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Original poster

should I forgive him again?

192 replies

chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 11:44

So Im not great at MN, I read stuff but rarely comment or post but I think Im safe here as I'm anonymous as I can be. So i'm married and my husband cheated on me last summer and I found out because I found the texts on his phone. I suspected so I asked him if I could look at his phone. The worst thing is he told me he was in love with her but he didn't want to break up the family, so I forgave him, he cut ties with her and things settled down after a few weeks. But almost mirror fashion it's happened again. Again the texting has caught him out and he's been coming home later than usual. So I checked the mobile bill and confronted him. He's been seeing the same woman again for past 3 months and he again he doesnt want to break up the family but he does love her. I am devastated. I can't think straight and I don't know what to do for the best. I think couples therapy is an option. But he says he loves her and in my mind he didn't respect me to even stay away from her for more than a few months. Am i an idiot to stay with him? Please nothing too harsh Im feeling very fragile.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 13/03/2017 11:48

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Did me this is marriage over. You deserve someone who loves you and you alone. If he loves her tell him to go and start rebuilding your life without him. You'll be happier in the long run.

6demandingchildren · 13/03/2017 11:49

You can't make someone love you. And you deserve to be loved if not by him then by someone else

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 13/03/2017 11:50

How can you stay with him when he lives another woman??
Pack his stuff ASAP.
And don't look back.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2017 11:52

Have you considered asking him to leave so that you can have some space?.

Do not do the pick me dance with this man any more; he has cheated on you twice now and with the same woman. There is really nothing to stop him doing this again and he has shown no remorse for his actions. I sincerely hope you are not still doing all his washing and cooking for him whilst he says he is love with this woman.

He has broken up the family by his actions; he cannot continue to have his cake and eat it as well. Do not keep on facilitating his life at home. If you have children I would not want to show them this model of a marriage.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/03/2017 11:54

You would be an idiot to forgive him again - sorry but you would and you know it which is why you posted.
What is this 'family'?
How many DC do you have and what are their ages?
Do you have family or friends nearby that you could talk to?
He doesn't love you. He loves someone else.
Right now he is having his cake and eating it and you are letting him.
You know what you need to do, but make sure you get informed on what happens next.
You need info like wage slips, assets, mortgage info, account info and savings info. You will also need marriage cert to divorce him.
Sorry you are going through this.
He has zero respect for your or the family so kick him to the curb.
Do NOT do the pick-me dance!

pallasathena · 13/03/2017 11:54

If you keep forgiving him he'll see it as you giving him permission to do as he pleases. Now, in some relationships that are 'open', both parties can agree to see other people and still remain 'together', if you see what I mean.
In your case, you are rightly devastated which means that his behaviour is not ok; its impacting severely on your sense of self, your wellbeing, your moral compass and your basic understanding of what a marriage should be.
And so, you have to decide. Do you continue living like this? Do you and those closest to you stand by and watch as your self esteem slowly but surely disintegrates until you end up having a nervous breakdown? Or do you call it a day, get yourself a SHL and draw a permanent line under a relationship that has become not only disrespectful but hugely damaging to your self esteem?
I know what I would do. LTB.

TheNaze73 · 13/03/2017 11:57

You need to show yourself some self respect & end it now.

He's being spineless though, if he loves someone else, he should've gone about things the right way. He's a cock for expecting you to be the one that pulls the plug

Starlighter · 13/03/2017 11:59

It's horrible, it's totally rubbish, but you know therapy won't help with this and it will crush you if you keep putting up with this behaviour. You deserve so much better. You can't forgive him a second time - he's not even sorry! Please leave and find someone who appreciates you and treasures you. Flowers

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 12:02

hellsbellsmelon, we have 2 kids, boy and girl ages 6 and 4. Girl can be tricky, tantrums and outbursts. He says he does love me still. He says he doesn't want to lose his family. I feel so embarrassed I haven't told anyone. I told friends before and they supported me tho they said I was crazy for letting him off so lightly as they put it.

OP posts:
Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 12:11

has anyone been in my position and made it work after the second betrayal? Id like to know and if so how? After the first time, I accepted I was at fault too and said we had to make more effort with each other and Ive tried really hard to do that, send time together as a couple. We get on well, we are good friends I think. Im not sure what Im not giving him that he is getting from her?

