should I forgive him again?

[chillyogawine]

So Im not great at MN, I read stuff but rarely comment or post but I think Im safe here as I'm anonymous as I can be. So i'm married and my husband cheated on me last summer and I found out because I found the texts on his phone. I suspected so I asked him if I could look at his phone. The worst thing is he told me he was in love with her but he didn't want to break up the family, so I forgave him, he cut ties with her and things settled down after a few weeks. But almost mirror fashion it's happened again. Again the texting has caught him out and he's been coming home later than usual. So I checked the mobile bill and confronted him. He's been seeing the same woman again for past 3 months and he again he doesnt want to break up the family but he does love her. I am devastated. I can't think straight and I don't know what to do for the best. I think couples therapy is an option. But he says he loves her and in my mind he didn't respect me to even stay away from her for more than a few months. Am i an idiot to stay with him? Please nothing too harsh Im feeling very fragile.

Its not easy finding a partner and now I have baggage too!
This jumped out at me.
WHY do you need a partner?
Who has told you that you need a man in your life?
You do not need a man to define you.
You need to get rid of this twat and just be with yourself for a while.
Discover who you are away from manipulative men.
You'll be amazed what you can achieve on your own.
YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN!!!!!!

And now I have baggage - your DCs are NOT baggage - any decent man in the future would never consider them as that. I can't help thinking this is something your H has said to you in the "you'll never find another man like me, especially with baggage" vein. You've been brainwashed to believe that you and your children are without value without a man to define you.
Honestly - my life is great without a man in it - and if one does come along who deserves me and my children it'll be to complement it not define it.

Your marriage is over op, he loves someone else. You can't fix this and trying will destroy your self esteem. Even if he broke up with the ow (he won't) you could never trust him again. He has been having sex with both of you and lying about it, that shows just how little respect or feelings he has for you. Please, please throw him out.

He's having his cake and eating it.

He's having a lovely fantasy life where he's 'in love' with this other woman while you do all the hard work at home.

Chances are you'll ask him to leave and he'll be back in a few weeks once the reality of having to look after the kids on his own and having a 'real' relationship with her has kicked in. It's not all romance and chocs once you are dealing with her family, putting the bins out etc.

At that point don't let him back in. Concentrate on yourself.

I have slept on it and reread the advice and I don't think one person out there said stay and work it out, which speaks volumes. I am going to ask him to move out when he gets home from work later. Temporary or permanently, time will tell but I can't live in this "happy families" environment, its making me ill. I need the space to think. He can come by and see the kids daily after work then he can go when they've gone to bed. I think i'm clinging onto him for dear life out of fear and because he isn't trying to leave and also a part of me believes he is staying with me because he loves me and this is all just one huge mistake but I need to take back some dignity and control here. What am I teaching my kids! That it's ok to let someone shit on you again and again? I am taking one day at a time for now, get him out step one, seek advice step two and will go from there.

Chillyogawine, I think that is a very sensible approach and well done to you for being open to the advice you have been given here. The fear you are experiencing is very real and very understandable - this is probably one of the defining moments of your life - and all of this is a process but ultimately, I think you are moving in the right direction. The best of luck to you.

Chilly, you are doing well.

Sounds like an excellent plan.
As long as he does leave.
Just tell him it's temporary for now to give you some headspace.
Then see how it goes.

It's totally understandable and quite natural to want to cling on.
But your pride and self-esteem are far more important.
Take your time with everything; except getting him out of the house.

Oh God OP - I have been on MN for many years and have read many threads in relationships but I have NEVER commented on one before. PLEASE go through with telling him to leave - He doesn't respect you, he wants it all his own way. He doesn't think you will leave him, he thinks you will forgive him again which is why he is so flippant about this. HOW DARE HE TREAT YOU LIKE THIS - Please get angry and LTB - For the sake of your children if not yourself. Good luck, we are all behind you

Proud of you chilly
Stay strong.lots of folk here vying for you x
You're doing really well and totally doing the right thing tonight

Good for you!

Please look at this site....

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Good plan. Time to regain control and your dignity.

