should I forgive him again?

[chillyogawine]

So Im not great at MN, I read stuff but rarely comment or post but I think Im safe here as I'm anonymous as I can be. So i'm married and my husband cheated on me last summer and I found out because I found the texts on his phone. I suspected so I asked him if I could look at his phone. The worst thing is he told me he was in love with her but he didn't want to break up the family, so I forgave him, he cut ties with her and things settled down after a few weeks. But almost mirror fashion it's happened again. Again the texting has caught him out and he's been coming home later than usual. So I checked the mobile bill and confronted him. He's been seeing the same woman again for past 3 months and he again he doesnt want to break up the family but he does love her. I am devastated. I can't think straight and I don't know what to do for the best. I think couples therapy is an option. But he says he loves her and in my mind he didn't respect me to even stay away from her for more than a few months. Am i an idiot to stay with him? Please nothing too harsh Im feeling very fragile.

Your family IS already broken OP.

It's a sad fact, but there it is.

Leaving gives you the chance to rebuild a new family dynamic that's not built on lies and mistrust.

That's a different family from what you expected, for sure - but it's one that can be loving and secure - and far from broken.

You say you have baggage - well yes - it's your cheating twat of a DH. Get rid and anything is possible!

The fact that he has openly told you that he loves her you should've packed his shit up the first time he did it.
I know it's hard when you're splitting up a family but he will always do this to you and unless you finish it, he will plod along fucking both of you. Make it stop. Respect yourself lovely. Hugs!

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP.

He loves someone else, you will only be crushed more and more if you stay.

End it. It's already a mess and you can't trust him one tiny bit. Also his behaviour is just going to escalate until you kick him out. He desperately wants you to; the only question is how bad does it have to get until you do?

You don't have to be a SAHM forever, there are options and it would be best if you started planning life without him.

Make him get the std check. A scraping of the end of his cheating cock is just what the doctor ordered.

Then tell him to fuck off.

I recommend the ChumpLady website. Currently, you are the chump. He despises you or he wouldn't treat you like this. What he wants is for you to stfu, the dust to settle and in a couple of months he will be sniffing around OW again. While you sit at home wringing your hands, washing his undies that have traces of her body fluids on and crying into your Pinot.

You are better than this.

You won't be alone if that's not what you want. Tens of thousands of women bringing up their children alone have found happiness. Any way, you won't be bringing up your children alone: he will have to step up and be a dad. A part-time one but a dad nonetheless. Having the kids one night in the week and every other weekend will put a crimp in his plans, to be sure. Your children don't have to be damaged by having parents who live apart.

However, I'm encouraged that you're actually thinking ahead rather than desperately wondering how you can hang on to this betraying piece of shit. Anger is good. Very, very good.

At the moment he's painting him as the poor selfless victim who will give up his mistress if you make him. This will put you as the bad person who made him give up his bit on the side and he will resent you

You need to make it very clear that you are the victim in this scenario. I second what another pp said as well. His life with his new love won't be so cushty when he has to have the kids eow and spend half his salary in maintenance.

Get angry!

gingertigercat, Yes, I think part of the reason he hasn't left is because he'd have to pay me maintenance and also give me the house. He has a good job but still running two households is expensive and I gave up my career to bring up our children and help him develop his career! I don't think he will leave me or he'd have gone already. So I can take my time to make up my mind and seek advice. He seems to be genuinely sorry.I think he is confused about how he feels. Maybe we can talk it through still. Apart from the affair we have a good life or so I thought. I am angry but I have to also think practically too and think about the kids lives. At the moment I can't even talk to him, I get little bits out of him and then find out that he hasn't told me everything, he's still keeping stuff from me, its like pulling teeth. He says it is because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Maybe a week apart will give me the time to think about it as long as he has promised not to see, speak or contact her again.

What he wants is for you to stfu, the dust to settle and in a couple of months he will be sniffing around OW again.

This is so very true. He won't pull the plug. A woman in a similar situation as you, suffered 11 ddays of her DH with the same woman. He was never going to end it, so eventually she did. She had to let go for her sanity.

That took 2 years and she wishes she left earlier.

You need to let him know you mean business.

Tell him to leave to give you some space. Make sure you see a solicitor and let him know you are doing that. Let him understand that what happens next is your decision not his.

Stop letting him run the show.

He will carry on seeing her.

I used to work for solicitors, one of them dealt in family/divorce law. A lot of men won't get divorced as they know the cost is high in terms of maintenance but this man is taking you for a fool. If he really loved you after the first time he got caught out he wouldn't see her (if that was me I'd have ended it then), his respect for you is on the floor.

Ask him to leave and see a solicitors.

I have been in your situation. Please don't put up with it and waste your life on this man who doesn't respect you. You deserve better. It will be a horrible and difficult journey but you will come through it eventually and maybe have the chance to find happiness again with someone else (if that's what you want). Be strong and ask him to leave. Do you have friends and family to help you?

End it now. It will hurt like ripping off a plaster but you will feel better in the long run. He needs to see the reality of what he has done.

