can't cope living with the in laws

[pinklemonade84]

Due to my mum's death and both myself and dh being made redundant (we were carers for her), we made the decision to give up our home and relocate back to where dh grew up. We've made a council housing application, but in the meantime have moved in with the in laws.

Fil is taking over big time. Every single time I'm playing with dd he is there, taking over or clamouring for her attention. And I honestly mean every time.

He's decided that on top of the swing that he bought for her first birthday he now wants to buy her a seesaw AND a slide to go in their garden for her.

And since finding out that I want to get a few helium balloons for dd to put with her presents from myself and dh fil has announced that he's going to get loads of banners and decorate outside and inside the house.

But what's really hurt is mil announced to me yesterday that she has already paid for and booked for someone to make dd's first birthday cake. No asking myself or dh what we wanted. No thought to ask if it was ok or did we want any input.

I'm starting to feel like everything I enjoy. Or everything that I was looking forward to is slowly being taken away from me one by one. And I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

We've got another week until our housing form is processed and then however long it will take on top of that to get a house and I'm struggling big time. I don't feel like I can take them on on my own as dh won't stand up to them and I have no where else I can go long term

My mum is still alive but I guess that what you're experiencing now is contrast. Every time you see your in laws get involve it's a reminder that you're mum can never 'step in' for you. I suppose if it were the three of you, a family unit in your own house behind closed doors, that contrast wouldn't be so unrelenting as it is in your PILs house.

Try to see it for what it is. A mixture of grief, lack of privacy, desire for your own home. Sure GPs over step all sorts of boundaries but before you waste energy getting mad, think about what power they really have. You can make whatever decisions you're going to make anyway wrt housing, where to live. eg, the big stuff. They get to put jam in the middle of a cake. I get that it's annoying but try not to react.

I've been talking to dh this morning and I've decided to let the cake slide. I will be asking mil to have an input on the filling though. I'll probably say that I had been planning on making the cake without jam because of dh, but could she please have the person making the cake do the same. I would like to give dd her first taste of proper cake though so I will probably make some cupcakes in the meantime to practice icing on. And I WILL be making the cakes from now on for dd's birthday - next year she will actually have more of a reaction, which will be quite nice.

I like the idea of taking dd upstairs to have some special time. It really does feel like I'm losing everything and I don't want dd to be one of those. I'm also going to be taking back bathtime as I miss that so much. It probaboy sounds petty of me but a pp got it right that I wasn't really getting any of the nice parts of the day and I feel like I should.

I do wonder if some of the other posters would be so hasty to give up their parental rights and let their in laws take over if they were in the same situation?

*probably

I agree pinklemonade I think you have been given a hard time by many posters on here. It sounds to me like your FIL is making power plays. My MIL was like your FIL (she was a narcissist) to anyone on the outside it probably looked like she was trying to be kind, excited about granddaughter but she trying to exert control and take over and undermine me. She did not live with us but called round constantly.

Get out everyday ( as long as he then doesn't suggest he comes too). I went a lot to the park and library and church mother and toddler groups ( even though I disliked them generally) I even sometimes just got on the train for a few stops and walked by the river (I also had no money). The exercise and fresh air kept me sane. You might make some friends at the Mother and toddler groups since you are new to the area.

Could your DH speak to his parents - tell them you are really grateful for their help but that sometimes you would like some mother bonding time etc.You know their personalities and it may not work - my MIL would just start crying and saying basically what a martyr she was if any even slight suggestion was made to her about her behaviour. TBH work, work, work at getting out of that house and make sure when you do that you set some very clear boundaries about when they can come to the house - and don't let your DH give them a key!

What does your DH think of their behaviour? Why did he want to return to his hometown?

We made a joint decision to return to his hometown as we wanted to be near family who could help with practicalities if dd has a severe seizure. And I couldn't keep dh in Wales away from his parents, knowing that both of mine weren't here anymore.

We have a lovely park about a half hour walk away, which I will start taking dd to. And there's a lot of canals too, so walks along the canals are more than possible. Plus after easter we start her messy play sessions, so that will have us out of the house too.

