can't cope living with the in laws

[pinklemonade84]

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term

Just tell you've already sorted the cake. Yes, they're putting you up but they're stepping all over entirely reasonable boundaries. You can't stop them outspending you (although upstaging your child and his wife when they've got no cash is not classy) but you can ignore the huffing and puffing over music classes. Carve out some space for you and your DD away from them or you will go quite quite mad. In fact there will be lots of church / community playgroups, you could have one on every day if you looked

Sorry about your lovely mum. There seems to be a bit of an empathy bypass on this thread

I do understand that there will be a certain level of having to take a step back and believe me I do. I let them take over bath time (which they really enjoy as dd gets so excited and enjoys her bubbles). Dd spends a lot of time playing with them, it's not as if I hog all of her time. It's just that when I eventually try to take some time with her or I'm playing with her while fil is out of the room he will come rushing in to take over. And trying to take over her first birthday arrangements isn't particularly fair. She's mine and dh's daughter, not theirs

Oh dear OP I'm beginning to think you are a bit spiteful- all this fuss about a Peppa Pig case and DH not liking jam!! Who on earth bothers what the dad likes in a child's birthday cake. OK she should have mentioned it, but can't you just suck it up rather than cause tension when it's not necessary. I think those cake smashes are ridiculous but that's just me and I wonder if you're doing that to annoy them. They will certainly think it's really odd. I honestly don't know why you agreed to live with them - surely there were other options. You mention having to clear out your mother's house and your house, so there were in fact 2 properties that you could have lived in - why did you have to give up your house?

You say DH is holding out for social housing - might be a long wait. Do you not realise the scarcity of social housing and there are thousands of people on the waiting list. I think you have to bid for properties on line. The other thing is LHAs have to find homes for homeless people who are in priority need (because they have children or are elderly, vulnerable etc) and you have to BE homeless,not living with in laws! There are only around 25% of people renting social housing and 75% are in private rented property, excluding those buying their own property.

I think you need to get real about the housing situation as I think you'll have more to worry about than DH not liking jam in the Peppa Pig cake!! OK FIL sounds a pain, but you'll have to cope the best way you can and make plans to find a private rent (unless you can buy) as I think this is all going to end very badly the longer you stay with the ILs. I understand you are grieving for you mother and I'm sure that is affecting your present state of mind.

Peppa pig CAKE not case!

Who on earth bothers what the dad likes in a child's birthday cake

OP being thoughtful towards her husband - you know MIL son?

Nah - it's the OP having another dig at her MIL - are you bonkers Astro I must have been to hundreds of children's birthday parties over the years (I'm very old!) including making dozens of cakes for my own kids. The very last thing on my mind would be whether DH liked the filling and neither have I heard any dad be critical of a kid's birthday cake.However my heart goes out to this poor dad to discover when the Peppa Pig cake is cut that there's ..............JAM in the middle!. Horror of horrors - day ruined - dad flounces off to bedroom OR his slice could be cut in two lengthways and the jam taken out. Some butter icing could be made beforehand (assuming he likes that) and the slice of cake spread with butter icing - and two halves put back together.......................Ta da!! Phew - day saved after all!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, it sounds like they are starting yo take over, they had their chance at 1st birthdays etc with their own child and this is now a special occasion for you to plan for your child. Ordering a cake without asking is incredibly rude and overbearing, buying numerous outdoor toys for a 1 year old just sounds they are in competition with you.

They need to realise (be told) that you are the parent, you need to have time with your child without interference, it sounds like they are getting bath time and playtime but I'll bet you get the nap time, feeding, bedtime i.e. the not so fun bits of parenting. Living in someone else's house doesn't give them rights over your child, yes you should be grateful, which you are, but that doesn't mean you give up any say about your child or the way you want to live.

Given that you are grieving for your mum this must be making you more sensitive and instead of taking over they should be being careful to take your feelings into account, consult you on any decisions about cakes etc and generally be more sympathetic about how your life has been turned upside down - you have lost your mum, your home and it seems like now you are starting yo lose your child.

I would be upset about this, when my daughter was born my mil started to take over and it wound me up so much I fell out with her for a long time over it.

