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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't cope living with the in laws

280 replies

pinklemonade84 · 17/03/2017 21:19

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 20/03/2017 22:12

By christmas we will have moved out, even if we have to go for private rented.

I don't get why he's insisting on doing this though. He is clearly trying to take over. I said no thank you. I wasn't passive aggressive. I wasn't rude. I just explained that we wanted to buy her first trike/bike and dh backed me up. Fil has no reason to go against our wishes when it's something that we want to do ourselves

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 20/03/2017 22:29

But for peace and quiets sake why not just say.... 'that's nice'. Could she not have an extra one there?

I do understand I just think your handling it in the wrong way when your living with them.

Astro55 · 20/03/2017 22:32

I just don't understand the need to battle over silly stuff

Because OP wants to see the delight and magic she created by planning and arranging gifts for her child .....

Aria2015 · 20/03/2017 22:32

I see why these things would upset you. They are all 'firsts' that you are looking forward to enjoying and they are essentially taking that away from you.

There is a fine line between getting excited over your grandchild's birthday and taking over. I know your lo won't remember the cake, the banners or the birthday but you will and you're entitled to your special memories too. It would be a shame if you felt pushed out on your own daughters birthday.

You're in a difficult position because in a sense you probably feel indebted to them for taking you all in but it sounds like they are not respecting the fact that you, your dh and lo are a family unit in your own right.

It's very hard, I would speak with your dh. Be careful how you approach it because any perceived criticism of his parents may get his back up. Say how grateful you are that his parents have taken you in and how much they spoil your lo but that you feel like they are taking some special moments from you. Tell him exactly how you want lo's bday to pan out. E.g. You would like her to sit on your lap while the bring the cake out and say that you would like him to help make your plans happen and if he sees his parents taking over to gently tell them to calm down. I find telling my dh exactly what I do and don't want helps, takes the guess work out.

Good luck and I hope your housing issue is resolved soon.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 20/03/2017 22:39

wannabestressfree if I don't stand firm now though they will always be the same, will always want to take over, will always want to take away her firsts. And I don't feel like I should just roll over and let them do what they want to. It may seem that I'm getting my back up over silly things, but I am trying to let as much slide as possible

OP posts:
Catrina1234 · 20/03/2017 23:18

Look it would be best if you didn't start getting uptight about me- you have enough hostility in your life surely. I was not mocking you about the cake smash. Someone asked a genuine question as to what it was and I gave her an accurate and straight forward explanation. Nothing more and nothing less.

Catrina1234 · 20/03/2017 23:23

You know nothing about my life or the trials and difficulties that I have encountered, like very many other people, and I'm certainly not going to try to get into a competition with you about whose had the toughest time. You tell me I need empathy for you and your situation - maybe you need empathy towards the people who are putting a roof over your head to prevent you being homeless. Just a thought.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 20/03/2017 23:34

How am I attempting to get into a competition with you? I was merely explaining everything that I have had to go through since the beginning of January, everything that I'm still going through and having to deal with on top of having my in laws trying to take over. I have plenty of empathy towards them, but it doesn't mean that I will just give in to their every wish when it comes to our dd. For anyone to expect me to do so is being unfair.

You came across as incredibly mocking with your words of "utterly ridiculous" when you had previously made comment that you wondered if I was just doing it to annoy them. I wasn't asking for judgement about something that I had chosen to do with my dd. Something that I had been planning to do anyway (before my mum passed away). It wasn't as if I just thought up the idea because mil decided to go behind my back and order dd's first birthday cake without consulting me

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 20/03/2017 23:51

I guess they buy things not only because they love their GD. They heard you and your DH wanted to buy a specific present for DD but know you don't have much money so they decided to surpise you. If they can afford then why not? It would be much worse if they had the money but wouldn't spend a penny on her present.

DistanceCall · 21/03/2017 00:00

I think you and your partner need to sit down and talk to his parents. They sound like very good, well-meaning, enthusiastic grandparents.

You could say something like: "We are very grateful to you and we are so glad that you are are such enthusiastic greatparents and want to do things with her and for her. But we really also need to do things just the three of us, or one-on-one with her. We would be very grateful if you let us know beforehand when you want to buy her something or arrange something with her, so we can organise". Or something along those lines.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 00:07

It's not so much that they want to buy extravagant things for her. It's more that we say we want to do something for dd as her parents and fil tries to get in there first. When we said no thank you to fil as we want to buy the trike/bike for dd, he should have just left it at that, not get argumentative and insist that's what he will be buying

They're so good with her and absolutely adore her, such a difference to my own grandparents. But, it just feels like too much

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 21/03/2017 00:23

Then your partner should have a word with his parents and insist that you are her parents, and, while you are grateful that they want to buy things for your daughter, they need to run it past you first, and allow you to do things one-on-one with her. And be quite firm. And remind them that you'll be leaving soon, and you want to continue to have a good relationship with them once you move.

