can't cope living with the in laws

[pinklemonade84]

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term

whether it's social housing or private rented

Very much doubt you would get council housing very quickly. As far as they are concerned you are housed.

Very much doubt you would get council housing very quickly. As far as they are concerned you are housed.

And what I was doing was pointing out that one way or another we will be in our own place by then

I still think making such a fuss ove your baby's first bike is OTT. The cause of your distress is probably coming from your grief at losing your own mother recently which is understandable and I sympathise.

Frankly I would have been more than thrilled if my own parents or inlaws had bought my children's first bikes as well as other things. But my DD feels much the same as you and would rather buy eveything that is a 'first' herself if her DMiL hasn't already beaten us to it! I can't play these games anymore.

Some of you seem to be forgetting that it's a lot of things that have built up in the short time that we have been here. I'm not just being like this for the sake of it. I'm fed up of fil trying to take over and this is yet another example of him doing so. Why, when he knows how much we want to do this, would he insist on doing so himself?

Have you asked him why it is so important for him to do this for you? ATM you are staying in his home, hopefully not for too much longer, so if he wants to 'take over' then let him. He won't live for ever.

I think you need to private rent. If there is already such hostility brewing towards your fil it would be best all round. It defo sounds like you need your own place anyway just for your peace of mind. Otherwise something else will happen that will tip you to explode and then you will be the bad guy...and the ungrateful bad guy at worst. Best of luck and I'm very sorry about your mum op.

I explained the position re social housing/private rent very early on in this thread. The local housing authority will make a decision on allocating social housing to someone. Initially the person has to be homeless (as in on the streets) and then they have to be in priority need (meaning they have children, are pregnant, have dependent adult etc) Then they look to see if the applicants are intentionally homeless (meaning did they leave their accommodation of their own free will - if so and they are not in priority need they will not be offered anything. If they are deemed to be intentionally homeless but in priority need they will be offered something, but it can be a B and B or a grotty flat in a run down area. There is a total scarcity of social housing and has been for many years due to the total lack of newbuilds. This means that the LHA have to rent from private landlords in order to house tenants who are intentionally homeless and in priority need. However this accommodation can be anywhere in the country - they go for areas of the country where rents are cheaper. Obviously I don't know where you are but I hope for your sake it's not London. Tenants claiming Housing Benefit have been moved out of London because of the high cost of rents, and told they must move to a certain town, no matter that they have no family there or the children will have to move schools.

There is a system where people waiting for social housing can bid on line but as you can imagine there are hundreds of people bidding for very few properties. I saw a TV programme about this and about 10 families turned up to view the accommodation and of course the 1st one took it - I'm not altogether sure how this system works but it looked horrendous, with people saying they were No 350 on the waiting list.

Because of the lack of social housing, there is also a high demand for private rented accommodation. If the LHA house you in private rented accommodation, there will be no start up costs and you can claim Housing Benefit. However given that you are living with ILs they will not see you as homeless, and I suspect they will deem you to be intentionally homeless. Thus the only thing you can do is try to find a private rent and you will need 4 weeks rent in advance and a deposit, dependent on the property, but you need to be thinking in terms of £2000. As I said before apart from home owners, 75% of people are living in private rented accommodation and of course demand outstrips supply every time.

Why don't you go to the LHA and find out for yourselves what the position is. I am a volunteer for CAB so I know I am giving you accurate information, but it does depend on geographical location.,

SO I think you have more to worry about than the filling in the cake and the first trike............I think your ILs know you are struggling financially and are trying to help you out, but you are just carping about things that don't really matter. Were it not for them you might be living in a grotty B & B and believe me when I say grotty I mean grotty - or a hostel with drug addicts and stairways that smell of urine.

I don't know if you are aware that you can claim Income Support, Child Tax Credit and Child Benefit.

Please don't use "he won't live forever" on me. Given the reason why we're living with dh's parents, I don't think it's very fair to do so.

Catrina, I have mentioned several times that we could not afford to keep our house on in Wales, we didn't just decide to up sticks and leave for the sake of it. We explained all of this to CAB when we went in to see what we needed to do and if they had any advice or support when could access.

Another reason why we moved to this area was because we have family here (dh's parents) and we needed support because of dd's epilepsy. She actually had a fit this morning and I will say fil has been brilliant and such a help (I can praise him where he deserves it). Despite this, it still doesn't make the frustrations of him trying to take over etc any easier to handle and they still irritate me.

Sorry pinklemonade Have I missed why you're living with dh's parents? You need support because of your DDs epilepsy so you moved nearer them and he proved himself this morning when she had a fit. It is very frightening I know. My DD had epilepsy at a very young age too.

I am very sorry for the loss of your Mum but I feel you are being unfair to FiL.

Both myself and dh were carers for my mum and were made redundant when she died. As a result we couldn't afford to keep our house. We've never been in arrears with rent and weren't about to start then. And because we wanted family around us if something were to happen with dd, we chose to move over here.

I just want to reiterate how good fil is with dd. She adores him and he adores her. If he didn't try and command her attention ALL of the time, or take over our plans, or try and buy her things that we have always wanted to buy ourselves, things would be amazing.

Someone got it bang on earlier in the thread. I've lost so much already and it really does feel like I'm beginning to lose my daughter too. I don't want to be centre of her attention all the time, but I'd love it if when I'm playing with her I don't have him trying to distract her or grab her attention.

sunshinesupermum I'm sorry your dd had epilepsy at a young age too. You're right it really is scary. This morning more so than even when she first started with them. She's only ever had then where she's been in a bouncer or her highchair, so she's been restrained. Today she was on the floor and she lay down and started arching her back. I initially thought she was just stretching to see the tv until I noticed her eyes were rolling

You won't ever lose your daughter pinklemonade you are her Mum.

