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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't cope living with the in laws

280 replies

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 21:19

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 09:08

I have a camera and I was going to do it myself not pay for a shoot

OP posts:
rookiemere · 18/03/2017 09:13

I really think it would be worth you investigating private rental options. If nothing else it's a free activity that gets you out of the house Grin.

You might be pleasantly surprised by the costs and presumably you can still stay on the council list if you're renting privately.
Also perhaps ILs will tone down their behaviour if they know that it's pushing you to the point of wanting to move out asap.

Redlocks28 · 18/03/2017 09:14

Oh right-a photoshoot implied you would be paying for it.

I think you are making a huge deal about all this and just need to move out asap.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 09:14

Sorry if that sounded really short, she will be 1 in just under 4 weeks time.

I just wanted to do something special with her that couldn't be taken away from me. And I thought doing the cake smash would be nice as I have the camera already and it's all stuff that I already have in and would take minimal costs for a few decorations and ingredients.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 09:16

Redlocks I do agree that we need to be out of here asap. I wish dh would agree to us trying to find somewhere sooner rather than waiting for social housing

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 18/03/2017 09:16

A cake smash is fine. I'm not quite sure why you would have to explain it to your in laws though?

rookiemere · 18/03/2017 09:21

So start looking at housing options yourself. Your DH isn't the only one with an opinion on where you live.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 09:27

Mil will want to know why I'm baking and icing a cake.

I know it probably sounds petty, but, I think what's upsetting me too is that I had chosen someone to make dd's birthday cake with my mum. We hadn't decided on a theme for it. But we had spent a good amount of time choosing someone to make it. And all of that has been taken away from me. I've had no input in it at all. Mil has just ordered a Peppa Pig cake in the flavour that she likes, not what anyone else likes

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 18/03/2017 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FourToTheFloor · 18/03/2017 09:35

It's tough, we are all generally a bit precious with our first born and the 1st birthday is a big deal. IL wanted to celebrate dd2 1st birthday nearly 3 weeks before because it suited them and I just said no, she wouldn't be 1 so no cake.

Also my FIL used to sort of shunt me out of the way with pram that one day I lost my rag and pulled him up severely on it. Dh agreed that it was the right thing and I wasn't out of line.

Thing is I really like my IL, they are lovely and helpful and adore their dgc. I just needed to draw my line that I was comfortable with. I'm sure they weren't overly impressed in the beginning but it's fine now.

You can be assertive without being rude. Not the same but they live in a different country so we have to stay with them when we visit and we holiday away with them too.

Next time FIL sings a different song say very clearly 'we're not singing that song'. Pull him up on it. If he kept going I would pick up dd and go to a different room.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 09:39

I don't understand how it would be rude as I don't plan on making the cake smash one on her actual birthday (sorry if I didn't explain that). Surely it's just as rude to order a birthday cake for someone else's child without even asking them for any input?

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 18/03/2017 09:44

I think you are being harsh sorry. Nothing you have mentioned would bother me. I think if you have that level of uncomfortableness then you need to find a private rental. Unless you are an extreme case- and you mentioned you hadn't even done your form- it's about a 2/3 year wait.

rookiemere · 18/03/2017 09:46

Pinklemonade - I totally get that you want to do something special for your DD on her first birthday and that this has been a tough time for you.

But really it does seem as if you're focusing on stuff that isn't important. If you were to move out then you'd not have this day to day interference - which does sound annoying, if well meant.

Failing that if you get a lot of activities on as suggested above there are pretty cheap/free council run ones and church ones, then you'll be out of the house a lot more and less annoyed by all of this.

The more energy you expend on being annoyed by ILs or planning things that your DD won't remember, then the less time you have to actually plan your future.

Notsandwiches · 18/03/2017 09:46

If your parents (when they were alive) did this would you be so annoyed?

Your daughter has no clue who is buying her this stuff. She will simply enjoy it.

