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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can't cope living with the in laws

280 replies

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 21:19

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term

OP posts:

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 17/03/2017 21:21

God what bastards. Letting you live there and taking an interest in your DD.

Dieu · 17/03/2017 21:23

Seriously, I would find it hard to get worked up about any of this. I know other posters will disagree though. Presumably she's the first grandchild and they are excited about her birthday, and having her to stay.

I am sorry about your mum though.

KarmaNoMore · 17/03/2017 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dudsville · 17/03/2017 21:25

I think there's another issue you're not naming. Your daughters grandparents are being loving. You lost your mother and are now living with his parents. Anything in that?

KatharinaRosalie · 17/03/2017 21:26

um...you're really hurt because grandpa wants to buy your DD a slide and a seesaw? Because..?

Littlepeople12345 · 17/03/2017 21:27

They sound excited to have you all there.

What a great grandad he sounds to want your Dd to have lovely garden toys.

The cake thing would upset me but maybe talk to your MIL and ask if you can have some input.

You might be there ages so let the small stuff go.

Dieu · 17/03/2017 21:29

The baby won't give a shit about the cake, so why would anyone else? I never understand these posts, but quite willing to accept that others would feel annoyed by it.

BakeOffBiscuits · 17/03/2017 21:30

She should have asked you about the cake, but apart from that I really can't see a problem. My MIL did this to me several times, but in the end I decided to just let her get in with it. I did other special things- you can do the same and DO NOT tell your ILs what you have planned.

It isn't going to be forever so if I were you I'd enjoy the extra attention your dd is getting and let them get on with it.

NerrSnerr · 17/03/2017 21:31

They can buy whatever toys they want for their garden and when you get your own place you can put what you like in your own garden. Have you and your husband found work yet because I'm wondering if part of the issue is you're all under each other's feet?

It is really kind of them to let you all live with them- it's a huge thing having another family live in your home.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 21:54

I'm upset because the swing was bought for her birthday. And then because we added a couple of sentimental items (we were talking about it between ourselves and he overheard) he's suddenly decided to add another 2 large (and expensive) items.

Dh is trying to find work. I'm a carer for our dd at the moment as she is epileptic and there's no one for us to leave her with.

Fil gets a lot of time to play with dd. I take a big step back a lot of the time as I do understand he's excited to be able to spend so much time with her. But he always comes and takes over when I'm playing with her on my own (which isn't all that often), which is frustrating

OP posts:

2017SoFarSoGood · 17/03/2017 22:05

Sorry about your mom OP - you've had a lot of changes to deal with in quite a short time it seems. However, your in laws actually sound lovely - kind, generous and loving. All fine, but anything is too much when living in each other's pockets.

Can you take DD to the park or the library or for a long walk every day? Make it just time for the two of you. That might help enough for you feel connected again while you wait for the housing to get sorted.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 22:13

Please don't get me wrong. I'll never be able to thank them enough for letting us stay here while we sort out our own place. I just can't take the taking over.

I've been trying to get out as much as possible. I've even signed dd up to a messy play session that we start after easter. And I'm looking at maybe starting Jo Jingles too as she loves being sung to. Plus we're hoping to go swimming once a week too. But whenever I talk about these ideas with dh, fil will start rolling his eyes and huffing and puffing. It's honestly like he expects us to stay in all day everyday and do nothing

OP posts:

rookiemere · 17/03/2017 22:22

Didn't you post an identical thread a week or two ago ?

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 22:30

I posted in aibu yes. And things have pretty much carried on. Though fil has increased the frequency of how much he takes over when I am playing with dd. I just needed to rant. Normally if we were visiting and I was struggling, I would be able to message my mum and vent to her, but obviously that isn't possible now

OP posts:

Catrina1234 · 17/03/2017 23:42

I'm glad you're appreciative of your ILs letting you live with them. They are clearly very excited at being GPs (and I know the feeling....) and in their day babies didn't go off to messy play sessions and JoJingles and swimming etc so FIL won't get it. I think MIL over stepped the mark a bit with the cake but she was well intentioned I'm sure.

I don't know where you are in the country of course but social housing is about as rare as hen's teeth because nothing has been built for years on end. SO you could have a very long wait. And because there aren't enough social housing LHAs are having to house tenant in private rented property. BUT again you won't be seen as a priority as you have a roof over your head. I think your best bet is to try to find a private rented flat or house - don't know what your financial situation is, but you could apply for Housing Benefit to help with the rent, You will need a deposit (usually 4 weeks) so probably £500/£600 dependent upon the rent on the property and 4 weeks rent in advance.
Is your DP working - if not,sometimes the LHA will loan you the deposit and 4 weeks rent in advance.

rollonthesummer · 17/03/2017 23:49

Your in laws actually sound fine.

If you are not earning at all and are so skint that you need to live with your in laws (which you clearly hate) you don't go to Joe Jingles! It was really expensive ten years ago when I went. Go to the park, go for a work, go to the library, find a playground, find a toddler group where you can go for the morning for £1. If there's a Joe Jingles group you can get to-there must be other stuff nearby that is free or very cheap.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 23:58

We're living here because we first had to empty my mum's house and then our own. We had no chance to actually look for anywhere before we relocated! And I didn't say that I was definitely going to Jo Jingles, I said I was looking into it (for something extra to get us out of the house).

