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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't cope living with the in laws

280 replies

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 21:19

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term Sad

OP posts:
esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 09:10

I also didn't say I expect them to give her the suit either.. triffle you just read what you want.

It's not bitter either she has every right to object to some of this stuff and like someone else said if the other things hadn't of happened then she would see some of the other things a different way.

In all honesty if I had to do my time again I would rather go to emergency accommodation then live with my mil or my dad again. And yes I know what emergency accommodation is like I have had friends stay in them.

We all get on much better now we aren't under each other's feet.

HateSummer · 21/03/2017 09:12

Eurgh. Sorry, just read page one and can't carry on: Cake smash photo shoot? What a waste of money and food. There are people dying of starvation in the world, have you even heard about what's happening in East Africa at the moment? But you want to make a cake for your baby to annihilate. Reading shit like this makes me so angry.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 09:18

Are you being serious? I sound bitter? Why? Because I'm upset at being pushed out? Because I don't want fil to buy something that I was looking forward to buying? Because I think he's going ott just so he can show off?

OP posts:
esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 09:18

The OP never said she doesn't like her FIL you can dislike the stuff someone does without actually disliking them.

OP things will improve once you're out my MIL admits she took over when we lived there and apologised for it we talk about stuff now and either agree or disagree when it comes to big stuff like birthday I make it
Clear overall what I want and I let her choose bits and pieces so she can feel part of it all and she loves that.

My dad is the same he admits he interfered way too much in the beginning but has slowly learnt to tone things down. The way you feel is temporary you do need to tell them if their overstepping you should just say thank you for the offer but I would really like to buy her first bike but perhaps you can help me pick it out.. you would be surprised how well that works

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 09:20

You don't sound bitter these people are more then likely grandparents themselves. Sometimes it's seems like kindness but if it comes the expense of the parents feelings it's not all that kind.

DaisyDrip · 21/03/2017 09:21

TrifleorbustThe parents should ALWAYS have the final say on what goes for their child. Buying your baby their first xx is so important and special. Also this baby is the OP's first which makes it more special. I am a mother and a grandmother and I would never dream of stepping on my DC toes by buying something they wanted to for THEIR child!

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:22

I am being serious. Please don't pay attention to me, though. This is your situation. My only advice to you is to either move out or put up with it, but try to shine a kinder light on things like him decorating the house and buying toys. He will be doing this to be kind, not horrible.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 09:23

HateSummer yes I am aware and that's why I donated what I could to the oxfam appeal

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:26

DaisyDrip:

I think the whole 'THEIR child' thing is hysteria, frankly. I have a baby girl. Anything to do with feeding, sleeping, medicine, values etc - totally up to me and DH, no-one else gets a say. Certain things (like, fair enough, her first bike) we will want to do ourselves. But I am not going to hover over her, fending off gift-givers and imagining people are putting up banners to spite me. People love her, that's great and life is too short.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 09:27

Nobody is saying it isn't kind but when it's all together it's a bit much.

I feel for op like her my own mother passed away that strains relationships with IL anyway it's nobody's fault but certain feelings arise it does make you want to be more independent you don't have your own parent to lean on any more so you don't want to lean on someone else's. all totally normal feelings but they cause a lot of pain.

When people start taking over with your child you feel powerless and pushed out.

DaisyDrip · 21/03/2017 09:29

Trifleorbust The OP is not hovering and has said over and over how grateful she is to her PIL. However, her FIL in particular seems intent on riding roughshod over her wishes, that is unacceptable. Would you like it if your views re your DD were totally ignored and what you didn't want was done anyway

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:33

DaisyDrip:

I wouldn't like it. But that only appears to have happened on a couple of occasions (the bike and I can't think of another one). Singing songs and buying presents, whilst it might fall under the heading 'a bit OTT', isn't the same as ignoring the OP's stated wishes.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:36

Anyway, as I say, that's only my opinion. Good luck, OP.

DaisyDrip · 21/03/2017 09:39

Trifleorbust I don't think the OP would be on here as frustrated as she is if it was only once or twice. I think it's also worth baring in mind, it's not that long ago she lost her own mum and is probably feeling very delicate and fragile yet her PIL don't seem to be accepting of that either. Yes, they love their DGD that seems to be a given, however they (FIL) is going way, way over what a grandparent should and undermining this babies parents - that is wrong!

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:45

DaisyDrip:

Ooh I think that's a bit harsh, isn't it? 'Going way, way over what a grandparent should' because he wants to buy gifts and sing songs? Hmm. And what should they be doing WRT the OP's grief? Horrible that she lost her mum (and I can see why this might affect her) but what have they done wrong on that front?

DaisyDrip · 21/03/2017 09:52

Trifleorbust No not harsh at all. Read the relationship board and all of the issues with parents and in-laws. It gets to the point where in-laws are cut of from children and grandchildren so better to listen to the DGC parents than cry you can't see them later.

With bereavement, I don't think it's hard to be a bit understanding and give a little space. Going around singing the same song that was played at the OP's mum's funeral just after asking if that song was played at the funeral, is not appropriate and highly insensitive.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:55

DaisyDrip:

Oh god, I know! Some absolute horrors out there. I just don't see this that way. I can't see that he has overstepped in the way some do when they are interfering with breastfeeding, co-sleeping, re-naming etc!

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 09:56

And yes, singing the song probably was insensitive. Maybe he thought she would find it comforting, I don't know.

DaisyDrip · 21/03/2017 10:00

Trifleorbust Ok, I give up, you can find an excuse for everything this man does, I can't. I find his actions unforgivable and support the OP 100% you don't, that's fine.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 10:01

unforgivable

Oh dear. This is what I mean. He sounds a bit annoying, not like a heinous bastard.

Introvertedbuthappy · 21/03/2017 10:03

How awful that a grandparent would want to buy things for and spend the with their grandchild while their adult son and DIL live with them rent free. What utter shits they are...
OP I am sorry you lost your mother, I really am. But you are so lucky to have PILs that care about your child. My parents/MIL can never be bothered to attend their grandchildren's birthdays - my parents didn't get my 1 year old anything at Christmas 'as he won't remember'. I would be so so happy if any of them showed even an inkling of love towards them and got excited to get a cake and banners etc. MIL goes overboard with presents (she is just often busy with friends/holidays) and I love it - it means we get to save our money to do other fun things or pay bills! All first bikes, scooters etc have been bought be her - I always feel quite jammy actually as we're the ones who get to see the enjoyment of it, without having to pay the price to match!

Sylvannas · 21/03/2017 10:03

No body called him a 'heinous bastard' ...

Bit OTT trifle

DaisyDrip · 21/03/2017 10:04

Trifleorbust Unforgivable and heinous b are miles and miles different. A heinous b kills children, the actions of the OP are unforgivable.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 10:17

Sylvannas:

'Unforgivable' sounds a bit like that to me. Dreadful language to describe a man whose worst fault, as far as I can see, is to be a bit tactless towards the DIL living for free in his home.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 10:20

He wants to buy gifts and sing songs? No. He wants to show off and take over. The singing, I could be singing a song from her old swimming lessons and he will start singing something totally different right over me. Of course I'm going to find it annoying.

OP posts:
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