I spoke to mil about the cake and she is going ro have a word with the woman making it tomorrow. To be fair to her she was very reasonable about it and even suggested that maybe she get the cake done half and half as a compromise, which I thought was fair. She seems excited about having bought this cake and I won't be the one to take this away from her. But I will be setting boundaries for years to come about who sorts dd's and any future children's birthday cakes.

Trust me when your older, have your own house and have other things going on you will be happy she does the cake..... pick your battles.

My mum used to make all of our birthday cakes until she went into a wheelchair 24/7 and I will do the same. Regardless of what I have going on, this will be something I will always want to do.

I do feel for you but it doesn't sound to me that there is any deliberate intention on the part of MIL to undermine you. My own DM totally changed when she became a GM. She never stops indulging my brother's children or spending on them. It makes me cringe tbh and I have had to tell her to take a step back in the past. However she does this only because she loves and adores them, they are the centre of her world and they are very very close to her. I wouldn't go overboard with boundaries and removing your DD from the room / house. With bath time why don't you suggest maybe alternating nights etc. Then you can both do it. She will always of course know that you won't be living there forever, which might be why they seem to be going ott. Try to find a way through it that won't hurt anyone, she sounds nice. I'm very sorry to hear about your mum too

I could honestly scream right now. Fil earlier this week was singing one of the songs from mum's funeral and I said that we hadn't had the song by the original artist, but someone who had covered it (we had The Sound Of Silence by Disturbed). And he's just turned around and asked me what song it was, I think nothing of it and tell him, and he's started singing it again straight away! There's probably nothing in it, but he knows it was a funeral song for us, why start singing it again immediately after I answer? I'm not saying he can never sing it, but he literally asked what the song from my mum's funeral was.

pinklemonade84 My heart goes out to you, not only have you just lost your DM but also your home and community. I think you have been treated really quite shabbily by some on here, I would like to be a fly on the wall if someone tried to take over their children!

I am a grandmother and did have one of my daughters live here with her son a while ago. Yes, I provided the roof over their heads but I kept my nose out of her parenting unless asked. Of course I played with my DGS and more often than not cooked all meals, but I asked my DD about my menu plans before I cooked. I realised that while he is my DGS she is his mother and the one in charge.

Would it be possible to ask your PIL to back off a little? MIL seems to have been quite fair when it came to the cake so perhaps they would listen not realising they have been a bit over bearing.

One thing that also caught my eye, it's not really important but why would MIL choose jam as a filling for your DD cake with a diabetic husband? As I say not important but I did think it smacked of a touch of insensitivity.

Social housing is not going to be easy but I really do hope you get a lovely little home soon and your family can begin without the stresses extended family can bring.

Your FIL lacks emotional intelligence and has no self awareness. He would drive me crazy.

I'm aware that my post about fil singing my mum's funeral song sounded petty. But it was literally seconds after me answering him that he started to sing it. Why would someone do that when they know the emotional significance behind it?

If I wasn't giving fil any time with dd then maybe I could understand the way he is. But I've been more than fair. Overly so at times. So I don't get why some people seem to think I should back off even more than I already have done and let him do what he wants.

It sounds very claustrophobic for you to be living in your in laws' house for the foreseeable future. Even if your in laws were sensitive to your situation it would be difficult. I would focus on your 'exit strategy' rather than day to day wind ups.

Ring the council this morning and find out the availability of council housing. You are not homeless so won't be a priority. If you are told that it will be years then start looking for private rent immediately. What are you and your DH doing about work?

I have started looking into private rented properties in the area. I haven't told dh this yet as we haven't really had time alone apart from when we go to bed at night. We're going out for a few hours with dd shortly and I will explain that I've started looking into our other options as a back up plan.

Dh is looking for work at the moment. Anything and everything really as he just wants to be earning again. I've been advised to claim for dla for dd so I'm in the process of sorting that and will be booking an appointment with citizens advice for them to help me to fill in the form once it arrives.

Good stuff. That sounds proactive.

What on earth is a cake smash? Do you just smash up cake?

