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starting to hate my mil(268 Posts)
The woman is seriously starting to get to me and has actually resulted in me having panic attacks about how she is going to be once our baby girl is born in April.
Before we even got pregnant, she informed me on Boxing Day 2014 that I needed to lose weight, so that when we eventually had children I would actually be around to see them grow up. Little did she know that we had actually been ttc for 4 years prior to that with no luck.
And since announcing this very much wanted pregnancy she has made me feel awful for getting excited. Telling us not to go shopping to "give other people a chance to buy things".
We were in a store ordering our pram back in December. I was testing out the one hand push and she pulled the pram off me and walked off to the other side of the store. And because we had to go around the local stores to collect all of the bits and pieces to it, she went into a major strop. Started complaining very loudly and tried to drag my dh off to persuade him to choose another pram (we've chosen the Britax Affinity and she was trying to get dh to choose an Icandy - bit of a difference price wise).
Then when we made the mistake of saying that we liked the name Elizabeth with Libby for a nickname, her response was "well I will call her Lizzie", despite both me and dh saying that Lizzie just wasn't an option to us.
When we collected the pram and started putting it together to check everything was there, she literally snatched the pram out of dh's hands and started prancing around the front room saying "I can't wait to take my baby for a walk round the estate"
I've got gestational diabetes and at a family wedding a few weeks ago she decided to ask me at our table full of people when I would be taking my insulin injection. Despite me having said the night before and that morning that I was leaving everything in the car as I didn't want people knowing because I feel very embarassed about it.
The same night she announced that once their kitchen was sorted (they've had a new one installed) that she would be going on a spending spree and she didn't care if I didn't like something, all that mattered was if she liked it or not. So at this point I'd had enough of her and said that she shouldn't buy any jeans as the baby will not be wearing them as to me they don't look comfortable. And the face on her was a picture.
She keeps hinting to have the baby on her own. And practically screamed at me on Thursday night "why aren't we babysitting?!?" when we asked fil to watch our dog for the day on dh's birthday so that we can do something as a family of three.
Then yesterday when we got back from hospital, she has now started dropping hints about wanting to take the baby to work with her so that she can show her off. And I can imagine the backlash already when I say no as I don't want my daughter passing around several women that I don't know.
We've tried explaining that we don't want visiting for too long as the hospital and she said "well I will be there anyway" as if she expects to be waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour.
And I'm terrified that she's going to try and take over and ruin the precious first days for us. To the extent where I've started having panic attacks and have had to talk to the midwife about getting some help to limit her visiting hours once our dd is here.
I know all of these probably sound so pathetic and petty, but they've been adding up for so long and I'm really worrying about how I'm going to be strong enough to take control once dd is here, even though dh fully supports me and understands where I'm coming from
Please don't let this vile woman take over your life and your baby. Can you and DP make a plan together and stick to it?
Regarding the hospital visiting, I'm sure you can tell staff that you do not want her visiting and they will not let her in.
Regarding having the baby on her own?!? just tell her no, it won't be happening
Regarding taking the baby to her work?!? what is that about?!? she can show photos like everyone else does.
You do not sound pathetic or petty at all. Congratulations to you and your DP on YOUR baby. I'm sure lots more advice will be given to you.
p.s. I am MiL and I completely understand where you are coming from.
He needs to tell his mother that none of the things she expecting to happen are going to happen. She's not going to be borrowing the baby to parade her around, and certainly won't be there when you're in labour. He has to put his foot down right now, and save you the stress.
I'm wondering where your DH stands here, what did he do with the prancing round with the pram thing & with the diabetes convo?
I wouldn't tell her you have gone into labour tbh if you fear her turning up at the hospital...
I would either say that you get more assertive with her or you take a step back & your DH deals with her.
(I'm with you on the jeans btw, neither warm nor waterproof nor comfy )
Your husband needs to tell her what will and won't be happening so it's great that he's supportive.
Also, stop taking her shopping with you.
She couldn't care less whether she upsets you with her words or actions.
My advice is dig deep and do the same! Not being deliberately curel, but say how you feel and what will/ will not be happening with your baby.
She'll so get the message.
And YY to not letting her come shopping with you! What on earth is she doing there? You get to choose the pram, her opinions are utterly irrelevant.
Why are you spending so much time with her? You don't have to....this level of stress is not good for you ...
Take the time to take care of yourself before the baby arrives and get dh to manage his mum....set the boundaries now so you don't have to think about it when baby comes
We'd already decided on the pram that we were heading into the store for. We just took her to include her in something that should be an exciting event.
When she snatched the pram off dh and started prancing around he actually took it back saying "I'm not quite finished yet" (he was attempting to put the hood on it). When she took it off me in store we actually walked away so she didn't have the audience that she obviously wanted.
And as for the insulin at the wedding dh didn't say anything as we didn't want to draw any extra attention to it as I'd already told her no twice. Basically we were sat on a table with two of the biggest gossipers in the family so by now it's probably all around the family
bil's fiance hasn't once asked how the pregnancy has been going and I mentioned to dh that she can get stuffed if she thinks she's walking in and holding the baby straight away. Mil pipes up "well she'll have to get her off me first" and dh put her in her place over that and said that she wouldn't have the baby all the time.
