should I forgive him again?

[chillyogawine]

So Im not great at MN, I read stuff but rarely comment or post but I think Im safe here as I'm anonymous as I can be. So i'm married and my husband cheated on me last summer and I found out because I found the texts on his phone. I suspected so I asked him if I could look at his phone. The worst thing is he told me he was in love with her but he didn't want to break up the family, so I forgave him, he cut ties with her and things settled down after a few weeks. But almost mirror fashion it's happened again. Again the texting has caught him out and he's been coming home later than usual. So I checked the mobile bill and confronted him. He's been seeing the same woman again for past 3 months and he again he doesnt want to break up the family but he does love her. I am devastated. I can't think straight and I don't know what to do for the best. I think couples therapy is an option. But he says he loves her and in my mind he didn't respect me to even stay away from her for more than a few months. Am i an idiot to stay with him? Please nothing too harsh Im feeling very fragile.

Answer to your OP: no. No. NO.

Once is fair enough, from the second time you are just saying that you will make a bit of a fuss but essentially he can do anything he likes and get away with it. No, no no.

Your children will be much better off with a mother who shows them what self respect is, rather than someone downtrodden by the lack of it. I really get what you say about becoming someone that you don't even like. Do something to reclaim your dignity and you will slowly start to feel better. All the best

OP you are losing control of this. You have been gaslighted far more that you realise and you need help in real life. Its now time to call in your family, friends, whoever is on your side and will support you. Contact Women's Aid and talk over with them what has been happening to you. In the opinion of many of us here you are in an abusive relationship and there are people out there who can help you but you must take the first step. Good luck to you.

Op I could tell from your posts that you were not going to leave your ex.

Leaving a marriage is massively painful and I totally understand why you want to avoid the pain. Unfortunately you are not going to be able to carry on like this forever.

Having been there I can tell you that the earlier you do it the easier on the children it will be. As they get older it will only get harder.

The sooner you realise this the better your life will be. You will not be able to stay a sahm you will need to return to work.

Kids don't know what's best. Given the choice they'd be eating sweets and drinking fizzy all day.

As someone who's parents stayed together 'for the sake he f the child' I can tell you it gives them a fucked op example of what to expect from future partners. I made some horrendous mistakes in early adulthood because ok was good enough. I was treated like shit and have the scars to prove it.

The best thing you can do for your kids is be the example you want them to follow as adults. You'd never advise your kids to stay with a 2 time (that you know of) cheater that puts the OW before his own partner. It's not good enough for them and it's not good enough for you either.

if he loves her and presumably she loves him, why on heart do not go and disappear into the sunset together? Is she married too?

She's more than likely told him that if her husband finds out (via you!) then she will not see him anymore! You being quiet is allowing them to continue again (I personally don't think they ever stopped).

If you do tell, then it's ruined her marriage too. Why on earth would you give two fucks about ruining her marriage?! Please do it. Her husband deserves to know what kind of wife he has. Otherwise I can gaurantee they will be giggling behind your back again very soon!

Put a stop to this now. YOU deserve SO much better than this. Even if you are crazy enough to take him back, her husband needs to know so he can make that choice too!

Should you tell the husband it would cut out the middlemen and you will see where the land lies. I think it cannot harm your case at this stage.

Things that you can do to make it easier for the kids:

Let them know when they will be seeing their dad. Ideally, this will be regular: every other weekend and one weeknight works well for a lot of families.

Equally, it is easier for them to know when they won't see him. Then they know they can switch off from this confusing drama that's playing out around them and just get on with being kids.

Tell them that there is grown-up stuff that you and Daddy need to sort out. It helps for them to know that the grown-ups are dealing with things: it makes it feel less chaotic.

Reassure them that whatever happens, you both still love them and always will. They will worry that they won't see Daddy, that he'll leave them, so tell them when they'll next see him and put their minds at rest about the future: he will be part of it.

Don't include them in the adult stuff. Never badmouth him to them. Find a way to explain what's happening in an age-appropriate way which says, the marriage is over but he's still a good dad and I want you to have a good relationship with him.

Tell them this is not their fault. It's an odd one, but kids can feel terribly responsible for things they don't really understand. They're trying to make sense of things: maybe it's because I shouted when Daddy asked me to tidy up... They probably won't admit to thoughts like these, so keep telling them it isn't anything they've done.

Keep them updated with practicalities. They will want to know: where will we go when we see Daddy? Will he get a house? Will I stay there? Will we stay in this house or move? Will another man come and live here? It's hard when you don't know the answers yet yourself: but if you say you will tell them when you know then that helps.

I'm not sure what age your DCs are, but most of this can be adapted for different ages and stages.

You need him gone while he has a job and you have a house to stay in.
The longer you let him stay the worse it will be when he decides to leave. He will definitely leave. What are you going to do when he leaves when your youngest has gone to uni and you are 12 years older.

Letting him back in you have effectively given him permission to start throwing his weight around and to tell you how things are going to be.

The ow probably doesn't want her dh to know as she really isn't into your dh as much as he is into her. Think of it in her position she is probably living in a nice house with a husband who loves her. Whilst your dh might be a bit of fun I doubt she wants to set up home with your dh in a rented flat whilst you are sitting in the marital home for the next 12 years, continuing to work whilst your dh pays maintenance and mortgage on children he sees every fortnight and on a house he doesn't live in

I

Christ, how fucking depressing

Also: keep things as normal as possible for them; and expect them to regress a little. A just potty-trained child might have regular accidents for a while. An independent 7yo might want a lot of cuddles. It's all normal and nothing to worry about: they will soon adapt.

