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Original poster

can't cope living with the in laws

280 replies

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 21:19

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 07:50

CactusFred how about reading the part where we couldn't actually afford to keep our house on? Also, the part where I said we moved to be near family support because of dd's epilepsy.

I also said yesterday that I had been looking into private rented properties. We won't wait indefinitely for social housing!

OP posts:
esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 07:52

Why would she say thank you for that stuff? It's over stepping the mark! I wouldn't be happy with that either. I do have the rule because I think my dad or my mil trying to out gift me when it comes to dd is disrespectful and they agree with this. I don't give lists of stuff that's allowed if they ask me I give suggestions of the stuff she needs or stuff she might like but I always make it clear it's their choice within reason.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 07:53

Astro55:

I agree, it was a more general point about attitudes. Gifts are not supposed to be a battleground. Whoever said 'bike' first should just buy the bike. Not sure it warrants this much angst!

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 07:53

They can buy her whatever they want to, I would always say thank you. But, why would he feel the need to go against our wishes and buy something that we have specifically said that WE want to buy for dd??

OP posts:
esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 07:57

Ugh! Not how it should be at all! If I said I wanted to buy my dd something and someone else knew that and went and got it I would be asking them to take it back.

She has said she wants to buy this item so the IL should respect that they have had their own child they need to back off now and let op and her partner have their time.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 07:59

Clearly they can't buy her whatever they want to - you have already complained about the case, the seesaw, the bike etc. Do you want them to not buy big items or do you want them to check all gifts with you first? What are you expecting from him?

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:01

If it were me I would expect them to check big items with me and OH first in terms of smaller toys and clothes then they could go nuts.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:02

*cake

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:02

esmaesmomma:

But the OP was planning on buying garden items, but it still appears to have upset her. I just think it's a quite protectionist attitude.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 08:07

I haven't actually complained to them! I think a seesaw AND a slide is too much for her when he has already bought a swing for her! So I ranted on here because I think he is trying to show off with how much money he can spend. The only thing I have asked him not to buy is the bike. Why would anyone insist on buying something that somebody else was planning on buying?

OP posts:
esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:09

So what? Some items you just want to buy for your children yourself!

I think when a parent expresses they want to buy a certain item it is disrespectful to insist that you buy it instead.

When pushy gps muscle in and start buying big main presents doesn't leave much else for the parents to buy then you feel like you have to compensate a bit to make up for the fact someone else bought the main gift you then end up with with a child being spoilt and growing up feeling entitled.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:11

esmaesmomma:

Well, you're entitled to your opinion. To me it sounds rude and defensive, but each to their own.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:12

Why is a seesaw and a slide too much, OP? Do you really think your DD cares or notices what is spent on her? Do you genuinely imagine your FIL wants to rub your face in how much money he has?

garmsfresh · 21/03/2017 08:16

Never have I seen the word cake mentioned so much in a post 😂

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:22

No what is rude is when people don't respect parents boundaries whatever they maybe their usually there for good reason.

I also think it helps the parents I know if there was a certain item I wanted to get dd or one she really wanted and I couldn't afford it I would make sacrifices in order to give my daughter what I could someone just butting in doesn't help the child or the parent.

Sylvannas · 21/03/2017 08:22

Cake Grin

wannabestressfree · 21/03/2017 08:23

Pink I think housingwise what they are getting at is that there is protocol- if you want to be rehoused then you have to be evicted etc to get a high priority with social housing. Even then if there is room in your pils they may say your adequately housed- especially if your moving for support with her health conditions.

Your posts over 'things' read a bit tit for tat and I am with trifle etc when they state in the grand scheme of things you have bigger fish to fry. Why are you bothering to get sucked in and annoyed? Just agree and let them get on with it. I just can't see the point.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 08:26

A seesaw, a slide and a swing. Plus whatever they get for her to open on the day. It honestly does come across as if he wants to show off. This is the same man who ridiculed his bil behind his back for buying a new car when he himself had had a new car a fortnight before!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:27

A seesaw, a slide and a swing. Plus whatever they get for her to open on the day

I know, I read it. Sounds like they really love her.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:29

So basically what triffle is saying is the only way to love their grandchild is to buy excessive gifts and go way over the top even disregard her parents wishes... Hmm okay then.

OP don't worry when your dd gets older it won't be their face she looks at it will be their hands.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:32

esmaesmomma:

Not at all. I'm saying buying gifts is usually about pleasing the recipient, not upsetting anyone else. They aren't doing it to upset or undermine her. They just want to play with her/see her enjoying herself. That is, unless they are evil psychos, but so few people are!

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 08:34

The amount of money they spend on her doesn't equal how much they love her. My mum used to go ott on gifts too, but if we specifically said that we wanted to buy something, then she would not still insist on buying that item.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:35

And, OP, I have to say, it does smack of ingratitude, the way you're talking about your FIL. He has taken you in. He adores your DD. Count your blessings - many people in your situation would be living in shared housing.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 08:35

But they know she would be getting the items in question regardless so why does it have to come from them?

Why can't they just let the parents have their time?

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 08:37

esmaesmomma:

What are you suggesting, that they should give the OP the money for the slide/seesaw/swing?

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