can't cope living with the in laws

[pinklemonade84]

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term

You ask why I think you are "gliding past" the information I am giving you about housing. It's because you don't bother to acknowledge that you have read and absorbed the information. You make no comment whatsoever about this very important issue, other than DH is holding out for social housing - he (and possibly you) are living in cloud cuckoo land I don't know what advice you got from CAB but it doesn't sound to me like it was in any sense accurate. I know you have explained that you couldn't afford to stay in your house, but I was simply looking at it from the point of view of your housing application and whether you would be seen as intentionally homeless. You seem to be more pre-occupied with the birthday cake and the possibility of a trike for your daughter and who buys the trike. It's ridiculous - I'm sorry but you're making mountains out of mole hills and it can't be doing you any good.

I agree with Pasta that you are quick to take offence and respond angrily to anyone expressing a different opinion than your own. Pasta mentions your post (to me) asking me if this that or the next thing had ever happened to me and when I said I had no intention of getting into a competition with you about whose life was the toughest, you came back asking me why I should think this was a competition. I absolutely agree with the last paras of Pastas post.

OP Can I ask you whether you have problems with relationships in general - you mention that you used to be able to rant to your mom when she was alive, but can't do that any longer. I think many posters can see that your ILs have taken you in when you had no where else to go, but I haven;t read a word from you about any feelings of gratitude or acknowledgement of their kindness, mostly this nonsense about MIL ordering a cake that a) she shouldn't have done it and b) she ordered the flavours she liked and c) she ordered jam and your DH doesn't like jam!!! OK FIL sounds a bit of a pain but he sounds kind as well. Some poster have asked if you're being rent and you've chosen to ignore that, but I'm sure the ILs wouldn't charge you rent.

I think quite honestly if you were my dil I would try and cancel the birthday cake and if not, I'd go off to a friend's house invite a few more round and we could have it with coffee in an afternoon chat. I'd tell you to carry on and o as you like..............

Catrina has it spot on. OP in the cold light of day you and your DP are homeless and unemployed. Before that you were both your mums carers and you dont say how many years this went on for.

What skills does DH have if he's been out of work other than caring for your mum for a while?

These are the issues you should be worrying about not a birthday cake and trike.

You and dh have a perfect opportunity to gain some new skills while not having to pay rent and having il's that are good with your baby given her epilepsy.

If your ils ever saw this thread how do you think they'd feel about having you continuing to live in their home? Where would that leave you then?

As I said with my sibling when she told me to stop buying my DN ( I wasnt), he now gets very little. I shant forget that and I think they'd prefer me the way I was: always happy to be involved and generous. Now they've shown me they feel that way they'll get sod all.

Catrina cab were told that we had moved to the area because we couldn't afford our old house and that we had moves to be near family support. The man that we saw said nothing about us making ourselves intentionally homeless and said that he thought we would be a priority. I get that there's a lack of social housing, but it doesn't stop my dh wanting to wait for our application to come through and see where we stand (it probably doesn't help that he has his mum harping on that we will never get a council house if we go for private rented). I've been looking at what's available as a back up option because I agree with you that it could potentially take a VERY long time.

You say that I don't even acknowledge how kind the in laws are being, yet on the first page I said
Please don't get me wrong. I'll never be able to thank them enough for letting us stay here while we sort out our own place. I just can't take the taking over.
Which is true. What they're doing is incredibly generous. But, it doesn't give them the right to do what they have been doing.

No, the in laws are not charging us rent. However, we do contribute to the gas and electric and buy our own food so that they're not out of pocket.

And no I don't have a problem with relationships in general. When dd was born I had a whole load of issues with the in laws taking over and pushing me out, to the extent where dh was even bullying me to give his parents their own way. It almost resulted in us separating and me refusing to ever come here again if dh didn't get his act together and support me when we were here. Some people would probably wonder why we even came here in the first place, but, they had actually got a lot better in recent months. I would rant to my mum as she went through similar with my dad's mum and she understood where I was coming from. I didn't want to continuously go on at dh if something had upset me and my mum gave me an outlet for the frustrations I felt when we here. She wouldn't take it all the time though and if she felt like I was being out of order then she would say so

The man that we saw said nothing about us making ourselves intentionally homeless

Maybe, but you would be seen as currently housed though.

And how many times do I have to say that I didn't moan at mil about the cake. I simply asked if she could change it and she came up with a compromise that works for everyone.

Some of you don't seem to get that I had been looking forward to these little things (like making a cake or decorating for her birthday, amongst other things). They were distracting me from the overwhelming grief that I still feel alot of the time. They were giving me something to look forward to and they were taken away from me. So of course I was going to be upset.

I still have dreams about having to call the ambulance out. About mum just lying there and when the paramedic turned off her breathing machine he colour changed within seconds. About seeing her taken out of her own home in a body bag. And beforw anyone says, I'm not trying to compete with anyone, I'm just trying to explain why I feel the way that I do. So please don't tell me that I'm wrong for wanting to distract myself with some good moments that seem so few and far between

PigletWasPoohsFriend, he just said that we would be classed as overcrowding as we are currently in 1 bedroom

Ooh ooh I think I remember your thread now! You wanted to know whether you should move back to Wales? Sorry if I have the wrong person. If I don't, major DH problem and I take back all I have said.

You voluntarily moved into a one bed.....

Trifle no that wasn't me, but I have posted in here before under a different username about the in laws before and after pregnancy

Okay. Well, the overcrowding is definitely a problem! Is it a two bed house?

No it's a 3 bedroom. But, fil sleeps in a separate room to mil as he goes to bed later than her and she has to be up at 5 during the week for work

Oh dear. That would definitely affect your housing chances, I'm afraid. As unfair as it is, married adults will be assumed to be sharing.

No it's a 3 bedroom

Then unfortunately it is very unlikely you will be seen as overcrowded.

Your not overcrowded then are you?

We explained all of this to the man at cab. All I'm doing is repeating what he told us

Sorry, not too sure what the problem is with your original post.

Sorry, not too sure what the problem is with your original post.

Me either. Ils saved them from homelessness. They live rent free and ils are good with baby. Instead of dh getting off arse and learning new skills and getting a job while they are being financially supported they are whinging about cakes and trikes for a 1 year old.

If I was the il's and saw this thread Id ask to them leave my home.

I dont think she realises how tenuous her position is. She lives by the grace of someone else, she wont be a priority for a council house and her DH needs to get off arse and do something to support his family if they are unhappy living where they are.

FreeNiki how about you get your facts right? Dh is actually looking for work! So he's not exactly sitting around doing nothing to support us like you seem to assume!

You really don't seem to get it. These things that you seem to be so mocking about were actually things I had been looking forward to. Things that were giving me something else to focus on rather than why we are in this situation and how much we have lost. So, when someone took them away from me of course I was going to be upset!

Some of you that appear to be so scathing about me being upset about these things. Please try and put yourselves in my shoes just for a second.

Yes I am extremely grateful for everything the in laws have done with regards to taking us in. But, that doesn't mean I have to just let everything slide.

If you had been distracting yourself with certain things, regardless of how small or seeminglt unimportant they were, how would you feel if they were taken away from you?

Just because I'm upset about these things, it doesn't make me any less grateful to them for keeping us from having to stay in a b&b or similar

Pink just ignore this lot you're getting a hard time not sure why. I think the points you have raised are more then fair and if I was you I would be angry at fil too! I've been where you are and it's not nice to feel like every special moment of your child's life is being taken from you and you don't deserve that!

When you roll in the mud with pigs you all get dirty but the pigs like it.

*seemingly

Pink - I don't know who you saw at the CAB but he was incompetent and gave you totally inaccurate advice. I have been a volunteer at CAB for 17 years and a lot of people we see need housing advice. We have to ensure that we keep up with housing legislation as the govt change things to save more money. There is NO way you are going to be seen as a priority, You will be in priority need because you have a child but regardless of whether they deem you to be intentionally or unintentially homeless, the point is you are not homeless and you are certainly not over crowded. I think you need to "wake up and smell the coffee" - there are families with 3 or more children living in one room in B & B with shared kitchens. The most they will do is add your name to their waiting list and believe me it will be a very long wait. The LHA's main priority is homeless people (as in no home at all - on the streets) and if these people are in priority need then they have to be found accommodation but at the risk of repeating myself this can be at the other end of the country to where they live, or some grotty B & B or flat in a deprived area. Trying to cope with the growing tide of homeless people is their main priority. I'm afraid MIL is wrong about "never getting a council house" if you rent privately. That could have been the case 10 years ago but things have changed drastically. Rather than believe me, why don't you get in touch with SHELTER an excellent voluntary organisation for all housing issues. Even looking at their website will be useful but you can talk to someone though you have to wait as they are very over subscribed.

Trifle you haven't got the wrong thread.

I think what is getting to a lot of us is you see yourself as a victim and having a tougher time than anyone else. There is no need to write a paragraph about your mother's death - yes it's always sad when a loved one dies, but there can't be many people on here who have not experienced the same thing. You asked me a heap of questions - had I lost both my parents (yes) and other things that I can't remember now, but again it comes across as you are a victim and life is unfair.

You're in a vulnerable position, no accommodation, neither of you in work and unhappy where you're living, but that's true for thousands of people in society - I see them every day, and far worse off than you. I've been wondering why your DH doesn't have a word with his dad about upsetting you, but it's clear now - he's ok with his parents and the situation. You mention he bullied you into doing what his parents wanted when DD was a baby. You use such pejorative terms, bullying, mocking, sarcasm etc etc. This is why you're getting a hard time on here I think.

Catrina, I'm in total agreement with you with regards to housing. I actually spoke to dh today and said that I don't think we will be seen as that much of a priority because we do actually have a roof over our heads. And his reply was that the man from cab had said we were overcrowded and would be seen as a priority. I told him that I don't think we will be housed quickly and that we need to be looking at alternatives as long as we can find something long term. He still wants to see where we are banding wise, but does seem more open to looking at private rented. I feel a bit angry that we may have been given false advice/hope, but at least dh seems more open to considering the aternatives.

Some people have come across as mocking and sarcastic though - you being one of them earlier in this thread (though I will say I do appreciate all of the accurate advice with regards to housing). My main issues when dd was a baby and during pregnancy were actually with mil. I have name changed since writing this thread last year
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2590790-starting-to-hate-my-mil

I don't think that people haven't experienced loss or that they haven't experienced similar. But, these things that I was looking forward to, I think I could go so far as to say there were my coping mechanisms, just something to focus on. I asked all of those questions because you honestly came across as if you were mocking an activity that I was planning to do with dd and you didn't seem to get that it is something fun for me to look forward to and distract myself with. I was basically trying to explain everything that I was trying to distract myself from

I just skimmed through your linked thread, found it interesting.
You complain about your MIL trying to take over and massively interfering before your daughter was born.
In your post you made her sound unhinged and had posters foaming at the mouth with indignation on your behalf.
Now apparently she is the reasonable one and you are quite happy to live in her house and it's your FIL who is trying to take over your DD.

Itmustbemyage because that was what was happening and had happened at the time.