Roarityroar - google it, I think it involves letting the baby lose on the cake and taking pictures of the resultant mess. Wouldn't be my cup of tea, but seems to be quite the rage these days.

OP - that's fantastic you're looking into other properties, having some options will really help. Now you've explained the significance of the cake it makes more sense why you're so attached to making it - maybe let MIL know as well, she sounds like she means well.

Re your FIL, sorry but he sounds exactly like my DF. No personal sensitivity at all about anything. Love DF dearly, can just about tolerate an overnight stay in their house. You can't change him I'm afraid. I had some success by telling DM that I'd have to seriously reconsider visits after my DF called my not overly boisterous 2 yr old DS an animal, but as you're living there it's not possible to withdraw contact.

Good luck with it all.

Do you pay them any rent at all?

You could be waiting years for council housing.

I am in the opposite position to you at the moment my son and his partner and their very new daughter are staying with us. I didn't especially want them to live with us but I love them all and are trying to help them out.
It's hard having another family staying in your house, perhaps like me your PIL miss their personal space and it does add to general costs even if you are buying your own food.
I try hard to balance being involved so that they don't feel they have to hide away in their room, and not being too involved with my grand daughter.
I work FT so it's easier to give them time and space on their own but I'm sure it would be a lot harder if I was at home all day.
It sounds like your PIL may have got the balance wrong but as you are staying with them because of lack of funds, perhaps they thought buying garden toys and a birthday cake were helping you financially.
To me they do seem odd things to be so upset about especially Jam.
I'm not saying you should be falling over yourself with gratitude and put up with your FIL trying to take over too much. Just pointing out that it's hard on everyone, I'm sure that they will be just as relieved as you will be when you get somewhere else to live and they can return to being grandparents who see their grandchild occasionally on a visit.and then they go home.

roarityroar - you ask about a cake smash. Like many things it's come over here from the USA. Basically you bake a giant cupcake (there are special tins) and then pile it with icing and sprinkles and whatever else you fancy, then then you give the baby a wooden spoon and she smashes it to pieces and all the cake and cream goes all over the place, including the baby's mouth! In fact with 1 year olds they don't have the strength to smash the cake, so the mom (or someone else) does the smashing and then gives the spoon to the baby to wave about and dig it in the cake. I have friends in USA and sent me a video of their 1 year old's cake smash and it was crazy - the mom quickly smashed the cake making it easy for the baby to dig the spoon into the cake. Utterly ridiculous and a real waste of cake! But each to their own............

So you're back again to mock then Catrina? Why do you feel the need to do this?

I've just had to walk away from fil before I opened my mouth and said something I regret. He started piping up about Christmas that he is going to be buying dd a trike. And I told him no thank you, that we had been planning on buying dd's first trike/bike for her 2nd birthday. And despite me saying this he's still insisting on it. He's got to be doing it to try and have some sort of power struggle with me

Itmustbemyage it's not just about jam though. It was more the fact that I had been planning on doing the same as my mum had done and baking the cake myself. Also mil was more bothered about finding something that she liked than something everyone else would. Anyway, that's been pretty much sorted as it looks like the woman making the cake is doing half and half.

Catrina, in all seriousness, what is your problem? You call me spiteful because I'm upset that my mil didn't think about anyone but herself when she went and ordered the cake for my dd's first birthday and then go out of your way to mock something that I want to do with my dd.

Have you ever experienced any of what I'm going through? Have you lost both of your parents? Then upon losing the second, have to clear out their home in a matter of days because the landlord has decided to go back on his agreement of letting you wait until the end of the month? Then have to give up your own home because you can't afford it anymore? Then have to move in with your in laws? Then have all the fun things that you enjoyed with your child or that you had been looking forward to taken away from you, while your in laws stamp all over your feelings? All the while having to still deal with paperwork from your second parent's passing away and having to deal with an epileptic child and a stint in hospital because said child had a severe case of bronchiolitis!

You need to learn to have some empathy for people rather than mocking them just because something they want to do isn't to your liking!

I just don't understand why you can't just ignore comments like that or agree for now. Chances are by CHRISTMAS you will have moved out. She could have two...., I just don't understand the need to battle over silly stuff.