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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't cope living with the in laws

280 replies

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 21:19

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term Sad

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 10:22

Well clearly you're convinced, OP. Suggest you move out. As for me, I will put up with a lot more than that to pay no rent!

Islacornx · 21/03/2017 10:26

OP I think you're being given a horrendously hard time on here and I have no idea why. Just because you live under their roof doesn't mean they get to push you out and take over at every opportunity.
My partner, our daughter and I live with my mum at the moment as we are saving for a house and as much as my mum dotes on my daughter she never ever interferes. She lets us have our own time playing just the three of us and to just get on with what we need to do and would never dream of taking away any of the firsts such as a first doll/first bike etc..

I think as it's your partners parents you're living with he needs to step up and initiate some far better boundaries otherwise it's going to drive you insane and cause huge resentment, if it hasn't already! Your FIL sounds like an arse tbh, constantly trying to take your DD attention away from you onto him (I know what that's like Angry) and it's utterly infuriating. Yes it's lovely that they've let you live with them and I'm sure there's lots of things they do which are lovely but what you've described is to me them blatantly trying to push you out. They might think they're helping but it's blatantly far too overwhelming for you and your partner needs to have a word! Just because you live under their roof doesn't give them automatic rights to push you out and interfere with every little thing. There's being excited first time grandparents and then there's blatant interfering.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 10:27

So you're saying that you would let your in laws go against your wishes? That you wouldn't be upset if you had politely asked them not to do something but they inaisted on doing it anyway?

Just because I'm currently indebted to them, it doesn't mean that I should let them constantly do what they want and ruin something that myself and dh had been looking forward to

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 10:29

pinklemonade84:

As I said before, I wouldn't, but it sounds like the incident with the bike is the only time they have ignored your clearly expressed wishes. That hardly justifies the pasting you are giving him here! You say you are grateful. His actions have just been described as 'unforgivable' - where are your comments defending him? Where is the "Hold on, fair enough, he pisses me off, but look at the massive kindness he has done me and my family?" Nowhere, that's where.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 10:32

So because I haven't jumped to the defence of a man who I feel is pushing me out and taking over I'm not grateful?? That's absolutely ridiculous.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 21/03/2017 10:38

He does sound annoying and you clearly don't like him. The only thing you can do is put up with him or move out. You won't change his behaviour.

Introvertedbuthappy · 21/03/2017 10:39

I think you're missing the point that you and your partner will ALWAYS be your DD's parents... Therefore you can't be pushed out. Who gives a shit if they get the first bike or whatever - you'll be the ones benefiting from watching her ride it. And since you're skint it will probably be higher spec, so win-win where I'm concerned.

He clearly loves his GD and can be a bit tactless but it is coming from a good place. If you don't like it then move out, don't just live there rent free and bitch about them for trying to give your GD the best.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 10:40

No, it's not ridiculous. You clearly dislike him and you don't sound even remotely grateful. Even when challenged you don't stop and go, "Actually, that's a point that, he has been incredibly generous to me. Maybe 'unforgivable' is unfair..." You just keep going.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 10:44

Yes it is ridiculous. I don't dislike him. I dislike how he is behaving and making me feel

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 10:46

Okay Hmm

WamBamThankYouMaam · 21/03/2017 11:06

I think you're perhaps projecting your issues a little onto your PIL.

Like you say MIL has gone full steam ahead with a cake. Aside from the fact that it's just a cake and your daughter won't know, grasp or care what it is beyond the pretty colours, she was very accommodating of your request was she not? And did you ever involve your MIL? Did she know that you wanted to make the cake yourself? I only ask because everything you say is about you and your mother talking and deciding things.

And your comment regarding so called support. They're having you live in their home, all 3 of you. I think having a small baby in your home has got to be an inconvenience at the least and you don't seem to appreciate the sacrifice they are making to support you.

Maybe it's a case of being a bit stir crazy being stuck in their house, I don't know. Perhaps get out a bit. But I don't understand how you can say you get no time with your daughter when your MIL works and you're free to go upstairs to your room with her or go out?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 11:19

When I was making plans with my mum this was before she passed away. Before we even moved here. It wouldn't have affected mil as we were planning something separate for that weekend with her. So I don't see why I would have needed to consult with her on a day when she wouldn't have been with us?

