should I forgive him again?

[chillyogawine]

So Im not great at MN, I read stuff but rarely comment or post but I think Im safe here as I'm anonymous as I can be. So i'm married and my husband cheated on me last summer and I found out because I found the texts on his phone. I suspected so I asked him if I could look at his phone. The worst thing is he told me he was in love with her but he didn't want to break up the family, so I forgave him, he cut ties with her and things settled down after a few weeks. But almost mirror fashion it's happened again. Again the texting has caught him out and he's been coming home later than usual. So I checked the mobile bill and confronted him. He's been seeing the same woman again for past 3 months and he again he doesnt want to break up the family but he does love her. I am devastated. I can't think straight and I don't know what to do for the best. I think couples therapy is an option. But he says he loves her and in my mind he didn't respect me to even stay away from her for more than a few months. Am i an idiot to stay with him? Please nothing too harsh Im feeling very fragile.

This is a frankly terrible example of a relationship to show your children; him staying simply because of the children is and was no good reason at all for him to remain there. He is simply still having his cake, eating it and you're still feeding cake to him; this supremely selfish sod.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and just what are they learning from you both?. They pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken and they know things are not right at home. They see your reactions to him and they may even worse blame themselves.

Please don't, sounds like he never broke it off with her; he wants the convenience of you and his family but wants relationships with other women, second time now you've caught him, how many more are there.

If you forgive again then yes you are a complete idiot; he won't stop, he will just hide it better; I am sorry but he can't possibly love you the way he should or you deserve; he's a liar and a cheat; that won't change if you forgive him.

You can do so much better.

Just read your update, I think you are out of your mind, he is still calling the shots and telling YOU what to do whilst his comfy life carries, on, oh and his affair.

More fool you OP, sorry but honestly, where is your self respect.

Who the hell is he to tell you who you should be speaking to? Whether or not you tell the OW I would call your husband' bluff.

Fuck him for threatening you that he will leave.

Pack his bags and kick him out.

Your kids will get used to the change very soon. Do not teach your children that this is acceptable behaviour in a marriage.

You will get used to the change.

He is not worth it

You deserve more than this.

I have to agree. He is back in your house, and he will be thinking that it's only a matter of time before he's back in your bed.

He is in no position to be giving you ultimatums to control whether you tell the OW's partner. The only reason I can see for him keeping you silent is that he is still with the OW. If he had broken it off with her, why would your silence matter?

I don't see how you could ever trust him again.

What the actual fuck.

He clearly doesn't know ANYTHING about divorce law in the uk; who you tell about the affair has zero bearing.

Things that have a bearing:

• his earning capacity vs yours
• you being a SAHM for x years
• the ages of your two children & amount of input/parenting they need in the immediate, medium and long term law
• marital assets
• pension pots (now and projected)
• length of marriage

You say your children were suffering with him being out of the house. How exactly? I seem to recall your children are v little; much smaller children deal with marriage breakdown better as they don't have the Disney memories to fall back on. they can be more accepting.

So anyway, your husband, having cheated on you repeatedly, told you he's in love with another woman, is now threatening you over custody and finances, and refusing to move out.

Seriously if you accept this crock of shit as an acceptable way of life, you're being a complete mug.

I'd be incline to tell the OW DH. I'm sure he wouldn't mess about putting her in the street, and then your "D"H has someone to move into a rental with.

Honestly get shot of this cunt, get a lawyer working on the divorce and don't take any of his shit. So your kids suffer (as you see it) by not having parents in a relationship. Who caused that? Why are you letting him guilt you into solving that problem? It's his fault, he needs to bear the responsibility.

Also, the other worry is if you stay with him til the kids are older and he (inevitably) leaves you then, your divorce claim may very well be reduced as clearly kids who are older need less maternal input and therefore you don't need maintenance during that time.

OP, imagine if you let him off again and then he meets OW, because he's actively seeking them out, only next time he decides to leave you for her, how will you feel then?

Is he really all that because he sounds like a complete selfish entitled prick; I wouldn't even be able to be in same room as him; he does NOT want to work at the marriage; he's staying because it's easier and convenient and you are making it too fucken easy for him.

You've had TWO indiscretions now and tbh for him to be in love with OW it must have been fairly serious....

You are seriously going to wait for no THREE to come crashing on your world, really, there are lots of nice men out there, not just this absolute bastard. Love yourself not him, he's treating you appallingly.

Ok.

I get where you are coming from wrt to letting him back to see the kids - but it's a slippery slope, so be careful.

Yet again he has found a way to "maintain cake".

His comments about telling the OW's are for the same reasons. If her DH finds out, it will impact on his ability to have unfettered access to her.

NOTHING he is doing or saying is about you or relationship or indeed your family. It's ALL about him maintaining the lifestyle he craves.

Truth is he is a selfish bastard and I can guarantee he will not make any divorce easy. As such his threat is empty.

I'm generally not a big fan of telling the OW's partner - simply because it's better to focus your time and energy on yourself - but in this case I probably would. Simply because it's sending a message to your DH that you will not put up with, engage or be coerced into being manipulated by his threats, promises and emotional fuckwittery any longer.

I'm not clear if you've seen a solicitor yet - please do this.