Piehunter · 18/03/2017 09:48

I think that when you live in someone else's home (presumably for free) you kind of have to suck it up. Given that you mention emptying your own home you may need to look into the possibility that the council may consider you intentionally homeless, as you had a home and left it...I live in an area where there isn't a huge shortage of social housing but the wait unless you are being evicted by bailiffs is 6 months to a year, if you're near the top priority (which you are unlikely to be)

KarmaNoMore · 18/03/2017 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 09:52

The form has been done. It was done the first working day that we were here after we'd been to citizens advice. It can take up to 4 weeks for our application to be processed and we have just over a week until that 4 weeks is up.

Notsandwiches if my parents had done this then yes I would have still been annoyed.

rookiemere it's just the birthday stuff was things that I was looking forward to. It all seems to be coming in one go. My first mothers day as a mum and without my mum, then what should have been my mum's birthday and then dd's birthday. And I know I'm going to struggle, which is why I've been so focused on these little birthdau things to just try and distract myself

OP posts:
Gazelda · 18/03/2017 09:57

From your posts OP, our MiL sounds as though she means well, and is wanting to help you and your family during a difficult time.
Do you think you could say exactly as you wrote in your last paragraph? Tell her how difficult you feel the next few weeks might be for you emotionally, and that you want to distract yourself by making your DD's birthday as special as you can.

rollonthesummer · 18/03/2017 10:01

You spent ages planning a birthday cake and the theme etc only you didn't actually tell your MIL? She probably thought she was helping you out.

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/03/2017 10:04

I think it's their house, their rules.

If you want space and independence, you need to move out. Can they not look after DD while you work? I know you said you were DD's carer but they sound young enough and more than capable.

Has DH done much to find a job?

Astro55 · 18/03/2017 10:04

You know you can rent without DH don't you? If he's not on board then go looking for yourself - he maybe surprised!!

It would also annoy me! Letting someone live in your house does not give you rights to be overbearing and rude - it also doesn't make the OP ungrateful for wanting to be in charge of her own DD's birthday arrangements!!

OP bake the cake - it will give you some pleasure - and DD will enjoy it! We have similar pictures!!

Yes take her out the three of you - look at a zoo or indoor play area and go and enjoy the peace - just because you share a house doesn't mean to have to share everything it's suffercating - and yes find your voice and tell FIL 'do you mind?'

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 10:14

rollonthesummer we were living in Wales at the time. We weren't actually going to be here on dd's birthday. We were going to be coming here for the weekend to spend a couple of days with them.

Hermione mil works full time and fil is diabetic and would not want to look after dd on his own

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 10:29

Karma, the cake I'm making will be for dd's cake smash, which won't be on her birthday so there won't be the issue of having 2 cakes on the same day. Mil hasn't really thought of anyone else in doing this. She has gone for something that she would like and to hell with anyone else (particularly dh as he doesn't like jam and she's chosen that as a filling).

It honestly seems like some people just expect me to suck it up because we currently live under their roof Sad

OP posts:
lizzyj4 · 18/03/2017 10:31

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum OP, it sounds as if you have a lot of very difficult 'firsts' coming up.

I don't mean this unkindly, but perhaps if you thought about the situation from your PIL's perspective it would help you to see things in a different way. It isn't easy having adult children (and their partners) living with you - your house is no longer your own, etc. Even with grandchildren, much as we love them, it's nice to be able to hand them back to their parents at the end of the day. I've been in this situation from the other side (although, fortunately, I have a big house so it would be unfair to say we were under each other's feet). Even with a lot of space, it takes some level of tolerance and stepping back on both sides.

It sounds as if your PIL are trying their best and helping to give your daughter a lovely first year. All she knows is she is surrounded by people who love her and always has someone to play with.

And as others have said, if you really can't tolerate it (and it does sound intense), you both need to get jobs and ship out as soon as you can. Waiting for a council house might take years.

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/03/2017 10:32

But I don't think you can really tell adults what to do in their own home - especially when it doesn't sound like you pay them anything to live there.

If you want space, independence and control (which is normal and natural) you need to live independently. I don't mean that to sound harsh - it can't be easy but you can't expect independence autonomy under someone else's roof.