Find your anger. Read Chumplady.

I have kind of been in your shoes. I wish I had taken back control.

You have tried your best. You don't need to torture yourself that you are making a mistake. He has let you down in the worst worst way.

Every day you you spend with this wankstain is another day you could be finding yourself, being yourself and possibly meeting a decent bloke who'll respect you. Please respect yourself OP

There is no way I'd forgive him twice. If you stay with him you are literally going to be checking on him for the rest of your life. Everytime he goes out your going to be wondering who he's with, every text, phone call your going to wondering if it's her. Fuck living like that, you deserve someone who loves you and only you

You haven't failed, he did by failing to keep his dick in his pants. He knew by shagging OW there was a risk of breaking up his family and it still wasn't enough to stop him TWICE. He fucked up not you, kick his arse out and let her have him. It's only a matter of time before he gets himself a new OW the cheating bastard

thanks everyone,every time I lose my resolve and weaken I will read these threads again. When I'm with him and he's telling me he loves me and the kids and not to end it, I weaken. But he isn't doing anything to make me feel he is really sorry. Think he is just panicking that his way of life is about to change. If we are going to really work it out then I have to let him go and he will have to convince me he is worthy of me again. I just can't get the etc out of my head with all the loving talk

He will say whatever he needs to right now to save himself and none of it is real. Just remember that - it's all self preserving bullshit. The same bullshit he no doubt told OW about you not having sex for years and making his life a misery.

Not only has he cheated on and massively disrespected you, he's also cheated his children. He's shit all over your family and now he's been found out for the second time, he's shitting himself.

He's admitted that he's in love with someone else. im sorry OP but he doesn't love you, not enough to be faithful to you and your kids. Not enough to make the decision to not have an affair and not enough to stay away from this other woman. The fact that he was indiscreet enough that people knew that he was shagging about shows how little respect he has for you. He's not scared of losing you OP, he's scared of not seeing his kids every day and not having a cushy life where he has live in child care, gets to see his kids every day and then gets to shag his piece on the side. Can you really see yourself putting up with that for the rest of your life?

Also, what happens when he thinks he's off the hook and deletes the tracker app? What happens when he 'accidentally' leaves his phone at home? What happens when he does this again? How many chances does he get to have?

It may seem like an enormous mountain to climb, considering going on without him, but can you really consider living with him and knowing that he'll go back to her. Because he will. Or someone else.

He has no respect for you or your family life - if he did, he wouldn't have risked it by sniffing around someone else.
Eventually your dc will realise that something isn't right and it will skew how they view relationships forever.

Staying together for the children doesn't work as eventually the resentment will build and ruin it all anyway.

There's a famous saying: "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" - don't allow him to fool you again, please OP. You deserve so much better and so do your children.

you deserve better OP, I believe that he will keep on going back to this woman. sorry you've been through this and are going through it again.. I also don't think you will be able to trust him again after it happening twice it will always be at the back of your mind.

You say he's staying with you as running two households would be expensive. Well tough luck. He wanted to have his cake and eat it. Don't let him make you feel guilty.

You supported your family, tried to give him a second chance and debated giving him a third (I really hope you don't). He has cheated and lied twice and tells you he loves another woman.

Game over for him.

Get him out of the house

He is flooding your brain with meaningless shit so that you cannot think straight. He's made all these empty promises before. The only thing that has changed is that since you gave him another chance to fuck you over, his contempt for you has deepened.

If he didn't want to break up the family then he wouldn't be shagging someone else. He'd be moving heaven and earth to keep it together. He doesn't give a shit about the family.

Ever heard of the phrase 'it's cheaper to keep 'er'?

This is what he is thinking right now. He does not love you.

He ended the marriage when he cheated. All that is left now is to work out the practicalities of living separately.

Why do I think that no matter how many people on this thread tell you the facts, you're ignoring them and wanting to desperately believe his words of 'love'?

They are not words of love. You're being hoodwinked - again.

If you're going to talk yourself into believing your relationship has a chance, then best close the thread down now..

Because I don't think there are many among us, given how appallingly he's treated you, believe for one second that it will work out.

You are worth more, OP. Please see that.

When I'm with him and he's telling me he loves me and the kids and not to end it,

If you end it, it's because he has broken your marriage vows. I don't understand how he expects you to stay in a marriage when he's admitted he's in love with another woman.

Would he want your DC to stay in such a marriage?

What about your happiness? Are you meant to find another man to fall in love with? Would he find it acceptable to hear you say that.

Don't for one second let him try and blame you for the end of the marriage. The alimony and child support is scaring him.

A trial separation is in order. If he continues to see her within that time, you know he's not worthy of you.

A good father, doesn't treat the mother of his wife and mother of his children like this. He's able to do so, because he doesn't feel the love for you that he once did.

I'd take him to the cleaners.

I weaken. But he isn't doing anything to make me feel he is really sorry. Think he is just panicking that his way of life is about to change. If we are going to really work it out then I have to let him go and