AIBU to ask for a contribution?

[badgerread]

My partner and I don't live togtehr. We both work full time, own our own houses and both have two Dc's. He has 50% care of his and spends the other 50% at mine. He has recently left his job to set up a new firm and is therefore working from (my) home when he is at mine. He currently earns around £17k more than me. The thing is he hasn't contributed or bought any shopping, whether it be groceries, toiletries, anything since he started this new setup 6 weeks ago. I've just text him asking shall I pick up a Chinese on my home for us and the boys but I'm not sure he'll contribute towards it... my shopping bill has gone up a lot in the last 6 weeks as he is basically at mine 50% of the time having three meals a day. Plus shower gel, toothpaste, loo rolls etc. I want to say something but not in a demanding way....

I wonder if he buys his kids clothes, pays for activities, school trips etc. Or does his ex have to foot that bill? I think you need to find out a bit more about how he manages those parental responsibilities. Will his kids go without now he's self employed or will his ex subsidise his short fall?

Sorry for posting again but 16 quid a week for say 3-4 days and night. That's an average of 4 quid a day! Cups of teas, breakfast, lunch, dinner and the odd bottle of wine/proseco, electricity, toiletteries, toilet paper.

I hope he isn't registering anything at your address. Plz tell me he isn't receiving mails at your address as he could use this to get loans and god knows what.

Ur allowing him to treat you with a lack of respect. He doesn't seem to have considered you in any of his decisions. This relationship seem one-sided. You give, he takes. That's not healthy at all.

Plus u r a single mum. U have enough on ur plate and now u r being told you have to subsidise his lifestyle and choices but u weren't considered in any of this.

Surely u can see there's something amiss here.

Does he buy takeaways and alcohol? Who paid for the other night? Was that shared or was it supposed to come out of the £70?

dowhat don't forget OP hasn't actually received any £70 yet ... if I've understood right all she's had is one £100 payment, though this was supposed to be a regular thing. So he failed to pay the agreed £100 and instead of making it up, he now wants to reduce even that

This guy really is taking the piss isn't he??

Is your house mortgaged? If so, your lender may not be happy with someone working from your house.

Tell the cheap bastard to go home. You can still continue a relationship from separate houses if you really want to. But the red flags are a-flying...

Do you get the single person discount for council tax? Does him living in your house invalidate that? The extra council tax could be £40 pm alone

Has he taken any loans out against your property? Not sure how this works but none of this sits well.

Very weird that his finances will change
In a month.
Just around the same time as your bonus op.

What you have to remember, is he hasn't offered to pay you £70 at all.

He has offered to graciously only take £30 in cash off you

This is not some theoretical amount where you are paying it anyway for you, and he's just wanting to be fair in contributing. For example - your mortgage doesn't change if he stays over.

But food and utilities - you are ACTUALLY paying for him.

You have to stop thinking he is giving you £70 and be very clear in your own mind that you are giving him £30.

OP - where is YOUR self respect?

You're right, teenagers - I hadn't twigged that his money situation is "expected to change" just when OP's bonus is due

He probably thinks that it really will change though ... when he gets to spend OP's bonus as well

Probably the only good news here is that he actually moved in just 6 weeks ago (I think?). If so, isn't this a good time to sort some of this out before he gets his feet any further under the table?

FFS couldnt. Go you with your 'support'!

Give the OP a chance to absorb the advice she's been given and form a plan in her head. Thread only started 3 days ago.

Another example of a woman literally paying a man to stay in a relationship with her

Saddening

Welsh, the OP may have started this thread 3 days ago.......but this dynamic has existed far longer between them, plus he 'moved' in 6 weeks ago....plus OP chose not to discuss his lapsed payment contribution....

My god, I can't believe how much some people take the piss, and how people let them get away with it! 70 quid is an insult, it bloody pocket money! Send him back to his own house to work, the freeloading cock lodger.

Are you shacked up with my ExH? Most of the details and timings you post fit with the demise of my marriage and lengthy divorce. A key feature of the relationship was his spectacular selfishness. His obsession with saving money went as far as him making me unwittingly footing almost all living costs, whilst secretly saving up tens of thousands of pounds. All the while telling me that I was tight and I needed to contribute more. And during divorce he also stole all the savings and took all available credit out of the mortgage, all the while twisting things in his court papers to make it look like it was all my fault
Today he pays no maintenance (50:50), as you describe, and predictably pays naff all towards children's essentials like school uniform

While I agree with other posts, it's all getting a bit shouty at OP. She may be screwing up her courage to have the next phase of this conversation with him.

If he was genuinely short of cash, he could offer to contribute to the household in other ways. He could be cooking the evening meal for everyone each day he's working at the house, for instance, rather than OP getting takeaway. If he hasn't offered to do anything like that, as well as dodging the money issue, he is looking like someone who expects his partner to do all the domestic drudgery and also to pay all the bills. Not a good look.

Tell him on reflection you've decidedly you can't afford it.
I bet you he says at some point, oh but your bonus will be here soon.
That will confirm that's a cocklodger.

Wow, he's got you pegged. It sounds like working from your home without contributing was part of his business plan all along. All this bullshit about retroactively doing his sums, is to buy himself enough time so you'll forget.

if you're comfortable with being taken so brazenly for a mug, then you've got a keeper.

This thread has really made me think about my position as the 'visiting' partner- this because we live an hour apart & both have full on jobs so can only see each other at w/ends. DP is single parent to teenagers & has a dog so I go there. From the start I have always taken shopping & beer/wine and we alternate in paying for meals out . I cook (though was an initial struggle as he's used to doing it all), bake sometimes, walk the dog & help eg with gardening. DP doesn't ask for help with cleaning though I do a bit (& still have mine to do when I get home). I do feel part of my contribution is the 2-3 hours driving too.

I find the shuttling between quite wearing & feel i never get on top of my own house jobs and feel guilty about my cat!

ocelot, your situation is diametrically opposite to OPs dead weight...

Dear god. What a fucking pisstaker he is. At the least you can say, 'This isn't working anymore, you need to work from your own home.'

A dog would cost you less money/month.

Mix but I worry I'm not doing enough & don't want to be considered a cheapskate

OP isn't back because she's still paying for this cheapskate to cocklodge in her property.

When you run a business from a room in your house, you are entitled to make certain proportionate deductions (i.e. Pay yourself partial rent/lighting and heating). This is tax efficient, if you fancy the paperwork. However, it doesn't cover food etc, just as a salaried job wouldn't.

Give him a shopping list. He can get food in his lunch hour for you both half the time.