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Original poster

should I forgive him again?

192 replies

chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 11:44

So Im not great at MN, I read stuff but rarely comment or post but I think Im safe here as I'm anonymous as I can be. So i'm married and my husband cheated on me last summer and I found out because I found the texts on his phone. I suspected so I asked him if I could look at his phone. The worst thing is he told me he was in love with her but he didn't want to break up the family, so I forgave him, he cut ties with her and things settled down after a few weeks. But almost mirror fashion it's happened again. Again the texting has caught him out and he's been coming home later than usual. So I checked the mobile bill and confronted him. He's been seeing the same woman again for past 3 months and he again he doesnt want to break up the family but he does love her. I am devastated. I can't think straight and I don't know what to do for the best. I think couples therapy is an option. But he says he loves her and in my mind he didn't respect me to even stay away from her for more than a few months. Am i an idiot to stay with him? Please nothing too harsh Im feeling very fragile.

OP posts:
EatsShitAndLeaves · 13/03/2017 13:49

If you look at the sadly many, many threads on MN where a serial cheater has been involved you'll see forgiveness just doesn't work.

You'll also see how these women who found the strength to walk away came through that process much happier and very often say how they wish they had left sooner (as have so many on this thread).

I'll never regret walking away from a long term (7 year) relationship that wasn't working and involved me catching him cheating. It was the best thing I did. 15 years down the line I'm very happy with DH whilst the Ex is still bouncing around between one failed relationship after another. It's like he's trapped in Groundhog Day and can't find any way to break out of his warped emotional narrative.

Learning you can be independent without the stress of "being on watch" all the time and having the opportunity to rebuild your emotional reserves and self esteem is a big gift - give it to yourself.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 13/03/2017 13:56

Please have some pride.
Do you really want to be with a man who wants to be with someone else?
Sling him out. Let her have the wooden spoon.

icy121 · 13/03/2017 13:58

See a lawyer. Change the locks.

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 14:01

Orangebird69 thanks for sharing, I am sorry to hear what you have been through but it helps me to know you made it to the other side. And JohnnyMarr Im sorry too. Yes I think I am in denial or shock or both. Think Im so tired and have cried so much I can think. And all the while playing happy families for the kids so they don't know whats going on Will have a good long think and talk to my only trusted friend. Thanks for all the replies. It seem the overwhelming response is to leave and get my life and self esteem back.

OP posts:
repaintthesky · 13/03/2017 14:06

You can make H choose but you can't make him pick you. He has chosen OW and your self esteem should be telling you to un-pick him. He is no longer good enough for you.

nachogazpacho · 13/03/2017 14:08

He wants you to do his dirty work.

He's being selfish. Why would he break up the family when he can have her and you, with both of you knowing about eachother? The only way he is leaving is if you tell him to. There is no way selfish people leave unless the ow or the wife force him to. It's not to do with the children, it's to do with how he feels about himself.

If he left you then everyone would know (icluding the children, his family and friends) that he'd left you in the shit with his kids. So to keep up appearances for his own sake he's not going to leave you. He's going to force you to make the decision. Then he can say 'she kicked me out' and play the poor me card.

The whole thing is bollocks of course. Everyone knows, like you said, that he's been cheating on you. The reason they didn't tell you is that most people are passive and don't want to get involved. They just don't want to be the one to tell the person being cheated on as it takes a lot of balls and people don't actually have that much courage (often the messenger is called a liar or disloyal). So they just turn a blind eye to it. They all think he's a shady twat, no doubt, and have sympathy for you. He'll moan about how you didnt treat him right to anyone that questions his actions but they know that's bullshit. They just don't want to get involved.

This is his mess. But you are the only one who is going to sort it out. He's too selfish.

nachogazpacho · 13/03/2017 14:11

And I agree with others who say she's getting the worst end of the deal. Cheats are never trusted and often go on to cheat again. It's just part of their selfish nature.

SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 14:15

You can't live your life playing detective in your marriage. Let him go to her, because you'll have your self esteem eroded if you stay.

He won't stop the affair, he'll only get better at hiding it.

ShatnersWig · 13/03/2017 14:20

Sorry but he won't change. See a solicitor now, get all the information you need on your financial position etc and then end this sham of a relationship. Yes it will hurt, but in time you will not regret this, I promise you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/03/2017 14:26

He loves her but doesn't want to break up the family. How very fucking noble of him!

He lied to you about stopping seeing her and he's lying to you now. I'd bet good money that he's got himself a secret second phone.

Making the decision to end this farce of a marriage is hard, and will continue to be hard. But somewhere in all that you will have the opportunity to regain your sense of self-worth and your self-respect. Staying will risk eroding any you might have forever. You don't deserve that, nobody does.

He's a liar and a cheat, unrepentantly, and you're worth so very much more. You deserve to be happy but you won't find it with him

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 14:29

I will def seek advice and get STI check. This is a nightmare that seems to never end! The more i think about it the madder I get. Which is a good thing because so far I've just sat and cried and begged him to stay and tell me what I've done wrong. Now I'm beginning to feel BLOODY ANGRY! Think he's in for a shock when he gets home tonight. Thank you MN ladies. This has helped enormously.

OP posts:
plainjanine · 13/03/2017 14:34

By saying he doesn't want to break up the family, he is trying to shift the blame onto you. If you decide that his behaviour is not acceptible, he's going to make out that you are the one who is breaking up the family. After all, he's quite happy to have you and whatever kids you have together safe at home, looking after him, cooking, washing and cleaning for him while he shags around (have you had an STI check?). He's probably quite happy with things as they are now.

This is fairly standard behaviour on his part. Don't fall for it. Don't do the "pick me" dance. Stop looking after him, and tell him to get out, so you have the space to consider your way forward. Yours, not his!

