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Original poster

can't cope living with the in laws

280 replies

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 21:19

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term Sad

OP posts:
Sylvannas · 21/03/2017 08:37

GPS should be able to spoil their GC.
Having said that I always check with my sister when buying things for my nephew. If anything else I want to make sure she's not already getting him the present I want to get him.
He would be much happier having 2 different presents rather than 2 of the same.

My parents check with me and sis before buying big presents, not because we've asked them to. They want to make sure they aren't already getting the same present from another family member. It's not precious or 'the rules'. It's just courtesy and common sense.

...cake CakeGrin

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:38

She doesn't want to be there though does she? So what if she's ungrateful.. I lived with my mil and you know what I wasn't grateful at the time either.

Her relationship will improve with pil once she is out and she will reflect and be grateful then.

I assume you are a grandparent having your second stab at parenting.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:39

So what if she's ungrateful

God, how grim.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:39

No I'm not suggesting that I'm suggesting they should of let OP and her partner buy the big stuff or checked first and listened to the answers they were given rather then doing what the hell they want.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 08:40

Why are we not allowed to have the joy of buying dd her first trike/bike? Why, because we're living under their roof, should we back away from what we want to do just to allow them to do it instead?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:41

esmaesmomma:

But the OP wasn't buying those items.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:42

Might be grim but right now it's true.. living in someone else's house when you have a child is horrible it makes you feel inferior.

She will be grateful to them once she is out and she has time to clear her head but they really ought to back off a bit they can love their granddaughter without throwing money around.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:42

OP, like I say, I don't think it is unreasonable at all to want to buy the bike yourselves. But it isn't just the bike you're objecting to. You seem to have a problem with everything he does and you don't sound in any way grateful for his kindnesses. It's not very nice to read tbh.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:43

No because she doesn't have her own house yetHmm

wannabestressfree · 21/03/2017 08:43

Your post esmae is everything that's wrong with society. They did do a kind thing and she is creating friction where it doesn't need to be. I know it must be hard as she is grieving but she hasn't said anything that makes me think the gps are in the wrong. She is a baby....,

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:46

esmaesmomma:

And despite not having her own house, so nowhere to put big items, she should object to the GPS wanting her DD to have these things to play with? Isn't that a bit bitter and twisted?

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:46

They did a kind thing by taking them in but now taking over with all the presents and the child's birthday that isn't kind to the op or her dp.

My mil took over loads of things including getting poo in dds belly button clip because she wanted to give dd her first bath. Some things should be left to the parents perhaps the op would be a lot warmer to them if that was the case. I don't think she's picking at everything they do I think it's all these things combined are way over the top.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:49

esmaesmomma:

But the OP is picking over everything - look how many different complaints!

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:53

If she wanted her to have these things to play with right now she would of bought them failing that there are enough local parks around where her and dp could take their daughter. I don't have my own garden and I want dd to have a swing and slide shall I just buy one and plonk on the road outside? Nope. I take her to the park and when I move if I'm fortunate to have a garden I will buy those items. I think it's more of a combination of that, the birthday cake and now the bike. The IL are being a bit mean to the OP and denying her the chance to buy her daughter her first bike.

OP I am interested to know when you do move if you have a garden are your ILs wanting you to take these items with you?

Sylvannas · 21/03/2017 08:54

she hasn't said anything that makes me think the gps are in the wrong.

Really? Wow!

So the FIL asking about the funeral song and immediately singing it? Or the insistence of buying something the OP had made it clear she was going to buy? How about when OP is singing to DD and FIL tryst to sing something else louder than her.

This screams to me someone who wants to be the one in control. Considering all the OP has been through it seems a little more sensitivity towards her feelings is the absolute least that needs to happen.

Appreciate it's hard when you live in someone else's house but as grateful as you may be, if someone was constantly doing those things to me in that situation I'd be very upset too.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:55

I see how many complaints but I also see that this is everything that has added up chances are she wouldn't of complained about the cake had it not been for the swing and the slide or she wouldn't be complaining about the bike had it not been for the cake and the swing/slide.

Things to add up eventually.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:56

At last someone who is talking some sense!

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:57

esmaesmomma:

Seriously, you think it's actually a bad thing for them to put toys in their garden for their granddaughter to play with? You seriously believe they should also give them to the OP, rather than have them there for when she comes round?

Some parents seem genuinely bitter and so oddly jealous of their parents and in-laws! I understand when someone is really being unkind but buying some garden toys is just, well...nice, isn't it?

Itmustbemyage · 21/03/2017 09:01

Wow Esmae some of your comments.
I previously posted as I am a PIL in this situation I would be absolutely devastated if my son's partner was on here saying some of this stuff about me. Not feeling even a little bit grateful to a bit Ott kind people who are putting a roof over your child's head?
Depending on the area you live in , certainly in mine, if the OP's PIL had not let them stay and they were therefore homeless they would be placed in emergency accommodation which is a room in a bed and breakfast. No room for any big toys or access to a garden, problem solved?

Sylvannas · 21/03/2017 09:01

I don't think it's a jealousy thing at all. Buying garden toys in itself is a lovely thing to do.

The OP is probably seeing this as them trying to take over considering all the other things they are doing. If they hadn't done these other things..she'd probably be looking at the situation differently.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 09:02

It's not just about the garden toys though. It's about everything he has done since we have been here. He always has to be the centre of attention. So whether it's showing off with how much money he spends, singing over me, or trying to distract dd when I'm playing with her, as long as he is the one everyone is focusing on he doesn't care! Why does it make me bitter when I object (on here, not to his face) about that?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 09:04

And I am grateful to them for taking us in, so much more than some of you seem to think I am! But it doesn't give them the right to take over snd push me out

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:07

pinklemonade84:

Okay, well, look, all this is only my opinion but to me, you sound bitter despite their obvious kindness in taking you in. The combination of stuff he does sounds full on but certainly not designed to upset or annoy you. He is probably just excited about being a grandad. You obviously don't like him. I suggest moving out of his house?

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:09

Itmustbemyage:

Exactly. If it wasn't for this controlling, overbearing, showy off man, the OP and her DD would have nowhere to put a bike! However many times she claims to be grateful she doesn't sound grateful at all. She sounds like she hates her the bloke.

NerrSnerr · 21/03/2017 09:09

Honestly OP, it's just not working. It sounds like your FIL needs to be in control and have the attention and quite rightly that pisses you off. I very much doubt anything will change his behaviour so you'll have to put up with it or move out. My step dad is the same, I would rather cut off my arm then live with him.

I honestly think waiting for social housing is unfair on everyone. You or your husband need to find work (he can be your daughter's carer if you find work first) so you can get independent as soon as possible.

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