My "broken family" functions much much better than the dysfunctional one we had before our marriage ended.

Why do you want this person under the same roof as you.

Don't take this the wrong way but for christs sake grow a back bone, pick up what is left of your self esteem and kick him out.

Things will change for everyone but things will get better for you and your children.

Let him stay and you will be all the time questioning his every move and he will be doing everything in his power to outwit you.

Your marriage will end up being that of a naughty boy trying to not get caught by his battle axe mummy who won't let him go out to play.

Great posts Charlotte

OP - please listen to what everyone is trying to tell you.

Your DH is a manipulative bastard. Everything he does is to his advantage - not yours.

When he's crying about the kids - weeping about missing them ask why? Is it because he's a good father whose truly distressed or is it because he knows it's the button he can press to get you to let him back in the marital home? A position from which makes it easier to manipulate you further.

When he makes promises to be good about the divorce - if you don't "hurt" the OW - is that because he doesn't want to see another family traumatised or because he has no intention of keeping that promise (because he doesn't want divorce at all - he wants his family and the OW)?

You can't make him the person you want him to be. You have to take heed of his actions, not his words when evaluating his behaviour and motivation.

Whilst he is still in the house (though I'd get him out asap) as a pp said - don't fall back into the martial pattern. Don't cook his dinner, do his washing etc etc. Don't engage in heartfelt conversations. Be indifferent and aloof.

Most of all get a solicitor - start the ball rolling.

I would tell everyone he cares about... His parents, friends, siblings etc how he has literally threatened you, if you tell her husband.

You don't tell him who you're telling and what you're doing. You might try contacting her husband and tell him about it, but tell him what your H (definitely not DH) has threatened and could he not mention he knows from you.

Tell him to check her phone. You can tell him the time and date of the text and he can recover or try to get the deleted message from her phone.

I think he'd be willing to do that as a fellow betrayed spouse.

I also suggest that the you tell him, your H, that discussions between you should be related to the DC or separation. You can't work on a marriage when your husband loves not just another woman, but another man's wife.

Don't let him threaten you and start doing the 180. You need to emotionally detach from him, as his heart is elsewhere.

If not, you will gradually loose your self esteem and find daily functioning difficult. Don't let him do that to you

So sorry OP. You cant have a marriage if your husband is in love with someone else. What would you possibly get out of a relationship with him? What's in it for you? Don't you deserve to be loved and respected too? So far he gets to have the security of family and to have an affair - to be in love with someone else. He's being selfish and unkind.

Do you really think tracking his movements is a happy and healthy place to be? You need to set some expectations for yourself and about how you want to live you life and be respected. This is not the way to make yourself happy. Sorry....

When are you going to get angry?

dear all out there, just to be clear, I haven't taken him back, I have just said he could stay until we worked out a way forward, hopefully a dignified way forward and explain it to the children calmly and in a way that they don't feel lost. Him leaving so suddenly was upsetting for them and I am afraid I was weak and thought maybe this would be the best thing for everyone for now. I am seeking legal advice and looking for work and looking into the money side of things. I don't care if he's seeing the OW or not as she is irrelevant to my decision now. I don't think I will tell the OW husband as they have kids and I don't want the hurt the children. In time the truth will out, it always does. I am working on my own life and self esteem and also making sure my children feel loved and aren't distressed. I know he is a git and a liar but he is still the father of my kids and he is a good dad (believe it or not). I am trying to rise above the hatred and the hurt and be civil. Its hard but Im working on it. He is looking for his own place to move into soon, I have told him he has max 4 weeks to find somewhere or he can just go to a friends, I don't care. To all the single parents out there, I think you're awesome and although this wasn't my plan, I think I will be a lot happier on my own in time tho I know it'll be hard, I'm just taking it day by day.

Best of luck Chilly. Hopefully it can be done amicably and you can parent the children well together. You won't look back and regret it. It's one of those sad situations you can't do anything about. Black and white really - do you want to stay with someone who you don't trust and who makes you feel like this, and will again? - no, so there's only one thing left to do. It will get easier though and believe me he'll regret it. I don't believe he really loves her. He's infatuated as it's new and exciting. If he loved her he'd have left by now.

Op, you're a mug letting your h come back home. Your DC will be fine when you get divorced as they are still very young and will adapt quickly to having two homes.

He isn't a good dad. A good dad wouldn't make the mother of his DC feel awful and manipulate her with emotional blackmail.

You're a better person than me as I'd be spitting in his food and cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush!

That's good to hear OP.

Your post sounds as if you are a lot more focused and calm than a few weeks ago.

Being indifferent to his plans re:OW is a good sign that you are starting disengage from him.

It's tough now but it will get better.

I'm so disappointed x

Well done op, you are moving forward. Stay strong, you can do this.

BonnyScotland why disappointed?

Because she either didn't read or didn't understand.

oh I understand fully.... sadly..... if OP comes back and has truly packed his stuff and he's gone in 4 weeks then I'll be desperately happy for her ... giving him this time means he's not leaving atall... and using the DC as an excuse to keep him around is weak....

I'm not convinced any of the OP's plans will happen ... however I'd love her to prove me wrong... for the sake of her lovely self and her kids x

So I have a lawyer and of course I can divorce him instantly. We would have to work out childcare and money as I have not worked for years. Now he tells me it's a big mistake and he just couldn't help himself and to give him one more chance. He thought he loved the other woman but he's not so sure now he thinks she just filled an emotional gap in our marriage. He's desperate to stay. The kids are beside themselves every time he visits then goes. I can't bear to tear everything apart. Feel now im the bad guy splitting up the family? How have been put in this position!?!