OP posts:
Gowgirl · 13/03/2017 12:14

Once could be a mistake, twice is taking the piss.
Pack his bags

Puddington · 13/03/2017 12:27

After the first time, I accepted I was at fault too

While both people are "responsible" for the state of a marriage, NOBODY is responsible for someone's decision to have an affair except themselves. Please do not think, or let him think, that this was your fault. You let him back after the first time and probably tied yourself in knots trying to be "better" and he has rewarded you with another betrayal. I am so sorry, I know in some circumstances thigns can be worked out but I truly think in this case a third chance would just let him do it a third time Sad

magoria · 13/03/2017 12:31

Forgive him and we will see you back here I a few months.

You caught him once. That wasn't enough of a wake up call.

Forgiving him again will just be a green light that he can do it over and over and you will accept it.

If he loves another woman let her clean his pants.

You deserve better.

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 12:35

He said this time he will cut ties with her and try with me. I have no job as I stayed home to look after kids, so I wouldn't know where to start if he left. He is a coward though, I know he would never leave off his own back only if a threw him out, he basically said that to me.

OP posts:
gingertigercat · 13/03/2017 12:36

Oh I feel so bad for you. I think you need to accept he's not willing to end it with this woman. He's made it very clear he wants his cake and to eat it too. He's shown no regard for you.

I would get yourself tested and ask him to leave unless you want to spend the rest of your life being second best.Flowers

Chaotica · 13/03/2017 12:40

Please leave him. This is not going to get better. He is showing you no respect and you're in danger of not showing yourself any.

It will be better if you tell him to go. You've done what you can. Flowers

inlectorecumbit · 13/03/2017 12:44

He is only trying to save face--to be the family man and to look good to everyone.
You have forgiven him once, but he has no respect for you or the family while he is cheating with this OW. He will not give her up-he says he loves her. That would be enough for me to chuck him out.
If you have ANY hope of salvaging this relationship (and l wouldn't bother personally) is to chuck him out and just let him see how it feels to "lose" his family.
You and your DC's deserve better

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 12:45

is like to ask him to move out for a bit but Im worried he will just go see this woman and at the moment I at least know where he is in the evenings.

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 13/03/2017 12:46

It's over Flowers

He loves her but wants to keep his nice home and nice setup. He said he'd cut ties before and didn't manage it before, what is different this time?

I do think you need to look at your options for divorce.

inlectorecumbit · 13/03/2017 12:49

Yes he will go to this woman but they are obviously spending time together anyway. You can't police his actions 24 hours a day.
Throw him out , get some self respect.
What would you say to your DD if this happened to her in the future??
Oh and you need a STI check pronto

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 12:54

an STI check! inlectorecumbit , I didn't think of that! Yes of course I do, because he has been sleeping with both of us. The first time he cheated he stopped sleeping with me, one of the reasons why I got suspicious, obviously the second time he decided to keep marital relations going so I didn't see the pattern repeating. I will go and get checked.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 13/03/2017 12:56

First, i honestly believe that if you try and forgive him not only will he do it again but he probably won't even take a break from the affair. He's as much as told you he wants his cake and to eat it too and it's his cowardice that is the main blocker to him leaving you of his own volition.

Second, there are numerous signs throughout your posts that your self-esteem has been severely damaged. What has she got that I haven't? It was my fault too. Etc. I don't see how your self-esteem can go any other direction than down if you continue to accept and forgive his betrayals . Put yourself and your self-respect first from now on.

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 12:57

inlectorecumbit, I asked him to put an app on his phone so I can see where he is all day and check he is where he says he is and not seeing her. He has agreed to that, so that is a positive. And he has to be home now by 5pm no later or I call his work to check.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/03/2017 12:57

Please Don't

He loves someone else. He cannot stay away from her. It's only a matter of time before he contacts her again. Why wouldn't he ?....by forgiving twice you give him a green card despite any pretty but ultimately empty promises he might make.

terrylene · 13/03/2017 12:58

You can forgive him, but not be his doormat.

He is proven unreliable, so you need to check out your divorce and work options, as you have no reason not to assume that he will be unreliable in the future.

You have already tried to prove your commitment and this has not been enough for him. It is his turn now. If he says he does not want to break up the family, then he has to make this work.