should I forgive him again?

[chillyogawine]

So Im not great at MN, I read stuff but rarely comment or post but I think Im safe here as I'm anonymous as I can be. So i'm married and my husband cheated on me last summer and I found out because I found the texts on his phone. I suspected so I asked him if I could look at his phone. The worst thing is he told me he was in love with her but he didn't want to break up the family, so I forgave him, he cut ties with her and things settled down after a few weeks. But almost mirror fashion it's happened again. Again the texting has caught him out and he's been coming home later than usual. So I checked the mobile bill and confronted him. He's been seeing the same woman again for past 3 months and he again he doesnt want to break up the family but he does love her. I am devastated. I can't think straight and I don't know what to do for the best. I think couples therapy is an option. But he says he loves her and in my mind he didn't respect me to even stay away from her for more than a few months. Am i an idiot to stay with him? Please nothing too harsh Im feeling very fragile.

If you have to monitor his every move so that he won't see her again, your relationship is dead

And if he wants to, he will still find a way

No, you should kick him out.

Do you want to police his whereabouts daily, do you know how it normal that is to have to do?

Stop doing the pick me dance and find your self respect.

He told you he loves her. Why aren't you worth more than putting up with that shit?

He wants to keep his family status, a wife at home, a neat little package, and avoid when people discover the real him.

Gather your strength, and send him packing.

I agree that the marriage is over. I took my ex back twice but I decided that after the second time it would only be a temporary measure. I used this time to start saving, paying off debts, spending more time with friends and building a life for myself that didn't involve him. It meant I was in a better position when we did finally split 2 years later but it was a horrible 2 years. I would just get out now, it's going to be hard but if you don't then you're only delaying the inevitable. Even if you 'fixed' things and he did cut contact with the ow, you would always feel that you're not good enough and that worry about him still being in contact with her or finding someone else would always be there. That's no way to live and you deserve better.

Not normal

Also he won't really cut contact - he proved that after the last time. He'll just get better at hiding it.

OP, you can't live like that, keeping tabs etc. It's emotionally and physically draining. I speak from experience (although no children involved). You need to tell him to leave. I can't imagine how you could ever trust him again and if you don't have trust, it's over. I'm sorry

Tracking his phone is NOT a positive. He loves her, possibly more than he does you. He's gone back twice and has told you he loves her. He is the one who is breaking up his family by shagging behind your back. I'd throw him out. Hope you're ok.

i'm turning into someone I hate, one of those paranoid wives that follow their husbands every move though I know have good reason to do so, I don't like being that person. I can't live my life always checking up on him, even if he did remain faithful it would always be in the back of my mind. I really believed him the first time. A sexual affair I could forgive but he's fallen in love he says. I read it in the texts the sent her. Can he love me and her at the same time? Can he fall out of love with her and stay with me? I wish I knew that I could believe him this time.He seems very upset by it all, but Im not sure if he's upset he has hurt me, upset he has got caught or upset he has lost her?

This is no way to live OP. You will never know any peace and he will do it again. End things now and hold your head high.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. My ExH did exactly the same - cheated on me, we split up, he spent months trying to get me back, I let him move back in & within 3 months he was back out there, brand new wedding ring in pocket, shagging other women. A leopard never changes its spots I'm afraid. One "mistake" makes a fool of them, two makes a fool of you. Tell him to leave, assure him he will have lots of time with the children at his new place while you have spa days and won't miss out. OW may not be quite so excited by him when he has two young children in tow.
You have to draw a line in the sand for your own sanity.

Orangebird69 what happened to you? Did you leave in the end? Im just desperate not to let the kids down and I feel like such a failure. Who cheats twice with the same woman within months! It seems that he was just biding his time until it was safe to go back to her. But maybeb this time he realises he will lose his family unless he absolutely cuts ties.I am not even sure if its me he staying for or the family? He talks about not wanting to lose the kids and says he loves me, but how can he do this then? Sorry am venting, I know I'm repeating myself but its all pouring out now.

chilly don't do this to yourself please love--you shouldn't have to keep tabs on anyone.The trust has gone, the marriage is over. Believe me if he wants to see her he will despite the phone app.
You will drive yourself insane and make yourself ill -constantly checking up on him.

Oh and YOU are NOT a failure, YOU have not let your DC's down.
This is all on him, his failure, his shame his inablility to keep his dick in his pants.

He will get a second phone. He will cheat and cheat again.

Cheating on someone is never an accident/mistake.

Forgetting to put the bins out is a mistake. pursuing and screwing someone else is about as deliberate and preventable as it goes.

You need to take control of the situation and end it. He may well love you but it sounds like he is "in love" with her. If you forgive him again then expect more of the same. He will see you as an easy touch.

It may hurt now but you will be in for a lifetime of hurt if you don't.

You need to tell him to leave.

Even if you want to move forward in this relationship though I can't imagine why you would you cannot possibly forgive him a second time with no consequences.

Doing that the first time is exactly why he has done it again.

He says he loves his family - he has a damn funny way of showing it - so demonstrate to him what he will lose.

Pack his bags. Don't think about sending him to the OW - frankly he is there mentally already. This is about him realising what he has lost when he can't see his kids and the novelty of the affair wears off.