Have you had any bereavement counselling? It might help and is worth trying.

Thanks pinklemonade It is a worry you just don't need.

Have you had any bereavement counselling? It might help and is worth trying.

^^

I see the nurse for a registration appointment at our new gp next week, so I was planning on looking into how easy the counselling will be to access.

The fact that you had to move from your house because you couldn't afford the rent I'm afraid won't be seen as being unintentionally homeless - and you talk as if you made a decision to move because of DH's family and DD's epilepsy. In reality though did you have anywhere else to go - it doesn't sound like it as you haven't mentioned it. I have tried to spell out the housing situation you seem to choose to glide past it,, so maybe you should both go to the housing offices and discuss your situation with them.

Glad you are sounding more kind towards FIL who adores your DD - and who was so helpful when she had a fit. I do wonder why your DH can't talk to FIL about some of the clashes between you. The first grandchild is enormously exciting and I was fortunate enough to have dils and sons who were more than happy for me to buy things for DGD. What I would say however is that it will wear off - he's excited at the moment but as time goes by things will level out but only if you are prepared to compromise, and keep things on an even keel.

Catrina it was a mixture of the two reasons (being unable to afford our house anymore and choosing to move to be near family). No, we didn't have anywhere else to go. And I don't understand why you seem to think that I'm choosing to "glide past it". What else is there to know about the situation?

Get out of the house with your DD, do the swimming that you mentioned up thread now, join groups now, not after Easter.

Can you use this time to have a date night with your DH? you have babysitters on tap?

Also continue the conversation about trying to get some grief counselling.

Get you own place asap otherwise your anger will damage your relationship with your PIL.

Catrina given the harsh responses you had on here I admire you for coming back.

And you are right in what you say. I said earlier you (the op) might have said you couldn't afford it etc but there is a process to go through. Then you get housing.

And I am an A on priority.

Your DD can leave the bike at her GP's when you move out? You get her one for her new home? How about that as a resolution to the bike drama?

wannabestressfree how about the harsh replies I had off Catrina? Calling me spiteful? And being extremely sarcastic? I don't think there was anything wrong with me defending myself

Stripeymug there is actually no one who would currently feel comfortable babysitting dd due to her epilepsy

Have you applied for dla, cares allowance etc. I know your daughter is epileptic but one of you can work? I am just thinking if the situation is intolerable it needs changing.

I've got an appointment with cab to help me to fill in the form. And then once that is done I will be able to apply for carers allowance. We see dd's new consultant next week too.

The situation does need changing. In all honesty I don't hold out much hope for social housing. Before we moved over here I was looking into private rented houses, but like I say dh wants to see what happens with our housing application. I think he thinks that it will be cheaper to go down that route if possible (I don't think he realises how long it will actually take)

OP, you're grieving the loss of your mum and I am so sorry for you as it must be devastating and so lonely.

Your FIL sounds like a dickhead, tbh. Sounds a bit like my FIL so I sympathise with you there too.

When my DC was very young my ILs alternated between not caring at all about their DGC (they have half a dozen other DGCs and almost as many DGGC) and taking over ... I know the sort of pain you're going through with feeling pushed out.

I'm more interested in you than your ILs and please don't take this the wrong way because I am only highlighting the patterns evident in your wording choices.

You refuse to accept the possibility that you might be in the wrong, overreacting, coming across as ungrateful, or seem to strongly dislike your FIL (him as a person, not just his actions).

You are quick to take offence and respond angrily to anyone expressing differences of opinion about priorities (cake smash, who buys what), and your use of emphatic questioning (eg "Have you ever ...? Has this happened to you ...? And then have you ever experienced ...?") is losing you sympathy from some posters.

It doesn't come across well that you are complaining bitterly about your ILs on the Internet, where anyone can read how disgracefully, selfishly, pettily and passive-aggressively every adult in your ILs' house is behaving - but you have only had a couple of attempts to speak with your MIL about it all. What will you do if a friend of your ILs reads this thread and tells your MIL or FIL? Or if your DH reads how rudely you've been about his parents who are generously giving you a home and help with childcare?

No one here can help this situation, except you. And the situation won't improve if you use online forums to get riled up about a shitty FIL or clueless MIL. You aren't using this thread to take advice, to see things through anyone else's perspective, or to get sympathy on your awful tragic losses (not just your DM but the changed life circumstances, which also would be a huge change for you). You've instead chosen to go behind your ILs' and your DH's backs to vent spleen so anyone can read it, and you only want responses that agree with you.

I hope that you can speak with MIL and she understands how you're feeling, and that you are able to receive counselling for the loss of your DM. I also very much hope - if for no one's sake but your DD who is the innocent in all of this - that you can get into your own home soon and that your relationship with your DD's grandparents isn't affected by how you and they feel about each other.

Good luck, OP.

PastaOfMuppets there are plenty of people who have posted who haven't agreed with me, who haven't been sarcastic about the things that have upset me, and honestly I don't have a problem with them. It's where people have come across as angry with me for suggesting a paid for baby singing group (that I was only looking into), been angry with me for wanting to do a cake smash, implied that I just need to shut up and put up, or have come across as mocking my feelings of being upset at fil taking over.

I used to be able to rant to my mum about things like this and she would put me straight if she thought I was being unfair. And now I obviously don't have that anymore. I don't want to be moaning at dh as he has enough on his plate with trying to find work, which is why I ranted on here.

It's an internet forum, not everyone is going to agree with me or understand why things have upset me so much, I get that. But, I do deserve to not have been given the hard time that I have from the word go by some people