Then tell your DH that he needs to make plans to leave on a permanent basis.

I appreciate it's tough on the kids - but him yo-yoing back and forth isn't good for them. You might be sparing their feelings for now, but you can't change the fact that their father has decided his priorities lay elsewhere.

You can't fix this OP, your DH doesn't want it to be fixed. He just wants to reel you into accepting his agenda of stuffing his face with cake. Please put this fucker on a diet.....take away the plate.

you have given this man permission to pursue a relationship with another woman... whilst having you at home mothering his children and running after his every need....

Happy Mothers Day x

He must think you are an easy touch. Expect more of the same....

No judging from me OP.
But please see your solicitor and understand what would happen when you split.
As you are not a couple, stop doing anything for him.
No washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc.....
Right now he has his home comforts and the OW.
His threats are vile and you really need to understand why you are putting with it.
Tell OW husband. Poor bloke deserves to know.

Of course he doesn't want you want you to tell the woman he loves husband and hurt her like that

Really take a step back and think about this - He begged you to forgive him about his affair as he didn't want to loose his family.

Yet he is willing to walk out on his children to save this woman from being hurt or her life disturbed.

Clearly he has put her above all of you, your children included. He knew what he was risking and to him it was worth it. She was worth it, and she is still worth walking out and loosing his kids over.

You are truly setting yourself up for an absolutely horrible life.
You keep saying you don't want to be a single parent and the kids being from a broken home .. can i just point out I am a single parent, my child is from a broken home and it is fucking great I have an incredibly close bond with my son , we get to do awesome things just us as i don't need to consider anyone else.
You will financially be fine - This isn't 1950 where women were left destitute , there is plenty of help out there - look for it.
Yes sometimes being a single parent can be a bit lonely or tricky, but it is a million times better than sitting at home, tracking your husbands phone to see if he is off shagging someone else, scraping your dignity off the floor while washing his pants that's for sure x

Call his bluff. Tell the husband. She'll then have to make choice. Hopefully she'll choose her current DH. Then kick your husband out and leave him with nothing. He's an idiot. Any ultimatums should be coming from you.

The kids will get used to him not living there. Loads of kids have dads that work away. Don't let that be an excuse. It's hard but it will happen again unless you become his jailer.

Oh, and I left with 2 under 3 and lived back at my mother's for 2 years on benefits before getting back into work and getting my own place. Even at it's worse it was better than living with him.

So sad for you and your kids that you have retreated. What an example to show them.

I feel for the little girl, if this continues she will grow up most likely putting up with the same thing. So much great info being passed on here and yet the OP has ignored it. Her loss, i expect her to be single at some point as its sooo obvious her hubby isn't in this relationship for the long run.

The sad truth is if you tell her husband it may end their marriage and if she is free he will probably leave to be with her.

Although I understand why you are clinging to this, once he said he loved her it was game over. He's now trying to protect her.

I don't think you should tell her husband, I'd let her deal with her own marriage and I'd focus on mine. 💐

Another single parent here who, btw OP raised a girl far nicer than any of the married couples children; in fact, she's an example of pure joy; has fuck all to do with a man being around if they grow up to be nice pleasant well rounded individuals; one parent can do that easy, I did and I'm proud.

You are just using your kids as a way to hang on to him, god, what a prize.

You know it's pretty easy to tell the OP what to do when your sitting typing.

Is easy to objective and tell someone they are doing the wrong thing, setting the wrong example etc.

When it's your kids crying for their father and you're in the midst of a hugely painful event, feeling broken and unsupported, having had your self esteem broken to pieces - making those "obvious" choices isn't so easy.

Rather than criticism, the OP needs some support and kindness.

That does not mean you can't say you disagree with her decision to left her DH move back in, but comments about her setting a bad example to her children are not helpful imho.

Surely it's better to focus on what next, and what the best course of action is moving forward.

EatShit: you have a point but honestly, it's an internet forum; at least on here you get the honest opinions of folk and sometimes the truth is very hurtful but honestly, I'd say exactly the same to my own daughter; I think most of us would...........we all need a wee kick up the bum sometimes; it's called constructive criticism but I do agree it's not the kindest of things to read.

I truly hate that OP's DH has literally gotten away with this... AGAIN x

You were doing so well...

I'm very sad to hear this update but totally understand your intentions. You MUST tell her husband. He cannot make custody and finances hard for you. The law is on your side. My advice? File for divorce, tell her husband, let him dig his own grave.

I'm sorry you are going through this.Shock and hurt are absolutely understandable.

Some tough love.Your husband doesn't respect you, you haven't caused this but the more you continue to go along with this idea of him loving someone else then he will have less respect.

If you don't value yourself, do you think he will?
The only way he will find out if he loves the ow is by going to her.Otherrwise it will always be there.
Tell the husband and let the "lovers" get together.It won't be the honeymoon they believe.
I know you feel afraid, don't worry about your children, it is better they cope when young than older.
Finances will be ok, many women survive and thrive after divorce.

I would find a good solicitor, get the financial stuff together while you can. Get your ducks in a row and see what you are actually entitled to and what the children need, before you start to worry about his threats of making things difficult. All the balls will not be in his court.

Make sure you have an escape fund.

(Then I would be tempted to tell the husband)