OP posts:
Sylvannas · 21/03/2017 11:27

There are alot of conflicting opinions here as is the case usually on MN however the general consensus here is to get out and get your own place. As soon as you can.
In the meantime it's definitely worth sitting your in laws down. Have a heart to heart. They probably do come from a place of love and is the case with bereavement..they may not know how to help you. If you just tell them what you had planned, why it means so much to you. That it's helping keep you distracted etc. They will realise what you need.

Sometimes when there's a bereavement, people don't know how to make you feel better. Do we tread on eggshells not bringing anything up? Do we take responsibilities caring for DD off your hands? Or would you like us to bring it up alot to check how you are? Your in laws won't know unless you let them know what you need right now. Sit them down and have a heart to heart.

I do feel given the hard emotional times that the OP is going through I think some of these posters here are giving her a really hard time considering, some it seems projecting their own circumstances onto the situation. For someone who's lost their mother, who she was very clearly close to and is obviously going through a really hard time with many life changes and uncertainties. It's easy to sit behind a screen and be holier than though. Shame on you!

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 11:54

I'm going to talk to mil as she was so approchable about the cake. She has even pulled her face about how ott fil is going with the garden stuff. I will explain about the bike and how much it means that we buy it.

I am trying to find us somewhere else asap. Dh still wants to see what happens about social housing and where we are priority wise as we have already put the application in and citizens advice think we will be a priority. However, if something suitable came up then I'm sure he would be more open to private renting

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 21/03/2017 12:28

I think sylvannas has put it well.

sunshinesupermum · 21/03/2017 12:31

'The only thing you can do is put up with him or move out. You won't change his behaviour.'

This. In spades.

sunshinesupermum · 21/03/2017 12:36

The daft thing about the 'first' of anything when children are so young, in this case one year old, is that the child will not know/remember who bought/gave them their first anything.

You're really unhappy with your FiL's behaviour OP - just move out ASAP for everyone's sake.

Astro55 · 21/03/2017 13:52

is that the child will not know/remember who bought/gave them their first anything

Yes but the parents will know and resent the fact that it was taken away from them -

Why would PIL put themselves in a position knowing DS and DDIL will be and are offended by there arrogance?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 14:19

Yes dd won't know who bought it for her. But I will. And a bike/trike is something that myself and dh want to buy. We expressed that to fil and he's still insisting on doing so himself. To me that's more spiteful than anything I have even said about him.

OP posts:
Introvertedbuthappy · 21/03/2017 14:26

But why does it matter? Surely if you and your partner are strapped for cash he'll be able to get a higher spec one which will be lovely for your DD? You will be the one getting the benefit regardless.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 14:33

She's not going to need an amazingly high spec bike for her first one. It matters because we have told him that we want to buy it and he is going against our wishes! We have always said from the beginning that we want and were excited to buy her first bike for her

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 21/03/2017 14:38

The chances are you won't be living with them by the time she needs a new bike so just tell them that you'll get the bike you want and if they still want to get one they can keep it at their house.

wannabestressfree · 21/03/2017 14:54

This is going to sound mean but surely if you have had to leave two properties for lack of rent a bike (which she won't know who has paid for) will be a help. I get that you feel narky about her 'firsts' but it's another £100 toward a deposit.

Swings and roundabouts.

Introvertedbuthappy · 21/03/2017 15:00

I bet the toy companies are all laughing themselves to the bank with some families arguing who gets to be the one to spend the exorbitant amounts of money on them...

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 15:05

We weren't planning on buying a bike yet and we will surely be in our own place by the time Christmas or her next birthday rolls around (whether it's social housing or private rented) so a deposit won't be an issue by then.

If we want to buy this for her then we will and I think fil is being incredibly rude to insist on doing so when he have said that it is something that we want to do.

Some of you seem to be forgetting that it's a lot of things that have built up in the short time that we have been here. I'm not just being like this for the sake of it. I'm fed up of fil trying to take over and this is yet another example of him doing so. Why, when he knows how much we want to do this, would he insist on doing so himself?

OP posts: