake of the DC, just maintain a civil relationship with him. Anything else could make him do something crazy and he does sound off his head.

I'd be sure to mention his use of illegal drugs to the solicitor as well. I'd be concerned about him being alone with my DC.

[NewPuppyMum]

Nespressofan. Wtf?

[Atenco]

I'd bin him for the Coke alone!

Me too. No way would I knowingly hang around with a cokehead. I am a grandmother now, but when I was young, some of my friends got into coke and some into heroin. Heroin is appalling and turns people into thieves who would sell their own grandmothers for a fix, but coke makes people violent and paranoid. So who knows whether it is the coke speaking, but he is still responsible for his actions.

There are so many of us who never got to live like the Waltons OP. In fact, most of the families that look like the Waltons are quite different on the inside. He has done and your kids a favour by buggering off.

[TupperwareTat]

Dont ever be embarressed. Dont ever be worried what ANYONE thinks.

This is about your DC & you.

Be proud of yourself for not allowing this to happen anymore.

Fuck what anyone thinks about it.

Its your life. A happy one from now on.

[kittybiscuits]

If you give yourself one month of no contact with this messed up creep, you will thank him for doing you a favour. Are you in a position to change the locks or improve security? I think he wants to go on a bender but needs to make you the excuse. He has zero respect for you. But that is a reflection of him, not you.

[ofudginghell]

How awful op.
What a vile nasty piece of work he sounds.
Your confidence sounds v low right now not surprising with someone saying all those things to you.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy and compliments you,not someone who belittles you to make himself look better.
People will already be seeing through it.

Let him walk away. You don't want that around your children day in day out.
You don't want them to grow up thinking that's the way a man treats a women do you?
You want your dd to be a strong confident women who knows her own mind and self worth.

Honestly I'm so angry for you after reading your posts.
You sound so down trodden (due to his vicious tongue) he's walking all over you.
Get that door locked from the inside and start getting your paperwork things in order. Block his number on your phone and tell to friends/family first thing what's happened so they can support you from now on.
Don't let him do this to you and your dc anymore.
Don't take anymore of his shit.

Don't normally swear on threads but what a wanker.

[Cricrichan]

He's beyond nasty! To not be in love with you or to want to split up is one thing, but to be vile to you is unnecessary and disgusting.

To do so in front of your kids is awful and will leave them with issues about relationships if you carry on.

But even if he was a lovely person, no way would I tolerate being with someone who takes coke - for all sorts of reasons.

[JeffJarrett]

Oh OP. What a rough night you must have had. I hope you're managing to get some sleep or have someone who can come and help you with the little ones later. I imagine once the adrenaline drops you'll be exhausted.

Your "D"H is a massive twat. It really doesn't matter the reason for saying those things to you. He is doing it to hurt you and you don't do that to people you love because you're pissed/coked up.

He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. He's rebelling from his commitments and role as a husband and father by getting shitfaced and pissing off to his 'mums'. I'd be wondering if he was going to a mates/party/other woman type thing. I don't want you to be more upset, but be open to the possibility he hasn't been faithful.

He seems to blame you for feeing trapped in his life and taking drugs to escape from it. It's not good at all, especially with little kids in the mix. He's taking it out on you by being a cunt and treating you like dirt.

You need to make a stand and stop accepting it. Lock the doors. Tell him you're done. I don't feel like you're at the point yet where you're ready to let go but hopefully you will be soon, for your own sanity, and there will be lots of people to help you and offer advice on here.

You deserve better than to be verbally and emotionally abused, made to feel worthless and have your self esteem battered. This man doesn't even treat you like a human being. Even being on your own is better for your mental health, and one day you will be able to have a healthy, loving relationship with no drug taking and name calling.

Please have a think about how much better your life will be if you take back the control from him.

[jemimarose]

Me again! I managed to get more sleep. I am separated and half way through a divorce. I left him due to his alcoholism. I tried to change him, impossible. He blamed me, ridiculous. He embarrassed the children and just laughed it off say I was being controlling, bollocks.

I can see this clearly now. But, when I was living it I did think it was my fault. So I know from experience when I say he is the fuckwit, he does not deserve you in a trillion years and you will be happier without him and your children will see you are happy and they will be ok.

It will be tough but I'm lying here alone in bed, kids tucked up asleep safe in the knowledge I don't have a drunk on the sofa downstairs waiting to berate me. Promise you I have never been more content.

Make today the first day of freedom!

[BirdPerson]

Cocaine is a hell of a drug. If hes been taking it long term, it probably has a fair bit to do with the way he feels and what he is saying about you and your relationship. Not being coked up makes things seem...mundane, and boring, and hard to tolerate.

Of course, that is absolutely not an excuse or justification for how he has treated you. I would not hold out for him to come back, nor would I ask him to, just concentrate on you and your children.

Make sure that you have the right support, emotional and financial (if you need it) in place. You don't have to tell everyone the reason he left if you don't want to - your family and friends should support you regardless.

If, in the future, there is ever a possibility of reconciliation, I would stipulate its on the grounds of him going to rehab. My brother has had a 15 year cocaine addiction and his pregnant wife recently gave him an ultimatum - he spent 4 weeks in rehab and it really worked wonders.

This is probably going to be so tough for you, but honestly, it's for the best.

[Lf803]

Thank you everyone. I managed to sleep a couple of hours my eyes feel like they are hanging off my face! I know you are all right. I've so many things buzzing around in my head. I feel like I've let my children down so badly. I'm going to bag all his stuff up and put it in the garage purely because I can't bear to look at it.