Fadhb · 21/03/2017 01:03

OP I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I think you fil at best lacks emotional intelligence and or at worst wants to be the favourite of your little one.
Everything you're saying they do would drive me mad anyway but you must be feeling so lonely and unsupported that it's even worse.
Your ils and husband are not taking my care of how you're feeling at all - which is the least you should expect from family after a loss.
I think people are being really mean to you here, even if your first post was in the best of intentions, you now know your posts are distressing OP so stop posting. She's going through a tough time, don't add to it.

FreeNiki · 21/03/2017 01:17

I was once a very enthusiastic aunty. Always buying DN something, clothes, big toys, etc. No other reason other than I wanted DN to have it and I could afford it. There was no treading on anyones toes no outdoing anyone, it didnt cross my mind. I wanted to spoil the new family member.

DNs mum eventually said to me in an argument she can be very nasty that I was just a bitch and I was buying DN.

Alrighty.

For this birthday DN will be getting about £20 spent on them. A simple toy and a book. Just once will my generosity be thrown in my face but never again.

Something to think about if you may struggle financially when you move out? If you tell them not to buy stuff for their GD they may really take you literally on that. You may miss them spoiling her.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 21/03/2017 02:30

FreeNiki fil and mil are the same. They really are generous. I honestly don't begrudge them buying things for her. They came in from shopping the other day with a couple of packs of gorgeous t shirts for dd because they knew she doesn't have a lot of short sleeved tops and I was so grateful that they thought to buy them for her. I might moan on here but, I would never ever throw it back in their face. We have always planned to buy her first trike/bike and when we said so fil was still insisting on buying it. That to me honestly just stinks of him wanting to buy her the biggest and best presents, which is quite upsetting Sad

OP posts:
FreeNiki · 21/03/2017 03:13

Or maybe they know you are needing to save money? Hence offering to buy it.

Sylvannas · 21/03/2017 05:53

You've told them you will be buying the bike. So buy the bike. Make sure DD gets it first thing. If FIL gets pissy about it gently remind him that you did tell them you would be buying it. Perhaps then thank him for the extra one as they can keep it at their house for when she visits.

My DPS had my sister, her boyfriend and 3 year old DN living there for a few months while their house was being done up.

Sometimes grandparents get over excited and because you are living with them do overstep boundaries a bit. You probably won't be away from that untill you have your own space so work on getting out asap.

The smash cake sounds like awesome fun BTW! Ignore the comments belittling your fun activies for your DD.There are always people that are going to hide behind their keyboards and pick holes at you just for the sake of it.

KarmaNoMore · 21/03/2017 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CactusFred · 21/03/2017 06:58

I think you need to relax and let the grandparents enjoy being just that.

I'm more interested in you thinking you will wait it out for social housing! Are you living in the same planet as the rest of us? From what I've read you had a house of your own that you have given up to move in with in-laws and you think you will get housed.

By my reckoning that makes you intentionally homeless so you won't get a priority banding and in most areas will be waiting 20 years!

steppinstone · 21/03/2017 07:15

The waiting list in my area is 19 years

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 07:29

That to me honestly just stinks of him wanting to buy her the biggest and best presents, which is quite upsetting

Really not being funny, as you sound like you have been through a lot, but a grandad wanting to spoil his GD isn't worth getting this worked up about. He isn't doing it to upset you. He just loves her and wants to buy her presents.

esmaesmomma · 21/03/2017 07:34

Triffle I see what you mean but main presents ought to really come from parents a rule I have made very clear since having my dd otherwise it starts becoming a competition for the GPs.

My wishes are now respected and my DF and MIL always ask me what my daughter needs they also now understand that we don't have the space or a garden.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 07:39

esmaesmomma:

That's fine if that is your 'rule' (not sure why but not my business!) but if you don't have this rule..?

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 07:41

I actually feel like people can be quite PA about presents: supplying lists of things that are 'allowed' and things they don't have room for/don't want. What happened to saying "thank you"?

Astro55 · 21/03/2017 07:47

Triful if OP said we want to her her a bike then that should be it - it's the GP insisting that they buy it -

They aren't saying no to another gift.

I brought my kids a bike as did my mum buy me mine.

It's the GP not relenting when told no thank you which is equally rude