Catrina any need to be quite so nasty and sarcastic? So I'm being spiteful because I wanted to do a cake smash with dd (which I wanted to do before we even lost my mum), I couldn't care less whether you think they're ridiculous or not. And how exactly am I causing tension by doing this? I've not actually made mil feel bad about this cake that she's ordered because I don't want to create any bad feeling, despite her obviously not caring about my feelings. Mil said when she announced that she had ordered the cake that she had chosen the filling because SHE liked it, not because dd would like it (or anyone else for that matter). She didn't want to do something nice, she wanted to take over and be able to show off.

There weren't 2 properties that we could have lived in. My mum was severely disabled, she rented her property. We had her landlord turn up the day after the funeral (this was a wednesday) and inform us that he wanted us out by the end of the week, so obviously that wasn't an option for us. And we couldn't afford to keep our rented property going, so we made the decision to come to Cheshire, where we have "so called" family support! It wasn't a decision that was taken lightly. We made the best of an extremely bad situation. Yes, if we end up having to rent privately then that's what we will do. But we were advised by citizens advice that we would be a priority and to get the application in that day, which is why dh wants to wait and see what happens.

You don't seem to understand anything about me grieving for my mother otherwise you wouldn't have been so spiteful yourself! Because there was no need whatsoever to be so nasty and sarcastic.

Thank you Funnyfive, it makes a change to actually have someone who doesn't think I'm being unreasonable and who seems to get where I'm coming from. I'm actually upstairs with dd now as you're right, I do get naptimes, bedtime, feeding etc

I always knew when we moved in here that there would need to be a certain amount of compromise, that things wouldn't stay the same as they had done at home. But, I don't think it's fair for them to take over and push me out the way that they have done and continue to do.

Yes they're letting us live in their house, which is extremely generous of them. But, we do a lot of the cooking and cleaning to try and make things easier on them. We buy our own food. Just because we live under their roof, it doesn't give them free reign to just do as they please with our dd.

It's very early days though.....

Right now, your DH feels less pain than you. You can still be polite to the PILs and grateful for the roof over your heads while making damn sure that DH feels every bit of pain you feel so he feels the pressure to get your own place.

I suggest you find out how long people like you usually wait in your area. I expect you will need to rent privately if you want to leave before you go mad.

She's mine and dh's daughter, not theirs

But what you're forgetting is that she's their grand daughter.

You're living under their roof - no idea how much they're paying for you to live there, but they're still accommodating you all (which presumably is inconveniencing them to some degree?)

It sounds like they're trying to make your daughter have a lovely time. Why would you begrudge them that?

... plus they're also putting you up.

I'm sorry that you've lost your mum, it must be hard for you. But it doesn't sound like your PILs are unpleasant people. They just love your daughter. And what's wrong with that?

They just love your daughter. And what's wrong with that?

I love lots of people aunts uncles nephews friends - doesn't give me the right to mussel in and steal their thunder -

Best friends son is having a birthday party next week - shall I rock up with expensive gifts 100 balloons and order his cake? No? Smacks of saying BF isn't good enough doesn't it?

You missed a chance there really, you should've stayed in one of the properties until evicted, then you'd get some response from council for housing, although not necessitate where you wanted it as you've moved from one authority to another and one of them won't accept you a their responsibility, so you will now be very very low priority for social housing as you've got somewhere now, or could be classed as making self intentionally homeless, so you really need to get looking into private rented and tell your husband he's in dreamland if he expects anything to come up quickly in social housing, unless you're in a totally deadens area with empty site estates with spare housing!notherwise you really need to make peace with inlaws aa you'll likely be there for a very long time!

(Apologies for appalling lack of punctuation there, too many strong painkillers for neck injury! )

There's nothing wrong with them loving dd, but it doesn't give them the right to try and take over or to try and compete with what we have bought for her birthday.

We live together fine on a day to day basis. Like I've mentioned before we take as much off their hands as we can. They don't know that I feel this way because I understand what they're doing for us is a huge thing and wouldn't want to upset them. It's a shame they don't feel the same way when it comes to taking over and controlling her birthday celebrations

OP I totally agree with you. We moved in with mil for a while after my dd was born. Like you my dm passed away.

She was overbearing and took over its damaged mine and her relationship significantly in the end I broke down and told dp either we move out or it's over. You need to get your pil to kick you out as long as the council know their willing to have you in their house they will not house you.

I moved back to my dads and got my dad to throw me out and I was housed within weeks.