Plus, time for him to see that you are not a door mat. Good luck

This is not going to end well. He's in love with another woman. You can track him as much as you want but you can't control his thoughts, you deserve more than what he can offer you and he needs to man up and walk away from the relationship rather than trying to have his cake and eat it.

And this from the same site seems very apt for you....

The Unified Theory of Cake
April 19, 2012 by Chump Lady

Cake eating is the preferred Nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater. It’s the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the spouse. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.
Ideally, the spouse is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps. Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage through their own lens, of monogamy and commitment to one person. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for the AP. So who’s it gonna be?
Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. They would prefer a competition in which they are the center of the drama — all attention is on them! And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. Cheaters would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!”)
The goal of cake is not to choose. Chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. Swears to be faithful to the spouse, and then is caught again with the AP. Makes promises to both the chump (and the AP), and breaks them. The cheater is NOT trying to decide between two people – the cheater is trying to maintain cake. Cake eaters are NOT confused. They are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense.
Cake eaters act vague. They need time. They appeal to you for patience. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.
There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave.

Just read your latest post. Well done! Stick to your guns and don't look back.

Eats-interesting stuff that and very true. I can't understand why so many women have a default option of must forgive, must take him back. Is it low self esteem ? Do women love more than men in most cases and are blinded by love and this romantic idea of "Happy ever after". As a bloke I find it difficult to understand why people allow themselves to be treated so badly.

Chilly I know that;
you want to make it work for the kids
don't want them coming from a broken home
don't want to be a single mum with 2 kids
that you think no one will ever want you
you love him and want to forgive him and hope he changes

but hes already admitted, he loves her. its not just a quick shag, he LOVES her. Despite what he says, if he loved you he wouldn't have done it twice and learned the first time. He doesn't want you, he wants the family life and the kids. Hes staying with you for the kids.
What would you rather do...be a mug and say with someone who is not in love with you and cheats? he wont change OP. you derserve better, your kids deserve better. He wants your relationship to end but hasn't got the balls to do it. Do it for him. You and our kids will be so much happier and youll find a good man. Most women and men come with baggage, a good man wont care. Kick the nob to the curb!!!

Well done Chilly! It's scary but do follow through with this. He'll say anything he thinks will stop you

eatshitandleaves have read your message and it's so interesting and so right. I didn't think of it like that before. Of course he is a cake eater and basically wants to carry on as before, left to see the OW and have his family life with me! I have had 2 nights on my own without his and the relief is huge. I am enjoying being with my children without the dread of him coming home and all the atmosphere coming back Of course he's not sorry, he's just sorry he got caught and I'm sorry I gave him a second chance! I am seeing a solicitor next week and have no plans to talk to him until i've had more time and info. Though I am letting him see the children of course. Feeling a lot stronger and more positive day by day! I can do this!

Well done OP yes you can.
It is a massive relief at first but you might have a crash so be prepared for that.
You sound positive and have good plans in place.
Keep going and keep strong.

Brilliant update-well done. You have taken back the control.
What you do now is up to you--your decision, although the relief you have that he is not around speaks volumes.

keep up the good work

I am seeing a solicitor next week and have no plans to talk to him until i've had more time and info.

Excellent.

You are doing the right thing and taking your dignity back.

Well done op. Keep going - you are strong, brave and capable. Don't let this pathetic man bring you down.

You're amazingly brave well done! You're doing the right thing!

so an update to all my very supportive mums netters. Don't be disappointed but I've allowed him to come back home. It was too tough on the kids and I've made it clear it does not mean we are back together. He is in the spare room, we are not a couple but until we get things worked out I didn't want the kids to suffer any more. I am within my rights to immediately divorce him due to adultery.I am still working out what that will all mean for me.I don't work so I will need to look for a job too. What i didn't say was that when I found out the first time he had cheated, in my fury I was all for telling the OW husband about it but my husband said that if I did he wouldn't stay and so I didn't say anything. This time I think the OW husband ought to know but my husband said that if I want him, he will stay but only if I leave her alone and don't say anything and if I tell the husband then he will def leave and he'll make it hard for me financially and with custody! I was flabbergasted! To think I fell for his ultimatum the first time! Now this!!!