should I forgive him again?

[chillyogawine]

So Im not great at MN, I read stuff but rarely comment or post but I think Im safe here as I'm anonymous as I can be. So i'm married and my husband cheated on me last summer and I found out because I found the texts on his phone. I suspected so I asked him if I could look at his phone. The worst thing is he told me he was in love with her but he didn't want to break up the family, so I forgave him, he cut ties with her and things settled down after a few weeks. But almost mirror fashion it's happened again. Again the texting has caught him out and he's been coming home later than usual. So I checked the mobile bill and confronted him. He's been seeing the same woman again for past 3 months and he again he doesnt want to break up the family but he does love her. I am devastated. I can't think straight and I don't know what to do for the best. I think couples therapy is an option. But he says he loves her and in my mind he didn't respect me to even stay away from her for more than a few months. Am i an idiot to stay with him? Please nothing too harsh Im feeling very fragile.

It isn't the first time and he has threatened you. Not the actions of a man who loves you.

You haven't split up the family. He ended your marriage when he treated you like shit.

He can be a great dad without being married to you. That is his call.

@BonnyScotland was right.

Suddenly he doesn't love the OW anymore, now that you've attempted to stand up to him and told him to leave.

Of course he can't go to the OW, but the affair will continue and go underground.

It's sad, but it's your life to do as you wish. Perhaps using condoms with him to protect yourself would be wise from now on, because he's still going to be having sex with her, especially as you're in it and keeping the secret from her DH.

Good luck

it's incredible that he's also managed to turn this ALL into YOUR fault... absolutely disgusting ..

I'd without hesitation ... contact her husband and tell him exactly what has happened to your family unit.. the mess your kids are when he was 'allegedly' leaving after a visit....

he has made you a laughing stock... and using your emotions against you... meanwhile his OW just carries on regardless... no ramifications.. knowing he will return to her ... in a few weeks once you 'get back in line' ... he's no MAN

I wish you the best of luck Lovely.. your gonna need it x

Get rid of him. He is playing you. It will be awful in the short term but you'll be happier in the long run if you're not married to a serial cheater because that is what he'll become once he sees you're a pushover.

How have been put in this position!?!

Because you've allowed it by not standing firm and continuing to live with a man, who was clear about loving another woman.

As well as being complicit in joining your DH and his mistress in keeping their secret from the OPS (other betrayed spouse).

There's a third party in both marriages. Luckily you're aware of the third party in your marriage. The OBS doesn't have that privilege.

The excuse of not hurting him or their DC, is warped logic and IMO.

The bearer of bad news, is not the guilty party. The BS has not split up the family, and should not be manipulated to believe that is the case.

Some BWs are scared that their H will run to the OW once her BH knows about the affair. I've seen that a lot.

In fact an OW recently bragged about how the BW didn't reveal the affair out of fear. I hated the smugness of it all. Kind of like.... I can have your husband that easily.

Chillyogawine so sorry to hear this you must feel so betrayed like the floor had gone from beneath your feet.

Unfortunately you can't make him love you enough to forget about his ow. He's said he loves her. Even if you were to give him another chance it doesn't seem likely that it could ever work. You may end up resenting him, or him you.

The kids are young and will be resilient in adjusting if you split. It can't be easy to think about living apart but really his mind and heart is elsewhere anyway.

You deserve to be loved and happy.

I do really feel for you chilli.
I stupidly forgave my DH twice, a year aftwe the 2nd time, guess what? He did it again, with my 'friend '

I kicked him out That night. Like you I'd been a SAHM, I got a job, moved house.
18 months later, I'm not yet divorced, it van be tough but I'm happy.

He sees the DC's, they have adjusted well to us not being together.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

I'm so sad to hear this. Rewriting history is all part of the process in saving themselves. Tell her DH, chuck your STBX out - he is making a fool of you. Your kids will be happier living without this tension

It's done. He has moved out. For now just living separately with him seeing the children every mon/wed/fri to say goodnight and then leave and every other weekend he has them to stay at his flat. Slowly working through the enormous task of thinking how to split formally. Haven't told the OW husband. If they want to be together then fine but she has kids too and I don't want to be the person that causes her children upset. I feel empty and flat and frankly exhausted. But its a small step in the right direction. Kids seem ok and am trying to keep life as normal as possible. Thanks to all out there for support and advice, it has been an enormous support. Think if there hadnt been such a tide of indignation at the thought of forgiving him a second time, I might have just let him stay as not had the strength to fight him but all your words really helped me see the situation for what it was. He is a cake-eater! What a great way to describe him and he will never be any different so it's up to me to make the change! One day at a time!!!

Big hugs Chilly I think it can be devastating realising that someone is simply in lovew ith someone else (Im still at home at moment but my H's EA from a good few years ago made me realise , I dont think he ever loved me in quite the same way as he did this person) - It hurts hugely but to be honest i think the secrecy stuff and the checking up and all that probably was hurting you more and in a way knowing the truth may give you the impetus and strength to move on although initially its very very hard. You totally deserve either to be happy on your own or with someone who feels 100% about "you" not some kind of half way house.

Well done!! You will find a way to make it all work and it definitely be better for you and your kids. You already sound happier actually.

Chilly you rock! I'm about to go and meet a friend for coffee but I'm now defiantly not going to have a cake....
YOUVE ABSOLUTELY DONE THE RIGHT THING.
Take each day as it comes. You're stronger than you think and your kids are lucky to have you xx

Congratulations you did the right thing for you and your kids xxx

Thanks ladies! Although sad i am also relieved and feel, weird to say it, empowered and actually its easier looking after the kids on my own and I am enjoying just being with them and not having to look after useless husband/manchild as well. I didn't fail, he did. I'm better than him and he is nothing more than a coward that couldn't make his mind up. He actually thought he was doing me a favour staying with me!!!! Well favours like that I don't need thank you! Onwards and upwards. And anyone out there reading this in the same position then dont be guilted into staying in a shit unfaithful marriage and don't ever think you're in the wrong or have failed. It may not have been perfect and it may take two to make a marriage work but I chose to stay faithful. The cheating part that's all on him not me!

You are amazing! Well done! You will flourish now I promise you! The whole energy in your house will change for the better ❤️

Have read the whole thread. Well done! Remember he chose to cheat and split up his family. Actions have consequences. I do feel for the OW's Dh who is in the dark. You deserve to have someone who loves you. Your kids are still young that they will adjust.

Msqueen33 thank you and yes I think my kids will be fine. Its not the worse thing than can happen and they are young. I did think about telling the OW husband but I decided to walk away. It felt that it would just be mean and I have no idea what their situation is and in the future whatever happens to them it is nothing to do with me. Conscience is clear for me. I am concentrating on my life right now. But I can see both sides of the argument, believe me I was very close to going round there but Im glad I didn't now, despite my husbands threat to walk if I did. And now its just not important to me.