[jemimarose]

Oh my goodness, you could be me! You are blaming yourself as I did, trying to figure out where I went wrong. You are not in the wrong, somehow I'd love you to realise that quicker then I did. I blamed me when I should blamed STBXH.

You are putting your children first. Their safety comes first and I've seen enough druggies to know that children and adults with drug or alcohol addictions is a terrible mix.

Gather your strength, pack his bags and get a friend / family member over to spend day with you. Support will be needed.

[Wingsofdesire]

Be glad he's gone.

You know you couldn't go on with him treating you like that.

You know it would have to end.

If he's actually gone himself, let him go. Don't panic. It will pass. Just let it go.

I'd say don't engage in conversation with him for now.

Just keep still and quiet and let him go.

It will be the best thing he's done.

[bouncydog]

Use his exit to build the life you want for you and your children as decent human beings. You don't want your children taking drugs and thinking it's ok to speak to their partners like that. The first few days will be tough but at least you won't have to live with the uncertainty of whether he's coming home and wondering what state he will be in - no wonder you have health issues.

You deserve far better. If he asks to come back then that is up to you - but I would make it conditional that he enters a rehab programme and gets clean before he was allowed to return to the family home.

He is responsible for his actions nobody else. 💐

[BeyondThePage]

He sounds awful...

When my dad left - similar story to your DH... my mum turned round and said "Well... that's that... my life will be less full of crap with one fewer arsehole in it"

(and yep I admire her for maintaining her grammar whilst going through Hell)

[sassandfaff]

It's so awful to see posts like yours op.

Not just because you are another woman being treated like crap by yet another wanker.

But because you radiate downtrodden beliefs, questions and actions.

Someone who isn't downtrodden, would have told him the 'truth'.

That he's a cruel nasty pathetic coke head, and that everyone will be better off without him.

You will be like that once you get rid of him and start to thrive. Don't, whatever you do have him back. I promise he won't respect you for it. He will treat you with contempt, because in his head, you are giving him permission to carry on.

Pack his bags like you say, and start surprising him, with a new attitude of

'fuck you, I've had enough'

[Lf803]

Thank you all so much, you are all helping concrete what deep down I know. I don't have any really good friends as I don't go out and do anything. Always been sat waiting for him to come home and be with us. So all your support actually means so much.

[Hermonie2016]

He is the problem, it is not you.I suspect you are right that he's now mentally unbalanced, most likely due to drugs and suspect childhood issues.

For your childrens sake you need to make sure he doesn't come back.He has massive issues that you can't resolve.Your love or your children's love can't fix this.This is why you feel so rejected, why can't this man see how wonderful his life is, most men would, but he can't.

His blaming you is part of his issues, completely unwilling to look at himself.When he's sober he will look at those texts and instead of guilt he will have to blame you.It can't be him, therefore it must be you that caused it.

The only one able to resolve this is him but you must protect yourself and your children in the meantime.

Tell everyone about his behaviour, you will surprised how supportive they will be.I know you want this relationship to work but you can fix him to do that.

[FrankUnderwoodsWife]

@Lf803 use him leaving to take back control of your own life. I am sorry you believe you don't have any good friends, use this opportunity to go out and get some!

Don't underestimate the women friends you do have. Call one of them up and ask for help, explain your situation and vulnerability. I defy any decent woman, to stand by and let another person go through what you're going through alone. When the chips are down, we rally behind our own. If someone I only knew vaguely asked me for help, I would be there in a heartbeat, because that's what we do. We're nurturing, caring and always look to ease the hurt of others, it's hard wired in our DNA.

Take it easy today, get outside and appreciate all of the little things around you -
your 3 children, even though they can push your buttons;
slightly longer days;
flowers starting to bud;
leaves trying to burst through on the trees;
and a forum of women, complete strangers, who will stand beside your during dark hours, pick you up when you're down, and celebrate every small achievement you make as you get through each day without your "D"ickhead H.

Spring is the ideal time to rebirth yourself, shed your old skin, your doubts and insecurities.

We are here for you!

[whatisgoingon1]

He's an addict, doing drugs. It's absolutely appalling behaviour for a father of 2 children and a stepfather to your dd. He's not good enough for you and the children, everything else is irrelevant in the slightest. Not sure how you don't feel disgusted by him. Let him go, be firm.Later on he'll either realise what he lost ,will change his behaviour, stops taking drugs and abusing you (if you actually show him you will not allow this anymore) or he'll degrade even further but that's his own issues. Your priorities are children not an addict

[Lf803]

He's told my mum this morning that he never wanted to get married and I got pregnant twice and told him it was tough and for the past 5 years he's been dragging me along and I'm the reason he's moody are nasty.

[Lf803]

I promise you all this wasn't the person I fell in love with.

[amysmummy12345]

He's rewriting his past to put you in the blame. It's not your fault

[DelphiniumBlue]

He's a coke head . Lies and paranoia are part of the territory. He is being foul to you but in his own paranoid srlf- justifying head its all your fault and he I'd the reasonable one.
Don't listen to anything he says, cokeheads can twist things unbelievably in order to avoid taking responsibility themselves.
Its up to you now to look after yourself and your children. Don't have anything more to do with him, lock him out, and ignore what he's telling you or other people.

[Angelreid14]

You and your kids deserve better. Do not let him drag you down.