can't cope living with the in laws

[pinklemonade84]

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term

Oh god you won't move on will you pink - I was not mocking you over the smash cake - I only gave the explanation because someone on the thread asked what it was. You are determined that I was mocking you when this was not the case. Why would I - I simply told the poster what it entailed and gave my opinion - I didn't mention you. Are you a tad paranoid? Yes ok I might have been sarcastic but it's the only way I could deal with this nonsense about the Peppa Pig cake and MIL choosing the flavours she liked and choosing jam and dh doesn't like jam. Just seemed so ridiculous.

OK back to housing. Have you looked at the SHELTER website where there is a plethora of information, or you can phone them for advice. I think you definitely need to make an appointment with your local housing authority (the Shelter website tells you want to take) and find out whether they are going to help you. It might have to come to ILs stating that they are unwilling to have you living with them and then you would technically be homeless and might be offered temporary accommodation. Don't move straight to looking at private rent before you've been to the Housing Dept.

Can I ask you about the house you vacated - presumably this was a private rent and you were paying the rent from your own funds - is that right? Did you think of staying put and claiming Housing Benefit and other benefits until DH got a job. Is this something the owner of the property would have agreed with? I know it's water under the bridge but it's certainly something the LHA will want to know, to determine whether you were intentionally or unintentionally homeless. Would the owner be willing to tell the LHA that he/she was not prepared to accept housing benefit.

YES I remember your other thread and your MIL sounded horrendous and DH is a mommy's boy - and you weren't getting on well at the time. Why on earth would you move to live with them -you could have applied for housing on the basis of homelessness where you were living or claimed HB on the rented place you were in.

I do wonder if you are given to exaggeration as the way you described your MIL in that other thread was indeed the MIL from hell and yet now it's FIL that's the problem.

I think you need to be grateful that the ILs have provided a roof over your head, and save some money (if DH gets a job) and compromise - you want others to be in your shoes for a while, but you're not showing any willingness to think about what it's like to be in IL's shoes - it's a 2 way street and in your position you need to concentrate on the important issues (housing and jobs- claiming benefits) not cakes and trikes when DD is not even one year old yet!

The house we vacated, yes we were paying from our own funds. However the landlords would not accept housing benefit. So we decided to come over here as there was more chance of dh finding a job too as where we were was EXTREMELY rural.

I saw a marked improvement in mil when she lost her own father at the beginning of december. And she has been incredibly supportive since we moved in here. I don't know if it's because she understands what I'm going through.

I'll get onto the Shelter website tonight once I've put dd to bed so I can have a proper look. Thank you for the recommendation Catrina

If the landlord wouldn't accept HB and neither of you were in work, I can't see that you could be perceived as being intentionally homeless. And you definitely in priority need by virtue of having a child and have local connections. Is the ILs house their own? BUT you are in suitable accommodation and on that basis they are unlikely to see you as homeless. As I said you may need the ILs to say that you can no longer stay with them - I know it's a bit underhand but needs must sometimes. Mind they know that this happens and call them in for interview to explain their position, which legally they should not be doing this, but they say that they have to make their own investigations into your application for housing, which is true.

What about furniture and white goods - are they in storage or was the house furnished. Is DH a skilled worker s you're going to need funds aren't you, either to save while you're with ILs or to furnish a property.

Glad you're going to look at SHELTER - don't be put off by their first page that is asking for donations! You can phone them but sometimes have to wait as they are very busy but there's nothing they don't know about housing and if you tell them your situation they will give you a idea of where you stand. You could also look in the local paper (providing you want to stay in the area) at private rents which should give you an idea of the costs. A local estate agent will also give you an idea of the going rate for rents. Thing is if DH hasn't got a job you will need to claim HB and some landlords won't take tenants who are dependent on HB, especially those using an estate agent.

The :LHA in some areas have lists of landlords who will in fact let property to HB claimants.

All of our furniture etc is being stored in mil and fil's garage. So we have everything we need for a house thankfully, which means we won't have that expense when we move out.

As silly as it might sound, I would prefer to go for private rented accomodation. The main reason being, it would mean we would be able to get our place sooner. Also, I really don't think we will be that much of a priority to be housed as quickly as I would hope, which is understandable. It also means we could be a bit more selective about which area of the town we head to (I'd like to try and aim for the part where a few of the baby groups are based instead of aiming for the same estate as mil and fil).

For a 2 bedroom private rented in this area we would need to pay a little bit towards the rent from what I can see as the maximum housing benefit we can claim is £525 and the average price of a house is £550