To me there is a difference between being well intentional and excited about having a granddaughter live in your house for a while, to taking over and pushing out your dil at every possible opportunity. Funny how fil doesn't do this when dh is playing with dd

OP posts:

Letseatgrandma · 18/03/2017 00:16

If you don't like it-you have time now to find your own house to live in.

Hidingtonothing · 18/03/2017 00:19

I do understand how you feel OP but, having had to move in with family myself at one point, I think you have to expect a degree of interference and a loss of autonomy when you're living under someone else's roof. I found it easier to live with (and find ways round) once I accepted that was how it was going to be, ultimately you can't change someone else's behaviour especially when it's their house.

The way I dealt with it was to try to avoid the particular scenarios that wound me up and I made a conscious effort not to let certain things (like FIL's eye rolling and huffing) get to me. So in your case, assuming you have your own room, play with DD in there with the door closed, get out as much as possible so you're around PIL's less and stop discussing things you're planning for DD in front of them so there's less opportunities for them to 'compete' about stuff like presents.

As far as the birthday cake is concerned I would probably just go ahead and do whatever you'd planned to do irrespective of PIL's having ordered one. If they mention it just say you were planning it all along and maybe it would be a good idea if you all discussed things like that in future so you don't end up duplicating. That way you're pointing out that they overstepped the mark but without any unpleasantness, you do all have to live together after all.

The things I found helped me were repeatedly telling myself it wasn't forever and that I was incredibly lucky my family were willing to let me stay, retaining some sort of independent life so I didn't feel too claustrophobic and being politely assertive about certain boundaries and decisions so I didn't end up seething with resentment. You can be grateful for someone's help and still stand up for yourself, you just have to do it nicely.

Overall I think you just have to decide in your own mind to make the best of a less than ideal situation and try to rise above the more minor irritations of sharing space with people. It's not as easy as all that obviously but it can be done, a lot of it is making a conscious choice to make the best of it and finding ways to avoid the situations which wind you up the most.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 00:32

Our room isn't particularly big. It just about fits our bed, dd's cot and our chest of drawers in. But I will try and fetch her upstairs with a few toys to play with. I don't expect to be centre of her attention all of the time as she adores her grandparents and I do enjoy seeing them play together (she's very cute with mil). But, the muscling in is so extreme. I can be singing to dd and fil will start singing a different song as loud as he can over me. Or I will be playing with her with some toys and he will come and shove something else in her face to distract her.

Dh wants to hold out for social housing as he thinks this will be more affordable. Though I think if things carry on the way they are doing, he might be more open to discussing other options

OP posts:

adagio · 18/03/2017 00:52

Not sure how you are fixed in your area, but where I am there are very cheap or free groups every day of the week at churches - I have found one every day in walking distance. (I consider anything up to 25 Mins walking distance) Tend to be baptist/evangelical/ Methodist churches. I am not religious and font go to church - these groups are open to all.
If I was you I would get out more, but without any outlay. If you get out for a long walk at nap time having checked google maps first you can do a walk by of any local church halls to look for posters on notice boards, you can also see if the churches have websites once you know their names.
Good luck.

Hidingtonothing · 18/03/2017 00:52

I think that helps too, knowing that you can change course and look to get out of there quicker if it all gets too much. That does sound annoying with FIL, I won't pretend to understand what motivates him to do that but my strategy would definitely be to limit his opportunities to do it.

It was my DP's we moved in with and while DM is really easy to live with DSF certainly isn't! He's one of those people who likes to be deliberately awkward and/or obstructive so, once I'd sussed the scenarios he was likely to make use of, I tried my best to avoid them. It felt like hard work to start with but was worth the effort to keep my blood pressure down

I think it's really hard living with family in this kind of set up, it's an adjustment for you all and there's probably things about the situation that irritate your PIL's too, it really is a case of making the best of a bad job until you can get a place of your own.

We'll be here for you to let off steam to on bad days but there's definitely ways to make it more bearable. Good luck OP and I hope it's not too long before you can move on

rollonthesummer · 18/03/2017 08:42

Is there much in the way of social housing round there? There certainly isn't here.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 18/03/2017 08:52

I don't know to be honest. It's something dh wants to try before looking into private renting or a letting agent.

I'm trying to think of some special things I can do for dd's birthday. I think I'm going to make a cake as I want to do a cake smash photo shoot with her. And if mil asks why, I will be telling her that I had originally planned on making dd's birthday cake.

I've said to dh that I want to get out for a couple of hours just the three of us on her birthday. It's going to be a really emotional day. The fact that we tried for so long for her (5 years). And the fact that my mum won't be here to celebrate with us. So I think some space for the three of us will be good

OP posts:

Redlocks28 · 18/03/2017 09:01

How old is your daughter? I presume not very old if she is still in a cot?

If you are not earning any money and are forced to live with your in laws whilst you wait to see if you get social housing, I wonder whether paying for a cake smash photo shoot is a good use of funds?

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