If you tolerate this, this is all you are ever going to get from him. It will never be any better than this.

He's royally taking the piss.

Flowers
usernoidea · 13/03/2017 14:35

It's better to be angry! Anger helps!
You can do this x

terrylene · 13/03/2017 14:37

Yes - do seek advice and STI check. You need to know where you stand to decide where you are going. Your self-worth and self-respect is important for your future.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/03/2017 14:39

begged him to stay and tell me what I've done wrong
You have done NOTHING wrong.
He is the one who is shagging another woman.
He is the one who can't keep it in his pants.
He is the one splitting up the family with with lying cheating ways.
This is all to do with him and what he can get away with and nothing to do with you.
HE is the one who should be begging you to forgive him and promising to change.

I'll say it again.
YOU HAVE NOT DONE A SINGLE THING WRONG!!!!

MadeForThis · 13/03/2017 14:49

Angers good.

You have done nothing wrong.

He ended the relationship when he had an affair. He killed it when he couldn't keep away from her.

He is weak and wants you to end it.
Do it!!

You'll be much happier without the stress of his affair hanging over you every day.

mysinkingheart · 13/03/2017 14:58

Sorry you're going through this op.
Great advice above so I'll just add my support and one thing that really helped me survive the mind fuck: don't waste time trying to understand it all.
Just don't. Focus on his actions.
That'll tell you all you need to know.
Already the first time wasn't ok = betrayal
Crying and begging to stay when you've just betrayed someone a second time = manipulation
Leaving you feeling insecure and worrying about your DC alone = selfish, immature, entitled...
You can keep on breaking it down but if these are not the actions of someone who's being kind to you, the mother of his children, never mind loving.
All the sorries in the world can't cover up for the actions he taken and continues to take.
Stay angry that's very healthy x

user1482079332 · 13/03/2017 15:02

If he was genuinely sorry he wouldn't have done it again, if you stay with him your accepting this behaviour

user1482079332 · 13/03/2017 15:02

If he was genuinely sorry he wouldn't have done it again, if you stay with him your accepting this behaviour

SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 15:27

Him leaving the marriage, does not mean loosing the kids. It actually means he'll probably have to do a lot more with them than he currently does.

That's likely what he doesn't want, because it's hard work looking after kids.

He'll string you and her along for years if you let him. He's got the best of both worlds. Her massaging his ego and you keeping home and being a mum to his kids. On top of that, two women are in love with him.

He won't do anything unless you or the OW has enough. Then if she dumps him, he'll be moping around in withdrawal and taking it out on you and the kids.

You deserve better than this.

HarmlessChap · 13/03/2017 16:24

Not read the whole thread but..... He's been deceptive, twice. What surprises me is that he was careless enough to get caught for a 2nd time, the same way!

You don't have to be very tech-savvy to realise how easy it would be to communicate on the sly. Setting up a new email address that you log into on on the web in incognito mode or private browsing. A second PAYG phone or 2nd SIMM card to keep in touch with the OW. I'm sure if I researched it there are loads of way more advanced ways to cover your tracks and even if you install a tracking app it will only tell you where his phone is but that doesn't necessarily mean he is there too.

If you forgive him then expect to have to share him with the OW. She presumably knows about you so she's been sharing him already and I dare say that he'll resume contact with her once the dust settles, after all he loves her.

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 16:29

you're so right. He is getting the best of both worlds. He says he doesn't want to not see his kids every day, to be honest he is a very good dad and hands on and does stuff around the house too. But he has lied and cheated on me, so he is risking losing his family anyway. I worry about the money. How can I support myself and stay in our home. I guess once I seek advice I will know more about my rights. It breaks my heart when I look at the kids to think of us as a broken family. I just think about what I would say to them and I feel physically sick they are so little still and wont understand. If I could just trust what he was saying we could maybe work on it but I am not sure I can believe him.

OP posts:
julybug123 · 13/03/2017 16:48

You will not be a broken family, just a family of a different sort and your children will still have lots of love and fun and security if - and it is a big if - this is managed properly and respectfully by both sides. I'm afraid that if he loves another that is end game as far as I would be concerned, unless you want to live a sort of a 'don't ask, don't tell' half-life. Plenty do, but I certainly couldn't. To live truthfully is always the best way, even if the truth hurts deeply.

Original poster
chillyogawine · 13/03/2017 16:58

he says that he does love her but will give her up and try and stay if that's what I want!!!! He's such an arrogant fk. I cant believe he has done this to me AGAIN! I feel so torn between anger and wanting to kick him out and guilt for the kids and worry about the future and being alone. Its not easy finding a partner and now I have baggage too! AAAAGH He is a complete b*d. Have to get this off my chest or will prob lob a vase at his head when he gets home.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 17:02

You'll become a broken person if you stay with a husband who openly declares his love for another woman.

The truth is, he doesn't love her, or he'd be with her. He would not keep her as a dirty little secret.

He doesn't love you either, or he wouldn't do this.

He loves himself above any and everyone.

He wouldn't risk loosing you or seeing his kids everyday, or the safety and security of having two parents together if he loved them enough either.

Above anyone else, he loves himself and will cake eat just as long as you let him.

How many second chances does he expect you to give, without losing your self or losing any respect for him.

Get him to move out and give you space, otherwise accept your DH loves another woman and carry on as you are, quietly accept it and he'll probably wait for the kids to get older and leave you in years to come.

You'll have wasted time and find it harder to move on then. Meanwhile he'll have THE OW, if she's still stupid enough to hang on.. Many actually occupy the position of OW for over 10 years.

Your destiny is in your hands.