I don't mind walking up to meet her from work, but there's no chance our baby will be going up there with her on her own and passed around women that I don't know. And to be honest I couldn't care less how stroppy she gets with me over it.
The problem with not telling her when I'm in labour is that they're having our dog for us (my mum is disabled and unable to look after him and my dad died in 2009). Also it's looking likely that I will be induced around the 6th/7th of April so she already knows that that is when she will be potentially having the dog. We actually live in Wales and have chosen the hospital dh was born at because our local hospital doesn't have a scbu and the next closest one is roughly 2 hours away. My community midwife even recommended the hospital near the in laws as the other one gets seriously busy, which was a bit of a shock
I guess the good thing about us living in Wales is that we only have to see her every so often
averythinline this is a result of several visits to the in laws and we have been slowly drawing back from them because of how stressed it has been making me
Stop taking her shopping with you, be vague about any plans for the baby, let her buy whatever she likes. Get your DH to put his foot down, he should be able to stand up to his own mother. There's no need to be nervous, but she's obviously a very determined woman lol so you both need to be firm. Good luck and congratulations
Make sure your DH is on the same page as you - don't let her bully you. And if she is going to try to turn up at the hospital you can tell the nurses/midwives that she is not allowed in.
As it sounds as tho your DH is backing you up, you need to stop this behaviour now. You may have to risk ruffling her feathers, but No is NO.
I'd be looking for someone else who can have the dog.
Plus you can ask midwife, hospital staff to refuse entry to anyone other than DH !
Thank you so much everyone for the advice, I really do appreciate it
I was telling dh yesterday in the car that we need to stop explaining things, our decision should stand and they should have no say in the matter. And to be fair to him, he's on exactly the same page as me.
I think we'll be following your advice slightly mix56 and asking the hospital staff to not allow her entry until we're good and ready. And then she'll be leaving when we want her to (our hospital has a huge window of visiting hours - 10am until 8pm and then dh can come and go as he needs to, thankfully he can even stay overnight with me)
Sounds like you and your DH are on the same page which is the first step but other than that just say no repeatedly. It's your baby not MILs and she'll have to learn that. Oh and if she buys stuff you don't like either ask for the receipt or don't use it and give it as a present/charity shop it
It gets worse once the baby arrives.
You and DH need to start practising the refrain 'that won't be happening, thanks'.
If you are planning to breastfeed, nobody should be taking your baby away from you while you're establishing it (and small babies feed 24/7 in my experience, not at 3 hourly intervals).
My DS is 3 1/2 and we barely see PILs due to poor behaviour on their part. He's never been away for the night, btw.
Good luck with your bundle, enjoy every minute.
Find a dog sitter and don't tell your in-laws when you go into labour. You need to begin to stand up to her and stop telling her all your business. And definitely don't allow her onto the ward until you are ready!
Sounds like you're near North Wales if you've got a big distance between hospitals? My hospital (and from what I've heard, the other two big ones up north) are very strict on who can visit and who can be there during labour. If you say you don't want somebody there, they won't let them in.
She sounds like a twat and needs to be put in her place!
The dog could feasibly go into kennels as he's had his kennel cough vaccine, but the in laws are only 15 minutes from the hospital and we know he's comfortable there, so we both really want to avoid putting him in kennels, espescially with not knowing how long I'd be in hospital for with the induction.
The next time we see them I'll be starting working on saying "that won't be happening" or even just up front telling her no. I could potentially only have 3.5 weeks of this pregnancy left and I refuse to spend it worrying about her and her attitude
Start phoning around dog sitter now and book your dog in for a few days over that period. Have the dog go to them a couple if times before the baby is due so he can get used to them and explain that you might need the dog picked up from your house if you are rushed to hospital. There are lots of people working from their own homes as dog sitters. Ask your local vets for names. At least that way they won't know straight away that you've gone to the hospital.
Start cutting back on the phone calls and contact now so they don't suspect something is up if they don't hear from you and tell them the dates have been changed to the following week. Good luck OP.
Good to hear it's not so frequent and dh supportive its hard enough have extra medical issues when your pregnant.. [Flowers]
No. Look in the mirror and practice saying No. Keep it simple.don't elaborate. Don't make excuses. Just say No. And if she asks why say "its not what we want".
I have a good relationship with my in laws but I do set boundaries. If I feel a boundary is being crossed and I'm not happy, I say so. "I would prefer it if xyz"'. "It would be easier for me if xyz". And repeat if necessary.
My in laws have DD one day a week and on that day their rules apply. I don't interfere. It's their day.
And if there's a family occasion that is important to in laws I prioritise it.
Honest, direct and simple communication is what keeps me sane.
Good luck OP. You are not likely to change your mil but you can change your reaction to her. Best wishes for your little ones arrival.
Where the h*ll is your husband in all this?
Tell him to man up and put his mother in her place. Set boundaries! Tell her she follows your wishes in regard to your family and child, or she won't be seeing your little family very often, let alone having your child on her own!
Walk away whenever she refuses to accept your rules or continues to hound you about something you've already responded to. "We're going now!" or "I'm hanging up now." is all you need to stay when she starts up. Then DO it!
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