Tell friends and family - make no excuses for him. Blow wide open his scenario of star crossed lovers - show him what it is - a cheap nasty affair and let those around you confirm that to him.

Be strong - take control back.

You can't live like that. It's not fair to you.

Every time he is late home you will wonder what he is doing.

Every time he goes out for drinks with friends you will wonder if he is lying.

Every time he goes away with work.

Every time he says he is popping to the shops.

He is telling you that he has fallen in love with someone else. Someone he seemingly couldn't walk away from that last time. This isn't your standard catching someone cheating and they admit their mistake. He says he loves her

It will happen again. Will you keep accepting this?

Ending the marriage is a hard decision but for your own sanity you need to walk away.

Hi op. Firstly, I'm really sorry that this is happening. It's the worst feeling in the world. Secondly, I promise you that this will get better but it'll be the hardest thing to get through
Perhaps you could flip it on its head and say to yourself that you want to show your kids that you can do this without their dad. He no longer has a say about what he wants . You can be totally in control and prove to yourself and kids that this isn't a reason to "keep the family together". That's just a false, fucked up existence that your kids will see through.
I wish my parents hadn't stayed together after dads affair.....it was a ridiculous set up and "to stay together for the sake of the kids" just DOES NOT WORK
You deserve more than this . The ow can have your "husband". X

Bloody hell! He wants you to not only make his cake but feed it to him too?! He's fucking both you and this other woman over royally. I realise it must hurt like hell but seriously he will just keep on doing the same thing over and over. Do what is best for yourself and your children and get out of the marriage. You'll drive yourself crazy watching over him, or trying to 24/7. Nobody should have to live like that, you must be constantly anxious, the stomach flutterings alone must be inumerable.
Be good parents, you're not good as a couple because he's a selfish git to be honest!

eatsshitsandleaves, I did that last time, told everyone about him and what he had done. Turns out quite a few friends and family knew already . So this time I feel like a complete fool as last time loads of people knew and none told me. They knew because he told everyone he was with her. This time Im not sure I could face the humiliation again. he was def a lot more sneaky this time but i could just feel something was wrong again. If he left and went to her, Im not sure I would cope. If he left to give space and promised not to see her so we could talk then maybe theres a chance. Im not sure I can even trust his friends to tell me the truth. Everyone has lied to me

Please just cut your losses now.

Not only did my STBXH cheat, when I initially became suspicious he denied, denied, denied and implied I was some kind of paranoid psycho. It was only when I found incontrovertible proof that the charade of upset and remorse began. We stayed together.

Two years down the line he completely unexpectedly walked out on my DC and I. Following extensive counselling we got back together.

Six weeks ago, having been back together for a little over a year he left again. It transpires there is an OW.

Hindsight's a wonderul thing, but suffice it to say that the last four years (or more, hard to tell with a pathological liar) of my marriage have clearly been nothing more than a sham to him. I feel like an utter mug.

Don't let this be you.

Chilly, me exh remained in contact with his ex (immediately before me) all the way through our relationship on a very emotional level. He also cheated on me approx 3 weeks after he proposed to me. We did marry but I spent 2 years feeling sick. He would lie about work, lie about evenings out with the 'boys', I used to see his ex's number all over his phone bill. I never used to go out without him because I was scared of what he'd be getting up to if I wasn't with him. It was horrible. Just typing this out has turned my stomach in the way it used to. Please don't put yourself through it and please don't allow yourself to be treated like that. It's physically, mentally soul destroying. I used to go literally days (5 or 6) without a single piece of food passing my lips. Searching through his wallet, works vehicle etc for any evidence of cheating (he never admitted it). It was just fucking awful. I had no life for 2 years. Didn't see my friends for 2 years. Wrung myself out. Doubted myself. I wouldn't wish that time on my worst enemy. Please put yourself first. Xxx

You're not listening to the majority on here, and I get that, I really do. You seem to be in some sort of denial thinking that space might possibly make this thing work.

It won't work. He's a liar and a cheat, on repeat. He has no respect for you, sorry, and he will do it again and again.

He is no prize, you are worth more than this. What you need to do is tell someone in real life, and begin to come to terms with the fact that it's over. You will be fine without him. If he cares at all for his children, he will make sure they are affected as little as possible. Please please don't just suck it up again, it will drag you further down.

OP I'm so sorry but that's even more reason to walk away.

Staying is just chipping away at your self esteem.

Imagine another 5 years of watching, waiting and being lied to, not just by him but by those around you.

He's emotionally draining you. Get rid of him and you will start to feel better in time. Stay with him and he will suck the soul out of you.

He cares only for himself. Don't listen to what he says. Someone whose priority is his family doesn't behave this way.

Go see a solicitor and get together all the information you need (bank statements, pensions etc) and find your backbone. Get angry. Get focused. Your life is about you and your kids now and he's no longer welcome in it.

You need to find some courage and determination from deep
Inside and take back control of this situation.

He has the upper hand. He is dangling you like a puppet and you are worth so much more than this.

If he really wanted to be with you he would not have continued to see her.

Kick him out. Take control and show him you are not weak and pathetic but strong and determined.

No one walks all over you. Especially not him.

You CAN do it