I sympathise whole heartedly OP. I can't imagine living with in laws again even though they are lovely people. I lived with them when I was pg and that was bad enough. I agree get them to kick you out or look into private renting. These things are things that wouldn't usually annoy you but probably as you need your own space you are noticing things that you could normally deal with and then leave.

So sorry for your loss too

I can be singing to dd and fil will start singing a different song as loud as he can over me.

I know exactly what you mean by this.

I'd tell your MIL you already had plans for the cake. No way would I let her take over.

Your FIL can buy as many garden toys as he wants. ..its not like DD even knows at her age.

You could be waiting a long time for social housing. .and that's if you're even eligible.

I'd be getting out of the house a lot. Your FIL sounds like hard work.

OP I really feel for you. You've just lost your mum, which is an awful thing to happen. I'm sure that even though your PIL have good intentions, it is hard to see them spending time with your DD when you're own mum is no longer around. It doesn't have to be logical, sometimes our feelings are not logical. I think more people on this thread should consider how hard it is to lose a parent before jumping on you.

I have also lived with my inlaws briefly and it was a really, really hard time and we didn't have a child then. Not because I don't love them, but because it's hard sharing small spaces with people when you're not used to it.

About the slide and swigs etc- I'd let it go. It's a lovely pr sent for your DD and she will enjoy it.

The cake - I understand you on this one. It doesn't really matter to the baby but it's your first, so it matters to you. Make one. And explain to MIL you are fine with the cake she ordered but you always wanted to make your own cake for her first birthday because it's a tradition.

Lots of love OP.

We used to stay with my in-laws just for holidays when our children were younger. Within a few days, I wanted to strangle MIL. She too would do things that on the surface sounded lovely and no doubt if I had been on Mumsnet and posted about them, I too would have been roasted. It's really tough living with other people at the best of times and this isn't the best of times for you.

OP, when you get word about your application, will there be more detail? If you knew how long the waiting list was, then perhaps you could put some plans in place for what will happen in the meantime.

Sometimes with my MIL, I would just make a determined effort to not let her get to me. It was imperfect, but could make me temporarily feel better. I know I was in the bad habit of dwelling on everything and there is a degree to which you can choose to wind yourself up or try to think other thoughts and avoid difficult situations.

I hope you can find a way forward. I have been fortunate enough never to have to rely on my PIL in that way. This will pass. Best of luck with everything.

You sound a bit overwhelmed by it all. Giving up your home, losing your Mum and having to clear out all her stuff.
You are obviously grieving. I can understand why you need your own space and time with your DD. Especially as she is much longed for.
I hope it all works out for you soon.

You don't sound spiteful at all OP. I'm sorry about your mum. It all sounds incredibly stressful and I would feel the same with the lack of control. Yes they're being kind and letting you live there but that doesn't mean they should take over. There's noway I could live with my inlaws, they're nice people but this would happen and it would drive me mad. Like pp have said I would say you already have plans for the cake and definitely make some time to get out sometimes with DH and dd. Good luck

Sorry for your loss .

A really tough time with a first birthday and Mothers Day right on top of each other when you've just lost your mum, I'm so sorry

You're allowed to have feelings too, and boundaries. Don't take too much notice of the 'if they're putting you up for free you have no voice, no rights and all common courtesy is allowed to be suspended' type posts. It sounds to an extent as if PiL have just resumed the parents in charge role theyre used to and have relegated you to just one of the kids instead of respecting you as a parent yourself. It sounds like some territotory marking is going on for FiL.

Kicking off is likely to make the whole living situation even more uncomfortable and harder at a time when you're handling enough. Being out with dd a lot sounds like a good plan. Your local library will know all the baby and toddler groups in the area, good chance to make friends to go out with. If you've got a car, some large garden centres have children's play areas and cafes to kill a couple of hours cheaply. Make the smash cake, that sounds like a lovely idea and is yours, and you can tell MiL 'you've got her a lovely one for party/tea, so this is a home made one she can have to play and have fun with - do you know about smash cakes MiL? It's a bit of fun, look at these pictures...' No reason for their feelings to be hurt but you got to do your cake and your plan.

Making a special time of day for you and dd to spend in your room together may also help, where it's your protected time that can't get taken over. You must feel at the moment like you've lost so much. Hang in there,